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Old 06-08-03   #1
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All Giddy and Sh*t

Here this will be my first journal entry. Last week I started Summer I after completing Mini-mester. I have decided to buckle down and just keep going and going and going. This weekend I got a surprise call for my old roommate and friend Harvey. He got evicted from his apartment about a month ago. He moved in with an old friend (psycho) who abandoned him down in Portland Texas.

He spent a nice two-week vacation down in a small town. He sobered up some, except, he was otherwise not able find another job. I met his parents at the Cracker Barrel. To my surprise it wasnít that bad. It was like a country store. Then we hung out until he could move in with another friend. I hope this one is sane. You know it is hard trusting people sometimes. But he told me she abused her Son. To me, that is evil. I almost want him to move back in with her so he can straighten her out. Oh well.

Yesterday was even more fun. I went down to Austin again, after driving all the way back home, to go to an MS meeting with my Mom. They couldnít find it so I just spent a few hours there alone. It was interesting. I learned some stuff. She might have lesions on her brain, explaining why she couldnít figure out it Was Not at the same place as last year. Iím fine though. I bet it was just one long argument for my parents on the hour trip back home. ďJulia!Ē Thatís what my stepfather says repeatedly when they argue.

After that I hooked up with my old roommate again. We went out and looked at the second hand stores. The Hole in the Wall has reopened. I donít like it much anymore though. Itís all cushy and they have shuffleboard. They still have live bands all the time. I wonder if they are any good.

Now Iím back home writing in to DF as my daily social activity. It is nice because it takes as much time as I am comfortable with. There are two assignments due tomorrow. On is finished and half of the other one is finished. Too bad I have to read a twenty-page report and write a three-page summary on it by Tuesday. In other words itís almost noon so I have to go. My sleep schedule is all fucked up now. I stay up until two in the morning but then end up going to sleep after class so I stay up until two again doing homework.
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Old 06-10-03   #2
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Confessions

You know I can't really say I've been a perfect person. When I was younger and hanging out with a bunch of Goths I may have told people I was popular. Truth is I haven't ever been popular. Sometimes people might think so but no.

It is a bizzare satistic sense of humor though. You know every time someone says something bad about another person, then everyone from that group or whomever has the traits that are discussed as awefull are going to be offended.

For example if someone calls me fat, then everyone who is overweight is going to side with me. Considered I'm just medium and alittle on the muscular side after someone overweight sees me they are going to think really badly of the ones calling me fat. If it gets changed to stupid weight lifter, then everyone into physical fitness is offended. Now I think that people think I start rumors about them, even though I don't. It is however a not so nice thing just watching people fall and dig themselves in deeper. So for anyone who will actually read this, maybe it's you who needs to shut up.

That's right. In Junior High I was a nerd. A nerd that modeled. The popular kids called me a slut. Usually I would just study after school and I only had a few friends. For anyone skipping to the end of this I'm a nerdy, snob with a lot of money and carries weapons.

Last edited by NMaries; 06-10-03 at 06:01.
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Old 06-10-03   #3
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~ sigh ~

Well life is all right. I still have way too much homework, but on Blind Date today there was a guy named Joe whom everyone thought was gay, didn't like relationships "dirty" and had enough self respect to vote for the one that wouldn't chose him back instead of the one looking desperate. Wow! Perhaps going on the show wouldn't be too bad, but I hate "dirty" things too. Instead, I'll just write about it in my journal.

You know part of the only reason I decided to accept responsibility for stalking a nameless man with effeminate qualities, wavy blonde hair and big blue eyes is because that is generally my type. I wouldn't want others whom are also my type to get the wrong idea. Really, you are attractive. I hit on him very hard at the dance club and would have slept with him on the second date if it wasn't a double date.

I've been thinking though. One of the best relationships I've had was with a guy with curly dark hair and hazel eyes. He would leave me alone when I said, "Leave me Alone." He liked playing board games and he also was sensitive to my needs. We both even agreed that intimacy is knowing when the other person is lying. Then there was the idea about being sneaky. I was stand-offish for a while. There were some good points though.

It's just been a nice day. Doodling in Math class. Waking up early enough to have breakfast. Well, you know I might be missing out on something with this announcing I have a type scenario. Personality really is more important.
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Old 06-12-03   #4
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It's become apparent that no one cares but anyway, today's journal is something that happened in class today.

There is this punky bleach blonde with over grown roots in my class. Today I thought it would be nice to talk to her since we have the same class schedule. Coming in from taking a smoke break she's sitting there talking about Austin Freaks. Like this guy who wears a thong and another with a weird smile. It was stupid though. She started calling them her friends and all I could think was, "You talk about your 'friends' that way." That sucks. I hope the short conversations we have don't spread into friendship.
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Old 06-16-03   #5
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Weekend

It's another exciting weekend down in Austin. I've been trying to take care of one of my friends who's otherwise given up on life.

It started out okay. His over priced apartment for what he can afford is clean. We hung out and watched cable, had a few beers and talked. He's been lonely. He has plenty of friends, but they just don't seem close. It's understandable. He used to be a waiter at the coutry club. They even wanted to make him the GM at one time, but his pride got in the way now he's out on his ass again. Everyone tells him to go back, but he never listens.

The difficulty level on getting out of depressing conversations was high. However, I'm a genius at doing such. Luckily, it all came to a head on Sunday, before I went home.

First we went over to his friend Renna's. She real nice, kind-of a spaz. I don't care though. Why would I? He got his unemployment check and some stuff from her house.

Then we went to the bank to cash it. The teller was so fucking rude I couldn't even stand it. She wrote all over the check and then wanted Me to fill out my own withdrawl slip. They never do that! It was repulsive. I through my pen at her. Then went to the ATM. The only descent staff on hand. (There was a rug on sale I really, really wanted. It has the Chinese Zodiac on it.) Anyway, that pretty much did it. Now he is virtually broke for three days, because of that cunt!
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Old 06-16-03   #6
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Okay, it's been kind-of eating at me lately. First that B*tch from school is treating one of her friends like a side-show and one of my friends is getting looked down on by society.

When I was younger I had a friend named DC, but I knew him like other people didn't. You see everyone thought he was "crazy," "wild," "stupid," and "transient." What no one knew is he was just down on his luck and too proud to addmit it, so when someone would approach him he'd act like everything was fine. Well it wasn't. When he was young he could have been anything he wanted, but society ripped him down. He lived on a camp ground close to the city. It wasn't really, but he made it that way. No one gave a fucking shit about him and he died. Oh sure everyone laughed at him and it was so cool to know him, but no one really knew anything.

It is like another guy I know. His parents were rich, so everyone just treated him like he was different. After graduating from high school he got a regular job. Then all these rumours started. "He's a druggy." "He's crazy." You know all that bullshit because it turns out just because his Mom was doing alright doesn't mean he gets out of becoming an adult.

So what happened to him. He got ripped down to nothing by his "friends." All of the potential to be a motivator, a scientist, anything he wanted is sh*t. That's a really fucking good way to treat your friends isn't it.

Yeah, so I might be a lot of things, but I'm a real friend not like you hookers that only want the money and power. Being a friend means something. So if you want to come talk to me and have an attitude about me good luck "friend" cause it's not going anywhere. You can say anything you want about me, but I don't have to take your sh*t or be around you.

It's funny. When I was in grade school and middle school I hung out with baby goths. That was even before my slutty friend slept with this guy who ended up living with the goths downtown. Sometimes I think why it never went anywhere. It would seem more logical that I would have continued being friends with them. But then after hanging out with the punks there was a girl Jen who I met in an institution. It seems having a real friendship and knowing someone well is tons better than just knowing some half assed liar. So that's it for now.

(By the way, the psychologists found out I'm "normal." It seems my parents just don't like kids with self esteem. Just knowing that fixed that part of it, but now after people want to shove me down in the gutters, that's a logical decision to side with the ones I really know.)
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Old 06-17-03   #7
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Yet, another exciting day. I'm pretty sure I'm on several ignore lists. You know there was some more interesting comments at school. It's almost like being kept in the loop. First it was, "If you not a hooker than someone else has to be." Then, "If it's not you it's us." I think somewhere in there they figured out I'm not crazy, so it is just them. A little sassing, doesn't matter. I don't usually respond. Ohterwise, they are combing the campus for a willing hooker. That's the problem with not asking questions.
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Old 06-18-03   #8
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Well, the person I was b*tching about made it to the first class but not the second one today. I wonder if she dropped it. Now, that I've vented, I wanted to give her a business card. She does marketing or something. Oh well.
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Old 06-18-03   #9
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Today, there is a problem. My friend got a hotel room for a week. If he moved he's gone already, but if he stayed then he might be in trouble, because tomorrow they'll kick him out. Now I have to decide whether to just go to bed now or drive down there because I can't find the freaking number. Of course I will have to notify both my teachers and I think there is a math test on Friday. What to do?
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Old 06-19-03   #10
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Okay, I went down there. The lights were on but no one was home. It was late and I thought I had missed him, but he would want to get his deposit back, so they would know he was gone. After driving for a bit, I was going to see about sleeping over somewhere else, I thought. "Hey, what if something happened to him. The front office is closed. He might be hurt." Thinking of how I would find out the next day for awhile I turned around and went back. The lights were off this time. It was eerie. Knocking on the door one last time before leaving, he was there. Standing there drunk after going over to the bar I found out the phones there don't have an answering machine. If they don't answer it says that it is an invalid extension.

So it was a bust. I wouldn't have gone all the way down there if I knew he was going to be at the same place for another week, atleast. So much for hanging out on the weekend. It's an hour down. He got his contacts though. Not really an emergency.
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Old 06-22-03   #11
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Dreams

Tonight I had the strangest dream. I was back at my Grandmother's house in SLC, UT and I was trying to sleep on the sofa upstairs. Hiddi Bess's Dautson, Toby my Grandmother's deceased Lapsoapso and Purl my deceased Simease were all there. I was watching the clock and getting an eerie feeling. I've always had a fear that something awefull would happen if I fell asleep between the hours of 100pm and 20am. Tonight I tried getting to sleep at 110pm and then went to sleep at one.

Anyway, in the dream, a bunch of baby bats came over at one. Then my Grandmother came home shortly afterwards. They were acting all hyper about whatever, like how dare you insult us. I grabbed one of them by arm and twisted them quickly to the ground. While I was holding him I accidently grazed his eye with my thumb. That actually happened to Dan once. He punctured a guys eye in a fight. There was blood everywhere. I got a cold rag and my Grandmother was a nurse so she took him to lay down while she treated it. Except I felt like I transferred my fate onto her. In a week attempt to get help I fained needing a cigarette and tried to get to the corner store. Walking down the street in my pajamas I thought about how great getting into my car would have been. Then when I got to the main road there was a whole bunch of gangsters standing inbetween me and the store. There was a lot of police too though, so I was going to go for it. Then I woke up. it was 2:18am.

Still thinking about the dream I got dressed and remembered my wallet and keys, then drove down to the Shell Station on 6th in Belton. It made me feel better. I even won a dollar on the lotto. However, I still felt eerie. Driving down the main road in town the Wall Mart was still open. Doing a little shopping was good. I got a bra though and two guys from school were there. Looking at the clock driving home it was about an hour, so now I'm writing about it on the Internet. I already have a prophetical dream story, mmm could still work into something.
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Old 06-22-03   #12
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There was a big orange tabby that insisted on laying on my side too.
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Old 06-26-03   #13
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Well, today I'm finishing up my paper about me. The teacher had us fill out over fifteen personality tests to assist in our writing of it. Now I wonder about the conclusion. It wasn't even three years ago I took a test stating that I was definitely introverted. All of my tests have always come up that way. The main reason that I think it is now extroverted is I no longer have faith in the "leaders" of people.

In my own introverted way I wanted to talk about getting stalked as an outlet. However, I didn't want people to know it was me, because that would draw attention to myself. That is the last thing I wanted. As the whole thing unfolded my problem wasn't getting helped at all, but there were signs everywhere that maybe people did want to help. Later, I decided that maybe they would help me. I was wrong. They participated in the same behavior that had paralyzed my life with fear for over a year before I started writing.

Then after finally getting a good paying job to help further me being able to get my own home with the eventual pay-off of being able to live seperate from society, I lost my job and havn't been able to find work since. Basically, because I guess they thought they were still helping me. Now I see the truth though. The "leaders" are incompetent. I shouldn't have trusted people like I had always done before, but this time I feel like possibly making a difference. That's the new thing.

People suck I know it, and most of my friends know it too. It might not have to suck though. It is all stupid though. Probably do all this crap just to get knocked down over and over again. The worst one was when people called me a whore. I always act disinterested, because the only thing worse is talking to them about it. I shouldn't have to defend myself. I was raped when I was fifteen had many bad relationships and a few relationships that atleast I was friends with the guy. It has been about three and a half years since I have had a relationship or sex. There is my guy friend. He's the only one I really love. I promised someone else that I would be with him, but he ripped me down just as fast as everyone else, because sometimes I would sleep over at my friends house. I get lonely sometimes. It doesn't matter now. Just the drive to make changes so that less people get hurt is all that matters. They went after him too. There wasn't a reason. I can't put into words how I feel about it.
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Old 06-27-03   #14
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Though probably only the moderators are reading this I would like to say that yesterday I was out of control. It really isn't so bad. I was having my period so it got out of hand. To think though since I've moved home my spite has moved back on to the person where it was before. It's like a sign of love.
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Old 06-27-03   #15
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Today I am studying once again. Finals are next week. Weeeeeee! Oh yeagh! I think I'll curl up in a ball later tonight.

Tommorrow I get to help my friend move. There was a dream about this. I hope it is not foretelling the future.
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Old 06-28-03   #16
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You know tonight I was driving around because my Mom's radio was keeping me up. Just by luck I happened on a road called Knob Hill. It was strange though. Possibly a reaction stirred by the name or an empathic feeling of a battle there at one time.

It was solice an beautifull then a sudden feeling of not being alone. I wonder if that is a holy ground or where a battle was fought. Maybe not, but then I started thinking there is all this land out here where Native Americans lived. There arn't any native americans living close enough to walk out and look at it though. I wonder if I go back in the day time if I could find Shamein mounts. I've found them before on open lands. It would be interesting.
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Old 07-02-03   #17
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Today we took finals. I don't know what my grade is but I'm glad it's over. I like my Math teacher. . . as a human being.

As I was saying. It's all over now.
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Old 07-03-03   #18
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Me

Well, in one of my business classes we took a bunch of self assessments. This should be fun for all the moderators. They are probably the only one who read this thread anyway.

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After taking personality assessments through some career counseling services, it determined I am an analytical person. The words that best describe me are introverted and sensitive. Most of what the original test showed over five years ago still holds true today. However, with the development of my personality through work experience my priorities have changed. Just working as a cog in the machinery is no longer satisfying, I feel a greater purpose to try to make changes outwardly to better other peopleís lives.

The tests results from the book reflected what I had felt before. There is potential with the skills already developed. As for being a CEO, it is not likely even with good leadership skills. My self-esteem is high with a sense of entitlement. This explains my tendencies to play hardball and be uncompromising, without a show of faith from the competitor. Even though going International could be a part of my future, vacations are better than long stays and my adaptability is low. I would rather compromise before collaborate. As for avoiding, forcing and accommodating forcing an issue is not my style, but it will be a cold day in the Amazon before I accommodate someone. Avoiding those who do not want to get along is what I normally do. It is valid.

My analytical skills are still what defines me. Making a business-involving computer is good. The chapter five self-assessment stated I would like computer analysis. Strategic Planning is an option however; my Time Management is falling short. It is true though; sometimes I place deadlines before people. Actually, it is about par. Surprisingly my Emotional Intelligence is high. I guess that explains why all the areas of Human Resources work well with me, except General Human Resources.

The one thing that throws me is the self-assessment in chapter fifteen, I have always thought myself to be a visual person however, it appears kinesthetic is my best learning area. It was close on all of them but it went kinesthetic, auditory and then visual. Maintaining eye contact has not ever placed importance to me though. It makes sense.

What does this mean to me in personal growth and reaching my goals? Well first, eventually someone with skills that are more personable will need to be hired. While working on being more flexible will be a goal, for immediate need I see hiring people of all different categories as important, possibly starting with someone who is accommodating. Holding off on a forceful person would probably be in the businessís best interest. The idea of having to bulldog others is not a comfortable idea.

The Rights Theory seems the best course of action when dealing with people. Justice and Fairness is also essential in making sure people do not abuse their rights by imposing them on other. Utilitarianism would only be acceptable in emergencies like downsizing. Finding a scapegoat is non-productive, because it takes away from individual responsibility. Individualism would encompass the main mission and vision for the company. Everyone knowing they are an individual in reward and punishment would at least give a sense of feeling special.

As far as the business-to-business relationship, bulking up on variety and achievement is necessary. Once again, it helps avoid conflict by presenting the business as a worthy partner for collaborative ventures. As for everything else, I feel comfortable. Being active and multi-tasking seems to be a strength not a weakness. However, when dealing with people who rely on direct eye contact, perhaps I will take that as a challenge to develop a more appropriate business appeal.

My family is always important. Usually I have to move in to ever really see them and cards take the place of actual conversations. It has been all right. With the pressures of trying to graduate the Business Administration with a BBA in Business Computer Information Systems is taking up the majority of my time this summer. It has also been worthwhile to build up strategies approaching an operational company. Not only in class assignments to stretch the imagination and place realistic views on situations, it also gives me time away from concentrating totally on statistics so new products have more time to settle in.

As for finding a relationship that has also been on the backburner. Perhaps it is more waiting for someone who is going the same direction. I have always thought of appropriate ways to raise children and listened to good advise where it is found. Some good ideas are recognizing an adult is always larger than a toddler. Excessive amounts of force are never needed. Simply holding a child at eye-level and talking to them in a calm voice, gives them the sense of authority. It is very important to teach a child common sense before the other kids can get to them. A more caring relationship should be fine, plus added information to prepare them for real life will define them as a person. Encouraging them to find their own path will be good. The only way around getting to clingy and overbearing on that one is to lead a separate and fairly busy life.

Finally, my personality test came up as ESTJ, Take-Over Leader. I have taken personality tests in the past it is surprising that it moved from INTJ to ESTJ. It seems like a big leap. I think the main experience making this change happen is sticking up for a good friend. Trying to protect and make sure he is safe even while in danger made me realize I can do this for others as well.
There it is. I'm just hard to get along with.

You know I've always thought of hatred as self-defense. Some day maybe people who try to hurt me will figure that out and I'll stop hating them. Until then, I confess. The reason I aviod most people is it is too much of a bother.

It is funny. There was one person in my class that seemed atleast interesting until she said, "I don't like you." Kind-of forcefull there. There is too much to do without dealing with that. Actually, even if I lived on the street had no job or friends, it would be a waste of time.

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Old 07-06-03   #19
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It's way to early in the morning for me to have not fallen asleep yet. Still here I am wide awake. This weekend I went down to Austin and helped a friend with painting his place. We got drunk both nights I wonder if I'm chemically dependent now. The first night I could barely stay awake, because usually ten o'clock is when I go to bed. The second night though it wasn't until four in the morning I finally turned in. Wow, it is obnoxious being an insomniac. Maybe that nap yesterday was too long.

Monday classes start at eight o'clock, so this is pretty sucky.
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Old 07-11-03   #20
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My life is too boring to write about.
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