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Old 02-27-03   #1
midnightsorrow
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Adding humor to this section

"WARNING: The following jokes shamelessly poke fun at religious stereotypes, make light of serious theological matters, and otherwise noodle our more delicate spiritual sensibilities. Oh--and they might also make you laugh! We did our best to be an equal opportunity offender, but if we've left anyone out please let us know."---Beliefnet.com


I found this list at a site which Necrop listed a long time ago (belief o-matic) so as I know sometimes the religious sections as a whole get tense I thought I would post some of the many irreverant religious thoughts and jokes I have complied by many members of various religions.
I thought the humor was not the place to put this as what I am posting was created for a multifacited religion site, to shed some humor and light on exactly how silly people are and how far they take things.

(remember read these things with idea of laughing, don't take anything seriously and above all smile)
So without further adue---


You might be a redneck Pagan...IF
{complied by a southern coven just for shits and giggles}

•If you think "widdershins" refers to the calves of the bereaved lady next door....
•If you think fetch deer is a command you give yer dawg....
•If you think a goblet is a young turkey....
•If you think Drawing Down the Moon means demolishing the outhouse....
•If you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis"....
•If you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13....
•If your Quarter candles smell like kerosene....
•If you pronounce "Athame" as "Athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"....
•If you think a "Sidhe" is a girl....
•If your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team....
•If your Bard plays the banjo....
•If your 'Long Lost Friend really IS....
•If your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two or more, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars....
•If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod....
•If your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head....
•If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....
•If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....
•If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....
•If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....
•If your ritual staff is a double barrel shotgun....
•If your ritual garments include any one of the following: plaid flannels, long johns, a pistol belt, or cowboy boots....
•If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff....
•If your ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21....
•If the instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road"....
•If your altar-cloth is a rebel flag....
•If you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle....
•If your Eternal Flame just happens to be under a still....
•If you use an engine block for an altar....
•If your High Priestess is your cousin - as well as your wife....
•If, when drawing down the moon, you say, "Ya'll come on down, ya hear?"....
•If your pickup truck has an Athame rack....
•If your crystal ball is made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)....
•If your High Priestess has a spittoon on her altar....
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?

Last edited by midnightsorrow; 02-27-03 at 22:20.
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Old 02-27-03   #2
midnightsorrow
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Unitarian Humor

Q: What's something you never have to worry about?
A: An airliner being hijacked by radical Unitarians.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Unitarians welcome anyone who is smart enough to find them.

Unitarians sing so poorly because they are always reading ahead to see what they might not agree with.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Unitarian prayer:

Dear God (if there is a God), please save my soul (if I have a soul).
----------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know why there are no Unitarians in Heaven?

Because they heard there was a choice between going to
Heaven or going to a discussion group about the existence of Heaven
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a Baptist with a Unitarian?
A grass roots coffee service (with donuts for dunking of course).
------------------------------------------------------------
"How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?"

The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement.
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are valid paths to luminescence.


Might I add that all of the previous were written by Unitarians, posted on a open religious website. I have also been to Unitarian services and agree with a few of them. Nice to know they have such a great sense of humor.
I asked one person why they posted a joke and said they believe one of the strong points of faith is to laugh at yourself. I agree completely.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 02-27-03   #3
midnightsorrow
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Light Bulbs jokes

Last post I am doing in here for a bit----
Light Bulb jokes that encompass everyone and anyone.

Q: HOW MANY METHODISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three.
One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

Q: HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

Q: HOW MANY JEWISH MOTHERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
"It's all right; I'll sit in the dark!"

Q: HOW MANY LUTHERANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Q: HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten.
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: HOW MANY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: One hundred and nine.
Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.

Q: HOW MANY EXISTENTIALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Two.
One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: HOW MANY ROMAN CATHOLICS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Nun.

Q: HOW MANY QUAKERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Who needs a lightbulb when you have an inner light?

Q: HOW MANY PAGANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Six.
One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before Christians came along.

Q: HOW MANY JEWISH RENEWAL RABBIS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Depends.
One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: HOW MANY PRESBYTERIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?

Last edited by midnightsorrow; 02-27-03 at 22:29.
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Old 02-28-03   #4
Necropolis
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How Many Druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Thirteen, One to change the lightbulb, 12 to get so drunk the room spins.

I liked the 666 Humor best.
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May Chaos Be Visited Upon You.
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Old 03-01-03   #5
midnightsorrow
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At least someone posted!

I am partial to the red neck pagans, but I have a bunch of techno pagans, lesser banishing spells and such in my files. I almost choked over a invocation of the pizza delivery lad and the lesser banishing spell of the other in law.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 03-26-03   #6
crying childe
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how many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
depends on how many you can fit in there............
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Old 03-27-03   #7
midnightsorrow
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*chokes on green tea*

Ouchies! that was wrong...so wrong but sooo funny
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 03-27-03   #8
silverflame
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Quote:
Originally posted by crying childe
how many goths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
depends on how many you can fit in there............
lmao, you're so evil, i love it!
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Old 06-29-03   #9
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HOW TO BECOME A WITCH IN NINE EASY LESSONS

In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age.This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set,one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course,you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to bethought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being acceptedas a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms anddressing accordingly. This brings us to...

Rule #1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of beinga Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wearblack at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until youbecome really pale, as this makes the effect even better. Forwomen (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polishcan enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occultparaphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudyand bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image.Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessaryaccessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optionalaround town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you wantto make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at anyritual or gathering that you may attend.

Rule #2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of TheCraft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, notmacramé) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalizedWitchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true historyof The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, butonly those picky few who like books to be based on facts). RealWitches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way oftheir spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches,quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and youwill always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.

Rule #3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyoneabout the past life memories that have been surfacing since youbegan studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful toremember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during theInquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist.My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".

Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that youwanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse forstrange behavior. Previously labeled eccentric behavior patternscan now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explainit, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked issimply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently."So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can getaway with it now.

Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie"Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings afterover-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule #6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this theother reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts ofthe occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerfulpersonas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they mayautomatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these samequalities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately intoday's world, another group of people have become even moreestablished within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimitedpower - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group ofpower-brokers... they don't want any competition to theirmanipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the lawsagainst Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchangedfor centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't leadyou to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but youthen find yourself as the target of political and legalharassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstickand pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. Ifyou can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work...join them!

Rule #7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect yourWitchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's importantthat visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from aspluttering censor in the corner of your dim, dank and dustyhome, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collectingstrange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use yourimagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes,or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, youcan explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors andfurniture helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energythat results from your magical spells, thereby protecting yourhome and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronizing to Christians. In social discussionsdon't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks aboutfundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.

Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respectingWitch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft,their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which theyalways carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now getsomething right once in a while). They will also tell you thatthey can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bumpinto things as often as they used to). Follow this example andbrag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities sinceyour initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simplystate that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quicklychange the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability todetect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not aqueue for the after-ritual orgy!Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so placethat broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not cloudedby too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; giveeveryone that you meet a sinister look - and your social statuswill improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, youmay even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that youcan start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!
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Old 07-01-03   #10
midnightsorrow
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*picks self off of floor still laughing*

Ooooo the "warlocks" movie comment was one of the best! And to think all this time I could've just taken a bottle of cheap perfume and relabled it dragon gonads instead of trying to buy the real thing on ebay or witchauction.com!
Hind sight is always 20/20 unless you can see engery fields and ley lines. Shit I must not be a real witch as I still always stub my toes, no matter if anything is in my way or not.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 07-01-03   #11
midnightsorrow
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Keeping Summoned Beings as Pets is a Bad Idea

Keeping Summoned Beings
as Pets is a Bad Idea

by Faerie K.

They may be cute and cuddly when they're little, but they tend to grow. Fast. To something large.

You can't flush your overgrown summoned pet down the toilet and no pound will take one. (Trust me on this one. )

Unless you spay or neuter them, they will breed, quickly.

Good luck trying to find a vet that will spay or neuter one...

The feeding costs are astronomical. New Age shops are very expensive. Oh, sorry, I meant "astrological".

An exotic summoned pet is very difficult to feed. Museums start suspecting your interests in ancient cultures rather quickly.

Getting them used to gourmet food is a bad idea: there aren't that many virgins around, you see!

Cats sitting on the chest of a sleeping child sucking their life-force out may be a myth. With summoned pets, it isn't.

No insurance will cover it if your summoned pet bites your guests.

They may even eat your guests while you pop into the kitchen for tea.

When they nibble your toes on Sunday morning, it does NOT feel nice. Besides, you need those toes for proper balance.

Clipping their toenails to save your sofa from being torn into shreds is pretty damn hard.

You think a pet stealing your stuff is bad? Summoned pets steal your stuff and hide it to the astral plane!

Summoned pet dung is difficult to get rid of. They won't accept it at the toxic waste plant anymore ...

Cat's hairballs are easy to clean away. Try dealing with astral slime puke.

They don't stay in their cage unless you remember to seal it magickally properly. Every single time.

It also gets a bit tedious to keep that triangle of salt intact in the corner of the living room.

A summoned pet possessing your grandmother is NO fun, I can tell you!

A summoned pet possessing your stereo system may be painful.

Having them play with your altar tools is not cute.

Having them play with your Book of Shadows is even less cute.

Smell of sulfur wafting in the apartment tends to deter Jehovah's Witnesses and other pests, though... But it does make breathing labored in the long run.

Landlords tend to dislike the "things that go bump in the night" routine you have going on in your flat.

Landlords will detest finding out that paying residents in your block are disappearing as if by magick.

On the other hand, the police may become a tad too interested in the very same phenomena.

It's not fun to have your pet deciding to "hump" your neighbor's dog in the middle of your daily walk.

It's practically impossible to find new, caring homes for the resulting Cerberoses, too.

While it may be cute to have a pet that actually does talk back to you, it's not nice when they start throwing curses.

It may be nice to have a pet that can retrieve your e-mail along with regular post, but it's NOT fun having them actually posting replies...

Advanced summoned pets may summon pets of their own. That means BIG trouble.

Last but not least: If you're not quite careful, you may one day wake up realizing that it is in fact YOU who are the pet in this deal.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 07-01-03   #12
midnightsorrow
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The Charge of the Beeotch

Listen to the words of the Great Beeotch she who of old is known as Arwen, Inanna, Jaz, Kriselda, Lynna, Raven, Suzi, and Wolfrose, and by many other names, some best left censored:

Whenever you have need of anything once in the month, and better it be when it is not my moontime or any other time when I might be tired or already irritable, then shall you gather and adore me, who am Queen of all Bitches. There shall you gather, you who desire to learn the true Art of Bitchcraft, yet have not honed it to razor sharp precision; to these I will teach the esoterism of true bitchiness. And you shall be free from fluff; and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall cite tradition, correct misconception, bad grammar, spelling errors, and demand proper capitalization, and punctuation. For I am educated and can read above third grade level. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it and if anyone tries to stop you, smack them hard upside the head. For mine is the determination to succeed and educate the ignorant.

I am the Queen Mother Bitch, Who can give the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man or woman if you have not seriously ticked me off. On Earth, I give the Knowledge that to communicate effectively and honestly is no crime; and beyond death, I give peace from the fools who have annoyed you and freedom from those fools and reunion with other great Bitches who have gone before you. And actually, I do demand sacrifice, for behold; Putting up with these twits wears on my nerves. I am the Bitch of All Living and My Ire is poured out upon the Earth when I am grumpy.

Hear ye the Words of the Star Goddess: She under Whose Feet all stupid people are Dust, Whose Body encircleth the Universe especially when She is bloated.

I, Who am the Bitch Queen of the Earth and the Black Mood amongst the Stars, and the Mystery of why idiots are not drowned in my Waters, and the Desire of the heart of man to avoid Me when I get like this. I call unto thy soul, all ye who would be Bitches: "Arise! And come unto Me!"

For I am the Soul of the Bitch, Who giveth Crap back to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return and if they don't get here fast enough, I may hurt something. And before My Face, which is bitchy and known to all gods and men, thine innermost Bitch Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.

Let My Worship be within the heart that tolerates no shit, for behold: all acts of bitchiness and honesty are my rituals. And therefore let there be bitching and strength, honesty and compassion, honor and humor, mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if thou are stupid who seekest Me, then thou shalt never find Me.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of PMS.
__________________

". . . This is only the cold nose of the fuck-happy fox creature.
-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 07-09-03   #13
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lmao
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Old 07-09-03   #14
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Q: If a Witch practices on the beach, is she a Sandwich?

Q: What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? A: The Blessed Bee!

Q: What do you say to an angry witch? A: Ribbit

Q: What's the difference between a New Ager and a Pagan? A: A decimal point. An item you'll pay $300 to a New Ager for, you can get from a local Pagan for $30.

Q: How do you tell a New Age witch from a NeoPagan Witch? A: You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the New Age Witch will sink under the weight of all their overpriced crystals....

Q: What happens when a Ceremonial Magician gets angry? A: He goes Qua-ballistic.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde Jokes
Q: Why did the blond pagan have a lasso? A: She wanted to draw down the moon.

Q: Why did the blond pagan have a remote control? A: She wanted to channel.

Q: How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle? A: There's tipex on the floor.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Circle Etiquette (varied sources) Never summon Anything you can't banish.
Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, *ever* set the Witch on fire.

Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons really love those those.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

Carry an all-purpose translator's dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbor's name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

Blood IS thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

If the ritual leader should ask for a volunteer, resist the urge to raise your hand! While it is true that volunteering will most likely gain you stature and prestige amongst the group, thereby allowing you to advance quickly through the ranks, it is equally likely to get you strapped to a table and eaten alive by a drooling demonic horde.

Pagan, Witch and Witchcraft Lightbulb Jokes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pagan...

Q: How many Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!

Q: How many Dianics does it take to change a light bulb? A: (any large number here) -- One to change the light bulb, one to prepare the environmental impact statement, and the rest to do a self-criticism afterwards...

Q:How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.

Q: How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: Not sure.....we'll call Z. Budapest and get back to you!

Q:How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in Stone Circles.

Q: How many Druids does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen! One to hold the bulb and 12 to drink enough to make the room spin.

Q: How many years does it take a Druid to change a light bulb? A: 21, unless you're Irish.

Q: How many Isians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to handle publicity, and one to write the newsletter.

Q: How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

Q: How many Brit.Trad WItches does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

Q: How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's a third degree secret.

Q: How many years does it take a Gardnerian witch to change a light bulb? A: A year and A day in an Outer Grove, a year and a day at first level, a year and a day at second level, but only third levels change light bulbs.

Q: How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

Q: How many years does it take an Alexandrian Witch to change a light bulb? A: That's the Maiden's Job. Maiden - Make it so.

Q: How many Starhawk Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."

Q: How many years does it take a Starhawk Witch to change a light bulb? A: Well, it depends how hard you study, but you can do it now if you are solitary.

Q: How many solitary Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

Q: How many years does it take for a solitary Witch to change a light bulb? A: How long does it take to get one out of the closet?

Q: How many years does it take a Kitchen Witch to change a light bulb? A: Its already been changed.

Q: How many years does it take a White Light Wiccan to change a light bulb? A: Look deep within and find your true essence. That will tell you how long it will take.

Q: How many Frost "School of Wicca" Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only $195 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYWHERE! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

Q: How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "How many of them are there?"

Q: How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Four. One for each quarter.

Q: How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a leigh? A: Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.

Q: How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb? A: I can't tell you--they never change a light bulb the same way twice!

Q: How many Proteans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: How many will fit?

Q: How many Buckland Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before those damned Christians came along.

Q: How many Thelemites does it take.... A: None, Every One of them is a Star.

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb? A: What do you want it changed into?

Q: How many Witches does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they do it in great rites.

Q: How many Golden Dawners does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to hold the ladder, one to hold the bulb, three to decipher the Light Bulb Ritual from the Secret Chiefs, one to publish it, and one to sue all the others.

Q: How many NRDers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 14. One to do it, one to write poetry about it, and 12 to hold a Council and decide whether or not the poem's authentic.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magickal... Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw on the altar!

Q: How many Sex magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but they have to be very small!

Q: How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2 as long as the lamp is by the bed...

Q: How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many Kabbalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 261.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astrology Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs. Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb? A: What, me move? Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2 Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother. Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb? A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud. Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work. Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed. Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They LIKE the dark. Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces. Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb? A: The light's fine as it is. Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed? Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb? A: What light bulb? Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General... Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. One to change it and four to share the experience!
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.
Q: How many years does it take for a New-ager to change a light bulb? A: Well, it takes many many years, unless you pay $650 US non refundable, Visa or MC accepted. Then you can do it after the weekend intensive training seminar.
Q: How many Boulderites (as in Boulder, CO, mecca of new agers) does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just join self-help groups to learn to live with darkness in their lives.
Q: How many Odinists does it take to change a light bulb? A: 21, one to hold the light bulb, 20 to drink till the world spins.
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Old 07-09-03   #15
silverflame
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that one was way too long to read...i read the first couple sections then kind of gave up, lol
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Old 07-09-03   #16
Necropolis
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Tips for Evil Cult Members
01. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
02. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable
substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-tospecs
work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
03. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the
privacy of your own room before chanting it in public.
04. Flash cards are often helpful.
05. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the
other women who have undergone the procedure.
06. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
07. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant
retirement procedure.
08. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from
tourists policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during
thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.
09. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough.
10. Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of
Darkness.
11. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a
con artist, and not a genuine medium.
12. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service
revolver, garlic, and cab fare.
13. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
14. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged Demons always go
for the pompous.
15. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your eyes. Thousands of cult members
could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.
16. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
17. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."
18. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When The ritual goes awry, it
is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of
silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B
complex, and a good hot bath.
19. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is
true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made In exchange for the soul. However, it is
also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the
drop of a hat.
20. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons
can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen Chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.
21. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to
be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other people
who won't be missed.
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Old 07-09-03   #17
Necropolis
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What Would Your Deity Do?
WWAD? Artemis Turn him into a stag to be ripped to shreds by his own barking
hounds.
WWAD? Athena Stare him down, then beat the crap out of him — in a most logical
manner.
WWAD? Apollo Test their musical skills — in a fair contest.
WWAD? Aphrodite Don't you mean "who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? Astarte Make love AND war.
WWBD? Bacchus Get them drunk, then turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? Britannia Rule!
WWBD? Buddha Does it matter? If you're enlightened, it doesn't. If you're not
enlightened, it still doesn't.
WWCD? Ceres Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? Cerridwen Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? Chaos No one is quite sure, but it will be messy and . . . interesting.
WWCD? Cthulhu Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWCD? Cthulhu Devour them ALL . . .
WWDD? Demeter Lay waste to your lands if you don't have her daughter back by
10PM — and don't even THINK about laying a hand on her!
WWDD? Discordia Throw some fruit, start a war, and sew the seeds of chaos — all while
munching on a hotdog bun and setting up shop in your pituitary.
WWED? Erishkigal Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWFD? Flora Say it with flowers.
WWFD? Fortuna Play the lottery, I’ll bet.
WWGD? Gaia Remind them to worship the ground they walk upon.
WWGD? Ganesha Saddle up his rat.
WWHD? Hades Tell them to go to hell.
WWHD? Hecate Show them the right path — or is it the left?
WWHD? Hera She'd get jealous.
WWHD? Hercules He'd labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? Herne Lead them on a wild hunt!
WWJD? Janus Look the other way.
WWJD? Jupiter Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? Kali Tear out their beating hearts, drink their blood and dance on their
twitching corpses — then wear parts of them as jewelry.
WWKYD? Kwan-Yin Have mercy.
WWLD? Loki Turn left at the next corner, buy 5 chickens, "borrow" some jewelry,
change into a seal and steal some apples, for starters.
WWLD? Luna Moon them, of course.
WWMD? Mithras Cut the bull.
WWMD? Mars Suit up for battle.
WWMD? Mercury Change his mind . . . again.
WWND? Narcissus Huh? Is someone else here?
WWPD? Priapus Rise to the occasion.
WWSD? Sekhmet Drown her sorrows in blood.
WWSD? Set You don't wanna know, but it won't be nice.
WWSD? Shiva Dance the night away.
WWTD? Thor Hammer out a solution.
WWVD? Vesta Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? Vulcan Live long and prosper.
WWYD? Yahweh Send his son to do the dirty work, while he sits on his cloud
thundering the aeons away.
WWZD? Zeus By Jove, he'd flirt with the girls!
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Old 07-10-03   #18
midnightsorrow
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Oh ow I can't stop laughing. Oh Goddess Oooooowww fuck I can't breathe...!!
Shit fuck I read the whole damn things not I can't stop laughing...arrrgggghhhh *cough wheeze*....fuck no fair death by laughter is not dignified....*cough pant*...you shit head I'll get you back as soon as I can breathe and quit crying I am laughing so hard....fucking crap most of those, if not all are true.

have to leave thread.....must quit laughing.....*cough*
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-Tip of the iceberg."--Denalay

Somedays it isn't worth chewing through the leather straps.
Hello,
I see the assassins have failed.

"Hey Courtney, aren't you a Buddahist? The goal is to obtain Nirvana, not break them up."---Madonna to Courtney Love on SNL
No magic is ever truly destructive. For what is destruction, except creation with an agenda?
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Old 07-10-03   #19
Necropolis
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You Might be Pagan If...
1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire. . .
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying. . .
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" . . .
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it. . .
5. You have an entire spice cabinet. . . and you don't cook. . .
6. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. . .
7. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said
bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you. . .
8. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon. . .
9. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them. . .
10. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice. . . altar. . . you have there. . ."
11. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by. . .
12. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought
one. . .
13. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them. . .
14. You commit blasphemy in the plural. . .
15. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN. . ."
16. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way. . .
17. Gaia is NOT the lady on "Captain Planet". . .
18. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such. . .
19. In Religion 101, you're disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods. . .
20. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentagram. . .
21. You can explain the difference. . .
22. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar. . .
23. You talk to trees. They talk back. . .
24. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them. . .
25. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like
large amounts of fun. . .
26. You've seen "The Craft". You know where they were making stuff up. You have explained
this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft". You know the rest
was a load of crap. . .
27. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole. . .
28. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be. . ."
29. You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name. . .
30. You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats. . .
31. The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts
of the extra candles, incense or other miscellaneous ritual items. . .
32. Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and
you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!" . . .
33. Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you. . ."
34. You're reading this list. . .
35. You understand what it's talking about. . .
Well then you might just be Pagan!
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Old 07-10-03   #20
Necropolis
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God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, (S)He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address even if you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Bible __ Divine Sexual Encounter
__ Torah __ Other: _____________________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check
all that apply.
__ Tarot Readings __ Lottery
__ Horoscope __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books __ Sex
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol and/or drugs
__ Mantras __ Other: _____________________
__ Insurance policies __ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a
scale of 1 - 5 Her/His handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's
services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):






Please return this questionnaire, once completed, to the nearest church/temple/house of
worship of any denomination. We'll take it from there.
Thank you!
The Management
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