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Old 06-09-02   #1
HeinousSoul
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Callous

Okay...after my break up with my ex (in another thread:Too emotional) I have decided..well..my emotions have decided to choose the path of being callous. I know feeling nothing isnt the happiest place to be and that it's lonely..but it's the same when I hope and feel. I really dont see any point in feeling..it's useless if you think about it, just like relationships and anything else you do in life. Like for an example...a relationship will end and then some time later another one will come along and will make you forget about the one before. It happens over and over again...and when you look at that..it's like..why deal with it all when it will be later forgotten..why even bothing when you know in some short period later it wont matter. I guess you could say that i've fallen to a different reality of the world...it's probably not the healthest or best way to veiw things but I cant help it..tired of being dillusional. Nothing in this whole world is really important...the humans are not and anything of humanities life..in the end it'll get replaced, be forgotten, loose meaning..in the end it will all just NOT MATTER. I dont even know if I am explaining this right or in the way that I see and "feel" it. But back to the more specific subject. I have begun to not feel anything, a protective mechanism to block out the pain of my childhood, past and present strife. At this point in time I have little feeling at all..I mean LITTlE...it has surprised me because I never knew that my emotions could do that, I'm so use to loving and caring about everything..I guess that is why. I dunno...I know this is the Advice forum..but I really dont know what to ask of you...just for your thoughts I guess.....thanks for reading....
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-09-02   #2
RedMeat
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Welcome to my world hun, sorry its so shitty.Well you`re in a protective phase right now and I guess you need to be right?Well you`ll be dull and lifeless for a while but hopefully soon something will break through that and you can inch your way out to a point that you will still feel things without being hurt so much and so easily.May seem like I`m talking bullshit or something but its just how I see things.

I agree with you that nothing really matters, since its how I feel too but wouldnt it be better to remember that for your fears and pain and forget it for the little joys you can gain from this life?
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Old 06-10-02   #3
HeinousSoul
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Well..it's not so bad...nice to not care about anything...but its taking an effect on my close friends (I try not to let that happen...but *shruggs*). I mean, i still have SOME feeling, enough to where it wont ruin my frienships completely. Yeah i need a break from feeling..I have felt waaay to much for my age. No, i didnt think what you said was bullshit, it makes sense..only thing is that I dont know if I'll want something or let something break it.

"I agree with you that nothing really matters, since its how I feel too but wouldnt it be better to remember that for your fears and pain and forget it for the little joys you can gain from this life?" <~ Do you try and do this? I know it would prolly be better..but right now I cant juggle feeling and not feeling at the same time..I understand where you are comming from...maybe in time I will try..thanks...
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-10-02   #4
thefinalw0rd
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I'm not sure I know what you mean about "Felt too much for your age." I suppose it all depends on the type of thing you're talking about. Do you mean felt too much of a range? Or loved too much? I checked your profile, we're close in age. I feel the latter way a hell of a lot right now, and I don't htink that the age has TOO much to do with it as long as you're sure of yourself. I don't believe in love. Yet I love. Those two facts coupled together mean that I really do have a powerful feeling for her. I feel it in spite of myself. Its all in how sure you are.

But you're coming off of a breakup. You're going to feel this way. I've felt that way before. Everyone has. But you'll get through it. Just don't get too wrapped in it, or else you'll become depressed. And that usually isn't cool.
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Old 06-10-02   #5
RedMeat
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As far as breaking it goes you might not have a choice, you can only guard yourself so much from things and there is always a few people you trust enough let in even a little.
You shouldnt really give youself over to someone completly unless you dont mind getting hurt or have known them so long/been through so much shit that you are sure you can rely on them.
I am trying to do that but its hard, I keep going over things that people might do to me however improbable they might seem.I dont really feel I have many things that make me happy.A lack of good company is mainly the problem.
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Old 06-10-02   #6
HeinousSoul
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thefinalw0rd~ What i meant was..I am only 16..and I've been through too much emotional shit..Love...hate..helplessness..any emotion, you name it. I have felt and dealt with it in full force..It's so draining and it has completely broken me down. I meant it as an amount for each emotion..I feel everything to the extreme..it sucks...I cant really explain it but it just wears you down a lot. There's no in-between with emotions. I mentioned age because half the emotions and stuff I have been through by the age of 16, no one else will experience in their life time (not saying all).

I have been in break ups before so i know what to expect..this one is just different because it threw me off..i mean way off...plus it was in addition to a lot of other things. Depression is my natural state..thats why i am trying not to feel at all..~Dont you hate when you have two seperate feelings for someone that contridicts themselves.....gr...thanks for your thoughts

RedMeat~That's understandable..I dont plan in shutting every one out...my two best friends dont deserve that cause they have been true to me for 2 years. It's just hard to try and not feel yet still feel a little at the same time. How can you truly know that someone wont harm you? there is no such thing as time to me so knowing them for a long time doesnt weigh anything with me. I guess it all goes back to trust..but i dont have too much of that left..probably none. I am sorry that you have those thoughts and feelings, I'd give you advice if i could be I am in the same cracked boat as you. Doesnt seem to be too much to make us happy..though i bet one little thing of love would do the trick so quickly. If you ever you need to talk im here..i'll try to be good company maybe not enough cause i am on the computer..but i try..lol...good company is hard to come by.....it's sad....
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-10-02   #7
RedMeat
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It`ll never be to the point that its a impossablity for a person to hurt you, just unlikely enough to gamble the pain for the gains.

Thanks for the offer, I`m here a lot of the time as ya know if you want to chat.
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Old 06-11-02   #8
neonwraith
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Callous is not an easy thing to master

I am professionally callous in the courtroom because I have to be.

I know I am destroying lives when I do what I do, but it's my job and I can come home at night and sleep soundly.

I'm nearly a decade older then you that's 2/3rds of your own life older then you. What have you felt for your age.

Trust me, you'll feel it a lot less intensely about a good numbe rof things as you get a bit older. You become jaded as you age. C'est la vie.

Neon
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If wishing damns us, you and I
Are damned to all our hearts content.
Come then we may at least enjoy
Some pleasure for our punishment..."

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Old 06-11-02   #9
thefinalw0rd
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Yeah, I wasn't too sure how you meant it. I'm 16 as well, I haven't felt such a range. I don't know...
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Old 06-11-02   #10
HeinousSoul
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RedMeat~ Yeah I wouldn't think it would be impossible..though it is a shame in my eyes. I think you can only go so far because it still gives you a chance to turn back. I am done with gambling...I think I'll fold. <~ Korny I know.

You are welcomed and I am up for a chat whenever you wish.

neonwraith~Nothing is ever truly easy to master when it comes to emotion. I understand that it is your job and I am glad that you do it well despite ruining a few lives here and there..but every ones life has been ruined at least once in their time.

The things that I have felt range from every type of abuse, feeling basically every emotion (some of my emotions have no words to describe them..at least not that I have found)...situations range from death to betrayal..suicides...etc. A lot of suffering really..I dont know if you want details..I am just writing down some general things.

I hope you are right.....


thefinalw0rd~ It's nice to know some one my age around here....Be glad that you havent felt as much...
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-11-02   #11
thefinalw0rd
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It may seem bad right now. I don't know how bad you feel, from what I gather pretty bad though, but I've felt bad like that too. Maybe not to the same extent...but...

Don't "fold." Things are going to hurt right now. but you're just acting on the emotion of the moment. This will pass, no matter how bad its been. I was on the verge of giving up when I found Jocelyn, and things are...well I won't bore you. But I almost gave up right when someone awesome made their way to me. And I could have missed it. Don't give up. Just be more cautious.
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Old 06-11-02   #12
HeinousSoul
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It wouldn't have bored me but I do comprehend what you are saying...things are ruff at this moment and I know some time my way of thought and not feeling might change..but for now and probably for a long time..I am not bothering with feelings...

About you...I guess what they say is true...the right one comes along the moment you stop looking..I am glad you have your peace...
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-11-02   #13
HeinousSoul
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um...

"ruff" <~very amusing to me seeing how I am a Black panther....heh...:::hoping nobody minds my mumbles::::

er...um....*rough*...yeah.....
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-11-02   #14
thefinalw0rd
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Yeah, I wasn't trying to brag or something, just trying to say that you'll find someone when you least expect it...and sometimes at the stupidest times or with the strangest timing. I know.
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Old 06-11-02   #15
HeinousSoul
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I know you weren't I WAS glad that you have found your peace...

Everything works in the weirdest ways..I just dont bother with them anymore....
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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Old 06-11-02   #16
thefinalw0rd
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And you will again eventually. Maybe sooner than you think.
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Old 06-11-02   #17
HeinousSoul
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Maybe...but then again I may not want it at the time...."time" will only tell........
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“The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one….Yet the light of the bright world dies…with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one…Yet the light of a whole life dies…when love is done…- Francis W. Bourdillon

"The madness of demons is Rage. The madness of angels is Hope."

"We are Grey. We stand between the Candle and the Star"

“Some people are born to be the tears of the world” -me

"Fell from Heaven and her wings shattered like glass. But she's an angel, so of course she got up and walked away. But they still had to scrape her soul off the side walk..."

"Understanding is the one-dimensional comprehension of the intellect. It leads to knowledge. Realization is three-dimensional-a simultaneous comprehension of head, heart, and instinct. It comes only from direct experience"

"You understand many things but have realized practically nothing"

"Why did you throw the Jack of Hearts away, when that was the only card left I had to play?"


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