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Old 06-13-04   #1
thefallenikarus
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a really wordy doomy thing we call a journal

hello im new here but i'm gathering that its fairly obvious but hey you can never over state the obvious. so where to begin two of my friends are on major meltdown mode for various reasons. I had to tell the younger brother of my ex boyfirned who killed himself that i can't be friends with him because he reminds me too much of his brother and i want to call him ryan when i see him and not Jesse,. So we met over coffee and i told him and there was crying and screaming accusing more crying him telling me i'm an evil doomy person and that i'm taking out my past issues on him, but he is a mirror image of his brother and seeing him everyday makes me want to jump him because i think hes ryan which is bad so ihad to let him go. I t was sad and i felt like the one demon from buffy that eats human hearts. And icey told me that i'm a good person and i did the right thing but i still felt like satan. But he assured me i did the right thing, and to make me feel worse after i ripped out jesses heart did a tap dance one threw it in a blender made a smoothie and served it to him, he still offered to take me home, like the gentleman that he was and that made me feel more like a heartless creature of doom than i already did. the crew went to see sunshine on the last day of schoool and that went crazy because there is an awkward jealousy issue between, and thats a longer story than worth explaining at this time. I'm going crazy cause most of my friends are having weird relationship issues and i really can't do any thing to help and i have just realized that this is one really long sentence and i don't really care punctuation is vastly over rated, but back to the original thought of the weird situation there is lots of awkwardness but every one seems to be strangely okay with it and the only one trying to talk it out and solve it is me and that is no picnic and i dn't like picnics because it always seems to rain if your having a good time and look their is a really funny water stain on the desk, i got called be my ex teacher ex boyfreind Mr. W and that was a strange conversation he wanted me to come over but at least hes not married anymore but i wasn't interested he's just my friend now no benefits i didn't buy in to the h(o)mo but thats not the point he read my book said it was really good but the floww is hard to follow at first because the perspectives change quickly between thre characters and i said cool because thats how its supposed to be quick moving and disconcerting. I have been writng song to use with my band wich i am in with care bear and i think icey is in it to but oh well does it really matter no but i think its raining il ove the rain its very beautiful and cooling the dog still smells likes its decay buts its still alive you have to hate old age you start to smell funny, the tv is talking a bout razorsharp things and it makes me want to bleed but i gave up cutting because its bad and if icey can kick h i can kick cutting well im done rambling for the moment because i'm feeling doomy now and doom is a very good word moy favorite word actually wait i think i was trying to wrap this up okay well good bye and i shall return to pummell your brain meats with my free form heart and head purging so good bye to the world and doom to you all
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 06-13-04   #2
thefallenikarus
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I can't sleep so i decided to post in this journal thingy again and the good news is that my mind is moving at a less frenetic pace so thats a plus. I should be trying to sleep but sleep is overrated any way i usually do mine in cups of coffee its quicker and tastes better than dreams they go down bitter sweet most of the time. They tell you things in riddles that are somtimes hard to swallow, but its all good. I say that all the time its all good. But what does it really mean, "Its all good."? I mean just take a look around the world out the window even and you can see its not really all good. We have a power fiending president living out at personal vendetta under the guise of a liberation. What a great job we've done so far. The tade bans have yet to be lifted and they have no economy and some towns and parts of the city still have yet to be restored electricity and sanitation, the people are poorer then ever and still starving. A lot of good we've done. Sure saddam was brutal dictator and horrible person but the real reason we went after himn was not the womd but that the president needed a to put a head up on the wall of terrorism was and the one he want osama has eluded everyones grasp. So he went for the next best thing so he could still give creedence to his war and terrorism, and his revocation of citizens rights known as the partiot act where you can be held without charges and tortured and no one will care. But the most harrowing thing is the constant loss of young life that is being casual written of a casualties of war. The bodies keep pouring back drenched in tears and flags dangling meaningless medals to greiving families fo an unsubstanitated cause. But every dies right so why not die under the guise of fighting for something righteous and noble soldiers spill their blood for cold hearted liars we call world leaders. I respect deeply the sacrifice soldiers make but i hate the way dubya writes them off like nothing important. I have friends going in to the service on boy in particualar and its cutting me like nothing else to know the danger and the disregard in which this stupid fight is waging. the millitary is a noble cause but our governments intentions are anything but noble. I guess being the dark misanthropis little punk boy that i am I find it hard to look past the piles of body bags beiing shipped back to this country. The lives of people as young as 18 being cut down by senseless violence, losing their klives and their light to fuel a battle. Being taken a way from their family and freinds losing their presence, being reduced to a hunk of stone on a hill marked by a name and a meaningless flag. A good friend once told me that words aren't remembered but presence is, I don't want my friend to end up as a grassy plot and lose that pressence. We have made no progress in helping them govern their selves and doing nothing to stop the uprising but more to cause them like abu ghraib. Sending more bullet through bodies spilling the blood of the brave to be washed away by oil and toweled off with tainted blood, but its all good. The american public has closed its eyes to the truth so they can live safely in the suburban exsistance while poeple who have barely experienced their lives cut down losing limbs use of their legs and lives. But its all good.

I may just be crazy but love makes you say stupid things and i would rather not lose a beautiful soul to a cause that was manufactured. but whats the point the pain is what makes sense its all that has ever made sensel. Pain drives people love is a funny thing it always seems to fade away or shift change be less intense but thst pain reamins the same. Pain and hate the two things that keep humanity going. Hate makes people get up in the morning their hate from their world and their need to make it bleed. Make it fell their presence some say it with guns spilling bullets into blameless bodies to vent their own pain, some people use the blade to bleed the truth from their veins that their mouth deems false to speak. Hate motivates people to exist wake up to put on their blackacrombie and bitchiness and masks of anti-social behaviour and hatred of people while just wanting to connect. But its all good right? Every makes their place and everyone carves their own niche. Good or bad they make their presence felt whether they fake it or play it true. I struggle with the same things but we all do. And in the end love makes sense even though it makes you throw out all things considered logical. I still love a boy who refuses to admit feelings of the same but i remain there patient. Forgetting all about the world as i fear the war will swallow him i only care that he lives. those are my thoughts hope you enjoyed.
tata for now
love
the fallen one
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emo to english translations.
"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 06-14-04   #3
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Hello again mr journal it has bee a long time since we talke well two days but its all good and stuff. It has been a fairly uneventful past couple of days you know beside the meddling of people into my love life texting a person i care for that i love him but its fine because we worked everything out and no feelings were hurt and no souls were eaten by the hand puppet of doom. So pretty much its been a good past couple of days and i have no real complaints. Except the crazy rain and i haven't been able to go and take pictures so my trigger finger is itching to shoot something. Mostly likely icey but hey if you have a favorite person to shoot you just do it. and moving on.

My good friend carebear has finally left her cave troll she beast with four heads hanging from her uterus of a mother for good yesterday and iam happy as a clam, but i don't know what makes clams happy nor do i care but i am happy and thats a a rare thing for me. She has been taken her moms shit for too long and with much coaxing from me she finally agreed to leave her mommies house. But all is not well 9in the psyche of carebear because she still tinks shes a failure and the girl that she loves is a complete wack job but hey love kill the logic right. I mean logic will break your heart once you start rationalizing your feelings you've pretty much screwed yourself out of the blissful ignorance of romance and welcomed your self to the doomed relationship were you rethink all your feelings and emotions because you are now ridden with self doubt but hey you win some you lose some.

Some other people i know are being really annoying taking on personality traits of ones they are dating and becoming just as annoying fake and bitchy but people with leechy have a tendency to do that. Other people have taken offence at my harmless joking Bob is jesus, but its cool im just a goof ball and love everyone even if they don't like me much for reasons im unsure but big hugs foreveryone. Well i surely vagued that up for you hope you enjoy
tata for now
love
the fallen one
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 06-17-04   #4
Metallix_Iceman
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Ikey, my man. You need a hobby.
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Old 06-17-04   #5
dark_duqualle
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this class sucks rj, change it!
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Old 06-17-04   #6
Metallix_Iceman
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Change what Fran? The Class? It's over tomorrow....
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Old 06-17-04   #7
dark_duqualle
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then another set next week, and the week after, and another after that, but not for me. i graduate this peice of shit in 2 more weeks.
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Old 06-17-04   #8
Metallix_Iceman
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Well, Good luck. -nods- I do wish you the best in the life that you wish for, and hope you obtain everything you want in your life. I hate to see anyone fail, even someone who at one point in time I hated, but now, Your not half bad. I can least be civil towards you and not want to vomit. yes, that was a joke. But you are pretty cool, Fran. For some reason, I still think if it weren't for adrian, we probably would have turned out friends. But alas, it shall never be. -shrugs- oh well.
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Old 06-18-04   #9
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I have many hobbies, i just don't sleep. It gives me more time then anyone possibly needs to to reflect one things. Which means i type randomly about what i feel. So its all good. well whatever.
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Old 07-13-04   #10
thefallenikarus
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its been a long time since i posted here but thats kinda obvious so with out further aduei. So much has happened since my last post. Robbie simmons the aforementioned marine going freind has left and i am all saddened. I don't like to use names while online but lots of people thought it was about them and it wasn't so i'm clarifying for all those involved parties. Everyone has seemed to go insane in my happy (theoretically happy) little circle of friends. My brother died in Iraq, I went to his funeral. It sucked I slit my wrist but the blade i had was too dull to do any real damadge which will be a sad fact for some people but hey i'm here. And once again my curse of not dying is still in effect. So next topic. My best friend in the whole world is breaking down and i can't help him because of the emotion awkwardness and thats sucks. Did i mention that i had to spend time with my family at that funeral, and that in itself is an unpleasent glimpse of hell. A gay punk with a religous fanatic marine with a really high rank as a dad. fun insued. I'm tired of typing at the moment will post more later.
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 07-19-04   #11
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rae's mom was at my house when you sent her a message via cell phone saying something like 'i hate my family'
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Old 07-19-04   #12
thefallenikarus
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yeah putting me and my family in a concentrated area, then bad things ensue. For obvious reasons we don't get along and the longer i can go with out making contact with them the better for whats left of my humanity err sanity. but there good poepl as long as your straight christian republican and listen to classical music and dress conservatively. I fit none of those catogories.
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 07-19-04   #13
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My dads side is like that. I want to light the sticks up they asses on fire. my moms family are a bunch of drunk red necks. I love them.
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Old 07-19-04   #14
thefallenikarus
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my whole family hates. I'm the mistake. but i'm also the most sucsessful in my family so what the hell.
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 07-19-04   #15
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fudge 'em
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Old 07-19-04   #16
thefallenikarus
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i'd rather not that incest. I'm a freak but not that freaky, besides the only good looking people in my family are not realated to me or my family.
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"lets go cut ourselves"- lets go to starbucks.
"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 07-19-04   #17
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suuuuuuuuuuure your not
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Old 07-19-04   #18
thefallenikarus
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hey i'm into alot of crazy things my brother is one thing i have never be in(to). I dislike my family so much even if i was into incest they all just major turn off so the point is moot.
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"I bleed black" - venti carmel macchiato, please.
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Old 07-19-04   #19
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why are we talking about incest
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Old 07-19-04   #20
thefallenikarus
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i have no clue. lets move on shall we? so hows your spleen?
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