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Old 12-14-04   #1
bluten
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Fear of commitment?

Anyone have a fear of commitment? I have slowly begun to realize that I may be this way, and it kinda scares me. I don't want all my relationship to follow the same trend that I've been setting. Any advice on how to overcome it, is it my fault? have I just been seeing the wrong person or just not met the right person?

thanks
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Old 12-14-04   #2
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I'm a bit of a romantic and believe when you meet the right person commitment isn't a problem. A friend of mine was a with this guy for five years and he finally proposed, then, before the wedding he met another woman and was married to her and had a child all in the first year.

People that commit to the wrong person sometimes just do it out of insecurity and boredom.
You have to ask yourself a few questions.

Would my be drastically altered if they left me?
Would I support them in anything they did, even if it took them away from me?
(I don't mean going to prison for murder, more a job that travels etc)
Is this person, in my opinion, the most desirable boy/girl in the world?

If you answer 'no' to any of them, it aint meant to be.
I met my husband thirteen years ago when I was fifteen, and I knew that was 'it' then, as much as I know it now.
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Old 12-14-04   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nivvie
Would my life be drastically altered if they left me?
Thanks for the advice

Honestly, I've only had one person really mess me up when she left. Subsequently, I done the breaking up for as long I can remember.. it's occured to me that I also might be comparing all relationships to that one person. I'm over her now, but she was the only one whom I supported in every way, as you said.. hell, I would've died for her night and night again.

arr... well, only being 22 helps.. I have time to figure things out still
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Old 12-14-04   #4
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If your only 22, I really wouldnt worry about being afraid of commiting. Go out, meet people. Get expierence. Looking to tye yourself down isnt going to get you anywhere. Comitment is something better to be discovered, rather than proposed.
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Old 12-16-04   #5
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I agree with much of what Ditto said.

Go out and meet new people, and if you really click with someone, I think the key is REALLY getting to know them BEFORE you go jumping into a full-on commitment. The more you know someone, the more you can deepen the bond and the more you will be able to trust them and feel comfortable and be yourself with them. I found that really learning and understanding someone with whom that discovery process is MUTUAL and not one-sided is the best combination. I had to learn this the hard way several times. It wasn't fun in the end.

Also, is it possible that maybe you have a lot going on and really don't feel like having a committed relationship right now? I mean, you are young, I am sure you are probably either working or in school or both, and perhaps have a lot going on in your life, and are still learning more about yourself. Not that a committed relationship would not work now; on the contrary, a good close intimate relationship can really test you and challenge you to grow as a person, as well as be a source of support and closeness when you need it. But real relationships, in reality, can be a lot of work at times and can be challenging on all levels. Are you ready for that?
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Old 12-20-04   #6
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i don't fear commitment... i just don't make commitments with people im not willing to make a commitment with.

simple.
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Old 12-20-04   #7
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I know I have a certain degree of it. It's one of a few reasons why right now I feel afraid of getting too close to anyone of the opposite sex. I start feeling afraid of being abandoned by the person and feeling suffocated at the same time, and the vulnerability is excruciating. But, at the same time, I am totally aware that the only way I am going to get over it will be to go straight through it.

Paradox, paradox, paradox.
Life is weird that way.
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Old 12-20-04   #8
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there is only paradox because we are of two minds... and we are only of two minds (or more for that matter) because of the dilemma of choice.

we CAN choose, so we agonize... well, most of us anyway.
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Old 12-20-04   #9
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I agree, errantrogue.
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Old 12-20-04   #10
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your siggy pic makes me angry... not at you, but at Paramount for not putting Daria out in Boxed Set yet... grrr.
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Old 12-20-04   #11
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just wanted to say thanks for the advice and feedback
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Old 12-20-04   #12
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This reminds me of something a favorite highschool teacher of mine said. We were reading Crichton's Eaters of the Dead (His best book probably because it was actually written by someone else). We get an interesting perspective on how incredibly brave the Vikings were, then a little ways into the book there is a scene where they find a small statue of an obese pregnant women, an ancient Venus figure. The Vikings are literally sickened from fear at the sight of this. I pointed out that it was funny that these warriors would be terrified of a stone figurine of a pregnent woman. My teacher looked up and said: "That does make you wonder what they were really frightened of doesn't it . . . Maybe, Commitment!"
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Old 12-20-04   #13
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bluten said:
Quote:
just wanted to say thanks for the advice and feedback
On my part, you're welks. Everyone gave good input here and it's always good to get different spins on things like this.


errantrogue said:
Quote:
your siggy pic makes me angry... not at you, but at Paramount for not putting Daria out in Boxed Set yet... grrr.
Well, it's there for two reasons...one was to make Shy shy laugh at the time, and the other because I am very Jane Lane.
*kicks Paramount in the gonads for you*
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Old 12-20-04   #14
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sentiments appreciated.
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Old 12-20-04   #15
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Don't mention it. It's probably deserved because I'm sure they've done something to offend me as well that I can't immediately recall.
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Old 12-20-04   #16
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hmm... back on topic.

the only "fear" dealing with commitment that I've ever had centered around the possibility of getting a girl whom I didn't love and wasn't willing to support preggers.
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Old 12-20-04   #17
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Ooh, that would definitely be a biggie. That's not one that you can really call a time-out on and then just do away with. That would be scary.

I think about that sometimes too...as much as I want to be a mother sooner or later, it's not something I could take back if I don't like it. Then I go back and forth in my head whether or not that means I am totally not ready, or if it's just the normal doubts and ambivalence someone encounters in such a big life decision. One thing is for sure, I know it tells me that I understand the magnitude of the responsibility, which is a good thing because I know other people who already have children and/or a marriage who don't take it quite as seriously.
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Old 12-20-04   #18
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sex for fun is a dangerous thing...

i would say that i think she rather loved me (an unmutual feeling), but the time lapsed between jumping out of my bed and jumping into another was rather brief, so...
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Old 12-20-04   #19
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sex for fun is a dangerous thing...
Agreed here as well.
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Old 12-20-04   #20
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hmm... why is commitment such a catch-all buzzword in relationships these days?

it's like saying that all a guy is interested is sex... which is generally false. sure, sex is a big part of any SEXual relationship. but so is presence, conversation, support, etc.

why is it that we only focus on the trite issues?
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