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Old 08-21-03   #1
*Tizzie*
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waves of every feeling ever felt

yeah... welcome to the assorted world that is tizzie. i think here is where i can do it best. yeah. i need to start a real fucking blog, but i think this is better, to be perfectly honest.

i'll start out with bitching about my life, because everyone likes a person who bitches because it either makes them feel a little better about their life, or it's more interesting for them...

i feel so fucking sick today. i don't know what my problem is, maybe i'm just all burnt out from the summer. craziness. it was complete and utter chaos. i have a goddamned headache, and i'm so glad in a way that i'm staying home tonight. i feel like hell. even if tom calls me and says, "hey let's go out" i'll tell him, "yeah fucking right." i just feel like i'm going to fucking puke everywhere. maybe i got what andy had. i don't know. maybe i need to stop getting stoned all the fucking time. i was earlier. why? because i had another bad dream. i'm just going to stop sleeping. there's no point. i never wake up refreshed, i never have a decent dream... it just doesn't matter to me. the only time i sleep is when i pass out and when i just can't take reality anymore. i don't sleep for any other reason really. in fact, i'm thinking of going to sleep when i'm done with this post right now. oh well...

i'm tired of tom fucking with me. i love him to death, but he's like, soooo in love with rufus, i swear. he treats rufus like his fucking girlfriend. if he doesn't call rufus, then he's lost. i never get to be alone with tom anymore. at all. it's fucked up. and every time i'm with him, he either has to be drunk as hell, or stoned. i honestly believe that's the only way he can handle me. and the last time i was laid? i can't even begin to remember. i wish i could have a nice intimate moment with him that isn't hurried, hot, and sweaty in the back of his car. yeah, it's really fun and gratifying when i'm drunk, but other than that, i feel cheap. i should tell him, but i'm not going to. he gets all jacked off when i say anything negative. and then he tells me i'm being over-dramatic. fuck it. i don't fucking care. i'm not in this relationship for anything other than the hell of it. eh, i'm just bitching i think. definately talking out of my ass right now, because i can.

i'm bored, i'm tired, i'm fed up. fuck it all... fuck this shit, fuck it. damn it.
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Old 08-21-03   #2
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ok, here's another fucking rant for today. everyone fucking ready?

maura comes over and we're sitting there, smoking a bowl and just shooting the shit because it's been awhile since we did anything like that. then she comes out with all of the problems over at the dickhead house (her boyfriend chris, rees, and alek). so she tells me about alek and his problems with sophia. i laugh, because there's nothing better than triumphing over alek... because i knew that this relationship with her wouldn't work out. it's funny, the fact that now i know that i'm the best that he will ever have... the fact that i was the only thing ever in his life that without a doubt honestly loved him and would give anything to make things better for him. but no, he threw that away... so i think his pain is funny in a way. no, i'm not an awful bitch ALL the time. but she continues with this thing that alek's been going around saying that i was trying to get into his pants and shit like that. i was like, "the fuck?" he's calling me a slut, when it was HIM that was the fucking slut! that penis piece of shit. so now there's even more shit going on that's pissing me off with him, that i'll leave out of here, because i don't care enough to fucking publicize that...

AHHH!!!! FUCKIN' A!!! FUCK ALEK, FUCK ALL THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT, FUCK MEN, FUCK TOM, FUCK EVERYTHING THAT I FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE IT ALL FUCKS ME IN THE END... IT ALL FUCKING TURNS AROUND AND FUCKING BITES ME IN THE ASS. EVERYTHING GOOD I HAVE ALWAYS FUCKING DISSOLVES AND TURNS INTO MY WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE. FUCK THIS SHIT...
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Old 08-22-03   #3
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wow what a read. all i can tell you to do is talk to tom or hell, let him read parts of this. as about aleck (if i spelled that wrong i really don't care) fuck him. he's the ass and its not worth getting so upset about. i would cut off all connections with him. if you don't hear about what the fucker is saying then you can't get upset. personally I don't like the little whore (maura) anyway so I'm going to tell you to stay away from her.

Branch out and find other guys. If tom won't respect your wished you can find someone better. ignore tom for a wile if he doesn't listen. I also think you should lay off of some of the drugs and alcohol, but that's just me. I'll call you some time today.
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Old 08-22-03   #4
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yeah...what dri said...she is full of the wisdom.
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Old 08-22-03   #5
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WHo the fuck has a name like "RUFUS" anymore
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Old 08-25-03   #6
*Tizzie*
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lilywhitemm
yeah...what dri said...she is full of the wisdom.
*smile* dri's wisdom has stemmed a bit from me i don't know, keep reading, because i have a bit more of an explanation.
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Old 08-25-03   #7
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well, the name rufus stemmed from the name he got hazed with in band when he was in high school... "red dufus". so it became rufus.

tom and i are doing fine. i don't know, i was just in a shitty mood. the headaches have come from my fucking wisdom teeth... i figured that out on friday night. i had a wicked headache before i went to the concert and then i drank and it was ok. when i started to sober up, it all came back 10x worse. not to mention i had to hold my sister's hair up when she puked after drinking WAAAAY too much over at her boyfriends.

so now, here's the recent trama for everyone to enjoy.

yeah, i fucked up. i know it, i'm sorry, but what am i supposed to do for some fucking retribution? kill myself? huh, is that supposed to make it all fucking fine and dandy? fuck you. be a fucking bitch.

sorry, that was a pre-emptive rant to the story. here goes:

ok, so here's the events of friday night. it was joc's last night in scott. it was also the second concert of tom's band, crimson mask. i was sorta committed to that being that i am the bassist's girlfriend. they were the headliner, and every band went over the 30 min. allowance. so they didn't get done until about 105PM or so... i don't know. time is all fucked up in my fucking head. after we packed up and shit it was like 10:30-10:45. their set is incredibly hard to take down because of the massive amplifiers, and the double drum set (well almost double). also, we had to squeeze 7 people into tom's little-ass dodge spirit. dave had to take the drummer home (his name is also dave) over in fucking mckeesport, so the party didn't really start until close to midnight. i didn't answer my phone because most of the fucking night we were outside and my bag was inside. tom's phone was in the car. so we didn't call... we didn't answer the phone. and then tom went to get his phone from the car. andy called and all that good shit, and blah blah blah.

joc is pissed off because i didn't call. i didn't pick up my phone. i didn't do this, i didn't do that... I'M FUCKING SORRY, OK? i didn't go to the fucking party in part that brian was on tom's voicemail acting like a fucking drunken asshole. we didn't want any of that shit! if everyone was going to be drunk and angry, then we didn't fucking want that! yeah, i know she's out in hickory, but it's not like i'm never going to fucking see her again. and then, she's on the phone giving me all this shit. yeah, i deserve some of it, but all the fucking shit. ALL THE FUCKING BULLSHIT?! it's just like everyone else, i fucking swear. all they ever do is give me shit to the point where i want to fucking kill myself. i know i'm a bad person, i know i'm a shithead. i know all this shit. i've only been told it all my goddamned life. i thought she was more mature than fucking hanging up on me. i thought she was better than that shit. i thought she was better than holding a fucking grudge because they don't do anything except leave people in a constant tension. that's no way to live a life. and i'm trying to make up for it. i'm trying to do everything i can to see her. i'm trying to get her boyfriend to go see her too because i know she hasn't seen him in awhile. but i know that's not good enough. nothing will be good enough until i'm fucking dead from a drug overdose. fuck it. be a bitch. i wanted to help her live her hard life... i wanted to be there for her when things got bad with the kids and her sister. i wanted to be around when all hell breaks loose. but no. it's not fucking good enough. i'll never fucking be good enough for anyone or anything. that's why i'm where i'm at. fuck it all. i'm just going to fucking kill myself and get it over with.
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Old 08-26-03   #8
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you need to find someone caring instead of your lame ass boyfriend. like me.. forinstance

*kiss*
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Old 08-26-03   #9
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lol maybe i do, maybe i don't. sometimes i swear that i do this shit to myself just for kicks. as if my life isn't interesting enough! anyway, it's not all bad. i mean, some of it *IS* good. ranting about life is fun. it's great for the mind, and WAY cheaper than therapy! yay!

ok, for all of you that soooo love my bitching and moaning, here's another one this fine afternoon!

i awoke this morning with the WORST FUCKING MIGRANE! and what is that attributed to? MY FUCKING WISDOM TEETH! i hate these things! and you know what? it wouldn't matter if i was still on my parents insurance or not because they don't cover dental! i've been dying for over a year because of these stupid things and the insurance never covered it to begin with. it's government insurance, through my father who served his country in the most stupid war of them all! vietnam! the least they could do is take care of his fucking children! but no, that's too much for those corporate, slime fucks! america can't do anything for anyone. fuck them. fuck it all! i'm about to do an at home fucking operation right now because i hate these things. give me a bottle of liquor, five bowls, three vicadin, a scaple, and a pair of pliers and i'll have it done. well, i'll need more vicadin when i'm finished, but it'll work. hmm, i think in the meantime i'll get a teething ring... that'll look REALLY great. but i don't give a fuck. whatever makes me feel better. for the time being, i'll suck down all the advil i have... fuck up my stomach lining, eat some stomach pills, feel a little better, and then i'll repeat this process until i can get drunk and forget about it.

i know i'm doing more harm than good. i'm fucking up my liver, my stomach, and my head all in one. but you know what? i don't fucking care! hahahahahhaha! because i think i've finally lost it!!!! hahahahahaha!!!















































































































pardon me, i haven't taken my medication today.
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Old 08-26-03   #10
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thats a whole lot of dead space.
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Old 08-26-03   #11
*Tizzie*
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lol, i told you i forgot to take my medication! i do odd things like that.
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Old 08-27-03   #12
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Old 08-28-03   #13
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hehehe. ok, i don't have anything to bitch about today. what's the reason? well...

last night was great. i mean, perfect. absolutely. tom came and met up with me, and i was thinking to myself when he came, "this is going to be another bullshit night. he's already wasted and we're going to see two of his buddies. this isn't going to turn out for shit." but i didn't care. i've been through it before. and it wasn't all too bad. i mean, some nights would turn out absolutely atrocious. and other nights would kick soooo much ass. i decided to give it a try.

now the weirdest thing in the world is being completely sober when everyone else is toasted. it's not strange to me because it's always happening... it's just that i'm usually baked with everyone else. another weird thing is when i'm all fried and everyone else is sober. i've mistakenly done that before. lol... there was this one time when my friend came to puff me down while i was waiting for tom to pick me up for us all to go to his band practice. EVERYONE except for tom in that band is straight-edge all the way. so at practice, i was sooo HIGH while they're playing.

after awhile, i started talking on the phone to a few people and then writing in my book. just questions, that have no answers. i'll post that little conversation i had with myself in a bit, when i wake up a little more. after that, tom and i dropped rufus off at the bar, and then went back to andy's.

i'm so happy that tom didn't decide to spend too much time at the bar last night. the bar sucks. i've said this over and over and over again. i don't really like drinking anymore anyway. there is nothing that's worth it. i mean, if i'm a party, hell yeah, i'll drink. but if i'm just sitting around, fuck it. it's not worth it. it's honestly not worth waking up with the shits, a massive headache, and body aches to boot. it's not worth messing up my stomach like it gets for the next few days. and consecutive drinking does even worse to me. i'll get the shakes when i'm finally sober after that. fuck it, i don't need that. i put in my time for partying over the summer, and i'm done with the biggest amounts. and the bar itself is no fun. it's just a dank, dark, smokey place full of middle aged losers with nothing better to do with their time. well, at least every bar i've ever been to, with the exception of nick's fat city. of course, most of the bar's i've been to are complete dives. so i can see why.

andy, tom, and i all went to see freddy vs. jason. that movie kicked ass. i was all fucking high while i was watching it, so it was fun. but after the movie, while we were in the car going home, they kept trying to scare the shit out of me! and you know what? it was working!!!! ahhhhh!!!! they were talking how they were going to duct tape my head to the seat (because i was sitting shotgun and andy was sitting behind me) and takes knives and gut me, and all this stuff about shoving knives up my .... and stuff. ewwwwww!!!! then andy GRABBED me!!!! now, i have to say tom is a good shot. while he was driving and andy was holding my neck and head (as i was screaming crazily), tom just manages to get his hand down my shirt (which wasn't an easy task for what i was wearing last night)!!! WHILE HE WAS DRIVING! for pete's sake!

that's the one thing that always amazes me about tom. he's got the best concentration. i've seen him shitfaced, driving the car like it was nothing. you know, if i was shitfaced, there is NO WAY IN HELL i would get behind the wheel. i just don't have the concentration for it. but tom, no, he's a pro. lol, and he hasn't been driving for all that long either! he can be high as a kite and will still drive perfectly fine. now, i don't like him to drive when he's drinking, don't think in any way at all that is ok with me.

after the movie, we dropped andy off at his house and retrieved rufus. well actually, we ended up going into the bar. i like cool bars that don't care if underagers come in, as long as they don't drink. i would never drink at Tony G's because the cops watch that place like a hawk. i need a fake id. anyone know where i can get one? besides, i never have the money to drink away anyway. i don't really care. it would be fun, but it's not a nessessity. eh, fuck it.

after that we took an AMAZING high ride. those are soooo great. we haven't had a good one in awhile. i should really suggest brian take us on one. for old times. i miss that. chillin in brian's car with tom in the back, it all crammed with brian talking out of his ass... yeah. i definately miss that. but the high ride we took last night was one of the better ones by far. i kept getting all spinny headed every once in awhile, and that isn't cool by me.

the best part of when you are high and have cottom mouth is when you get some kind of liquid in your mouth. there is nothing better (and nothing worse either... it's weird) than kissing when you are soooo high that you have terrible cotton mouth. it's the most incredible feeling, because there is nothing to dull the feeling of your mouth's pressed together in a heated passion. on the other hand, it can get kinda sticky and stuff when you have cotton mouth and have no saliva to give in return. so it doesn't flow as well as a regular kiss.

the fact that i got laid isn't exactly what topped it off. yes, i'm a sex fiend. i just can't help myself. well, not EXACTLY a fiend, perhaps. i just have a sex drive that equals most mens and exceeds others. i've realized in past nights and experiences that my sex drive is MUCH bigger than tom's. we'll go to say goodnight in his car, and i'll be kissing him, touching him, trying to seduce him, but it just doesn't work. now, for the past two weeks or so, i've been working on this... trying to get him into the sack. finally, the first night that i am too wasted to move, he starts hitting on me!

it began in the bar. probably before that, but when you beat on me and tease me, that's flirting, and not really being sexy and suggestive. that's my idea on it. maybe tom's is different, but that's the way i look at it. anyhow, rufus went into the back room to puff this one bartender chik down and left tom and i on our end of the bar, all by ourselves. i swear, this happens everytime the boy drinks, but doesn't get plastered. beer is his aphrodesiac. (i should give him drinks everytime i want sex, lol... would that be a date rape drug? hmmm) but he looks at me, and we're playing around with each other, telling one another that we're done with them and we can't put up with their bullshit and other teases like that. at one point he grabs my hand and shoves it in his crotch. now, when you are appropriately forceful and straightforward with me, it is a HUGE turnon. i was completely sober at the time (well, correction, i was mildly buzzed from what we smoked before the movie) so i was in my right mind to be like, "yes, do me!!!! hahahahahha!!!!"

when rufus came out, we left. we went on a massive high ride... i'll be the first to say right now that rufus has great shit. i only had two bowls and i was smoked under. *THAT* was incredible. so i was completely incapacitated, laughing and being fucking retarded. we dropped rufus off shortly after, and went to my house. on the ride there, he asked, "so how are you doing, my EEEE!" i replied, "i'm doing just fucking stoned, and you?" "well, i'm stoned... and horny!" *laugh* "so how did you get horny?" that's what i'd still like to know. how the fuck did he get horny? i wasn't for a change! that was the only the second time in two weeks that i was smoked so far under that i wasn't! lol! open arriving at my house, we parked in the back as usual and blah blah blah...

i leaned in to kiss him and say goodnight, and he began kissing me like a fiend. i guess it's understandable since we hadn't had sex since the 11th. i kissed him back, sinking into him, falling into the best feeling i've had all week...

you guys can take it from there. i just would like to end on the note that i should stop looking for sex, and i shall receive. lol. that's the way it looks. only one time have i looked and found. so from now on, i'll just play the hard to get card.

i think he loves that kind of shit. if i pretend to be unreachable, he has to try with everything he has. he'll joke with me, say something mean, and i'll move away. no one has any idea how many times i've went to get out of the car, and he's grabbed me. we'll be standing somewhere, and he'll do it the same to me. i love when he reaches for me though. i can't say that i don't love being chased. i'll never move too far though, because once you cross that invisable line, you can come back, but things will get weird. he loves me to be rough with him. he loves to be teased. i think he secretly has a little bit of the "little boy" instinct in him. kids flirt with each other by teasing and hitting and all that good shit. of course, i played that game. but i was a tomboy... lol.

i don't want to get too attached. the last time that happened, it turned out bad. at the same time, though, i said that i wouldn't fall for him either. when alek and i broke up, i said that i would never fall in love again because i would never let myself get close enough to anyone. with tom, i didn't even have to get close to him to fall. and when he said, "i love you." that's what just sealed my feelings completely. then i began opening up slowly. we joke about marriage, but i don't want to believe in any form that we are going to get married. first of all, i'm too damned young to pin myself to one person for good. second, i don't want to set any HUGE definates in my life. that's much too big for me to handle. if i do that, then i'm totally limited. and lastly, i'm not putting my heart into that kind of investment. committing yourself to that sort of thing involves mind, heart, and soul. if something were to go wrong and fall apart, i don't want to deal with the terrible reprocussions. i've had my heart shattered, i'd like to keep some for myself this time...

maybe one day i'll fall completely in love. maybe one day i'll be able to put my everything into something. but not yet. i'm not ready. i'll just float for now... and keep to myself...
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Old 08-28-03   #14
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words..........
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Old 08-28-03   #15
*Tizzie*
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lol, words what?
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Old 08-29-03   #16
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theres alot of them...
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Old 08-30-03   #17
*Tizzie*
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yeah, i tend to put down a lot of words at once. i have a whole shitload for later as soon as i can get up off of my ass and get them...
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Old 08-31-03   #18
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so what if tizzie has a lot to say in her journal. if you don't like it then you don't have to read it. i'm that way in my journal. i have alot to write about. because in person i am soo quiet. usually the people that don't talk much in person are the kind of people that have alot of stuff to say
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Old 09-07-03   #19
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this is the funny thing, though, is that i usually speak a lot in person too. i don't know why... it's not that i really talk too much... i just have a lot to say, that's all.
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Old 09-08-03   #20
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ok, if this post doesn't make too much sense, i apologize ahead of time, but i'm really hopped up on pills right now. and no, i didn't take these pills for recreational use. my wisdom tooth is killing me... so i'm all doped up as a result. yeah, that was the disclaimer.

ok, let me start by fucking ranting as usual. i know everyone likes that so goddamned much, don't you?! don't you?! yeah! that's that i fucking thought! AHHHH!

my boyfriend is a fucking dick. i need a girlfriend, i think. *laugh* i don't know about that, but i know he's an asshole. i don't know why i put up with him being such a cocksucker. well, i do in a way. the good times that we have make up for him being an asshole about 10x over. so i guess it's good and i shouldn't be bitching. but hell, bitching is what i do best. and it seems to amuse everyone around me, so i think i'll just continue on my way. last night, we were driving through the south side and i had just gotten my money for graduation from my aunt and my grandma. so i have $100 to throw around. now i KNOW that i should be saving it and stuff like that, but fuck that. this is the last time i'll get money that i don't have to work for. so i was talking about all that i wanted to do with this money. i want to get my belly buttom pierced... i want to get some new clothes, becaues i NEED them desperately. uhh, i don't know what else i said... *shrug* but he said to me, "not to be a dick, but since you're tossing all this money around, can i have some for gas?" ok, it's not that he asked, it's HOW he asked. i wanted to look him in the face and be like, "well, you ARE being a dick about it, so fuck you." i was GOING to give him gas money and stuff out of the kindness of my heart. but if you put it that way? fuck you. i know i'm with him in the car a lot, but it's not like i ever make him go OUT OF HIS FUCKING WAY to get me and things like that. i never make him cart me around from place to place. i never ask him to take me ANYWHERE. so why the fuck is it my responsibility to fucking pay him? like i said, "FUCK YOU!" i'll give him $20 anyway to shut him the fuck up. but what the hell? i mean, rufus is 46894798472934209486 times worse than i am. rufus asks him to cart his ass all over the place, driving him from one place to another and doing stupid shit. why doesn't rufus have to shell out any fucking money? usually tom likes to go by the rule, "ass, gas, or grass, no one rides for free". what the hell? i have to give all three? and rufus hasn't been living up to ANY of those (i certainly hope not ass, but my friends and i joke about that... so i wonder) lately.

and another thing that pisses me off. i have to call tom all the fucking time to figure out what's going on for the evening's events and when rufus calls, tom fucking is beside himself if he doens't answer the call. excuse me, WHO IS THE FUCKING GIRLFRIEND HERE? obviously not me! i mean, last night was an improvement... when rufus called when tom was driving, he didn't answer. a slight improvement, but fuck if that won't change.

oh, and here's another fuck up of his last night. talk about testing my fucking patience with his bullshit... the dumbass puts his new glass pipe on the jacket that i borrowed from brian. i put the jacket on the ground because i wasn't cold at the moment, but i knew that i'd get cold later because chillin' at seldom seen at 1am in a mesh shirt usually means that you're bound to get cold. so i grabbed for the jacket, and his pipe rolled off onto the ground. so he fucking flips on me, and said, "what the fuck?! you're always grabbing!" fuck him. i flipped out, because 1.) don't put glass on the ground, fucktard, and 2.) it was the jacket that *I* was using! i was like, "well, you shouldn't have fucking put it there because you knew i'd be wanting it!" and then as i got up, i grumbled something about him being a fucking cock. everyone else was stoned as hell and laughing about it, but i was pretty cold and pissed off to boot.

so we got into the car, and i'm curled up in a little ball as far away from him in the front seat as possible. he got in and turned the heat on and everything and tried to make cute noises at me (like, "Eee!" just stuff that we use to communicate and stuff...) in a way, i think he was trying to apologize for acting like a fucking penis... but i don't know. i didn't respond. i just zoned out and thought about other shit because i was sick of being treated like a dumbfuck. then he asked, "are you ok, E?" now, i just said, "yeah, i'm fine, just zoning..." because when he asks, "are you ok?" that means, "do you want to start a fight with me?" or at least i think so... because god help me if i have a fucking complaint about how i'm being treated. it's like, he's doing me a favor by loving me. don't do me any fucking favors. i don't need them! if it's such a goddamned chore, then DON'T FUCKING DO IT! i don't want to catch hell for it later!

he did make up for it later. kissing my hand in the car repeatedly as he was driving did do something for me. i mean, kissing my hand just means to me, "you know, i really adore you..." and playing with my hair means, "i can't live without you." he doesn't do nearly enough of that... but i will make some hints to it later. when we got back to brian's apartment, brian wasn't there yet because he had to drop kayla off at her mom's house in the south side. so tom and i just embraced and cuddled in the car. then we got up to brian's apartment and cuddled on the couch.

i have to give tom that much... he's really cute and affectionate when he's stoned. that's all we did last week was cuddle... he'd get off of work and either pick me up, or come over to my house and he'd be stoned or we'd get stoned and cuddle on the couch. i just lay down on the couch, and he curls up beside me and lays his head on my breasts and sort of zones off or passes out completely. or watches a movie... like we did all last week.

but in a way, i hate the game he plays. i don't know if it's a game, but it sure as fuck feels like one to me. he'll do something that'll piss me off, and i swear, he does it intentionally. then he'll do all he can to make up for it in really cute ways. like, for instance, the week of rufus' 21st birthday. all tom did was go out and drink with rufus... and then one night, he was about 4 hours late calling me. he wasn't picking up his cell... i didn't know WHAT the fuck was going on. so i was talking to joc, and kept getting the feeling that he was dicking me off... i cried. and joc got pissed off and told andy that i was done with tom and pissed off and shit. so tom and i had a HUGE ASS FIGHT in the car on the way to Tony G's. then he stood me up one of those nights that week... on a thursday or some shit. that REALLY hurt. i was dressed to the nine's that night to look nice for him and everything, and he just fucked with me. but right after that... the next few weeks, he was an angel. he was so wonderful to me. like all that shit i said before, he was a fucking asshole, but he made up for it...

oh, here's the latest breaking news having to do with my fuckhead boyfriend. he wanted to escape calling me and saying goodnight, so online he basically said, "alright, i'm tired, i have to get up early, i love you, goodnight..." and signed off less than a second later. in response, i called his cellphone just to leave a message. surprisingly, it rang, but of course, there was no answer. i left a message saying goodnight to him, because i felt bad that i didn't have the opportunity to tell him that. but what a fucking jackass! that's little... forgivable, definately. lord knows with alek i put up with worse shit than this for a whole hell of a lot longer with NO retribution.

sometimes i wonder what his motives really are. does he honestly love me, or is he only interested in me because there's no one else around that shows an active interest and pursuit of him? is he just in it for the sex? (that one bothers me.) when he teases me, does he really mean it, secretly, but just doesn't have enough balls to tell me it straight up? fuck it, i'm overanalysing things again. i'd rather just be blind and take it as it comes because it doesn't matter if i see it in the distance, i'll just try and blind myself to it anyway. so i might as well spare myself half the trouble and let it hit me like a ton of bricks if it's going to happen at all. i don't want to worry myself over stuff that may or may not be there/happen.

i have a job interview tommorrow at some point for halloween adventure. in a way, i'm excited to work there. discount halloween goods rock. that means i can stock up on fishnets and be set for the year. you wouldn't believe how expensive they are when halloween time is over. you can only find them at the overpriced, overhyped hot topic. don't get me wrong, they *DO* have cool shit and i have shopped there a lot. but they just aren't my favorite store, because it's WAY too overhyped and this popular piece of shit franchise now. fuck that... i'd rather shop in the south side at like slackers or something. they are kind of pricey too, but i'd rather not give in to the corporate slimebags anyhow.

you know, for all the mellowing drugs that i'm hopped up on right now, you'd think i'd have a little less bitching and cursing to do. ahh, oh well. it's been awhile since i had a good rant. i miss school for that sole purpose... ranting... free therapy! yay!
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