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Old 07-06-01   #1
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FUN redneck jokes

A redneck just got married and was taking his new bride to a cheap motel for their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, 'Honey, I got sumpin to tell you. I'm still a virgin.' In horror, the redneck grabs his clothes and rushes out of the motel yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there, his father asks, 'Son, what in hail ya'll doin here? Ain't chall sposed to be on yer honeymoon?' The son says, 'Dad, Bertha done tole me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!' To which his father replied: 'Jeebus, son! Chall did the right thing by leavin. If she wudn't good enough fer her family, she sure as shit ain't good enough fer ours!'
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Old 07-06-01   #2
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That's horrible... I love it!
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Old 07-06-01   #3
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Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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Old 07-06-01   #4
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Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
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Old 07-06-01   #5
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Q: How do you know when your staying in a West Virginia hotel?

A: When you call the front desk and say 'I've got a leak in my sink' and the person at the front desk says 'go ahead.'
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Old 07-06-01   #6
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Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

A: They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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Old 07-06-01   #7
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Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a possum?

A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
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Old 07-06-01   #8
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A redneck walks into a hospital and asks a doctor for condoms for his 10 year old daughter. Shocked, the doctor asks him "Your 10 year old daughter is sexually active?" The redneck replies "No, she just lies there like her mother."
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Old 07-06-01   #9
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The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and asked, 'Is that Jesus down there?' The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, 'Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?' The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed!' The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, 'For your kindness, you are healed!' The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, 'Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!'
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Old 07-06-01   #10
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A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, 'I'm not hiring that ole lazy cajun...' He decided to set a test for Boudreaux, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without any problems. The first question the boss asked was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' Boudreaux says, 'Dat's easy,' and draws three oak trees. The boss says, 'What the hell's that?' Boudreaux says, 'Tree n tree n tree makes nine.' The boss says, 'Fair enough.' 'Second question, same rules, but this time represent 99.' Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dere ya go, sir,' he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' Boudreaux says, 'Each tree is dirty now! so it's dirty tree, n dirty tree, n dirty tree...dat's 99!' The boss, now is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, 'All right, question three. Same rules once again, but this time represent the number 100.' Boudreaux stares into space again, then shouts, 'I got it!' He then makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says 'Dere ya go, sir. 100.' The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinking that he's got him this time. 'Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred.' Boudreaux leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, 'A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an dirty tree an' a turd, which makes a hundred! So when can I start workin'?'
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Old 07-06-01   #11
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The lucky duck

A dying farmer is having trouble deciding which of his three sons to give his farm to. After calling them all in he says: 'I'll give you each a duck and whichever one of you can get the most fer it can have the farm.' After the brief meeting with their father all of the sons go out to sell the duck. The first son finds a kid who will give him $100 of his parents' money for the duck. The second son runs int a drunk that says he will give the son $200 for the duck. The third son goes to a whore house and asks a prostitute if she will have sex with him for the duck and she agrees. Afterwards, the prostitute says: 'That was good! Let's do it again! I'll . . . um . . . give you this duck fer it!' An hour later the third son is walking with the duck and it runs into the middle of the road and gets obliterated by an eighteen-wheeler. The driver gets out and hands him a wad of cash for the duck. The next day the farmer says: 'OK, now. All yall tell me what you got fer yer duck!'

'I got $100 for my duck,' says the first son.
'I got $200 for my duck,' says the second son.
The third son then says: 'I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and then 300 bucks for a fucked-up duck!'
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Old 07-06-01   #12
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Redneck etiquette

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter HOW good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 100 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to the junior high on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 3 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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Old 07-06-01   #13
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A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page, amazed, and says to her, 'Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?' She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, 'Oh yeah? Prove it.' He frowns for a moment, then says, 'OK.' He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, 'Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell.'
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Old 07-06-01   #14
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A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees. He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it. Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung. The city fella looked up and weakly said, 'No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?'
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Old 07-06-01   #15
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Q. How do we know that toothbrushes were invented in West Virginia?

A. Because if they had been invented anywhere else, they'd have been called 'teethbrushes'.
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Old 07-06-01   #16
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I've heard this before, but no harm in hearing it again!

Sam has been a stock broker for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 10 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded and burly Vermonter standing there. 'Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from two miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday at 7... Thought you'd like to come.' 'Great,' says Sam, 'after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.' As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.' 'Not a problem... After 25 years on Wall Street, I can drink with the best of 'em.' Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.' 'Damn,' Sam thinks... 'Tough crowd.' Out loud, 'Well, I get along with people pretty well. I'll be there. Thanks again.' Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I guess I should tell you up front that there's a lot of crazy sex at these parties.' 'Now that's not a problem' says Sam, 'Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?' Enoch stops in the door again and says, 'Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.'
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Old 07-06-01   #17
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And who could forget:

Many many years ago
when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters more,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom
And it makes me very blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

So if my wife is my grandma,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandma,
I am my own grandpa!
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Old 07-06-01   #18
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red.....

red necks are funny, but the jokes are even funnier.........
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Old 07-06-01   #19
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I actually don't find rednecks funny at all-- this place is swamped with them . . . it's quite nauseating . . .
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