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Old 07-31-04   #1
Kendra
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my journal.

well i decided to make another one of these so called journals. of course i have nothing interesting or important to say. but i thought i should start one anyway, incase i DO have something to say in here. since this is all i got to say for the time being. i'll leave this journal as it is for right now, but i'll come back once when i have something to write about. so take care of your self and enjoy my new journal.
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Old 08-01-04   #2
Kendra
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well i noticed how not too many people may understand me. i have some people who think they do understand me a little bit. but not as much as how i think they should understand me. but if people are interested in me as how they say they are interested in me, then they should be able to understand me all the way.. if they are that serious about me as a person that is. while being able to understand me without taking me the wrong way as how most of the majority of people would do. but that is ok people don't seem to understand me, as well as me not understanding my self. i mean i'm not THAT complicated to understand as a person am i? well if i'm that complicated to understand my self, then i think it would be complicated for other people as well.

but i do of course love it when people try to understand me, and get to see what i'm about as a person all together. eventhough i will of course get sensative when a person would get a little personal with me, but that all depends on what it is that the person is getting personal with me about. but other then that i still love it when people try and understand me the best way that they can.

listen if you people can understand me the best way that you can. and without taking me the wrong way. that can seriously open up the door for you. you'll be able to see sides to me that most people won't be able to see. cause i hide alot of my self from alot of different people. since i hide alot of my self, i seriously have ALOT to show.

but i think it would be harder this time to understand me as a person. cause when i have people who are interesting me, and want to get to know more about me. i all of a sudden don't know what to say about my self anymore as how i used to...

instead i'll have you people listen to me very carefully. and learn all that you can about me as a person. i think that is a bit of a challenge for you people. but who doesn't like a challenge these days?

well this is all i mainly got to say for right now on that subject. which was about my self.

other then that my night is ok i guess. since i don't know what to say about the kind of night i'm having to begin with. and of course i sound very calm in here, because i am calm.... i'm just sitting here listening to music and having a cigarette.

didn't mean to talk your heads off in here. but i hope you enjoyed what i had to say for tonight. take care of your selves and have fun.

naughty night darkforum.
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Old 08-01-04   #3
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*lix*
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Old 08-01-04   #4
Kendra
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part 2

more understanding about me as a person.

1. i can be a sensative person. but i have a hard time trusting people, and i don't want to let anybody in. eventhough i do feel lonley and want to let somebody in. but that can be a hard thing to do since i don't know who to trust. because i have been fucked over alot by people in the past. i've been hurt by people quite enough. and i don't want to get hurt anymore. but the weird thing is i love it when people trust me though. i hate it when people don't trust me.

2. i take people seriously when it comes to having a friend. when i have a friend i don't play mind games. i don't fuck you over. i'm also very loyal for a person. i can be a really good friend to you. and i can stay as your friend untill the day you grow old and die. i'm very trusting as a person. but has a hard time trusting YOU though. treat me the way you want to be treated. if you treat me nice then i'll treat you nice back... but if you act like a fucking shit head then i'll act like a fucking shit head back. if you decide to beat me up with the kind of additude you are trying to approach me with... also as a friend i can be seriously cool to hang out with and be fun. if i'm not too shy and quiet in person. in person i'm very layed back and mellow. i'm all about the peace, love, and none violence... i hate drama shit! i hate anything that has to deal with drama really. i'm also none bitchy though in person. hence i'm a libra... and that is all what libras are anyway. were all about the peace, love, and none violence... and we keep everything in balence anyway... so that is what i'm like to you as a friend.

3. i tend to dwell alot on things. i'm a heavy dweller. i think too much as well as worry too much. i can't seem to let anything go.. which is why i have a hard time getting my self to sleep at night sometimes. since i have so much shit going on inside my head from what i dwell or think about.

4. i do of course have a family. but my family doesn't understand me and i don't understand them. at least we all get along with each other a great deal. so that is good right there.

5. for a person i can look intense, sad, angry, sometimes lost, and nervous.... but not all the time just sometimes.... and when i don't look like that in person... i can look fun, wild, crazy, layed back, loving, caring, idiot, dork, geek, silly, and funny.... depending on what kind of an additude or emotion i'm having.....

6. i'm very apathetic for a person.... yet i do of course hate feeling apathetic. but its something i can't get rid of. and feeling apathetic i wonder if my soul is really that black or none. but just because a person is apathetic doesn't make them a bad person. its just how they are as a person. and its something that a person can not control when it comes to being apathetic. and feeling apathetic isn't all to great sometimes. but in a way being apathetic is good. because you don't have to feel or show emotions while being apathetic like when someone dies or something...and you have a bounch of people around you which you don't feel like showing your emotions to.... so in a way i see that to be a good thing. but then again that is just me.

7. i think outside of the box. i see things in a different way then how most people can't. sometimes that can get very annoying though. and sometimes it doesn't...

8. i can be a smart chick... but i like to play dumb though... yet i don't understand why i do that. i'm a smart girl who just disguises her self as idiot haha.

9. i'm full of saprises and shock values.

10. can i put anything else about me down for number 10? man i feel bad for number 10 and i can tell it was expecting me to list something about my self by its number. well sorry pal but i do feel for ya though. my heart goes out to the number 10.... its my hommie G number! w4rd up yo...

well anyway this is all i have to say about me..... oh ya and "lixxs tijuana bandit back."
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Old 08-03-04   #5
Kendra
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not needing religion in my life.

well i am the type of person that doesn't have any kind of religion in her life. and i've lived without religion for 23 years now. yes of course my age is 23. which is why i said 23 years without having religion in her life. so as you people can all ready tell i'm not a religious person. hence i'm an athiest... a person who doesn't believe in god. not like i needed to tell you people what an athiest is.
since i've managed to live this long and far without religion. i've decided not to have any kind of religion in my life at all. i'm going to stick with that decision of mine i have made for my self. and i'm not going to let anybody force me to have religion in my life. or sit here and tell me why its important to have religion in my life. some people are into religion and some people aren't into religion.


but however i did of course wanted my self to belong in a religion. as you people can see i have changed my mind about that. because for one thing i don't like this whole intire thing about what is right and what is wrong when it comes to religion. but even with the concept of good vs evil it is still presented in morality. but how is a person sappossed to be an indivisual through religion by having what is right and what is wrong in religion? i feel that if i were to have a religion in my life. i would get and feel more pressured from the right and wrong concept. and that would make me feel like shit. i have realised that i don't need a religion in my life to be an indivisual... i know what is right and what is wrong with or without religion. and with this decision of mine i feel free about it. this is what i want to not be able to have at all in my life. and that laddies and gentalmen is religion.

i mean there is no god. not that there isn't some eternal force. but theres no man sitting on a throne saying. you bad! you good! since your good go to heaven. since your naughty as all shit go to hell and burn in the flames!

i was talking to a friend of mine name sixxxsicsix. this is what him and i were talking about on yahoo messanger as a matter of fact. and from what i had to say about this. this is what sixxxsicsix said about me tonight on yahoo messanger.

from sixxxsicsix " that you an exitentialist in some form......you have conceptions of right and wrong thru morality.....but as morality is such a sketchy subject, you go a more liberal/logical/scientific/existentialistic route...you, a self-proclaimed and openly proud lesbian, not too mention slightly darker in nature, understands that people are people.....but some people are more ignorant than others.....like religious fanatics and such......you're very liberal"

well this is all i have to say about my journal.
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Old 08-03-04   #6
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As long as you feel good about your decision and the descision was your own, nothing else matters.
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Old 08-03-04   #7
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yep exactly! and that was my own decision, and i seriously sat here and thought that on my own time. nice to see that you made it and i hope that you come back
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Old 08-12-04   #8
Kendra
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ok well i've found out that i have someone who is secretly in love with me. but i don't know who that person is. because that person doesn't speak up. why are people afraid to tell me how they feel about me as a person? people can tell me anything that they want to tell me. i won't sit here to laugh at you or even make fun of you. come on people i'm going to use some commen sence here... ok for one thing i'm a women... and i'm only 5'0 and weight 130 pounds. yes i'm a tiny little thing. so you know right there that i can't even kick your ass for falling in love with me. the only harmfull thing i can do is kill a fly instead of a person and there feelings twards me. and once when you tell me that you are in love me with me. i'm not going to bite your head off or even shove a chainsaw up your ass and start it. hell i have a hard time lifting a big carten full of milk.

like in this life i'm single and don't have a lover. and you people know that i'm a virgin. which means i haven't been with anyone as a couple and done things that couples do. i'm seriously single and available. and i've been feeling sad because i don't have a lover and would like to have one. also i'm lonley to and it would be nice to have someone as a couple.

but nope i have people that are silent about it instead. which is giving my heart a little break to it.

but since i don't know who that person is. i would feel pretty stupid being the inspector gadget here asking people questions about who is secretly in love with me.

but this is all i have to say so take care.
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Old 08-13-04   #9
Kendra
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letter to my parents.

Dear mom and dad,

i want you both to know that i love you very much. eventhough i don't really know how to show it. but it doesn't mean that the love i have for you isn't there at all. but with the love i have for the both of you will always remain forever in my heart. but i want the two of you to listen to me very carefully to what i have to say. and the two of you must listen to me very well. i am very unhappy about my life and for a person i feel as if i'm very sheltered. which is causing me to be unhappy and i feel as if i'm missing out on so much in life from what i want to explore and see. and i need to see other things besides the house, and being stuck in my room, and using the computer to communicate with other people all the time. as well as watching alot of cable television. i'm not a baby anymore and the two of you need to realise that about me. i'm a grown women and of course i'm almost going to be 24. but the two of you can't keep me as a dependent person forever. also i know that family isn't always going to be around me for the rest of my life. yes it is true i am scared about it but i'm also being brave at the sametime. i can't do any of this on my own. and both of you know that i have a learning disability and that i'm dyslexic. which is why i need the two of you to help me get out there in the real world. i'm not like my three brothers who can do stuff on there own without having any kind of trouble doing things for them selves. i am very different from them as you can see. i also understand that you may not be able to understand me as i may not be able to understand you. but at least all of us get along a great deal and that we don't judge each other when it comes to our family. as well as how we all love each other. but i need the both of you to let me go and to have a chance to explore the real world. and how am i going to learn about the real world if i'm dependent and having to live a very sheltered life? how am i going to learn how to take care of my self if you don't help me out? but the only way someone learns about life is if you go through it. yes life can hurt me but i'll from it and move on. trying to make the best of it as how everyone else does and learning how to servive on my own. i need my life to change and i need to have it changed know. and i don't like living at home either. i need to be out there and i should be out there and not in here. why do you think i smoke alot as well as maybe have a few drinks here and there? because i'm not happy.... how come you think my room is a mess? because i'm not happy..... now i want the both of you to know i'm not doing this to hurt your feelings. because i love you both to death. and you are very good parents. and i like the fact that you let me have and make my own decisions. and you don't care about me being a lesbian just as long as i'm happy with the kind of lover i want for my self. i'm doing this because i want you both to realise that i can't keep my life this way. cause i'll never be happy the way as how i know the two of you want me to be happy. and the both of you did agree that i need to get my self out there. but yet i have no help on getting started. and it still feels as if you both are keeping me caged up. i hope that this letter of mine helped you both to understand about me and how i'm not happy right now. but wanting my self to be happier in life. if the two of you can let me go. but i still love you. and its not like your gonna get rid of for me good. i'll always keep in contact with the two of you. the reason why i chose to write this out to you in a letter. is because for one thing i'm afraid to speak up. and i never get my self to speak up for anything. which is another i need to work on by the way and i will.

your daughter,
kendra

well this is all i got so far. and i'm not to sure if this letter sounds ok or not. and if i need to make any corrections in it. please let me know. and help me out a little bit if you want to and thanks. i'm going to sleep.
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Old 08-13-04   #10
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I love it doll! And im very proud of u for doing this! And it all sounds great! And hehe i see u used some of the stuff i said! Im glad! I love you hun! *hugs/kisses* YAY! My Kendra is changing so much on me!!!!!!! I love it tho! Your speaking up and sticking up for yourself and i luff it! U get tons of humps for this!!!!!! *humps away*
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Old 08-13-04   #11
Kendra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tijuana_Bandit
I love it doll! And im very proud of u for doing this! And it all sounds great! And hehe i see u used some of the stuff i said! Im glad! I love you hun! *hugs/kisses* YAY! My Kendra is changing so much on me!!!!!!! I love it tho! Your speaking up and sticking up for yourself and i luff it! U get tons of humps for this!!!!!! *humps away*

thank you!! yes what you said was perfect.... which is why i'm happy i got a chance to talk to you about this. and i need to stick up for my self anyway. because this shit is making me unhappy like you would not believe.
"hugs, kisses, and does alot of humpings back" haha wow that cheered me up. i'll hand this to them tomorrow.
thank you for the help shelly. and yes i've noticed how i've been changing alot to. and its not for the bad but for the better. and i have been changing and still changing... i feel like a flower who is wanting to blossom and turn beautiful in a garden. instead of turning all black and start dying.
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Old 08-13-04   #12
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yes yes yes yes yes yes YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

yay! *is so happy and proud*
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Old 08-13-04   #13
Kendra
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thank you

i'm glad i have sapport from you. and i'm also going to get sapport from mallory as well. like if this letter may not get through to them. i'll have mallory get my stripper and i'll make sure that she is seriously hot. and then i'll take her into my room. and my parents made a rule that there shouldn't be any sexual activity in the house once so ever. but if they bitch about me being caught with a stripper in my room and having sex with her... i'm going to come out and say this "mom and dad.... i'm an aldut and adults have sex. i'm not a baby anymore so get over it!" incase the letter doesn't work.
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Old 08-13-04   #14
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hahah this is like my 5th time in trying to post this...Hope it works!

But ya i would LOVE to see their faces!!!!!!!
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Old 08-13-04   #15
Kendra
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its just that i'm thinking of alot of different things to do......... god you and i would be laughing are our asses off about it. god i love the way i think
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Old 08-13-04   #16
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hehe yes we would! I luff the way u think 2!
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Old 08-13-04   #17
Kendra
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hahaha that made me laugh and blush at the sametime!
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Old 08-13-04   #18
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Old 08-14-04   #19
Kendra
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today i'll do that thing with my parents. and see how well it will go. hopefully it will turn out fine. then i'll let you people know what happens from there. i'm not as nervous about it today as i was yesterday and so i'm going to be very calm. before i go out and do this. after that i'm going to call my friend mallory up and see what the both of us are going to do today. well her and i both have cash and were thinking about going to a bar..... since that was said last night from when i called her. that should be fun to do today. but i'm not going to get wasted out of my ass......... i'm going to watch my self at the bar and be carefull about what i'm doing. and then i'll relax and have some fun. well this is all i have to say at the moment. i'm going to go get dressed here.
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Old 08-14-04   #20
Kendra
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well it was all a big missunderstanding. they don't hold me back. but if i want to learn something i should come up to them and ask them.... they never hold me back. they also understand that i wrote it out the wrong way. and i feel pretty much stupid. but hey we all make dumb misteaks right? and that is what i did and so i'm going to move on and not bother with it...... on the missunderstanding from what i did. but at least i know that if i need help on learning how to do something. i can go up and ask them. i seriously feel like smacking my self on the forehead for that. but at least they know i didn't mean and i sure as hell didn't... man i need alot of changing and growing up to do actually. and that will all change people...... and i'm not going to write in here for a while.... do for ignorance on my part.
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