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Old 11-17-03   #61
SyntheticMartyr
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Still Tired was morning from Hell... I go to bed can't sleep ... start to doze off finally my sister's alarm clock goes off around 5:30 am... funny part is she wasn't home. I trn it off thing goes haywire and goes off again about 10 minutes later... so I unplugged it.... my mom then gets up for work and wakes me up.... then my dad, then the cat.... Why won't people let me sleep? am I being punished? I am supposed to be meeting someone today but i have a feeling i won't be... oh well maybe tomorrow.
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Old 11-17-03   #62
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nice sig.



very manson-esque.
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Old 11-19-03   #63
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Thanks Lily it was actually he who inspired me to write it.
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Old 11-19-03   #64
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You ever have a day where the insanity didn't end? That's kind of what happened yesterday....and I think I have had more than my fill. As odd as my day was yesterday I feel I have fallen far from my cloud and down into a deep dark place....I feel I am wavering between madness and reality and my last remains of sanity are being burned away...this is the end of all hope.
The ups and downs were frequent yesterday. I went out searching for these gothic stores some friend told me about at shop rite. I only found one of them so far but turns out it wasn't a clothing store it was a lingerie store..... so I left.... I went to eat with dave (he came with me ..... me driving in downtown bethlehem... almost as scary as philly but not quite... no wait this was worse heh.) at a waffle house where i had the best hash browns ever.... found a comic book store that I never knew was up there can I say Omg I can't wait til next week to go up there... they have an extensive supply of SLG comics and some really interesting vampiric posters..... went to Mark's apartment and saw the new Matrix movie... it was ok liked the second one better I think.... went back to mark's apartment after the movie played yahtzee until like 3 am and found out ny friend in the Navy got married and is coming home next week. everyone is getting married around me but me .... I feel like such a waste of space because of that. I am the one inperfection in this world, and my greatest flaw is my desire to be perfect. This life is no longer mine... what happens now is no longer in my hands.
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Old 11-19-03   #65
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yuck...marriage.


maybe one day when i feel the time is right.

perfection is my flaw also.

but as far as i figure....if people my age and younger wanna go get married...fuck em...let em go do it! over half the marriges these days end in divorce anyway.


im gonna wait till im ready...if ever.


fuck the world.
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Old 11-19-03   #66
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Ride the wave man, Ride the wave. i to am learning you cannot control alot of events in your life. ya know almost everyone I know who is my age is married AND has a kid or two! But Im willing to bet I have more fun in one week than most of them do in a year!
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Old 11-21-03   #67
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I am out on a wire today. I am very jittery and nervous, and feel like i am going to royally screw something up, but I am good at tip toeing and dancing around obstacles so as long as I can keep my head glued on I will be ok. I talked to someone today... and for the first time since i can't remember when... I smiled and a brief shred of humanity returned to me. A small amount of happiness has been brought, and right now I am feeling a sense of longing I have never felt before. I can not wait until I talk to this person again. I feel it is part of my fate that I meet with this person.... if only I wasn't so nervous.
Tonight I start my first screenplay writing.....
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Old 11-22-03   #68
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The screen play writing is going great I plugged at it for about half an hour last night and I have about 2 pages written. It's a comedy..... that's right be afraid..... it's coming from a deranged mind so it's liable to be some weird humor. I can't wait until it's finished. when it is finisished I have to copy right it then i may be able to somehow zip up the file and send it to triggerstreet.com for viewing pleasure......
I haven't been able to meet this new person in my life yet but it should be soon and I am actually very excited. I have a feeling things are going to go well.
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Old 11-23-03   #69
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I am sore i am tired and yet i still have some fight left in me. I am sitting here and i am starting to wonder how or why things are changing faster than before. I am liking foods I have never liked. yes ladies and gentleman I have become less picky.... i now like coconut, tomatoes, chili and pumpkin pie... weird i have always hated these foods now I'm like wow.....how odd.
I am not sleeping very well these days so i am easily amused. My dreams are more nightmarish than before usually involving dead children bearing messages and wanting revenge on those that have killed them..... and it's not recurring as far as location but recurring as in theme..... something is not right. Am I really me? I sometimes wonder that. am I real? people say who cares whether or not we are but I don't feel like I am myself sometimes... almost like at times i am taken over partially by a seperate entity and feel like I'm on the outside looking in i can't explain it ..... very odd. also wondering if they sell cat in the hat slippers in a size 15..... probably not i hate my big feet.
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Old 11-24-03   #70
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???


you feelin ok babe?
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Old 11-24-03   #71
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I don't know I don't think I have a split personality but at times I just feel like there is a seperate part of me in my head it's not often but it just seems like something else takes over and it feels like i amusing my body for the first time..... i wonder if it's some kind of possession.... because I say things while this happens but my voice sounds strange and the conversation sounds forced.... it doesn't make any sense.
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Old 11-26-03   #72
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well thanksgiving is around the corner.... big whoop dee doo. wish the managers would get off my back. They are pissing me off asking me to stay all the time when all i want to do is go home. ingrateful bastards i hate them all. anyways, kind of feeling blah right now. wish i didn't have to work tomorrow. and I know how I would spend my day if I could be off. *sigh* someday....
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Old 11-27-03   #73
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Well this is the most interesting day of them all. I take great pride in saying that I have actually influenced someone in my life to be more like me. Heh. That's right because of my dressing attire my 13 year old cousin went out and bought pants like mine.... heh. wow I got a disciple. *laughing* he has much to learn... especially since he made the mistake of trying to play me at risk the board game.... try as hard as you want you can't beat me... lol. I have to prepare myself. Firstly i need to calm down a little, but I am finally going to go on a date this coming week. I talked to this girl like twice and she's really nice, and I've gone gaga. My friend Kim is hooking us up. I owe her big time. it's actually going to be a double date well sort of..... but it's also on her b-day so ... this is going to be extra special.
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Old 11-28-03   #74
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Last Night was awesome.... I was bored so my friends and I went over Dave's house and they brought lip ring girl over and her friend and we were having a lot of fun. She is not the one I am having a date with and yes I do believe I unnerved her quite a bit.... Let's just say if I'm over tired.... don't leave electrical tape and stuff on your coffee table because i will tape things together.... last night I managed to tape a plastic pirate hook, a stapler, a golfball, a small wrench and what looked like a lightsaber toy all thogether and made this weird looking modern art thing.... it was actually quite funny..... I was bored, and being silly.
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Old 12-04-03   #75
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Back from the dead....... I just don't feel right. many days have passed, I have changed too much. what am I.... what have I become. Something feels very wrong right now.... very wrong. I ache, I hurt, and for what???? nothing. there is no reason to feel like a wretch when you have done nothing to bring the suffering, so why do I grieve so? why do i feel the pain? what have I done that was so wrong that it haunts me to the point that I don't even care about anything. I am feeling very low now, and very alone in this world, I hurt.... but why should it all matter ..... I wish to lay here for awhile in my own excremental life for I do not wish to bring myself up into anything optimistic for i know in the end I was meant for failure. No matter what I do I will be less than everyone else.... even if I should kill myself... because that would prove that I am a failure, and i can't do that. Not because I am afraid or that people would miss me but because I have no reason to partake in anything which would cause me pain. I already have enough emotional, physical and mental anguish to personally destroy this pitiful state I live in and then some. But I will hold on to this crappy life because it is the only thing that I may call mine. *sigh* oh why bother try to explain it anyway.... words can not express what I feel only deter me from saying what I really mean... and if this falls on deaf ears or in this case blind eyes then it just proves that the lower I go down this worm hole the less chance of true happiness for me is to attain, and the less of a noise i will make when i finally do hit the bottom. This must be what it feels like to slowly lose your soul..... oh well doesn't matter anymore.
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Old 12-06-03   #76
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This world was not meant for me, and so further down this hole I shall crawl until I am but a speck in the corner of the eye until I no longer exist. I haven't slept well in days, my appetite is a constant variable, my mood is pot luck which one of me will show itself is what you get. I have finally figured out the true why of the way people are the way they are. funny how the very essence of our life shows us our true purpose. Blood cells are transporters of essential vitamins and nutrients. No duh. However, the red ones also transport toxins which the body can not handle, we help.... we hurt. Now having said this each red blood cell used is basically destroyed once it has hauled it's 'goods' whether it be good or bad. we are used... we are replaced. The fundamentals of life are in this principle. and if you look closely all things our bodies do to sustain itself, we do to everyone else for that is nature. Now you can say this is a pessimistic approach to what i call life perhaps a little Darwinistic but to each his own. I wasn't meant for misery but it seems to have a hold on me. I can't shake this feeling of dread. It's there every second of the day.... even when i wake to see a new fresh morning .... hello Mr. Ryan how are we this morning.... fuck off Mr. sunshine why don't you just burn the retinas off a llama..... gee aren't we Mr. Happy pants...... the only thing that'll make me happy is about 10,000 pins and hearing you scream every time I use one on your vitals..... yeah it's kind of like that.

I wasn't meant for this. How much longer....
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Old 12-06-03   #77
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Still breathing, still have a pulse still alive.... still very little sleep, nightmares getting worse. last night I dreamed I drowned in a tidal wave and felt my body hit a shack.... which was crushed under the pressure.... not hungry today.... getting a cold. Further down this wormhole I have created. but where is the bottom..... I guess I'll find it when I get there. No more smiles, no more laughter, Just me and my overwhelming sorrow.
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Old 12-10-03   #78
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Hurt myself bad yesterday bruises on my knee cracked my head off the side of a metal table .... have a cut above my right eye.... it hurts.... my knee not my head. My Grandfather is in the hospital... really bad diabetes sugar shock. *sigh* started my christmas shopping it's getting harder and harder every year to get people stuff .... I have no idea what to get people half the time so I wing it. *sigh* having a boring day.
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Old 12-11-03   #79
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My knee still hurts. But that's okay I'm still smiling. I really happy now..... going to see emily's toy box tomorrow with some friends at some crappy bar no worse.... a crappy hotel bar heheh but that's okay cuz it's emily's toy box and they rule! Got to talk to kelly today.... *smiles* she seems really nice. I can't wait until I get to meet her.
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Old 12-12-03   #80
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yep the knee is still sore.... I hate bruises i really do.... they take too long to go away.
The world has been turned on its side for the moment. It will be an interesting day I'll grant that. But i get to see Emily's Toy Box today.... Hurray! Hmmm well not much to write here for I havent lived enough life yet today to have anything to write about, but I have a feeling things will be odd.
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