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Old 10-13-02   #1
Dark_remnents
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Dark's Twisted shades of Heart

Ok, finally decided to get off my ass and put ym thoughts to keyboard. Being my first entry i suppose background information is needed. My name is Grant Johnson, i am 18 and am a full time student at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee. I am majoring in Journalism, with a hopeful minor in music Composition and theory. I have a girlfreind named Diana Burke whom i love very much, She, like myself, is fairly into body-modification, including a pair of sparrow tattoo's on her chest, and i will often refer to her As sparrow herself.
Well, that's enough about me, anything else will be conveyed one way or another through my Forthcoming Ramblings.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
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Old 10-13-02   #2
Dark_remnents
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Life is as good as it can be right now, ust kickin around on a lazt sunday. I went to the Aquatic store earlier today with Sparrow to replace her dearly departed Beta fish Gilda, with anoth Beta fish That has been named Gemeni (not that it matters, because i always refer to all of her fish as Hairy Balzonya regardless). Now i am sitting here bored as hell waiting for my Freind Dan to arrive, if he ever does at all. But i am getting tired of Waiting, so i think i am going to go downstairs and Hang Out with Sparrow for awhile.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
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Old 10-14-02   #3
Dark_remnents
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Well, I'm pretty baked and VERY bored.
I just finished watching cartoons and smoking a bowl. Other than that nothing much happened today. Wait, i take that back, Sparrow Introduced me to the wonders of "morning sex" this morn right when we woke up. As it turns out i was in a remarkably good mood all day long, who'da thought?
Well i am going to sit and make stupid remarks at the TV With my roomate.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-14-02   #4
Dark_remnents
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I Loathe mondays, and the fact that i accidentely over-slept and missed all my classes does nothing to aleviate this already blah mood. But through into the mix A freind that keeps sending your girlfreinds love notes, and a girldfreind that insists on posting them in her livejournal and you have quite a bitter mood developing. AND I'M FUCKING SICK!!! yeah, today is not going to be a good day
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-14-02   #5
Dark_remnents
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One Quick Typo in the last post that could potentialy really give the wrong idea, it Meant to Say GIRLFREIND, not GIRLFREINDS. Anyway, i'm out
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-02   #6
Dark_remnents
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As predicted Today was fairly blah. I got to spend a pretty good chunk of time with Sparrow, which always puts me in a good mood, but i still sometimes feel like i am inadequite for her needs. Kinda ala Chasing Amy if you will, for anyone that has seen that movie. The dialogue that silent Bob does kinda sums it up, I just feel like she has Experienced so much more than i have, i don't know if i can compete, or even keep up with her life before she came to school here, which she seems to value more than life here. But any rate, i Love her and she loves me back, any other details can be worked out.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-02   #7
Dark_remnents
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Sick sick sick, EVERYONE is fucking sick. I have a pretty wicked soar throat, and sparrow has some tummy thing or other going on, which sucks becuase she is gonna be gone for thursday and friday and i'd like to spend some time with her before she leaves for bobby's place. Ah well fuck it, life is kinda funny that way. Isn't it ironic? Doncha think...
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-02   #8
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I love you more then anything in the world, You've made me more happy in the 3 weeks we've been together than anyone has ever before. I couldn't imagine life without you. I love you.-D
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Old 10-15-02   #9
TheHole
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m00t!

quick advert 'for I start my post. Come see Dracula, playing at appleton west high school on the 31st of october, 1st of november and 2nd of november. All shows start around 7:30ish
Nice to see you have an online journal thingy-ma-jiggy. I may start one of my own, since the one I have right now people can't reply to. Woohoo, I'll post as often as I remember to grant-in-the-pants! And sparrah, keep granty-poo in line for me.
__________________
I cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
I lie behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes I fills.
I come first and follow after,
End life, and kill laughter.

HRA for life
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Old 10-16-02   #10
Dark_remnents
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I can't fucking win. I'd do anything to make Diana happy, and yet at every turn i manage to fuck things up. Granted she does things that upset me on occasion, but i hold my toungue for fear of upsetting her and having a repeat of our last confrontaion. While i am forced to carry the burdons of my issues alone, as soon as i attempt to do something to make things right i manage to fuck them up worse, and beleice you me i hear about it. I can never be right, no matter whats goes wrong it must stem from me. God only puts rugs under those like me to pull it out from under me.


"Wish i was to dead to cry
my self-affliction fades
stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which i cater;
You don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once i hold on
I won't let go 'till it bleeds

Wish i was to dead to care
If indeed i cared at all
never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish i had a reason
My flaws are open season
for this i gave up trying
one good turn deserves my dying

Wish i'd died, instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
shell forgotten
with it's memories
diaries left
With Cryptic Entries

you don't need to bother
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once i hold on....
I'll never live down my deceit"

-Stone sour, "bother"-
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-02   #11
Dark_remnents
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Indeed life is a fickle Game. One moment You can be on top of the world, the next in the Mire. But the inverse of this is true as well, You can just as easily elevate yourself to an even higher pedastle. And so it is in life, or perhaps just mine, that day to day is a virtual Seismograph of activity, every day Being both The best and worse day of my life. I had an very in-depth conversation With Diana last night, during the course of which she said something along the lines of "If i was living your life, i would have killed myself long ago". And as i have actually tried i could do nothing in good faith but agree. But it is the fluctuation day-to-day that makes life worth living, the knowledge that no matter how bad shit gets, there is always a rise somewhere down the line to look forward to, as well as the inevitable dip. Even the most mundane of lives is an adventure, what will life throw at me today? how will i deal with it? As unhappy as i am quite often, i could never bring myself to ending it permenintly, who knows that the highest point in my life can't be looming right past this relativly small dip?
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-02   #12
TheHole
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well, along the dusty road of life each of us defines ourselves by what we do in life, it doesn't come to mind to me who exactly said this but the quote is, "It is only through our troubles that we define ourselves" I think that if you live a life filled with people who will do naught but take care of you you cannot truly define who you yourself are

I hope that you may be able to use this advice somewhow or let it shine some light on something you may have not realized before, or not appreciated enough :\ But I'm with you in thought, and as much as I can be in person.

P.S. I found this smiley to look particularily like you with shades ('cause of the mohawk thingy) :metalhead
__________________
I cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
I lie behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes I fills.
I come first and follow after,
End life, and kill laughter.

HRA for life
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Old 10-18-02   #13
sparrah
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Gemini:
"People born under this sign are many-sided, quick in thought & action, clever with words, skillful at handling others, brimful of ideas...Unlike Leo who only is a star, Gemini wants to play all parts---the director, the producer, & the stagehand! Duality is your most famous trait. You usually want more of everything... you're nature is restless, in a quest for new ideas & fresh experiences. You often leave a trail of unfinished tasks.
Your quick mind can explain any action, defend any position, justify any course. This makes you an ideal conversationalist, for you know a little about everything, though, some have said, not a lot about anything.
Others are fascinated by your enthisiasm while inwardly you're already bored with this person/project. You're generous with your time, friendship, & possessions.
When crossed you can be sarcastic, which makes people think you're arrogant."-The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need by Woolfolk.
Hmmm....
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Old 10-18-02   #14
Dark_remnents
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wow, that about hit the nail on the head. Creepy
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-02   #15
Dark_remnents
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Very blah mood again this morning, and it's a Friday too!! *gasp* i've already decided i am not going to class today, just don't feel like moving. Sparrow should get back Tonight some time, so at least i'll have some company.

There Is No Greater Joy Than Soaring High On The Wings Of Your Dreams, Except Maybe The Joy Of Watching A Dreamer Who Has Nowhere To Land But In The Ocean Of Reality.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-02   #16
Dark_remnents
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quarter after 5 and still no Diana. *sigh* As predicted todays just keeps getting steadily worse. I talked to Diana earlier today, like 11ish, and she said she would call me to cheer me up cuz i'm in a bad mood, no call. She also said she was going to puch back the orginaly said time of 1 to 4 so she could get a tattoo(i want one damnit!) and as i said before it's quarter after 5 and i have no idea of what's going on..........
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-02   #17
Dark_remnents
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while i was napping(or at least attemtpting to) i had what you might be able to call an epiphony. Nice guys really do finish last. Why is it that kindness is often mis-construed as Weekness? Attempting to be nice is not an open invetation to be walkes over. The more i look around the more i see evidence of this, in almost every walk of life. It is from this general ideaoligy that i have decided to change my beleifs and even my self Fundamentaly. I am no longer go to go out of my way to be nice, i am no longer going to put the well-being of others ahead of my own. If i am having a shitty day, i'll say so, i am going to become selfish, Self-righteous and insensetive to others, and then maybe i can be happy with my life. Or at least Be less miserable than those i choose to be Insensitive to, and in this day and age that has basically become the mantra for well-being. Traumatize thy neighbor, as long as you make others around you feel worse than yourself, you MUST be happy.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-02   #18
TheHole
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I hope to whatever the fuck created/evolved/whatever us you aren't serious. It's not nice guys finish last, it's that people with high self-confidence finish first. People with heavy work ethic and passion and understanding of who they are make it out better than those who choose to let others put them down. You are only as sad as you choose to be and only petty emotions can keep you from being happy if you so choose...
__________________
I cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
I lie behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes I fills.
I come first and follow after,
End life, and kill laughter.

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-02   #19
Dark_remnents
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They say that a Rolling stone gathers no moss, but i think i am more of a subsriber to the the snowball effect. Ones things are set in motion, Be it good or bad, it is hard to change that course, and often times only expounds upon it. My day, while fairly icky to start with, has ended up being downright shitty. Events culminated to make my day gradually worse as it progressed. Ever tear i shed just seams to be an invitation for more to follow. Fuck, i don't even know why i am crying right now, all i know is that for some reason, all day to day i felt spectacularly un-wanted. Relationships are kinda funny that way, at least alone, i am acustomed to being so, but when i start feeling like i am important to someone it stings twice as hard when i am blown off. All day i waited and waited for diana to come home, and everytime i thought she would be here soon, she'd call and tell me why she wouldn't be back for another few hours, i am not upset that she was gone by anymeans, i just hate having my expectations dis-regarded severel times. The when she gets back all she talks of is her tatoo's when she knows how much i want one, but can't have, and how much fun everything is when i'm not around. It's like telling a starving Child how good your dinner just tasted. And of course she is so tired from staying up all night the night before baby-sitting her drunk freind that my presence is nothing more than a big fucking teddy bear for her to sleep on. I think i am going to reiterate on my previous post, in that i should stop bothering to even TRY to be nice, as what i want is disgarded more often than not anyway. Diana, if you read this i Apologize, but this is how i feal, and i told you before i don't take well to being put on the backburner to other things. Relationships are about sacrifice, and yet i am the only one so far that seems to be making them.
__________________
I hurt myself today,
to see if i still feel,
I focus on the pain,
the only thing thats real,

The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting,
try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything,

HRA for life
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-19-02   #20
sparrah
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I won't be reading this anymore, so don't worry about apologizing to me.
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