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Old 03-08-03   #1
druidess
Martyred For A Mortal Sin
 
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secrets

I have begun to question the benefits vs. benefits of a relationship. Since my boyfriend has a tendency to read my diary and emails(no matter how many times I change the password) I guess I will chart my thoughts here. Right now I am questioning my entire relationship. There is alot of background to us considering we have been together for close to 3 years and unfortunately, it all seems to add to the confusion.

Michael and I were engaged from our 4th mth ogether. By our 2 yr anniversary, we were living apart but still together. While we were apart I decided to join the reserves. I went for my test, but I got scared. I called him to come get me and we met at the spot where he proposed to me. I told him I changed my mind and that I wanted to move back in, and he broke the news. He said he couldn't imagine himself with me in 50 yrs anymore, and didn't love me anymore. He said he got used to not having me around and I only brought him down. I didn't want to believe what i was hearing and refused to . He told me he cheated on me because he no longer cared. By the time all was said, I couldn't even walk I was shaking so uncontrollably. He convinced me to come back to our apartment and said maybe in the mornig he would feel differently. We had breakup sex and it was completely emotionless from his end. In the mornig he was gone, and only left pictures of this other girl on his computer for me to see. Enough said.
So I spent the summer at home two hours away from him. I just turned 21 and this was the first time in my life I wasn't in a serious relationship. I discovered my independance, who I am without a significant other. At the same time I ended up getting with this guy I met at the bar. We were pretty much just a really long one night stand. He convinced me to run off to Oregon with him , it wasn't hard. Well he fucked me up pretty bad and we were starving and homeless there .Then he got thrown in jail and I was stuck thousands of mniles from home, starving and homeless by myself. Like a knight in shining armor, Michael started emailing me aying he loved me and couldn't live without me and just wanted me home. He offered to pay for my plane ticket. After much deliberation I came home. I felt awful about leaving Jason in jail, but I was scared and desperate. And the truth was, I still loved Michael very much, had he asked me back earlier, I nevcer would of wound up in Oregon. So I stayed at home while he was finding us an apartment. It was weird being with him the night I got back, it was like okay we are together again, lets pick up where we left off. But I didn't feel my relationship with Jason actually ended. I had two weeks to kill while Mike was looking for place, and this is when I decided to play. I acted like I was single again, partying and messing around with guys at the bar. Jason called the bar one night. He said he was out of jail and that he loved me and was coming back. This is when I told him about Mike. He didn't seemed surprised, said he was upset by my descision but he understood. I moved in with Michael in October and we tried to get our old life back. Ever since we have been proven that it is futile. My m0ther had called in November and told me Jason was in WI, but in the hospital. I freaked. I didn't know why he came back, his family is in oregon, and I was worried about him. I went to see him and because of that Mike and I took a hiatus, I had been missing Jason the entire first month we were back together. I saw him and definetely decided he wasn't for me, that our separation only made me long him. I have this terrible affliction of wanting what I cannot have. Now that I saw him in the flesh, he wasn't as idealistic as I made him out to be. I came home to Michael with open arms. By the end of november I had been emailing with Jason everyday and Mike knew. Which is why he still checks my email. I went home to visit and ended up cheating with Jason. We didn't have sex but he drank my blood, which is still cheating in my eyes. I knew I would be with him when I made plans to go up there but for some reason I didn't care. I had always been faithful until Michael and i got back together in Sep. Michael found out and forgave me. The whole Jason incident is only reserved for major fights now.
I guess I am just really unhappy with my life. I don't have a job or a car and I feel like Michael wants to keep it that way, even though he gets mad at me for not working.
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Old 03-08-03   #2
druidess
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He has always been a control freak, paying the bills, being my only transportation, choosing which parties I could go to if any. We met at work, he was my boss if that is any indication. Now he has reason to be controlling. And it never bothered me before when I didn't know how to be myself without a guy. I often think of leaving him, but I have done that a few times. This would be the last time and I don't know if I should. He has gotten abusive lately, he is really depressed and has alot of resentment, that I am responsible for I am sure. He gets pissed at me for the smallest things, like kissing him and holding him when he wants to be left alone and he reacts violently. It's not enough to make me leave, sadly violent men are the only I have ever known. I expect it, it is as normal to me as "hey honey, how was your day?" But I am beginning to wonder if this relationship is altogether healthy, we seemed to be miserable together. I just can't imagine life without him, not again. I mean I can see myself starting over, but not finding someone as special as him who treats me as good as he does. He wants to take care of me for the rest of my life, but at the same time I think of how much I believed that before he left me for himself. I don't know how to get my life together, don't know where to start. It is funny that I started out with nothing in our relationship, gained a car and job and place to live with his help, and now once again I am left with nothing, except a roof over my head. I feel like someone's trying to tell me that I don't need him because he will always hold the reigns and I will only gain what he decides I will. I have put off college for him so he could go to school. Now he's got a good job but I still haven't went to the school and he isn't willing to help me out there. He says I give up on everything and it would be a waste of his money and my time. Aggh! And the worst part is, I know he will be home soon and by thinking of all this I can't even fake a smile when he comes through the door.
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