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Reload this Page My sad little life
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Old 08-02-02   #1
Mia~ow
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My sad little life

Thought I might as well have a go at this journal thing. Somthing interesting is bound to happen to me at some point and It might be worth writing here instead of on my frindship thread.

As I seem to spend most of my time here (hence the title) I should manage to keep it updated.

Best thing that happened recently that I should have posted here at the time was last weekend. I went to a Gothic Nightclub for the first time. I felt completely at home and amazingly underdressed (even in my little bondage dress). Everyone was completely gothed out, but it wasn't cheesy as I imagine it could be. It was just fun - yes - fun! Fun and gothic don't seem to enter into the same sentence in some peoples narrow stereotypical minds. Can't wait for the next one.

My biggest grumble at the moment would be my job I'd say. It's so meaningless... Still I have an interview on the 13th August for my old job back, which I loved and didn't want to leave but had no choice. It's at the local College so I get to do freaky stuff without getting the sack (hopefully) AND I get to abuse the internet!!

Well, that's it for now.
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Old 08-04-02   #2
Mia~ow
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Had kind of a weird day yesterday. I found stuff out about myself that I hadn't really admitted to myself or anyone else. Thing, is I know someone who feels the same and has the same disturbing thoughts as I do and sharing them made it quite erotic.

Not sure whether to worry about it or not. Think I'll just go with the flow.
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Old 08-04-02   #3
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~tries to work out if I can afford a video camara~

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Old 08-04-02   #4
Mia~ow
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Hmm - maybe it's everyone else that can't admit to themselves their feelings that are the actual fucked up ones - I dunno.
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Old 08-04-02   #5
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It's hard to stay true to yourself when people enforce their sensibilities on everyone else.

If you're not hurting anyone else (unless their consenting ) why not do as you want?
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Old 08-04-02   #6
Mia~ow
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If I did what I wanted I would be hurting a whole bunch of people. I don't wanna hurt anyone but I can't deny how I feel. I'm so confused between the 'do what makes you happy' and the 'don't do what you wouldn't want done to you'

Sometimes I think it would be easier just not to be here - then I wouldn't have to think about all this. Then I think about all the people that would question why I never turned to them for help, why I thought I couldn't talk to them.

I know there are people that love me, not in an up-my-arse kind of way, who would feel I'd let them down If I just fucked off or died or whatever. I couldn't die, or live knowing I'd caused their pain.

That sounds so conceited - but it's not meant to be.
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Old 08-05-02   #7
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I understand completely.....

..........I've considered suicide on more than one occasion - and not that long ago - but then you've got to think to yourself - the pain will be over for you but as you've said your loved ones and others that actually appreciate you would suffer a great loss.

Personally I couldn't face life without you.


...........no pressure

If you ever need to chat let me know - I'm a good listener (as you know)
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Old 08-06-02   #8
Mia~ow
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Ever felt like you knew where you were going in life? Knew exactly what you wanted?

Then 'WHAM' the rules don't apply anymore, you don't know who you are and you don't know where you're going.
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Old 08-07-02   #9
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mia~ow
Ever felt like you knew where you were going in life? Knew exactly what you wanted?

Then 'WHAM' the rules don't apply anymore, you don't know who you are and you don't know where you're going.
Yup - I'm right there - right now hun.

Thing is I think I know what I want and that's what's changed everything.

I was content with a house and a reasonably comfy existence - but I realised that I'm just 'free-wheeling' through life. I wanna make a difference - I wanna feel alive!!!

There's a few things that make me feel like that. Music and someone very special to me.
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Old 08-10-02   #10
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Feeling a bit more 'noraml' today. Been out and bought myself a long white dress - always wanted one to wear with my DM's. Got it on now so I'm feeling all kind of dreamy, like I ought to be wandering bare foot through a cornfield - or something.

I keep trying to abstain from coming and posting here everyday but I just can't do it. It's a bit worrying.
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Old 08-13-02   #11
Mia~ow
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Oo - I have my interview today. It's weird cos I'm being interviewed for a job I already did for 3 years and by people I know. You'd think that would make it better but I actually feel more nervous. They will know if I'm bullshitting. Plus - I want to know who else they're interviewing for MY job!

I ought to go and prepare really but this is taking my mind off it a bit. I will go and do stuff in a bit and report back later.
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Old 08-13-02   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mia~ow
Feeling a bit more 'noraml' today. Been out and bought myself a long white dress - always wanted one to wear with my DM's. Got it on now so I'm feeling all kind of dreamy, like I ought to be wandering bare foot through a cornfield - or something.

I keep trying to abstain from coming and posting here everyday but I just can't do it. It's a bit worrying.
Addiction can be a fine thing
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Old 08-13-02   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by Mia~ow
Oo - I have my interview today. It's weird cos I'm being interviewed for a job I already did for 3 years and by people I know. You'd think that would make it better but I actually feel more nervous. They will know if I'm bullshitting. Plus - I want to know who else they're interviewing for MY job!

I ought to go and prepare really but this is taking my mind off it a bit. I will go and do stuff in a bit and report back later.
~strips~

Has that taken your mind of it?

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Old 08-13-02   #14
Mia~ow
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Thank you Paris

Well I had my interview and I have no clue about how I did. Usually when I've been interviewed I have a hint of how well I've done - this time, nothing.

Maybe it was because I was being interviewed by people I know so they were doing their best to keep thier poker faces - I don't know.

They're gonna phone me at work tomorrow and let me know either way.

I hope I get it cos I really loved it there and my job at the moment is so meaningless.
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Old 08-13-02   #15
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You'll get it hun

~puts clothes back on~

And if not - you'll get something better

Lets face it - either way we'll have a piss up - celebrate or commiserate
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Old 08-15-02   #16
Mia~ow
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Great start to the day. I had a fight with my b/f - literally. Apparently it's my fault he works all the time so that gives him the right to be abusive at 7:30am. I don't understand allegedly. Prolly be sleeping elsewhere tonight.

Told him I was sick of this lame excuse for a relationship. I don't make him work all the time - it's his choice, but it's still my fault and therefore he's allowed to be an arshole.
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Old 08-15-02   #17
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.............aint it great?

I didn't sleep at all and got the silent treatment
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Old 08-18-02   #18
Mia~ow
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Thought I'd better update my thingy.

Feeling a lot more sane this week, still drinking too much though. I really ought to cut down cos I can be a right arsehole when when i'm drunk.

Not much happening really.
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Old 08-19-02   #19
Mia~ow
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I decided to write about a dream I had last night. It involved a bear as many of my dreams do, so I thought it might be an idea to record them here.

I was walking across a field where I used to live as a child, but I was the age I am now. I was carrying plastic bags full of grocery shopping. All of a sudden a grizzly bear came pounding up behind me on the attack. I dropped my shopping and tried to defend myself, but the more I tried, the more aggressive the bear became. I knew I had to try a different tactic, or I would die. I decided to talk to the bear in a soothing voice, the way I talk to my cats. I began to stroke it’s head, and amazingly the bear calmed down.

I was still on edge and very aware that the bear would try to kill me again if it knew my fear, so I decided I had to try to kill the bear or be killed myself. Talking to it and stroking it all the while, I coaxed it into the bungalow where I used to live. I managed to somehow trap the bear in my sisters bedroom and held the door pulled shut. I called out to my mum to go outside and shoot the bear through the window.

The door I was holding shut became transparent, I could see the bear looking at the door and I saw my mum outside the window with a crossbow aimed at it’s head. She took a shot and the bow went in one side of the bears head and out the other. It was bleeding heavily and obviously in a lot of pain. I couldn’t bare to see it dying so slowly and painfully, but I was too afraid to go into the room in case it had one last attempt at killing me.

The door I was holding shut then became solid again, I could no longer see through it. Something started pulling at the handle from the other side. It was stronger than me. In the struggle, the door opened enough for me to see a naked man with a wound to his head. It was obvious in my dream that the man had transformed from the bear. I was terrified. Then he spoke ‘come in, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you.’ I couldn’t go in, I was far too scared. He spoke again ‘please come in, I love you, I just wanted to see you one last time.’ It was horrible, he had so much pain in his eyes, but still I wouldn’t go in.

The next part was a bit blurry. I remember an uncle turning up, I knew him to be my uncle in the dream, but not in real life. He told me he would speak to the man. After he had spoken to him, he turned to me and said ‘you have no need to be afraid. He loves you and just wanted to see the curve of you legs on last time’

Strangely, this compelled me to decide to talk to the man, but before I could he had transformed back into the bear and fled.
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Old 08-22-02   #20
IdleParis
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HMmmmm.................the moral seems to be don't shoot the thing that scares you - he loves you.
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