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Old 06-26-01   #1
Spikess
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deep thoughts

here's something that i thought was quite funny, dunno if this is the right thread but i dont care

Deep Thoughts

* If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

* If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

* To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

* One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-outwarehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

* The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

* If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

* Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

* I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

* If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

* If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

* Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

* To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

* I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

* If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

* Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

* Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

* I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

* I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

* Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

* It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

* If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

* To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

* As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

* I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

* Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

* What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

* Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

* During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

* If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

* When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

* I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

* Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

* Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

* If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

* If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

* Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

* If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

* One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a cross in your hands.
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Old 06-26-01   #2
magdalena
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good stuff. don't they have these in ze deep thoughts book
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Old 07-05-01   #3
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that was some funny shit spikkess haha. i like the one about how you took the kid to dizeny land. see you have a sence of humore and your telling me you don't have a sence of humor.haha well you do and good job i hope you post some more of this stuff.
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Old 07-06-01   #4
magnus1121
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more deep thoughts

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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Old 07-06-01   #5
miztressblack
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HAHA!! Wow, I never thought I could laugh so hard reading that last post...Thanks...I'm going to have to remember some of those...
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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