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Reload this Page Copy of a Hypothetical Abstinence Contract
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Old 01-14-05   #1
errantrogue
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Copy of a Hypothetical Abstinence Contract







Quote:
I, Blanche Ordures {heretofore reffered to as the assignee}, promise to Jesus {hertofore referred to as The Lord} that I will not perform or participate in the following until within the bounds of Holy Matrimony:

A.) Sexual Intercourse (Vaginal, Anal, Oral, Auditory, Phone, etc.)
B.) Dancing (known to simulate or lead to Intercourse)
C.) Holding Hands (known to promote feelings of arousal and love)
D.) Read (known to promote free thought and rebellion)

Should the assignee fail to avoid any and all of the listed acts, The Lord has the explicit right to forgive or condemn to Eternal Hellfire the assignee and visit said punishment or fogiveness unto the Fifth Generation for males, Tenth Generation for Females.



_______________
assignee's signature


_______________
The Lord's signature


_______________
witnessed by


_______________
notary public
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Old 01-14-05   #2
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*reads over contract*

So...rampant masturbation is ok then?
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I feel this way on DF...a lot.
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Old 01-14-05   #3
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When do you sign this rouge?
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Old 01-14-05   #4
errantrogue
which one, though?
 
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catholic school aparently...
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Old 01-14-05   #5
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Really? Not over here.
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Old 01-14-05   #6
Lenina
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You all can drink this cup of SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

No way would I ever sign that shyte... Don't they want you to live...? And no reading? So is that before or after you sign the contract because if yer not supposed to read then you can't really read that contract through can you? Or afterwards, you can't read the holy bible either... Yer fukt people!
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Old 01-14-05   #7
Becki Bondage
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You realize this is a joke, right?
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Old 01-14-05   #8
errantrogue
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenina
Or afterwards, you can't read the holy bible either... Yer fukt people!
well... i would assume that the womenfolk would have to learn their scripture from the clergy, as god (and the catholic church) intended...
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Old 01-14-05   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becki Bondage
You realize this is a joke, right?
No shit captian obvious.... Two fuckoff fingers up for that display of dipshittedness...

ANd well Nick...

I wannabe a clergy member because that means they would listen to anything... "Go forth my minions, and grab me a six pack of beer and roll me a spliff.... Buy me stuff... Mahaha!"
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Old 01-14-05   #10
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damn. sounds good! where do i sign up?
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Old 01-14-05   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quiet.....
damn. sounds good! where do i sign up?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becki Bondage
You realize this is a joke, right?
She busted up your hope of joining Quiet....

I want to kick her ass.... But intead... A spaz wave is in order....
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Old 01-14-05   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenina
A spaz wave is in order....
that's a dance, right?

as a duly ordained priest of the Church of Satan, i hold you in breach of contract!
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Old 01-14-05   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenina
She busted up your hope of joining Quiet....

I want to kick her ass.... But intead... A spaz wave is in order....
meh. that's ok Neena.. i enjoy living in my delusions... absinthe, anyone?
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Old 01-14-05   #14
errantrogue
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naw, im out of wormwood.
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Old 01-14-05   #15
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I didn't mean to breach the contract.... It was all your fault anyway... You and yer f00king riverdance!
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Old 01-14-05   #16
errantrogue
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while "The Lord of the Dance" is technically a CoS trademark/corporation, riverdance itself is owned by the Catholics... they try and get us to pay royalties, but we tell them to bugger off.
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Old 01-14-05   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenina
No shit captian obvious.... Two fuckoff fingers up for that display of dipshittedness...

ANd well Nick...

I wannabe a clergy member because that means they would listen to anything... "Go forth my minions, and grab me a six pack of beer and roll me a spliff.... Buy me stuff... Mahaha!"
What is a spliff? Is it a joint? That's what we called them back in my day. I'm not up on the groovy things you younguns say now. I'm so old and unhip.
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Old 01-14-05   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quiet.....
meh. that's ok Neena.. i enjoy living in my delusions... absinthe, anyone?
'

*get the glass, sugar, and straining spoon* start pouring buddy....
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Old 01-14-05   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluten
'

*get the glass, sugar, and straining spoon* start pouring buddy....
Hey! I know about that! Am I cool again?
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Old 01-14-05   #20
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Naw, yer not cool... Your a cleche of not cool old man... Keep yer cardigan on grandad.
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