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Old 07-07-01   #1
Duchess Nocturn
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Lists-- not for those who've just eaten.

Top 10 Hints That Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active:

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn.

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your 'Grandma' is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the 'Beaver Hunt' section of
the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for 'doggy style'.
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Old 07-07-01   #2
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60 Things NOT To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute!
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Perhaps we should just cuddle.
5. You know, they have surgery to fix that.
6. On second thought, it's more fun just to look at.
7. Make it dance!
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that?
9. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow . . . and your feet are so big . . .
12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww!!! There's an inch worm on your thigh!!
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. [point and laugh]
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet! You brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks! I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of Clearasil?
30. All right! A treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. What have you done to make God punish you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww! It's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a damned good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So THIS is why you're supposed to judge people on personality!
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look! It fits nicely into my Barbie clothes!
58. Nevermind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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Old 07-07-01   #3
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Parenting Tips

Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months:

- Wait at least three weeks before tattooing baby.

- If baby starts to choke, don't help: Allowing infant to cough up blockage 'all-by-myself' will help tremendously in development of his or her self-esteem.

- Always store baby in a secure, locked drawer when not in use.

- Prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by screaming at baby every five minutes, 'Are you okay, baby?!'

- Babies love to play. Grasp baby by ankles and, with quick snap of the wrist, crack its soft skull against wall or floor.

- Tired of your baby's fat, wrinkled appearance? Apply hot iron to him or her for 30 seconds on each side.

- Baby carriers are a needless expense. Try metal pail instead.

- Your newborn's tiny fingers and toes look so cute, you may want to just nibble them right off, but don't - fingers and toes do not grow back.

- When mailing baby across country, be sure to poke holes in box.

- Car safety is an important, often overlooked facet of infant care. When securing baby in spare-tire well, weigh child down with cinderblock to keep him or her from flying out of pickup bed.

- When referring to baby in third-person, always use pronoun 'it.'

- Develop baby's hand-eye coordination by shooting rubberbands at his or her face. In time, he or she will learn to block them.
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Old 07-07-01   #4
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20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a canteloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologise profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.'
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
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Old 07-07-01   #5
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Condom Slogans . . .

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1
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Old 07-07-01   #6
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Compare and contrast

LOVE ----- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST ----- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE ----- When intercourse is called 'making love.'
LUST ----- When intercourse is called 'screwing.'
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE ----- When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST ----- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over money.

LOVE ----- When you share everything you own.
LUST ----- When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE ----- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST ----- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE ----- When you phone each other just to say, 'Hi.'
LUST ----- When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE ----- When you write poems about your partner.
LUST ----- When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE ----- When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST ----- When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE ----- When your farewell is 'I love you, darling...'
LUST ----- When your farewell is 'So, same time next week...'
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE ----- When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST ----- When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE ----- When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST ----- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE ----- When nobody else matters.
LUST ----- When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE ----- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST ----- When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE ----- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST ----- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE ----- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST ----- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
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Old 07-07-01   #7
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Rejected Dr. Seuss books . . .

The Cat in the Blender
Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
Fox in Detox
Who Shat in the Hat?
Horton Hires a Ho
The Flesh-Eating Lorax
How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
Are You My Proctologist?
Yentl the Lentil
My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
Aunts in My Pants
Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!
Horton Fakes an Orgasm
The Grinch's Ten Inches
Green Cheese & Spam
Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?
Come On I Wanna Lay Ya
Russell the One-Eyed Love Muscle
Please Cane Us in the Anus
Blow Blow Til You See it Grow
Feel It, Find It, Pick It, Flick It
Horton Hears His Neighbors In Bed
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Old 07-07-01   #8
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Real names of bands

Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Armageddon Dildos
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Barbara's Bush
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Bulimia Banquet
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Caltransvestites
Cindy Brady's Lisp
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns
e. coli
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gonoreagan
Headless Marines
Hell Camino
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Impaled Nazarenes
Inhale Mary
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God
Mao Tse Helen
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Pabst Smear
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phlegm Fatale
Poultry in Motion
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Septic Death
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Skeptic Tank
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
Solosex
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Richards
Swingin' Johnsons
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Vaginal Davis
Vic Morrow's Head
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela
Yoko Homo
Zip Code Rapists
Zulu Leprechauns
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Old 07-07-01   #9
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Grafitti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. ----Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL - (not far from a major medical school)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. ----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you can piss this high, join the fire department. ----On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Beauty is only a light switch away. ----Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. ----Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. ----Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not, 'How high are you?' it's 'Hi, how are you?' ----Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? ----The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ----The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, just remember: some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. ----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. - Descartes. To be is to do. - Voltaire. Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra ----Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. ----Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ----Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married! ----Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. - Nietzsche. Nietzsche is dead. - God ----The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. ----Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. ----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? ----Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! ----Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
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Old 07-07-01   #10
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You may not want to read these . . .

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
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Old 07-11-01   #11
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Another list

TOP 15 BREAKUP EXCUSES
<from www.topfive.com>

15. "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"

14. "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."

13. "You're too young for me. I mean, too old. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me, either."

12. "We're just so different, you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath."

11. "You've gone from 'sponge-worthy' to merely 'spongy.'"

10. "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."

9. "I have early-onset onanism."

8. "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."

7. "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah -- on the subway, I think."

6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"

5. "My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture."

4. "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."

3. "I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose."

2. "We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike."

1. "I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.
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Old 07-12-01   #12
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Top 10 things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving . . . but aren't . . .

10. 'Reach in and grab the giblets.'
9. 'Whew...that's one terrific spread!'
8. 'I am in the mood for a little dark meat!'
7. 'Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.'
6. 'Talk about a HUGE breast!'
5. 'And he forces his way into the end zone!'
4. 'She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.'
3. 'It's cool whip time!'
2. 'If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!'
1. 'It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.'
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Old 07-12-01   #13
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Hidden Dating Hints

1. Women won't unlock car door for men - Doesn't engage in oral sex
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - no foreplay
3. Can't hail a cab - impotent
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - prefers virgins
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - is a virgin
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
7. Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
9. Wants to go to a French Restaurant - will swallow
10. Wants to go to a deli -won't swallow
11. Uses Sweet n' Low - wearing falsies
12. Takes too long deciding what to order - has trouble reaching orgasm
13. Orders salad dressing on the side - will give you a hand job but won't bang you
14. Gives explicit orders to waiter - will expect incredibly skilled gymnastics in bed
15. Asks for extra rolls - will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
16. Insists on ordering for you, refering to you as 'the lady will have...' - thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
17. Asks for the 'usual' - Insists on missionary position only
18. Asks what the specials are - will want you to use handcuffs
19. Fills up on bread and crackers - premature ejaculator
20. Doesn't finish everything on plate - has already come
21. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - will make you sleep on wet spot
22. Changes mind after ordering - will never call you
23. Changes tables - nymphomaniac
24. Drinks decaf - fakes orgasms (female)
25. Orders in French - fakes orgasms (male)
26. Sends food back - will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - needs you to talk dirty during sex
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - wants a handjob
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts - castrating bitch
30. Wants to split dessert - is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
31. Credit card is refused - low sperm count
32. Undertips waiter - small penis
33. Undertips parking valet - small penis
34. Undertips cabbie - small penis
35. Uses toothpick - is trying to tell you size isin't everything
36. Removable cassette player in car - pulls out repeatedly during sex
37. Cellular phone in car - penile implant
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I fucked Vincent Price

Last edited by Duchess Nocturn; 07-12-01 at 21:48.
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Old 07-12-01   #14
Duchess Nocturn
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Fun things to hide in your boss' office

1. A stained dress.
2. An open and empty condom wrapper.
3. A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?
4. Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can't see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.
5. Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.
6. First, simply hide pot seeds in his office plants and watch as your clueless boss waters and nutures the plants daily. Second, watch as boss is escorted out of the building three months later by security.
7. 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day. Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.
8. Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn't roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.
9. A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying, "I told you that damn condom ripped."
10. A "baby monitor." Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.
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Old 07-12-01   #15
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Outdated, but still humourous.

Ben & Jerry's Presidential Ice Cream Flavours

1. Impeach-Mint
2 Candy Pants
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilly
5. Pantsachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Horny Bubba Crunch
8. Peppermint Fattie
9. Captain Cream
10. Draft-Dodging-Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
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Old 07-12-01   #16
Duchess Nocturn
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Swapping sexual organs

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a
vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers..
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half..
8. See if they could finally do the splits..
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet..
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch..
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time..
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first..
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot..


Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a
penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America..
9. Get a blow job..
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently..
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
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Old 07-12-01   #17
Duchess Nocturn
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Come-backs to pickup lines

I know how to please a woman.
Then please leave me alone.

I want to give myself to you.
Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Your hair color is fabulous.
Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.

You look like a dream.
Go back to sleep.

I can tell that you want me.
Yes, I want you to leave.

Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Do not enter.

I'd go through anything for you.
Let's start with your bank account.

May I have the last dance?
You've just had it.

Your place or mine?
Both. You go to your place, and I'll go to mine.

Your body is like a temple.
Sorry, there are no services today.

Is this seat empty?
Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?

Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
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Old 07-12-01   #18
Duchess Nocturn
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Reasons not to be a penis

6. You live surrounded by nuts
5. You have a head with no brains
4. You have one eye that can't see
3. Your best friend is a pussy
2. An asshole lives behind you
1. They make you do pushups until you throw-up
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