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Old 05-27-05   #1
Kendra
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Kendra's journal.

well i am the type of person that doesn't have any kind of religion in her life. and i've lived without religion for 234 years now. yes of course my age is 23. which is why i said 23 years without having religion in her life. so as you people can all ready tell i'm not a religious person. hence i'm an athiest... a person who doesn't believe in god. not like i needed to tell you people what an athiest is.
since i've managed to live this long and far without religion. i've decided not to have any kind of religion in my life at all. i'm going to stick with that decision of mine i have made for my self. and i'm not going to let anybody force me to have religion in my life. or sit here and tell me why its important to have religion in my life. some people are into religion and some people aren't into religion.


but however i did of course wanted my self to belong in a religion. as you people can see i have changed my mind about that. because for one thing i don't like this whole intire thing about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to religion. but even with the concept of good vs. evil it is still presented in morality. but how is a person sappossed to be an indivisual through religion by having what is right and what is wrong in religion? i feel that if i were to have a religion in my life. i would get and feel more pressured from the right and wrong concept. and that would make me feel like shit. i have realised that i don't need a religion in my life to be an indivisual... i know what is right and what is wrong with or without religion. and with this decision of mine i feel free about it. this is what i want to not be able to have at all in my life. and that laddies and gentalmen is religion.

i mean there is no god. not that there isn't some eternal force. but theres no man sitting on a throne saying. you bad! you good! since your good go to heaven. since your naughty as all shit go to hell and burn in the flames!

i was talking to a friend of mine name sixxx(sic)six. this is what him and i were talking about on yahoo messanger as a matter of fact. and from what i had to say about this. this is what sixxx(sic)six said about me tonight on yahoo messanger.

from sixxx(sic)six " that you an exitentialist in some form......you have conceptions of right and wrong thru morality.....but as morality is such a sketchy subject, you go a more liberal/logical/scientific/existentialistic route...you, a self-proclaimed and openly proud lesbian, not too mention slightly darker in nature, understands that people are people.....but some people are more ignorant than others.....like religious fanatics and such......you're very liberal"

well this is all i have to say about my journal.
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Old 05-27-05   #2
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how other people see me


mia~ow "What can I say about the Shyster?? Well, your definitely one of the most honest persons (is that a word?) that posts here. You say exactly what you want, at the time it pops into your head. So I'd say IRL you're probably quite impulsive and intuitive. You're also utterly utterly nuts, in a good way. You totally crack me up. I love your randomness Also, having seen you on web cam, I'll have to tell you that you're not all that bad looking yourself, you certainly put yourself down to much with regard to appearance. I put this down to a lack of self-confidence, or self-belief in real life. I think you must have had some sort of struggle 'growing up' - perhaps unsure of who you were or who you wanted to be. I love your use of self-affirmation, I'd say you're an optimistic. '"

denaly "Shy Shy: I think that Mia hit it on the head. Although I bet you are a little more reserved in real life, at least until the mood strikes you to do or say something crazy."


jordyn "shy...her names describes her well, but capabale of deep thought, willingness to question what those thoughts means, and loyal to those she cares about. unsure of what she is capable of, but i'm hoping she'll realizes she has many qualities that will take her far, just not sure how to exert them."

surreal "shy shy: probably not given much attention in real life, she goes through her bouts with some off the wall emotions few understand. she is always looking for the easiest way to get along with someone, even if she's being prodded. a value worth holding onto, even if it gets her hurt often. she'd be the cat that runs to you after you've shot it with a water gun, knowing you're doing it.
i've never seen her face but i always associate it with wynona rider. see what avatars do?"

six(sic)sixxx "that you question yourself a bit too much.....almost, like you're denying who you truly are.....and i don't know why, but if i had to take a guess, i would say itz because you're lonely, and you think part of the reason must be you, so you sit there and wonder whatz wrong with you......when, in truth, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you, you're A-ok....people love ya, someone will want ya, not everyone you meet is gonna be your soulmate......but if you don't look, you'll never know......and the old saying goes, just be yourself....thatz who people want....people want you Shy."
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Old 05-27-05   #3
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how people see me part 2


Lenina

Shy!

Shes awsome... I always saw shy as the lovable type, shes friends with everyone. Wonderful girl.

She has struggled with dyslexia since I have known her and I have watched her improve. SHes bright and kind. Always has nice things to say about everyone... She kicks my ass at checkers though
Shes a sweet girl and she always makes me laugh. Shes cute too
I love mah Kendy!

Quiet
i don't know her, but she's got a spiffy alias.

Sixxx(sic)six
anywho, my thoughts on shy.....i absolutely love her to death.....i've known her for quite some time, and she's prolly the first DF kid i really talked to outside of DF.....she's a friend.......she talks to me about her problems, and apparently i help her through a lot of them, and itz all good......itz nice to know that someone i've never met in person trusts me like that, and i have trust in her as well.......she's a kool kat.....she always puts me in a good mood.....she's fun and goofy.....sometimes she can be a bit much, and i feel bad for sayin' this, but i can see why some people can be rather annoyed with her, but i don't hold it against her.....i luvz her too much.....and she's definately one of the koolest peeps i've met......she's like a sister i always wished i could've had.......but, she always be my favorite Texan.......i'ma kinda worried though as i ain't heard from her in weeks....i hope all is alright

Sybs
Her spelling used to be a bit erratic, and I sometimes wanted to nudge her towards dictionary.com, but it's got so much better in the 3 or so years I've been knocking around.

I don't know her very well aside from passive observation, she seems a nice kid who is enjoying being young before she gets old.

cimsonnyte
Anywho, shy shy...

Well, she's nice and mostly means well. Of course sometimes I just don't want to talk to her or read her comments, but I think that sort of feeling is one we all get from time to time.

And I really am no good at this so I'm just going to stop now.

Tijuana_Bandit
Shy shy...Awws. She is so sweet and caring. I dont think she has a mean bone in her body and even when she tries to be mean or pissed, its just so funny. She can really make me laugh. She is a great listener...Even tho sometimes she doesnt wanna hear shit, she doesnt tell yeah to fuck off, like most people. She gives good advice. And she isnt opinionated like most people. Luff her!

thefallenikarus
your too shy shy hush hush i do i
i'm too shy shy hush i do i

surreal
shy's different. everyone, including herself, knows it. sometimes it's hard to understand why she says the things she says, though she seldom says something "wrong", so it's not a negative thing. just far different. and some people aren't comfortable getting used to it.
i've only seen one, fuzzy, picture of her, and she looked like daria or something.
she was one of the first people to welcome me on the boards when i started posting. if she hates you today, tomorrow's a clean slate. she'll drop all grudges like yesterday's laundry. i've seen it a lot.
all in all, she's easy to get along with, even if you never come to terms with her crazy ass ways of thinking, which at least gives some variety.
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Old 05-27-05   #4
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ok how well do we think we know people?

nobody can ever really know anybody. no matter how well you think you may know someone. or want to get to know someone. you can never actually know them as well as you MIGHT think you know them. because we are what we are and nobody is what they seem to be. since we don't really know people the way we think we might know them. do we really know ourselves?
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Old 05-27-05   #5
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creations.

what is it inside that makes us feel the emotional and mental aspects of pain, pleasure, and other intense feelings in a physical way? without any physical things happening? its like why do we make the decisions and think the things that we think from day in and day out? what makes us decide how we create our lives and with the train of thoughts these days so much harder in this life time then in any other life generations and generations ago? why do we insist on creating more stress and more pain for ourselves then what is necessary? and what has pushed people to become so cold and cruel over the past couple of generations......?

but i realised that people are people and life is only life......
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Old 05-27-05   #6
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from six(sic)sixxx

so, i had a long, long talk with our dear old shy shy here, and she's confessed something to me that she's just a lil' to shocked about to write in her journal, so she's asked me to do it for her.....

well, as some of you may know, shy shy here has takin' a liking to strippers; so we got to talking, about this "Psycka" and some other stippers, and how shy shy's just so bashful around them itz cute.....so, she asked me what i thought of it.....and occured to me, that shy shy's interest in strippers is simply the fact that said women are open with their sexuality....they are open with their bodies.....shy shy, who many of us know, is not so open about said things......so she asks, "well, why's that?"

and it occured to me, that our dear shy shy here might have "vagina anxiety" (if thatz the correct term)....so i asked her if she perhaps, has issues with her vagina....perhaps, she wished she was a boy.....and naturally, she protested

so, moving on with our discussion, we start talking about sex......and shy confided in me that she doesn't masturbate....and i, thinking she lied, asked her why....well, she then told me that she's tried it once or twice, but felt uncomfortable about it, and didn't like it.....she thereby confided in me, as the topic grew, that when "fooling around" with girls, she doesn't really feel aroused when someone touches her vagina....

so naturally, i told her that she does indeed have some issues with being a woman....more so with having a vagina.....and at last, she confided in me, that yes, she does have issues with her vagina....she doesn't like it, nor knows how to like it....and she wishes she were a boy.....

perhaps, as a boy, she might be able to get more women; perhaps even enjoy the pleasure of sex.......

itz something she told me she's never told anyone else, save maybe a few close friends, and all this was very emotional for her to deal with......but, as we continued talking about it, she finally confided that although she wishes to be a boy, she doesn't want to have a sex change operation but doesn't know how she'll ever come to love herself as a woman.........

so naturally, i told her that such issues aren't too uncommon, especially amidst homosexuals, but even heterosexuals have this problem....especially women.......but, itz something that must be dealt with, and is a serious issue........this confession alone is a good step in resolving said issue, and i think it helps explain some of those lingering questions we all have as to exactly who shy shy is........
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Old 05-27-05   #7
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ok as a human you have to live like a human. you have a right to either like or dislike other people around you. i mean if other people have the right to feel what they want to feel about you. why should it be any different if you want to do the samething? you as a human have that same abillity to form your own opinion of others as well. without letting your conscience getting in the way of it. you as a person are allowed to feel what you want to feel. because you are human. (don't feel bad)

for a human it is ok to have fights with one another. whether it is with a friend, lover, or your family. because sometimes when people fight with one another. it would either bring people closer together or it would either seperate them apart from you. if they seperate from you because of a fight. then they aren't worth the time, energy, or effort to have them being able to stick around in your life. if they however do stay with you. then that is the kind of person you know you should keep. i mean if people don't fight with one another. don't you think that something is seriously wrong?

like what if you are with people whom you never fight with. but you feel as though other people are being bugged out by you. eventhough they choose not to tell you as a person. like they choose to keep it as a secret just so they wouldn't hurt your feelings. because they do care that much for you and love you as a person. that they just choose not to deal with it and not say anything about it.

it would be like going to a desert and seeing something that you want to see. but you are not seeing it clearly enough. but you know that it is happening in a way. you just choose not to accept it and act like everything is seriously cool.

so it is ok to have fights because we are human. don't feel bad when they happen.

love and hate

1. people either feel love but they don't feel hate
2. people either feel hate but they don't feel love (that would be me)
3. people would either feel both love and hate

it is important to have these feelings. because you can't have one feeling without the other. like if you feel hate as a first feeling and you understand it. then you can accept hate for what it is. once when that happens. that is where you will find love. from there you are able to understand both feelings from what is inside of your self.

now if you are going to bring these kind of emotions out to use it on other people around you.

lets just say you are the type of person that loves everyone. but you can't be able to love everyone. because if you do your feelings would be seriously deluded. it would be like as if you are going to be mixing orange juice with water. which would cause you to have a funky taste to it. the feeling wouldn't be balanced.

while if you were to be more realistic and feel both emotions for people around you... your feelings are more balanced. your feelings wouldn't be so fucked up. because you'll know when to love a person and when to hate a person. it is human nature to love and hate people. because we are human...... we shouldn't have to feel bad for what we feel.

stuff that us humans want to feel like doing.

1. if you feel like having sex as a human. then as a human you should have sex. because us humans are orgasmic. with the kind of partner you choose to have sex with wether it would be with a homosexual or a heterosexual. then you should have sex with whom ever it is you want to have sex with. because if sex does make you feel good. then as a human you should have sex.

2. if you feel like smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. then as a human you do whatever is it that you want to do. because to you as a person it would make you feel good.

3. as a human you don't always have to be a little lemon drop.

as a human you are your own person. you have your own wants, feelings, and needs. you also have your own life which you can control and no one else. eventhough you can't control the things which happen within it. because they just happen. you are not people and people are not YOU!

we should only worship our life the way we want to worship it. and another thing we shouldn't worship anybody but ourselves....

but we do of course need to think about the people who do seriously accept you as a human and for what you are about as a human. because those are the kind of people who seriously count and that you want to keep for the rest of your life. while never letting them go whenever something does happen.
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Old 05-27-05   #8
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if you were with a friend and the two of you were to look at a television set. the two of you would be seeing it differently. one person would see it as a television set only. the other person would see the television set as a microwave. that friend is going to be telling you what they see. eventhough you on the other hand is seriously convinced that you see it as a television set and not as a microwave. the friend is going to stand here and show you a demonstration. the friend is going to warm up a bag of popcorn straight into the television set which is a microwave to him. once when the other person is looking at his friend warming up a bag of popcorn into the television set. the bag of popcorn is done and he takes it out and opens the bag of popcorn and eat it. while the other person is seriously confused. he can't be able to understand why his friend is able to do something he can't do. because its like as if that other person can see something in 3D.

one person can see something the origional way. while the other person can see it in so many different ways. that person will try and understand how his friend does it. but no matter how hard he will try to get him self to understand. he will never have the abillity to do what his friend can do.

imagine everything that you see with your own eyes being covered up with clear tape. i'll go with your room as an example. again picture you room being covered up with clear tape. if you were to remove the tape... what do you think you'll see once when the tape isn't there and is your room still going to be a room or is it going to be something different?

you know how there are so many different and final stages in hell right AND what if your room in that final stage of hell? while on the other hand you think your room is just a room. but your room isn't really a room. your room is a cover up of something which doesn't want to be "known."

people do of course have there minds to be programed differently. when it would come to seeing something one way while the other person can see it as something else.

i do of course believe that there is a world within a world.

Last edited by Kendra; 05-27-05 at 13:34.
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Old 05-27-05   #9
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ok it would be really nice if you could program your mind to be like a computer. like if you have a million thoughts going all over the place from the inside of your own head. it would be nice to just simply put your thoughts into a "separate category's folder." from there you could put your important thoughts in with the "important files folder"

and with the none so important thoughts... you could stash them in the "none important thoughts files folder.." then you could get your brain to click on "save as" and classify what you want your thoughts to be named as from when you put it away into your "documentry brain files section."

so when you want to deal with the "important thought files folder" you could go to your documentry brain files and click on "important thought files folder" glance through it and check it out and deal with it right then and there...

then if you are done with your "important thought files folder" then you could hit the delete button and stuff it in the trash and it won't ever be recycled again.

then it would be the same way if you wanted to mess around with the "none important files folder"

if you really wanted to you could delete all of your thoughts and not have to sit here and ponder on them.

but too bad it isn't working like that. because if it could work like that then your head would be seriously organized.

i think i'm starting to become the computer and the computer is starting to become me......

i shouldn't of said that because that thought was seriously scary.
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Old 05-27-05   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kendra
well i am the type of person that doesn't have any kind of religion in her life. and i've lived without religion for 234 years now. yes of course my age is 23. which is why i said 23 years without having religion in her life. so as you people can all ready tell i'm not a religious person. hence i'm an athiest... a person who doesn't believe in god. not like i needed to tell you people what an athiest is.
since i've managed to live this long and far without religion. i've decided not to have any kind of religion in my life at all. i'm going to stick with that decision of mine i have made for my self. and i'm not going to let anybody force me to have religion in my life. or sit here and tell me why its important to have religion in my life. some people are into religion and some people aren't into religion.


but however i did of course wanted my self to belong in a religion. as you people can see i have changed my mind about that. because for one thing i don't like this whole intire thing about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to religion. but even with the concept of good vs. evil it is still presented in morality. but how is a person sappossed to be an indivisual through religion by having what is right and what is wrong in religion? i feel that if i were to have a religion in my life. i would get and feel more pressured from the right and wrong concept. and that would make me feel like shit. i have realised that i don't need a religion in my life to be an indivisual... i know what is right and what is wrong with or without religion. and with this decision of mine i feel free about it. this is what i want to not be able to have at all in my life. and that laddies and gentalmen is religion.

i mean there is no god. not that there isn't some eternal force. but theres no man sitting on a throne saying. you bad! you good! since your good go to heaven. since your naughty as all shit go to hell and burn in the flames!

i was talking to a friend of mine name sixxx(sic)six. this is what him and i were talking about on yahoo messanger as a matter of fact. and from what i had to say about this. this is what sixxx(sic)six said about me tonight on yahoo messanger.

from sixxx(sic)six " that you an exitentialist in some form......you have conceptions of right and wrong thru morality.....but as morality is such a sketchy subject, you go a more liberal/logical/scientific/existentialistic route...you, a self-proclaimed and openly proud lesbian, not too mention slightly darker in nature, understands that people are people.....but some people are more ignorant than others.....like religious fanatics and such......you're very liberal"

well this is all i have to say about my journal.
when setting religion aside, you'll find life is easier if you just ask what you believe to be true. period.
what you believe may influence whom you become, but it won't define who you are. in this way, if everyone believes the same truth, that doesn't mean everyone is the same, because there are so many other ways to be an individual.
just something to think about. find your truth kendra, but don't decide on anything because of what others think. just find what really convinces you to be true.
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Old 05-27-05   #11
Kendra
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so you are saying that i should set my own rules and have my own beliefs. i hope that i have understood you correctly on that one.
thanks surreal.
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Old 05-27-05   #12
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Need help on this.

i need to think more clearly about a situation. be a little bit more reasonable with it and see what the outcome of it would be at the very end. there is a reason for it to "remain" the way it is sappossed to be remained. but the remaining isn't going to be remained for a bad reason.... the remaining is going to be remained for good reasons only. for now maybe i should take a little separation away from it for a while. maybe then i'll come to the realization of it someday. or maybe i won't be able to come to the realization of it. maybe from there i'll be able to see if the way i was feeling was good and true or if my feeling was seriously bad and faulty and not true.

while on top of it i don't want to lose somebody that is seriously very deary to me. because if i lose it.... then there would be this gigantic hole at the very pit of my atomach. that hole would be getting bigger and bigger and bigger to where it would just keep on growing. then i'll be losing alot of sleep and i'll feel devastated.

i'm going to go back and look at something from which i've written

"ok how well do we think we know people?

nobody can ever really know anybody. no matter how well you think you may know someone. or want to get to know someone. you can never actually know them as well as you MIGHT think you know them. because we are what we are and nobody is what they seem to be. since we don't really know people the way we think we might know them. do we really know ourselves?"
that is just it right there.


1. some people can learn everything and anything about a person.

like how many smiles does one person have and what kind of expressions that they use from that smile, to know what it is that they are into and why they are into it while understanding how it touches the very pit of there soul, to know what would make a person happy and understand why that something would them happy, to know what would make a person sad and understand why that something would make them sad... just understanding in general there likes and don't likes... and there expressions and unexpressions... and yaddah yaddah yadddah and other. while knowing there backgrounds, heritage, and religion.... knowing what they do or don't do.. what kind of a talent they have... as well as there form of music.

2. how do you FULLY know someone after all of that and how do you know if it was all for the truth or not on information spouting? when that was all about getting to know someone..........

3. eventhough you might not know that much about them and they don't know much about you like from the inside and outside... while people seriously come to this conclusion "you don't know anything about me." well do you think you me inside and out? that would be a good thing to tell people when they say it to you.

4. no matter what we are still drawn together anyway. from when you tell someone "you don't really know me." which is seriously weird and how that can be a big mistery all on its own. but does it really matter if you know that person or not while still feeling something for them?

so by knowing stuff about a person inside and outside... would that make your feeling become true and good about the person? because that would show you as if you are seriously into them and that you are not fucking around. you are seriously giving them "your all" from what you got in that big heart of yours....

while if you don't know anything about that person at all... from the inside and outside your feelings wasn't ment to be good and that your feelings are faulty and just purely bad. to where that feeling would be nothing but infatuation?

i do understand the concept between infatuation and having a crush....

infatuation is when you see a girl and you fall in "love" with her quickly.. then boom you get tired and you take off.

where if you have a crush... that crush would stay on and that crush would never go away.

but still it is FAR better to have somebody as a friend then as YOUR companion. that is what i ment by " there is a reason for it to "remain" the way it is sappossed to be remained. but the remaining isn't going to be remained for a bad reason.... the remaining is going to be remained for good reasons only." which is friends..

1. i just need to see how i could be able to make sure of my self on this. because i really don't want to do anything stupid. nore do i feel like loosing this person either. how do i turn off the way i feel much less seriously figure out the way i feel?

2. if my feeling was positive and it is a crush. then i seirously don't want to go into the relationship thing. i'll just be the friend that i can be.


just like the way the person does want it to be as just as much as i do.

what do you people of kendra's journal have to say?
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Old 05-29-05   #13
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on darkforum i've noticed how most forums don't seem as pact as the other ones may seem. what i've been trying to do is get those places back to getting more buisness again. you know make it back to being fun.
so far i've got the adult and i'm trying to get the playing going on for its self as well. i'm still making up more shit to do over there as well as the adult section... then i'll see other places on darkforum which i would be attracted to and see if i care or not to bring it up to being fun or not. anyway this is all i've been doing for the time being. give my self something to do on here.
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Old 05-29-05   #14
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yo word up!
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Old 05-29-05   #15
Kendra
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ok well i pretty much seem like this show called "Degrassie" alot... i like how they have better acting quallity and how well they shoot that show. then watching how everybody would go through problems... all of that is just WOW!
i just found out today that my brother matt and his wife name sarah also watch that show as well. i felt happy about! because i know how bizzar it is for aa 24 year old to watch a show called "degrassie" but i don't give a fuck that is a seriously good show. pretty much everyone i know in person watches it basically. we were all breaking out in a conversation about the show and characters today. when my family was over here at the house and we all went out to eat... but i soo can't wait for the new season of Degrassie to appear up. i'm getting pissed off with the re-runs....
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Old 05-31-05   #16
Kendra
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ok well my family has left to go to cloud croft. they will be gone for two days. i wanted to stay home because

1. that would be a short trip

2. there is nothing up there to begin with

so i would pretty much rather stay home. i'm glad i have the whole intire house to my self.

at the moment i'm listening to the smashing pumpkins. eventhough my cd is scratched up and i haven't changed the sound of it.
because

1. it is relaxing

2. i'm lazy

3. i really don't give a shit

4. i'm imitating it and maybe soon with the scratched up beats... i'll make a rap song out of it.

but i'm just sitting here going "duh"

i have my collection of beer from last night. i'll get my self to clean my room today but i feel really tired though.

i think this week my friend carly should be coming back.
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Old 05-31-05   #17
errantrogue
which one, though?
 
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cloudcroft, cloudcroft... why is that name so familiar?

are you in New Mexico?
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Old 05-31-05   #18
Kendra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by errantrogue
cloudcroft, cloudcroft... why is that name so familiar?

are you in New Mexico?

no el paso


well have you been to cloudcroft before?
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Old 06-01-05   #19
errantrogue
which one, though?
 
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nope just recognize the name...

ewwww... el paso.
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Old 06-01-05   #20
Kendra
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ah i see...


yep el paso *nods head*

well i'm thrilled that you came into my journal. what made you come across it? i'm asking that out of curiousity. anyway your always welcome to it.
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