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Reload this Page An Exercise in Futility.
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Old 05-08-04   #1
Manifesto
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An Exercise in Futility.

I write this only for the purpose of catharsis. I need to express the way that I feel, even though the way that I feel cannot be expressed. an exercise in futility, the story of my life. I don't know why it is that I cannot make the decisions that I know are right. I wanted so badly to be a father, to be guiding force in the life of my child. I know that I am in no way ready for such an enormous responsibility. I wanted to love and be loved unconditionally. I wanted to have a reason to live, but what right to I have bringing a child into this world if I do not already have that reason. I was so scared when I heard the news, even the possibility of a child makes me question everything I know... everything that I once wanted for myself was put in second place. But despite my fear, despite my anxiety, and more than both put together I was happy. That fact alone scares me more than anything. Now that I know that she is not pregnant I feel so much disappointment, so much regret... so much self loathing. I hope that someday I can be the man I know that I can be so I can be the father I want to. I am so empty.... it was just not meant to be.
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Old 05-08-04   #2
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it teaches you that no matter how much you like your life without a child due to lack of responsibility, when the kid does come whether wanted or not, there is something better to take the place of all those things you give up.
love is an awesome thing.
you don't think you're ready. few fathers ever do. i've met men that raised good women that ended up telling me they cried themselves to sleep in fear that the baby would not have a good life or father.
it's not an easy task, but it's not an easy task to fail at when you love the kid.

as soon as i meet the right woman to have one with, should i ever meet her, i'm ready when she is.
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Old 05-08-04   #3
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oh and to follow the df method of handling such posts, uh, you suck. i wish you'd had the kid etc.
feel slammed? good.
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Old 05-08-04   #4
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ha!...........but yeah, that sux man.....sorry.........but think of it this way, at least you got a few more years of good "shagging" left
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Old 05-08-04   #5
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Old 05-09-04   #6
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i don't think you read the whole post or misread the important part.
i'm not saying this smugly, just informatively.
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Old 05-09-04   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manifesto
I wanted so badly to be a father, to be guiding force in the life of my child. I know that I am in no way ready for such an enormous responsibility.
Based on the rest of this post, you are ready.

Quote:
I wanted to have a reason to live, but what right to I have bringing a child into this world if I do not already have that reason.
Family is the reason. Everybody figures that out eventually. Even people with wonderful careers and causes that are important to them. Kids are the ONLY reason to live.

Quote:
I was so scared when I heard the news, even the possibility of a child makes me question everything I know... everything that I once wanted for myself was put in second place. But despite my fear, despite my anxiety, and more than both put together I was happy.
Yes, you're ready. You get it. When it's time to make the choices, you'll make the right ones, or at least the ones you truly believe to be right.

Quote:
Now that I know that she is not pregnant I feel so much disappointment, so much regret... so much self loathing. I hope that someday I can be the man I know that I can be so I can be the father I want to. I am so empty.... it was just not meant to be.
You're young, don't get all fucked up in the head over this.
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Old 05-09-04   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Synikul
Based on the rest of this post, you are ready.



Family is the reason. Everybody figures that out eventually. Even people with wonderful careers and causes that are important to them. Kids are the ONLY reason to live.



Yes, you're ready. You get it. When it's time to make the choices, you'll make the right ones, or at least the ones you truly believe to be right.



You're young, don't get all fucked up in the head over this.

thank you for this post... it has helped me think the situation thru more than you could have anticipated when you posted it. now, I am going to go fix myself a drink at 1 in the afternoon and keep my head in a healthy fog untill I pass out later.
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Old 05-09-04   #9
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It gives me a warm feeling inside when I give someone a reason to drink.
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Old 05-09-04   #10
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oh yeah. im fucked up.
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Old 05-09-04   #11
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way to go synikul. alcoholics anonymous would be nowhere without schmucks like you.
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