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Old 03-28-07   #1
Dark Phoenix
Face in the Mist
 
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Past to Present

Past...

I was an abused child. Even if I didn't do something and one of my siblings
did...I got the punishment with them. Shit really rolls down hills. My dad
was never there for the family. Always out drinking, being an alcoholic and
all and messing with other woemn, while still married to my mom, as well
as a beating on my mom. But, I don't stand up for her, yet I don't
tolerate that kind of thing. She had her fair share of doing shity things.
They both would beat us with anything they could get their hands on to
beat us with. Broom stick (broken twice on me), plastic bat (bent, but she
still kept going), extention cords (slender brown, thick yellow & orange),
hangers (untwined), belts, switch (from tree - had to get it ourselves),
their hands, etc. Sometimes they were kind, but others not so kind or
understanding.

My sister at 16 got pregnant. My mom knew somehow the whole time. I
was the last to know. She told my dad and he asked her some questions,
like "do you want me to help with the buying of pampras, etc.?" She made
the mistake of saying yes. He slapped her to the floor and started to kick
her hard in the stomach. My mother just stood there. I was angry with her
and still am for the fact that she didn't stop him. Now, my nephew has
many problems which required many surgeries, his finger (wouldn't unbend)
and his leg (had to have metal things in them - he limped when he walked).
And now she has a drug problem with smoking crack, but she has been
getting herself some help and is getting better. Yet, made a few slips.

Social services came and got us all and took us away; except for the 1st
born. She was over 21 and handie capped. They never beat her. I was
taken the first time and went to 'The Board of Child Care (BCC). I didn't
like it there, but I got to smoke cigarettes. I went to court and of course
since I didn't like it there I lied and went back home. To only come back to
the same ole shit again. I told my therapist; which the courts had
provided for us and was court ordered to go and she beat me with her
fist. Which had her rings on, that day she lost a diamond. I went to back
to live at BCC and my sister who I looked up to. she always took good
care of me. But, we both did live with my grandma for a while, while they
got visiting rights with social worker. I lived there 'til I was 18 than went
into Independent Living ($90 bucks a week to $70 backs a week - some
stupid idiot almost got us all put out on the streets, but they just got the
boot).

After I was 21 years old, I would have to leave, but I left before then. Roommate
was threatening my life and they would do nothing, but move me some-
where far away from college. So, I just said fuck it and moved back in
with my parents 'til I find a place. Stupid I know, but I still love them both.
I didn't think I would be subjected to rules, since I was a grown adult. My
mom just didn't see it that way. She wanted to keep control of me and
my money. Then, one night my dad decided to go back to drinking again
and started to beat on my mom in the middle of the night. I had to call
the police before he would have killed her, just to get sex from her. She
knows what he does at night and she wasn't going for it. After he was in
jail, my mom started to get too friendly with my dads friend that was
living in the house at the time and now they are married. I believe him
now when he said when he got out of jail and came home, he found them
in their bed together. I knew something was amiss. I heard them kissing
or at least what I was thinking the sound from the basement was. But, I
chose to ignore it. Pretending to be a christian women and really nothing
but a wolf in sheeps clothing. They both lied to me my whole life and
keeping things from me, so I will be on their side. I treat them like my
siblings...staying my ass out of it...it's not my fight!

Past to Present...

I tried to kill myself many times and have the scars to prove them and
remind me. I met a man when I was 15 and he was 21. We became good
friends. He had a girlfriend who lived in Japan. He tried to save money to
bring her to America. I fell for him hard. I just couldn't take my eyes off of
him. Nice body, great legs and veeeery nice package, long dirty blonde
hair and eyes that changed colours to his mood. Green was my favorite!
As we talked and talk. He realized how I felt about him and wrote me a
poem to let me down easy. I wasn't letting up. He thought I was pretty
cute anyway, so I used that to my advantage. I finally snagged him at
17 years old and he was 22. He finally gave into his feeling for me and had
to write his girlfriend in Japan to tell her that he fell for another. Now, it's
almost 13 years later of knowing each other and almost 7 years since we
have been married. He was my first. And we're having our first child on the
way. I'm 5 months, 1 week pregnant, tomorrow we get to find out if the
baby is a girl or a boy. He says if it's a girl, he still wants to try for a boy.

My other sister has an drug problem with smoking crack. After she gave
birth to her 5th child, social service came and took all of them away. They
knew that it was in her system. My other sister and relatives are trying to
get them back, so they can take care of them for her while she gets back
on her feet. She was doing good while with this sister in NC, then my ass
of a mother call her to come and live with her, but had her and her kids
sleep on the cold ass floor. And her new husband wanted her out and she
had nowhere to go. Saying she was eating all their food, when it was her
and her childrens food they were scarfing down their throats. Her new
husband doesn't want any of my moms kids there, whether to live there or
just visit.

But, before all this happen. He had my mom put me out. Saying the word
on the street is that I said he had her hooked on drugs and I said no such
thing. She took his word over mine. That's when the hatred of him was
very much alive. Anytime she needs money, I don't have it. I do, but that
is my money to pay my bills. Where's his contribution to the rent, etc?!
She knew he was a drug attic and stuff, so she married him in jail. Just
found out that the dvd player my nephew had, that his mother gave him,
he pawned it. So, I had to tell her of this news I got from my other sister.

My family have been through so much that I just want to scream and cry
'til I pass out. But, it won't help the situation. I don't want to be stressed
out and going out of my mind right now. I have other worries on my mind
at the moment. Like, pushing a baby out of my little hole and taking care
of the wee one. With the baby and all the troubles of my family, kin, etc.
I'm too energy sapped to even cry or scream. I can't talk to my husband
about it because all I'll hear is I told you so and what she is like and why
do you keep going over to her house for the holidays. I could ask him the
same questions about his family. Racist nephew along with stupid parents.
Said it'll be a mistake to marry me and that the our baby won't be
accepted because he/she will be mixed. Maybe not out where they live.
So what people stare at us. I don't care. It's none of their business. And if
they don't accept the baby...they don't have to see him/her. I don't want
them to see him/her anyway. I'm glad that his sisters aren't close-minded
like them.

What a mess?! We will be remarried again, yet don't know when we'll have
the money for that. And how will all the family from both sides react. Oh,
and if my mothers husband thinks he's walking me down the aisle, he got
another thing coming. Only my real and only father (on earth) will have
that honor and if mom doesn't want to come, she can stay home. He's not
my dad or ever will be. He can't adopt me, simply because I'm too old for
that and he will not have my permission to do so.
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Old 04-16-07   #2
Dark Phoenix
Face in the Mist
 
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Serious Death of Rev. Jesse Clyde Haywood Sr (granddaddy)


One week ago, I attended my gradfathers funeral. He died on March 30th.
The wake was at 11:30 am and the funeral was at 12 pm. It was a lovely
service. All friends and family was there. A lot of us cried and couldn't
stop crying, but laughed and cried when someone told stories about him
that we didn't know about his life with him. He surely will be missed. The
funeral was in Baltimore, Maryland at the March Funeral Home - West on
4300 Wabash Avenue. He was born April 16, 1931 and dies March 30, 2007
...it's would be his 76th birthday today. But, on this day, it was disturbing
that my uncle (the son) would start crap with my aunt (the daughter - his
sister). The wife only mentioned their family and no one else and said so. I
didn't know what to think or say. I hate him anyway. Especially, for what
he had did to me when I was younger and knew no better. He knew better and in the military (Marine). Doesn't matter. I had put him out of my life
after that and truly after this little crap he pulled at the funeral.
Anyway, I think that's what I'll name my son, Jesse Clyde or just after his
middle name, Clyde and think of a middle name for him. In memory of the
greatest granddaddy ever! R.I.P
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Last edited by Dark Phoenix; 04-16-07 at 14:41.
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Old 04-16-07   #3
Dark Phoenix
Face in the Mist
 
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Story Pregnancy

I'll be 6 month pregnant tomorrow and it's the most joyous day of my life.
Well, beside getting married, of course. Been married for almost 7 years
(September 11, 2000) and known him for almost 13 years next month
(May 15, 1994). Got pregnant when I was 29 (October 28, 2006). Have 3
more months to go. But, the due date the doctor gave me is August 5th.
Doesn't quiet add up. It should be in July! People tell me they do that just
incase the baby is a late arrival. I can't wait to start decorating the baby
room. Once John (husband) gets all his junk out of the room (computer
and stuff). But, I won't be able to put up the baby's crib, since I hear it's
bad luck to do so. I'm 30 years old now and I don't know how all this will
take into affect of me delivering. If the baby was to be a girl, we had a
name all picked out for her - Jolene Olivia, but didn't have a name for the
boy yet. But, I think I will name the baby in the memory of my granddad -
Jesse Clyde or just Clyde. The middle name will be hard to think of though.
I'll have to run the name by my husband and tell him all the reasons I want
this name for our son.
I'm so sick of the heart burn. Now, I'm getting a sharp pain in my side. Or I
am always tired and sapped of energy. But, most of all, always hungry. I
can't really eat all the foods I used to eat anymore, since they want me
to eat healthier...blah.
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