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Old 07-09-02   #1
SEX_VAMPYRE
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When An Archaeologist Clearly Is Not

when archaeology clearly is not...

Here's a really funny mail I got today. As the the ultimate
truth of it, I do not know. It makes for a funny read whether
true or not, though.

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball
who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds
to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names,
insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really
exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual
response from the Smithsonian Institution.

Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid
skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that
it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago.

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a
Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those
of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe
to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel
that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen
which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-homonids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent
with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing
hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this
institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily
against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog
has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the
National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept
of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus
spiff-arino.

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in
his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously
submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates
daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have
discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the
excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered
take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman
automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities.
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Old 07-09-02   #2
Dark Messiah
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Hilarious.
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Old 07-09-02   #3
Mantissa
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lol
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Old 07-13-02   #4
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*thinks this belongs in humor*
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Old 07-13-02   #5
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Old 07-15-02   #6
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lol. that's just great...
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"I want to kill you," Louis said softly. He leant down and peered very close into the man's pale and red-rimmed gray eyes.
"To kill me?"said the man, raising one eyebrow. "You think you can do that?"he asked.
"I can do it," Louis said gently. "Just like this." He bent and sank his teeth into the man's thick unshaven neck. I saw the man's eyes brighten for one instant as he stared over Louis's shoulder, then the eyes became fixed, and very gradually they went dull.


As darkness falls, Night unfolds ebon wings to wrap the world in its dark embrace.


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Today I'm feelin' kinda
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