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Old 01-06-01   #1
manifesto of osiris
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What is your personal heaven (best case scenario)? Hell(worst case scerario?

I dont want any stupid threads like listening to britney luva, or fucking a million virgins. I want serious answers. I am doing this for a sort of experiement. So dont be a dick, and if you are going to be a dick dont do it here.

Heaven: Sitting at a cafe at a resort in the philippines that I used to go to, with my friends. Discussing politics and religions.

Hell: Living the rest of my life alone, always in love, but never love returned. Dying alone in a dark alley as I am beaten and robbed. noone comeing to my funneral. noone remembering my name.
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Old 01-06-01   #2
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I think heaven for me would be lying in the arms of someone I really loved and knowing without doubting it that they loved me back. Being able to trust that someone would never leave me.
As for hell, I agree with you. Beng alone is such a fear. I don't want to live my life alone, die alone and not be remembered. I would rather be rememebered but hated than completely forgotten....normally I wouldn't have answered this question but since it's you, I thought I would.
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Old 01-06-01   #3
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I know that its a total cliche to post such a thread, and I apologize. One of my friends was recently killed in a car accindent, and it got me thinking about what would be the worst case scenario if I were to die in 50 years. And what would be the best. Just thought I would ask the same to you, see what makes us all tick.ie Love, power, money. and what makes us fear.ie Alone, death, failure.


*hell yeah silverchair rocks*
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Old 01-06-01   #4
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Cliche or not I don't think I could ever criticize you because I respect what you say...and you just got like 500 times more respect with the silverchair thing
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Old 01-06-01   #5
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first of all, MOS, i appreciate your sincerity with the question. its a good one.

my heaven would be (please don't laugh) sitting far above the earth among the clouds with my beautiful Jenne, letting the breeze run through our hair on a cool, crisp, clear sunny day and gazing at each other. PS - i love clouds and the color blue so i'd love to be surrounded by them forever.

hell would be pretty much as you describe it. being lonely. i hate unwanted lonliness and to be in love with someone and not get it back is pretty much the ultimate form of rejection. something like: never getting married, or never meeting someone i could grow with the rest of my life would be horrible.

that's my sincere opinion, MOS.
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Old 01-06-01   #6
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thanks guys, I appreciate your sincerety.

ps. area....I too love the clouds, but I prefer the clouds just before or just after a storm.
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Old 01-06-01   #7
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*sigh*
you know what's funny, MOS? You're heaven sounds like my parents past, and you're hell sounds like my future. I really hoped you liked it in Philippines, man. Those were the few moments there that i actually felt some peace, some contentment, before everything when downhill.

*shrugs*
anyways, my heaven. my heaven, indeed. to accept myself. to desire what i already have. to accept that i know nothing, and everything is nothing. to cherish neither the beginnings, nor the endings, but the good stuff in between (like a twinkie). to finally love my andrew like he deserves to be loved, and to make him happy, like he makes me.

my hell... my hell is to lose touch with so-called "reality." to not know what is what. trying to wake up from a nightmare that neverends, to realize that it's your life, or not quite? because ppl don't see it the way you do, and you're stuck in a dimension of your own making (Milton. Ah, that famous cliché quote from Paradise Lost. I won't quote it here.) loneliness, and the loss of memory of me is no big bother to me. i've accept mortality. in the end, there will only be me, alone, as i've always been. in the end, everyone will die, and no one will be remembered. but that's the thing: cherish life like a twinkie, my friends.

and silverchair does rock. i especially like their song "Untitled." it gets me thinking. i used to dance naked to "Freak". i loved that song so much... ah, those good ol' days. Ah, i've rambled long enough. I hope i've given you something worthwhile... my treasures of my normal, ordinary, teenaged mind.
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Old 01-06-01   #8
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I would never let that happen to you darkling.......
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Old 01-06-01   #9
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why does most people's vision of heaven involve another person? By attributing happiness to dependence on another person you're essentially saying that this person, for all intents and purposes, controls you, that they own you and that without them you would shrivel up and die. Yeah, in theory that's a romantic concept, and one that might get you laid, the whole "we're all angels born with one wing and we need to hold on to one another to reach heaven" sounds pretty, but in reality it's fucking pathetic. We're all flawed, weak human beings, your boy/girlfriend is not God, and although you may be happy now, realistically, after a few EONS with said person you would probably grow sick of them. I'd wager that in a few years some

Granted, i'm no one to piss on anyone's parade, and if latching one's self onto another human being is a required step on the path to completion, well, more power to you.

My vision of heaven is eternal solitude and rest.
My vision of hell is eternal scrutiny.

Call me pessimist, whatever.
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Old 01-06-01   #10
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I see my heaven as the time I was happiest in my life, that happens to include other people. I suppose that I could say something like, eternal peace, but comeon, I dont think that if there is a heaven then that is it. something is nothing wihtout its opposite.
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Old 01-06-01   #11
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quote

when i die i know that i will go to heaven because i have lived through hell
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Old 01-06-01   #12
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well that not a cliche
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Old 01-06-01   #13
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My Heaven is this: Looking through history and seeing what was and what could have been. Living through life times where I made different decisions, living through other peoples lives. The good and the bad. Eternal happiness is worthless without sorrow to counterpoint.

My Hell is this: boredom
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Old 01-06-01   #14
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I hate to say something that someone has already said, but I do agree with manifesto and society.

My Heaven would be total bliss with someone that I can completely trust, enjoy spending time together even if we're not doing anything. Just either the casual touch or conversation. The smiles that you pass during the day. Yeah, even the intimacy together. Just completely and totally loving someone and having them love you back. Enjoying every breath of someone.

Yes Hell would be complete loneliness. No one remembering who you are or what you stood for. Or ya know having people remember you for someone horrible. I want to leave a good mark on this place before I go with good memories.
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Old 01-06-01   #15
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Hell, worst case scenario: Absolutely nothing. You would cease to be, and no one would remember your name. Everything that was you would cease to exist.

Heaven: Knowing and seeing the best possible outcome of everything, being at one with the entire Universe and being able to watch it's unfolding glory. That or perfect love....


Thanks Manifesto, this was a good question.

**gives Manifesto a lick**
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Old 01-06-01   #16
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Good topic!

Heaven: waking up in my studio apartment in the arms of my love, nesled in a way too stuffy part of new york, writing for just enough money to live comfortably,looking back on my life and wispering into his ear.."I'm happy with my life. I've done everything I've ever wanted to do"

Hell: waking up one day and realizing my whole life is a sham. That the mask has twisted into my face. I am nothing more than a shell, filled with promises and things that should have been... that is hell. not knowing who you are anymore...
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Old 01-06-01   #17
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im going to post a vision of heaven. it is really long. so im sure only a few people will read it. but anyways im not sure how interesting it is but im sure some one will read it all. drugs make you think of really wierd stuff by the way.

[Edited by blueboy on 01-06-2001 at 07:11 PM]
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Old 01-06-01   #18
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heaven

i have died. and then I wake up in a room. with one of those hospital gowns that open from the back. im laying on a plastic mattress with one sheet and it's cold. im looking around disoriented trying to make sense of where i am. and then i realize im in a hospital room. a heavy guy in blue scrubs and an asian guy walk in and ask me how im doing. i look at them and don't answer. im still rather lost on what's going on. a third nurse walks in. she is in her late 40's but has a beautiful glow and a lovely smile. she trys to get me to talk but i know i've died and my mind is racing. no time to talk yet, i have to make sense of my surroundings. her voice is soft and sweet. like the voices of the other two nurses. i sense an air of peace and benevolence in the room. deep down i know im somewhere good. the nurses smile and say everything will be ok. there voices are so calming and assuring. i breath in the most pleasant breath i've ever experienced. and i smile. my whole body feels fuzzy. i'm somewhere good.

the female nurse brings me a cup and ask me to drink it. it's black and gooey.
"charcoal" she says.
i stare at the cup. i dont reach for it. i still feel lost and my mind isn't working right just yet. it registers late that she wanted me to drink the charcoal, but she has already walked away with it. she turns to the other nurses
"well we'll have to" the heavy man says. and i see them move around the room, following a routine they've obviously done before. the asian nurse straps my wrist to the hospital bed.
"just sit back and relax ok" he says with concern. he proceeds to strap my ankles.

"this is a little uncomfortable" the woman says "it'll be ok though, we just need to clean out your system. those shrooms are dangerous boy, what where you thinking taking so much" she gently holds my head and tilts it back. i'm still adjusting and trying to understand what's going on. i know it's good though. i feel so at peace inside. and the best feeling is flaming inside me. "you ready?" she asks. and i nod.

the heavy man grabs a tube and puts it in my nose. it tickles and with one sudden jolt he jams it through the hole at the roof of my mouth and down my throught.
"HOOOOOLY SHIT!!! YOU FUCKER" the pain is sharp and strong but only in the area around my mouth. it's bareable but uncomfortable. "YOU FUKING ASSHOLES FUK YOU DUUDE." im laughing while i scream at them. it's a pain but for some reason i know it's a procedure to get me ready for this next life. so i humour myself."oooh dude this hurts. you guys are ass holes. ahhhh ouuch you bitch that hurts" they are smiling. they are amused at my take on the situation.
"dont worry it'll just take a couple minutes." her voice is still soft but with an air of happiness in it. im still comforted. the asian nurse pushes a button and i see black liquid climbing up the tube and dissappear into my nose. "ahhh uggh" i have to change my breathing to compensate for the black rough liquid im being forced to swallow. my eyes water. and i adjust to the uncomfortable situation. the nurses leave and a man walks in. with a familiar face and serene and lovely eyes. "i know this boy" i tell myself. he brings a pleasant comfort to the room. my cousin. he is my cousin. i remember now. and i feel a jet of serenity shoot through me. i breathe soft and slow.

he takes a seat next to the bed and grabs my hand. he smiles and doesn't say a word. we seem to be talking with out language or sound. just emotions. a tear forms in his eye and he squeezes my hand. i feel like i am getting ready for something beautiful. it's amazing. i feel even safer now that he is here. i look around the room. it is small and rectilinear. room for a bed and walking space on both sides.

the asian nurse walks in and says "we're gonna have to take a urine sample." my cousin doesn't say a word. and he stands up and walks out of the room. the heavy guy walks in as he leaves. "Ok david we gotta get some urine all right." his voice is stern but caring at the same time. he has a wierd metal device in his hand. the asian grabs my ankles and grips them tight. he looks at the heavy man and nods. the plump nurse lifts my gown. i can't see what he is doing. and then i feel a sharp pain shoot through my groin. i scream. like a girl. i never knew i could scream like that. as fast as the pain came it is gone. and i wonder if that was my voice. i feel a tear stroll down my cheek." that was awful" i think to myself. and im glad that it is gone. i still have the charcoal pumping down my throat. the heavy man stands and looks down at me. his voice this time has lost that comfortable sound. it is condescending and stern."you thought that hurt. you just wait" and the nurses turn and walk out of the room.

my cousin steps in again. his eyes are watery and his face is solemn and sad. he takes his seat. and grabs my hand. "im sorry, david." his voice is the softest sound i have ever heard. it's beautiful. and a tear forms at the corner of my eye at the sound of it. i'm starting to doubt what i thought was going on. he sits and says nothing else. he just looks at me and caresses my face everyonce in a while. it is comforting but i am becoming scared. i look out the door to the small room. i see people. all walking around and smiling and happy. they are nurses and doctors and patients. some in beds some passing by in wheel chairs. they all stop to glance in my room and they seem amused. two female nurses walk in.
"that's him?"
"yea they're about to start here pretty soon" the other says. they giggle and walk away.
i look at my cousin." what's going on?" i inquire. he looks at me with his big almond eyes.
"im sorry" he shrugs and shakes his head. his eyey are full of tears and one breaks free and makes it's way across his face."there's nothing i can do about it. dude we are all sad, but we have to move on you know." his voice is still soft. it's the most beautiful sound i have ever heard. i know he is referring to everyone i knew in my past life. "im gonna stay here until they start. ill come by everyonce in a while to see you. but that's all i can do."
things start racing through my mind. and i look at the straps holding me down. i pull at my arms with all my strength. and the straps seem to be elastic. they stretch a few inches and stop. i can't get them to break. my cousin grabs my arm. "dont fight it david. you can't do anything about it. just accept it. your here. your not leaving." he is crying now. his voice is shaking. "dude we're sorry. listen just stay put. relax." he says with tears strolling down his face. "just relax. take advantage of it"
i understand what he wants me to take advantage of. i look around and take in everything in the small room. everything is getting to me now. the tempature, the texture of the blankets the light. this fuking tube in my fuking throat. i twist my neck trying to free it from my nose. i only succeed in making it shoot charcoal down the wrong tube. i cough. and its the worst cough ive ever felt. charcoal shoots into my mouth and i spit. uggh. the sight is awful. it is blackened green mixed with blood. some of it is on my chin. i try to move my neck to wipe it on my sheet. but i cant. all i manage to do is get the single sheet off to the side of my body. and then i realize it's cold. an uncomfortable cold. i try and put it back in place with my elbows. but it's impossible.
i look at my cousin. his eyebrows are shrugged together and i still see the sorrow in his eyes. i wonder what mine look like. what do i look like? there are no mirrors in the room. nothing shiny to see. im still cold. and i want to ask arthur to cover me with the sheet. but i seem to have forgotten how to talk. all these small annoyances are poking at me.

its fuking cold, give me the blanket. dude give me the blanket. im freezing.

i dont say it though.i cant fukin say it. "dude why cant i say it?" arthur looks at me. "i dont know" he says. and another tear rolls down his face. i try again. but i just seem to shout it in my mind...
give me the blanket dude, the fuking blanket right there. GIVE IT TO ME!!

im breathing hard now. what the fuck do i look like. i cant fucking remember. i want a mirror. and i want the fuking sheet on me, it cold as fuk in here. im angry and scared and frustrated all at once. my breathing increases and i wimper. "FUCK!!"
i scream out loud. "FUUUCK!". is this some sick joke?

the heavy nurse walks in.
"calm down, calm down. dont waste the time you have. relax." he looks at the sheet. and grabs it and places it at the bottom of the hospital bed. "geez its kinda nippy in here."
and a strange thought spawns in my mind.

the female nurse walks in with a compact. she is applying blush. i want that mirror. i just need to look into it once. i cant seem to ask for it. i want the fuking mirror though. i want to see what i look like. i can't remember and im still fuking cold. my cousin is still sitting next to me with the same distraught face. all i can think about are that compact and the blanket. but i know im not going to get them. both nurses walk out.
"sleep david, sleep" my cousins voice is as soft as ever. i look at him. im crying. i already know what is going to happen. "ok i gotta sleep" i tell my self. and i lay down and clothes my eyes. and they open two seconds after i close them. i try again and the same thing happens. ok. fine...i keep them open. and then i realize i am tired as fuk. my body is numb and i can't remember being as tired in my life. i lay down my head and clothes my eyes. and i get a glimpse of heaven. i breathe in and its the best feeling in the world. im going to sleep...i feel it coming on
..and right before my consciousness slips...
my head shoots up. what the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK. im still fuking tired as hell. and the blanket is still at the bottom of the bed. im fuking cold. i dont know what i look like. my head is bobbing, and yearning for sleep. but everytime i close my eyes they open on there own.
and then a wierd feeling builds in my stomach. its awful. and i want to throw up. i know im going to throw up. and i cough and i feel my stomach and throat contract as my insides prepare to come out. but right before it does the feeling stops. and then it starts over again. it's awful. it seems like it happens a million times and im convulsing in my hospital bed. it finally stops. and im breathing hard. the tempature seems to have droped even more now. and i look at my cousin. he is standing. he wipes his face.
.."well i gotta go dude. i love you alright." and he smiles and hugs me.
"holy shit dude wait.. wait.. wait just alittle longer" im pleading like a pathetic fool. im crying histrarically now. " wait dude dont go. just hold on. hey c'mon dude" im desperate. and the heavy nurse walks in. my heart drops.

"all right man your gonna have to leave now. your ride is here anyways, seems like they are in a hurry." he adresses my cousin.
"k" arthur says. and he looks at me and smiles. "ill be back. i think im alowed to visit every three months. i'll tell everyone you said hi. but they don't want to come see you. im sure you understand why." he smiles and turns and walks out of the room.
the heavy nurse sits in arthurs seat. and holds my hand. it's gentle. but i know what's coming. im going crazy. and i hear voices outside. my mom, my two sisters. they are talking with arthur and my aunt and uncle.
"holy shit" i whisper with tears in my eyes. that's my family.
come in here. hey come in here. why won't they come in? i wanna see them.
and i hear a girl running up to the group.
"Hey you guys ready?"
my best friend. her name is ashley. i want to see her. i want her to run in the room and save me. holy shit. im crying a lake now. ashley come in here. i wanna see you. i want to see my sisters and feel my mothers kiss on my cheeks.
but then i hear footsteps. they are walking away. the sound gets dimmer and i know they are leaving. and from far away i hear arthur laugh and my sister yells out " you little punk" and she laughs. they must be rough playing like they always do. and i scream

"WAAAAIIIIIITTTT!!"

But nothing happens.

my mind is tired from thinking but it won't stop contemplating my situation. i look at the heavy nurse. he is smiling. "sorry man, but this is hell. we're taking you upstairs now." and i feel a pain shoot through my leg.
"aahhh fuuuck" it hurts and then it stops. the remnants of the pain begin to fade and before they are gone completey the same pain shoots through me.

"AAAAAHHH FUUUCK. DUUDE STOP IT" im crying now.

the pain begins to fade again. im cherishing the moment. i know it'll shoot right back through me when it seems like it's completely gone. and three seconds later it does. and i scream. crying histerically. where is my family? where did they go? where is ashley dude where is ashley? why did they leave?

the other two nurses walk in and grab the bed. they begin to role it out of the room. and everyone outside is staring at me. they take me to an elevator. the pain in my leg shoots through me again. i grit my teeth and clench my fist. the elevator door closes and it begins to rise. i dont want to think about where im going. the three nurses are all smiling and the lady nurse is carressing my hair." we're sorry david. but this is existence. i don't know why it's like this it just is. there is nothing we can do about it"i realize this is the last time im going to see these people. they all stare at me. they know where im going. the elevator stops.
"ohh god please, please please." im crying. and this time.. the pain that shot through my leg shoots through my whole body. and my body begins the proccess of vomiting but it doesn't quite get to the vomiting part. and it's cold and dark and im thinking about ashley and arthur and my sisters. and i dont know what i look like anymore. and the procces of toture starts. and i know why arthur is allowed to come back and visit me. they don't want me to forget what beauty is. or what heaven feels like. because pain is relevant. and i'll feel it forever.

[Edited by blueboy on 01-07-2001 at 04:19 PM]
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Old 01-06-01   #19
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that was great.. but that was heaven?
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Old 01-06-01   #20
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goddamn dude! Thats sound frighfully similar to my valium overdose. Except for cousin thing, thats almost exactly the surrounding elements at the hospital that I went to, and almost the same procedure that they had to use. With the bed straps and the charcoal and the cathatar and shit. youve obviously been in the same situation.
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Science Disproves...
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are you gonna eat your...
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basic earthling rights
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Dark Messiah
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