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Old 09-28-06   #1
woixiow
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Help ~

Sorry, this may seem like a no-brainer to most of you, but for me it's been rough. I don't know what to do.

I started seeing this guy, I realized he was older, but not 33 older. I'm 20. I have grown to really like this guy, but I know realistically, that it wont go anywhere. It might be fun for a long while though. The age thing, I'm alright with. I'll admit it might be weird at times but it really isn't that troubling. The real issue is that he came right out and told me he as genital herpes. I didn't freak out when he told me, but I've been thinking about it. I really do like him. I talked to a nurse practitioner about it, but she really didn't tell me more that I didn't already know. I want to know if you think its worth the risk. I want to know really how much of a risk it would be. They all tell me its much more risky when he's having a break out- I understand that- but what about when he's not? Is it really rare to contract that? I also thought i read something about an experimental vaccine for herpes? I have oral herpes AKA cold sores so how does that play in? I can't seem to help but like this guy, and I see him damn near every day at work so...

any advice i'd really appreciate. please dont hate on me.
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Old 09-28-06   #2
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Personally I would stay away but that’s just me. I guess you just have to decide if the risk is worth it. Especially if you don’t think it would work out in the long run. How bad would you feel if he gave it to you and then you two ended it? Now you have herpes and no boyfriend.
He could still pass it along to you even when he isn't having a break out. It’s not ALL that rare, and as for a vaccine I'm not sure how much faith I would put in that.
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Old 09-28-06   #3
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i think that it's a little bit hard to give you advice about this matter at hand. i really don't know what to tell you. your in a hard situation where advice is difficult to give out. sorry if i couldn't help you out any. but i wish you well. at least you have a real good attitude about this. your not freaking the fuck out and being a child about it. your handling it well like an adult.
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Old 09-30-06   #4
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I don't have any personal experience, but that Herpes medicine commercial says "Even with treatment, it may be possible to spread Herpes..." What are the odds if you stay together for "a long time" that you will be able to (and choose to) avoid sexual contact every time he's getting a breakout? It would be so easy to miss the first tiny wart or to stop yourselves if one of you was feeling horny.

Also, age DOES matter. I am closer to 30 than 20, and there IS a difference there. There is no way this guy is going to care about you in the same way as you care about him.

Hope you'll make the right decision for you.
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Old 09-30-06   #5
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I don't have any personal experience, but that Herpes medicine commercial says "Even with treatment, it may be possible to spread Herpes..." What are the odds if you stay together for "a long time" that you will be able to (and choose to) avoid sexual contact every time he's getting a breakout? It would be so easy to miss the first tiny wart or to stop yourselves if one of you was feeling horny.

Also, age DOES matter. I am closer to 30 than 20, and there IS a difference there. There is no way this guy is going to care about you in the same way as you care about him.

Hope you'll make the right decision for you.
I've seen the commercials too, thats why I'm so leary of it and thats why I was upset when I didn't really get anymore information from that nurse I talked to than I already knew. Secondly, I already thought about the avoiding part, that I don't really think would be too hard. But I am very much concerned about missing the first signs of a break out.

Lastly, and the reason why I am quoting, why do you say he can't care about me the same way? I just want to understand your motive for saying that. You've left no basis for your claim. And I obviously know that the age difference is HUGE and understand the repercussions of such, even a TWO year gap is lot.
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Old 10-01-06   #6
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Considering that you don't expect the relationship to last, you'll be taking a huge risk to sleep with him knowing the possible consequences. Why do you want to?
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Old 10-01-06   #7
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At 30 (almost 30, I can't speak for exactly 30 yet) one's priorities are different and one's interests are much broader than they are at 20 (at least they shoudl be). I doubt that you will make up as much of his world as he'll make up of yours.

You're saying that you're willing for it to be "fun", so maybe that doesn't matter to you. I think, especially in such a high risk situation, that you should wait for a partner who's more likely to have more in common with you.

If you feel you do have a lot in common, ask first whether it's desireable for a middle-aged guy to still have the interests and habits associated with people 10 years his junior.

Obviously, I don't know either of you, and not every successful couple is similar. I just think that if you don't plan on this going anywhere you should minimize the risk to yourself.
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Old 10-01-06   #8
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Originally Posted by InKY View Post
At 30 (almost 30, I can't speak for exactly 30 yet) one's priorities are different and one's interests are much broader than they are at 20 (at least they shoudl be). I doubt that you will make up as much of his world as he'll make up of yours.

You're saying that you're willing for it to be "fun", so maybe that doesn't matter to you. I think, especially in such a high risk situation, that you should wait for a partner who's more likely to have more in common with you.

If you feel you do have a lot in common, ask first whether it's desireable for a middle-aged guy to still have the interests and habits associated with people 10 years his junior.

Obviously, I don't know either of you, and not every successful couple is similar. I just think that if you don't plan on this going anywhere you should minimize the risk to yourself.
I am not exactly your average 20 year old. You will likely disagree, but we're both pretty much on the same field. He behaves younger than he is, and I, older. I didn't say I didn't PLAN on it going anywhere, I said realistically, where could it go?

Why do I want to... that is really the question...

thanks
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Old 10-01-06   #9
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At 30 (almost 30, I can't speak for exactly 30 yet) one's priorities are different and one's interests are much broader than they are at 20 (at least they shoudl be). I doubt that you will make up as much of his world as he'll make up of yours.

You're saying that you're willing for it to be "fun", so maybe that doesn't matter to you. I think, especially in such a high risk situation, that you should wait for a partner who's more likely to have more in common with you.

If you feel you do have a lot in common, ask first whether it's desireable for a middle-aged guy to still have the interests and habits associated with people 10 years his junior.

Obviously, I don't know either of you, and not every successful couple is similar. I just think that if you don't plan on this going anywhere you should minimize the risk to yourself.

You do talk out of your ass...

Since when in the hell is 33 middle aged?

And are you a guy? No, so how can you lump all guys as the same?

You seem to be preaching from the bitter end from what you've written here so far.

Woixiow, talk to the guy first and tell him how you feel, find out how he feels and then go from there. He must have some feelings for you as it must have taken him a lot to be upfront and honest about the Herpes, hell he could have fecked you all over and never said a word but he didn't.

The thing is, do as you feel is right for you and stuff what anyone else has to say as in the end it's your life and you have to live with the choices you make, both good and bad...
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Old 10-02-06   #10
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He and I have talked about how we feel about it. I've been seeing him for nearly a month now. No kissing, no hand holding, nothing. Neither of us are quite sure what to make of it all and don't want to do anything drastic. It's what he does and more importantly what he DOESN'T do that I really like about him. Exactly as you said, Jobe, he had all the opportunity to never tell me. How else would I know unless he was having an outbreak? I find myself running through this with the same few questions in mind.

1: Why do I like him so much...ie, why am I still considering this even though I know he has herpes? Is that something I really want to put myself through? Is that something I'm willing to put myself at risk of having?

2: Where would this be if the herpes thing either didn't exist or I was in the dark about it?

I know the answer to the second question and the answers I've come up with for the first one stems in two different directions. One being that he really must be great for being so forthcoming about everything in his life. Second is that maybe I just love the drama-- there is a reccurring pattern from past relationships that occurs here, in this situation, too. Do I really like him, or do I just like the drama of the situation? I feel like I haven't got much more time to sit on these questions.

I know I just have to figure it out for myself. It sucks that I have had to think so deeply about this.
I at least am glad I am not worried he's JUST trying to get in my pants. I hate when I realize that when I'm just starting to see a guy and I didn't pick up on it until like our 2nd or 3rd date. That always upsets me.
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Old 10-02-06   #11
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Personally I would think the best thing to do is stop thinking about things so much and just go with the flow. I've found that the best things in life are those that catch us by surprise and the worst are those that we made that way by worrying to much.

Just enjoy life and enjoy whatever time you have with him regardless of how it's spent...
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Old 10-03-06   #12
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Well, just figured i would add my 2pennies worth..
Age is relative. Fellik's mom and i are just shy of 11 years difference age-wise.
We knew the age difference when we got together. and for the 6ish years, and 1 child, we had together.

Age is a moot point. maturity is a better point. As the two rarely have anything to do with each other!

Jobe responded well.. He said it straight. don't overthink it, enjoy it.
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Old 10-03-06   #13
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there are other ways to have sex besides intercourse... I have a friend of mine who is with a guy with HIV, they have to be SOOOO carefull but they have been together for 6 years without transfering the virus and have a healthy son together. Its a shitty situation to say the least, but they love eachother and make due with what they have.
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Old 10-03-06   #14
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Quote:
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You do talk out of your ass...

Since when in the hell is 33 middle aged?

And are you a guy? No, so how can you lump all guys as the same?
I guess you subscribe to the "30 is the new 20" idea.

I categorized people by age, not gender.
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I can't believe anyone can think it is a good idea to enter a relationship with someone with an STD or to enter a relationship without out expecting it to be more than fun (who are you kidding?), but, whatever she chooses, I respect woixiow's choice to take this opportunity to consider the situation more fully. I suspect her conclusion is foregone though.
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Old 10-04-06   #15
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No, but I don't think 30's is middle age.

And you are obviously not very smart if you try to categorise people at all...
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Old 10-04-06   #16
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I am 38... almost 39.... and my wife is 27..... we have been together for 6 years now Age is a moot point unless you are talking sicko pedo shit...... as long as all parties involved are over 18 age makes no difference......

And 30 something is nowhere near middle age...... sheesh.... I am in better shape than when I was 25
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Old 10-04-06   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by woixiow View Post
Sorry, this may seem like a no-brainer to most of you, but for me it's been rough. I don't know what to do.

I started seeing this guy, I realized he was older, but not 33 older. I'm 20. I have grown to really like this guy, but I know realistically, that it wont go anywhere. It might be fun for a long while though. The age thing, I'm alright with. I'll admit it might be weird at times but it really isn't that troubling. The real issue is that he came right out and told me he as genital herpes. I didn't freak out when he told me, but I've been thinking about it. I really do like him. I talked to a nurse practitioner about it, but she really didn't tell me more that I didn't already know. I want to know if you think its worth the risk. I want to know really how much of a risk it would be. They all tell me its much more risky when he's having a break out- I understand that- but what about when he's not? Is it really rare to contract that? I also thought i read something about an experimental vaccine for herpes? I have oral herpes AKA cold sores so how does that play in? I can't seem to help but like this guy, and I see him damn near every day at work so...

any advice i'd really appreciate. please dont hate on me.
Get the fuck out... seriously. You catch that and you keep it for life, like luggage. No "fun" is worth that shit. And just because he doesnt have an outbreak doesnt meant he cant pass it on. I know too many people who have it and they have really fucked up sex lives and its really hard for them to be intimate with new people. So unless youre going to marry this guy and have his puppies, get the fuck out.
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Old 10-04-06   #18
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I am not exactly your average 20 year old. You will likely disagree, but we're both pretty much on the same field. He behaves younger than he is, and I, older. I didn't say I didn't PLAN on it going anywhere, I said realistically, where could it go?

Why do I want to... that is really the question...

thanks
If he is 30 and youre 20, he is just looking for some ass and some fun. No 30 year old in thier right mind would have anyhting in common with a 20 year old.
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Old 10-04-06   #19
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Quote:
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You do talk out of your ass...

Since when in the hell is 33 middle aged?

And are you a guy? No, so how can you lump all guys as the same?

You seem to be preaching from the bitter end from what you've written here so far.

Woixiow, talk to the guy first and tell him how you feel, find out how he feels and then go from there. He must have some feelings for you as it must have taken him a lot to be upfront and honest about the Herpes, hell he could have fecked you all over and never said a word but he didn't.

The thing is, do as you feel is right for you and stuff what anyone else has to say as in the end it's your life and you have to live with the choices you make, both good and bad...
Jobe, sometimes you need to ignore your "feelings" and use your head. She already stated that this isnt one of those real relationships that can turn into something permanate, and to add more on top of it hes got fucking herpes which can spread VERY easily. I dont give a shit what people say, outbreak or not. A girl I work with got herpes from a guy she met after sleeping together once time and he didnt have an outbreak. This was after she was amrried for 5 years to the same man. Now when shes out there dating she has to tell people and they think she is some kind of dirty whore. Its SO not worth the risk.
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Old 10-04-06   #20
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Personally I would think the best thing to do is stop thinking about things so much and just go with the flow. I've found that the best things in life are those that catch us by surprise and the worst are those that we made that way by worrying to much.

Just enjoy life and enjoy whatever time you have with him regardless of how it's spent...
Hard to enjoy life with lesions on your mouth and in your crotch wouldnt you say? The go with the flow thing is really bad advice Jobe, you have to see that.
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