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Old 06-05-03   #1
silverflame
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cards that hallmark will never make

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hallmark Cards

Situations Hallmark doesn't cover:

1. I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ... (inside card) I changed my mind.

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ... (inside card) I never believed in Hell Until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ... (inside card) That you're not here To ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... (inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card) Someone other than you.

6. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... (inside card) Almost life-like!

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card) What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend If we were on a sinking ship And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card) I'd miss you terribly And think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . . (inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

14. Looking back o'er the years We've been together, I can't help but wonder ... (inside card) What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

16. How could two people as beautiful as you ... (inside card) Have such an ugly baby?
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Old 06-06-03   #2
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hehe i have to send a few to a few certain people


classic!
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Old 06-07-03   #3
silverflame
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hehe, i know. i was laughing my ass off when it got emailed to me.
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Old 06-07-03   #4
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hahha i like it!
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Old 06-09-03   #5
silverflame
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Old 06-09-03   #6
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Quote:
7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time To keep your promise.
haha i love
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Old 06-09-03   #7
Kendra
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hehehe that shit was funny. i remembered that you found this stuff when you were talking to me on the phone and you were reading it out to me. this is fucking funny as hell hehehehe. good job love. good job.
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Old 06-11-03   #8
silverflame
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Signs You've Had Enough of the New Miillenium


1.You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You think of having three espressos as "frying your brain."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

5. You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your wife a Valentine's card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9. Your daughter just bought CDs of all the worst records your college roommate used to play.

10. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date, and now sells for half the price you paid.

12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

13.Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags our of the backseat of your car.

14.Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16.You refer to your dining room table as "the flat filing cabinet."

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

18. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

19. You often eat out of vending machines and consider popcorn or pizza dinner.

20. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

21. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
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Old 06-11-03   #9
silverflame
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Words Of Inspiration

1. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

2. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'GUESS' on it. I said: "Thyroid problem?"

5. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

7. Sign In Oriental Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

9. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

10. I have learned there is little difference in husbands/wives, you might as well keep the first.

11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

12. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys

14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect

16. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

17. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

18. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

19. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS Eighteen

20. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

21. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

22. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

23. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

25. I mixed Rogaine with Viagra. Now I've got hair like Don King.

26. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved

27. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

28. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been
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Old 06-11-03   #10
silverflame
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THE WRITER


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

The young man grew up and has achieved his ultimate goal. He's now working for Microsoft writing error messages
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Old 06-11-03   #11
silverflame
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NEW EVENING CLASSES AT THE YMCA - Starting this month! Take advantage of these personal growth and continuing education credit opportunities!

CLASSES FOR MEN


Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink? Examples on video.

5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.


CLASSES FOR WOMEN


Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You've Worn Before
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Old 06-12-03   #12
Phage
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If you lump them all like that reading seems like a chore...
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Old 06-12-03   #13
Feroluce
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LOL,

Nah, filled in a few idle minutes for me, lumping them together means less scrolling
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Old 06-12-03   #14
silverflame
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hope you enjoyed
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Old 06-20-03   #15
silverflame
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Moon Unit





When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously, but he refused to translate it.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too, laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these men. They have come to steal your land!"
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Old 06-20-03   #16
Feroluce
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LOL Excellent
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Old 06-20-03   #17
silverflame
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i have one more for now.
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Old 06-20-03   #18
silverflame
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Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:



"Wordperfect Customer Support, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. "Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Old 06-23-03   #19
SWITCHBLADE666
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That last one was a little funny i have to admit. what a fucking idiot!

i have no doubts that theres actually people out there and in great numbers too. scary...
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Old 06-24-03   #20
silverflame
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hehe, i know what you mean
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