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Old 01-23-04   #1
dk123
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Notes...

I dont know whether this thread will turn into a diary or a journal of some kind,

maybe just jottings of things i think, things about me, things ive done, and things i say now and again that i might like to look back at.

well, i spose that's all.

i dont expect replies, just let me do this, for me.
i dont have much, but every little helps.
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Old 01-23-04   #2
dk123
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98% of all the "friends" i had in high school turned in on me and backstabbed me and left me with nothing but bad feelings and hatred for myself when i left high school.

i spent years and all of my time helping them, being the best friend i could, supporting everyone in every single way i could. i went to extremes for those people, people i thought maybe liked me, respected my friendship and liked what i did for them, at least were grateful. and in the end, all i got was treachery, insults, a blind eye, ignored, and no thanks of any kind whatsoever. i was discarded. left alone, no help, no friendly deeds, no smiles or handshake or anything. I went to no parties, no gatherings, no "friends gettin together to say bye" nothing at all. about 70% of them have disregarded my existence. the others insult me continually, so basically i worked my ass off, and all i have to show for it, is that friends, well.... im not sure i know what friends are any more.

what have i done in reaction?

nothing.

I'm still nice to the ones i see, even though they stand infront of me and insult me and everything i do to my face.
sometimes i wonder why i even bother living.
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Old 01-23-04   #3
dk123
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sometimes i really hate my body.
not just because i look in the mirror and see a disgusting mass,
but because of all the random things about it.

quite a few years ago, about 6 years ago i think, i started getting insane pains in my lower abdomen and my groin.

i went to the doctor and he did some tests and random suchlike, and i was diagnosed as having something called "grumbling appendix"

apparently, its not serious enough to be that i have to have it removed, just that i take tablets when it hurts. and take lots of tablets to stop it and "cure" it.

well ive been taking tablets for about six years now, and the pain still comes, i still have to bear it, ive tried lots of things, but still it comes. incapacitating pain. like being cut open from the inside with a really rusty knife coated in tcp.

it makes me have to go to the toilet lots. which is a pain in the ass and embarrassing.
to add with that, i have IBS (irritated bowel syndrome...god what a shit name) and thats fucking annoying too. coz that hurts as well, and sets off my appendix, and grrrr.

ive been vegetarian, ive stopped eating wheat and dairy, ive taken tablets, supplements, additional vits and mins and everything.

it seems im stuck with it.

my cousin had the same thing. about a year or so ago, his appendix nearly exploded. if he hadnt got to hospital in time, he woulda been dead. it apparently was insanely large.

that made me feel a whole lot better.

when i was being tested for things, i got a warning that i might have bowel cancer. this was very very nice.

my friend in college was away at the same time i was having tests, and when came back, said that a relation of hers was diagnosed with bowel cancer. he was given 3 months.

he lasted 3 days.

oh what a boost to my morale.

in the same week, i was hanging out with some old friends, and was sitting in agony on the path outside one persons house. she went in to get me a drink, and her mom came out and shouted at me and accused me of being a tramp. they explained i was in pain and i said to her what was wrong.

she said that "thats not good. and it could turn into peritonitis"

i went on the net that nite and found out what peritonitis is.

what a great boost.

so other than the fact ive got that, im an ugly bastard, completely unfit, i cant do anything, ive had countless injuries including one which is a right cunt,

i was sparring with a boy at my dojo and i pulled one of my favourite combos on him... unfortunately he saw it coming this time, and kicked me straight in the back. with the wrong kick. too close. bam.

i now have a badly curved spine at the base by my waist. makes my arse stick out and makes me hunch and my shoulders arch forward too.

i also get back pains alot now.

ive got scars all over, from burns, fights, and mishaps. fortunately one of the worst incidents, when i was hanged from a tree over some white water rapids and the rope slit my throat open, didnt scar. how did it happen?

well, me and my dad were canoeing in australia, or kayaking, i dont know im not an expert.. we were in a two man one.. and we were goin down some rapids. amazing fun.
well... some fucktard had made a rope swing.... with a LOG on the end. and put it over the rapids... at a very strong point.

we were unable to steer clear. the rope went one side of the boat, the log the other. the boat was being pushed forward by the rapids. i was hanging in the air, with my shoes caught in the lip of the canoe thing, trying to hold on. my throat was slowly being cut by the friction and i was basically being hanged, with extreme force pulling me down. my dad had to capsize the boat and pull me down with it, and we had to be rescued by other canoers and our stuff bought to shore.

that was the end of the trip as u can imagine, and i dont know what to say really... the wound got worse, i had to have antiseptic poured all over it so it didnt go all horrible, which hurt like hell, and it totally fucked up my holiday.

i also have a scar on my eye, from where i was thrown into a stage at a party/discoey/thingy and ended up in hospital with a soaked red tshirt (was white) and stitches across my face. i basically cut my face in several places, and my eyelid was slit open and hanging from my face.

there are other things but i dont think i'll write them down here.

i suppose i should write about my head soon, and i'll probably write lots of things from my life down... the low points, and maybe if i can find some, the high points.

i spose its a good way to vent it, which is why i think i started this thread...

well, i'll stop for now. im gonna do something...not sure what, just... something...

Last edited by dk123; 01-23-04 at 04:53.
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Old 01-28-04   #4
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my poor sweetie, I hope things get better for you later on in life. hopefully soon your 'friends' will realize what dicks they are and be there for you. you know I'm here for you! ~smooch~
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Old 01-28-04   #5
dk123
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addion - to be added just after following bit from above -

my friend in college was away at the same time i was having tests, and when came back, said that a relation of hers was diagnosed with bowel cancer. he was given 3 months.

he lasted 3 days.

oh what a boost to my morale.

well, i phoned back up after a while coz i never heard my results. i phoned up, the person said "bear with me" and i waited...and waited... and waited....
she came back on in about 10 mins and said "hello...they are....acceptable....anything else? no? ok. bye"
=hung up=

i still dont know what that meant. shit me up something good and proper.
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Old 01-28-04   #6
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god only gives you what he knows you can handle.


god wont give you anything he doesnt think you cant handle.


i have faith that things will improve for you tozzy.
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Old 01-28-04   #7
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"Life sucks and god hates everyone" lovely words from my lovely world history teacher.
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Old 01-28-04   #8
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thats not helping dri


how are ya by the way? long time no talk to
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Old 01-28-04   #9
dk123
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*falls onto dri*

*curls up*
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Old 01-28-04   #10
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whatever.


*walks out and goes back to bed*
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Old 01-28-04   #11
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*scrabbles on the floor towards lily but misses *
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Old 01-28-04   #12
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go curl up with dri, its what you wanted right?
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Old 01-28-04   #13
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*shrugs*
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Old 03-11-04   #14
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there's lots of stuff that i wanna write here, but i just need the time and possibly the energy to. also i sometimes dont know where to start...
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Old 03-12-04   #15
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i luv you
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Old 03-13-04   #16
dk123
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dont think im luvvable.
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Old 04-28-04   #17
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when youre an extreme manic + clinical depressant with paranoia, anxiety problems, shite self image, no self esteem, self loathing, cut off, isolated kid with hardly any friends in the world, rejected, upset,insomniac, had his medication taken away, failing therapy and losing all the things he tries for in his life and his made up lives, you tend to get a little down now and again.
i get no support from my friends, insults, aggrovation and isolation from them and my work
i fail all the things i try,
im unfit, ugly, fat, malnourished, have no motivation, no energy and no will to live...
sometimes i do get a lil down.
i have mental blocks that prevent me from seeing the good things in life, prevent me from thinking about them, accepting them, reading them, typing them, even recalling them from my mind. i cant take compliments, i cant understand them. i cant control my emotions even though im just full of them, i cant smile, i cant look someone in the eyes, i cant bear to be alone, i cant sleep without something in my arms, i cant sleep most of the time, i think alot, and it gets me down. ive had experiences in my life that ive gone through that noone should. ive lost the meaning of friends, i dont even know what a friend is any more. ive been stabbed in the back, betrayed, scarred mentally and physically and not recovered from it at all.
all my goals... are just dreams to me. and all my dreams, are nightmares.
im not good at explaining things, i find it really hard to put things into words. i have real problems doing so... and im scared so badly of saying the wrong thing. so much so im scared of talking alot of the time. im always really scared im going to do the wrong thing. and i really really hate doing so.

just thought i'd give you a lil outline... i didnt tell u everything and i wont. some things i cant even bear to think of coz theyd destroy me.
ok well heres a lil thing... yeah...

byes.
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Old 06-30-04   #18
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aww sorry to hear u feel so down, only advice I can give u is if u manage to find one thing u really luv doing during the week then life wont seem bad as long as u have someething to look forword to.
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Old 06-30-04   #19
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hey tozz, you havn't been on since april.. where are you? just popping up inmy journal and pic thing isnt enough? I NEED TO TALK TO YOU TOZZYPOO
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Old 07-02-04   #20
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maybe. i dont know if i will be here as much as i used to be..
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