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Old 09-01-06   #1
Nightmare King
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Darkest Joke Ever

Ok, I have two of the Darkest, most disturbed jokes I have ever come across. I want to see if the lot of you can top me.

The first joke comes to us, courtesy of shadow man, a game for the N64 console.

A murderer and his victim were walking hand in hand throught a dark forest.
The victim, a little boy, turns to the murderer, and says "I'm ascared of the big dark woods, mister."
The murderer responds, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back through it alone!"

The second joke is a personal favorite of mine because it is a Nightmare King origional. Iit came to me as I was struggling to fall asleep one night.

As you know, Vlad the impaler was call such because he would impale people on large iron spikes, and leave them there to die. A lesser known fact is that right afterwards, while the victim was still alive, Vlad would then sit down right next to them, and eat his dinner.
One night, Vlad turned to his latest victim and said, "You know, normaly I'd make a joke about a man and a bar, but I'm really not in the mood. Could you pass the salt?"

And there you have it. The darkest jokes I have ever heard.
Let us see if anyone can top them.
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Old 09-01-06   #2
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As you know, Vlad the impaler was call such because he would impale people on large iron spikes, and leave them there to die. A lesser known fact is that right afterwards, while the victim was still alive, Vlad would then sit down right next to them, and eat his dinner.
One night, Vlad turned to his latest victim and said, "You know, normaly I'd make a joke about a man and a bar, but I'm really not in the mood. Could you pass the salt?"
I don't get it.
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Old 09-01-06   #3
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"If a man walked into a bar...", he'd be impaled. Vlad insults his victim my informing him that his suffering isn't even worth joking about (although by hinting at the punch line he actually does put forth that effort, doubling his pleasure by abusing his victim mentally as well as physically.

Am I right?

Very mean, but maybe the salt is distracting.
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Old 09-02-06   #4
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The salt is the punchline. It's the fact that vlad is asking someone he put to death, to do something so incidental, despite the fact that the one he is asking is in no position to do anything of the sort.

I don't blame you folks for not getting it. My little brother didn't get it either.
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Old 09-03-06   #5
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I guess I did get it. Since if it didn't seem funny to me I thought I didn't.

That sounds meaner than I meant it to.
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Old 09-03-06   #6
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It's ok. It's not meant to be a funny joke, just an incredibly dark one. I thought it was amusing, but your views may differ.
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Old 09-03-06   #7
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Bob Saget's "The Aristocrats!"
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Old 09-15-06   #8
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lil ol lady walks into a butcher shop. She asks to see the Butcher's freshest cut of meat. The Butcher turns, walks away and comes back with a beautiful t-bone Steak cut exactly two inches thick.
Lady looks at it and squints it away. Says "No! I want your freshest cut of meat!" Butcher shrinks away again and returns with two beautiful ten once tender loins in outstreched arm, one in each hand.
Lil' ol lady shakes her head very impatiently and says "Fuckin Shit man, do I have to show you exactly what I want?" And puts down her purse, walks behind the counter, grabs a huge clever, unzipps the butcher's pants and pulls out his penis, slaps it on da cutting board and wacks it off! As the Butcher Passes out and falls back...Lil ol Lady hold up her trophy and says"Now Dats a Fresh Cut of Meat!"
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Old 09-18-06   #9
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well, i think mr. baphamett wins, i am disturbed. oh and i did get the salt punch line, might be a little drier than the other but my favorite flavor is irony.
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Old 09-18-06   #10
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a circus director had this realy boring elephant who couldnt do any tricks. so every night he would say to the audience "if anyone can make my elephant sit i'll give that person 1000$". one night a man stood up and said "i'll make you elephant sit". the circus director said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred the elephant deep into the eyes, then he kicked the elephant as hard as he could in the balls. the elephant sat down faster than lightning and couldnt make a sound.
next evening the circus director thought he would be a bit smart since now he knew how to make the elephant sit. so he said "if anyone can make the elephant nod and shake his head i'll give that person 1000$". the same man from the night before rose up and said "il make your elephant nod and shake his head". the circus director thaught that since the man had managed to make the elephant sit ,then maby he could make it nod and shake its head too, so he said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred it deep in the eyes and said "do you remember me?" the elephant nodded. "do you want me to do it again ?" the elephant shook his head.

end of storry
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Old 09-18-06   #11
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Good one, but how did the man kick the elephant's testicals while standing in front of it?
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Old 09-22-06   #12
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two muffins in a oven...
1st Muffin says: "Holy fuck it's hott in here!!!"
2nd Muffin turns in shock! "Fuckin' Sheet mann! A Talking Muffin!!!"
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Old 09-28-06   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InKY View Post
Good one, but how did the man kick the elephant's testicals while standing in front of it?
that is another story
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Old 10-13-06   #14
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Quote:
a circus director had this realy boring elephant who couldnt do any tricks. so every night he would say to the audience "if anyone can make my elephant sit i'll give that person 1000$". one night a man stood up and said "i'll make you elephant sit". the circus director said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred the elephant deep into the eyes, then he kicked the elephant as hard as he could in the balls. the elephant sat down faster than lightning and couldnt make a sound.
next evening the circus director thought he would be a bit smart since now he knew how to make the elephant sit. so he said "if anyone can make the elephant nod and shake his head i'll give that person 1000$". the same man from the night before rose up and said "il make your elephant nod and shake his head". the circus director thaught that since the man had managed to make the elephant sit ,then maby he could make it nod and shake its head too, so he said "ok come down here good man". the man walked down to the elephant and starred it deep in the eyes and said "do you remember me?" the elephant nodded. "do you want me to do it again ?" the elephant shook his head.

end of storry
I read this one online that sounds just like it:

One day a circus director's Elephant wouldn't perform any tricks. It wouldn't cry or Laugh! The main attraction of his show!
One night, on the spur of the moment the director asked the audiance when the elephant wouldn't cry or laugh: Anyone that can make my elephant laugh or cry gets a hundred dollars!
A man stand up and anounces he can make it laugh. He comes on down and whispers something into the elephants ear. Sure enough, the elephant starts laughing to no end!
The man takes his money and heads on home.
The next night, the elephant is laughing still. Needing the elephant to cry he offered the same deal. The same man anounces he can make the elephant cry. So he goes on down to the elephant and whispers something into it's ear, and unzips his pants. The elephants starts crying, alot.
The crowd cheering, the man takes his money and goes home. The circus director stops him half way. "Sir, how did you do it? What did you say?"
"That's easy. To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger [censored]."
"And to make him cry?" prodded the director.
"I showed him my bigger [censored]."

I think the first post jokes are the best thus far.
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Old 10-13-06   #15
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why did jesus cross the road?

he was nailed to the chicken.

its old, but always funny.
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Old 10-13-06   #16
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Old 11-10-06   #17
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Your mom is like a casino, liquor in the front, poker in the back.
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Old 11-14-06   #18
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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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Old 11-19-06   #19
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What's the difference between a Golfer and a Skydiver ?

A golfer goes :
Whack ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oh Damn !

A Skydiver goes :
Oh Damn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHACK ! ! !
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Old 11-22-06   #20
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I had a joke i put here but it was in way bad taste so I'll repace it with a slightly more tasteful one.

Three guys wanna be mafia hit men. They meet the Don, and he tells them to go home and get a good nights sleep and return in the morning. During the night he has three hitmen go and kidnapp each mans wife, and put them in seperate rooms at the don's place. In the morning the first man shows up and they line up in front of the doors. he hands the first man a pistol and tells him,
"if you want to be a hit man you gotta shoot your wife!" He goes in and momentarily returns shaken. "I can't do it!" he says. Same with the second. The third, upon recieving the weapon yanks the slide back loudly chamering a round and cocking the hammer. He wordlessly enters the room and the door slowlycreaks shut on its own behind him. There is a loud resounding *BANG* followed quickly by another, and then there is an un godly racket of furiture being violently moved and loud thuds and all types of various noises; then an abrupt and lasting silence. The door slowly and deliberately opens as the man emerges revealing the man is covered in a bloody mess. "WTF?! What happened in there?!" says the Don.
To which the man replied, "You should have told me the gun was full of blanks, I had to beat the bitch to death with a chair!"
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