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Old 07-03-02   #1
WildAngelOfEve
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Location: Indiana
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Alright, here goes.

Might as well vent my ass off. Just a fair warning...you're going to be totally lost when I spout off all this shite...and this will probably be a horridly long post so..sorry.

First off the top of my head with things that are bothering me. I was molested in kindergarden by my babysitters son...well, I didn't tell anyone in my family untill this year, I told my mother. She flipped...because..come to find out, her brother molested her when she was young and she swore to herself that if someone ever did that to her girls she would kill them...so naturally she wanted to report it and all this shite and I told her no. What's done is done. I don't know if I carry emotional baggage around with me about it or not. I don't know if I'm scarred from it or not, but honestly I don't really care at this point....what good would it do to lock the little bastard up now when it was done so many years ago? that's problem number one. because it came as an extreme shock to find out it had been done to my mother as well, it explains a lot about why she is constantly sad and despondent. She loves my sister and I..but she just can't seem to show it, and I think it stems from not only that, but from a lot of other things in her childhood. I know my childhood fucked me over big time, namingly my sister whom I now can't even stand. She was messed up as a kid and still is as a matter of a fact.
She constantly lies about little tiny inconsiquential things that don't mean shit to anyone but she still does it and gets away with it. She lies repeatedly to everyone..but this is the same chic who had to serve weekend jail time down where she lives *while she was pregnant I might add* because some dude stole her truck and when they found the truck they found HER pot in the glovebox. My family is full of stoners....I used to be one but I kinda value my memory...ohh that's another interesting tidbit about my mother, she's a stoner as well, didn't find that out untill recently. She lied to me about it as well, I'm soo sick of the lies. My sister messed me up by lying all the time. Because when I was little I saw that she could get away with it and thought that I could too...You know how little kids idolize their older siblings...She fucked me over and I think she should pay. I'll get her ass back for that someday. I just don't know how. But anyways, Onto my dad. Ohh that's an interesting topic right there. My dad can be a serious asshole and was throughout my childhood and into my teen years as well. We are just now starting to get along and that's only half the time. I don't know why I want so badly to have my parents love me, or for me to feel like they do but I do...I just need it on some level I suppose. I need love from everyone...I'm a needy whiney person who's depressed.....aren't I the typical goth? lol, I just want to be inspired by someone....deep and passionate....because maybe it will bring out the passion in me that I once had.....it has long since died with the pain of my youth and the mistakes I made.
The only person I blame for the way I am is my sister, and I have damn good cause to do so. Everything else, is my own damned fault because I've been known to be a very screwed up individual.
Trapped inside my head all my life, felt alone in a room full of people, I have no people skills...it's not that I don't have an outstanding personality, it's just that I don't like people, I'm not a functional member of society and I never will be....does that bother me? I have no clue....okay, I'm done for now...for now..


~Wild~
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Every drop of blood you spill carries with it a tiny bit of your fear, after you've bled enough, you won't be afraid of anything.


Oh yes darling, I have bled.
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