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Old 05-25-02   #1
Demon's Eclipse
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Thoughts

It's been to long since I've been able to sit down and write down anything worth reading...But here goes...I'm giving it my best shot...


Today has been one of those normal boring days that you just can't seem to find enough energy to last through it. This morning I woke to my cat's head on my face. Scared me for a moment then I realized she'd be sleeping there all night. i know it sounds odd, but she's the closest thing to someone to love. Man that's sad. I just kinda laid there and let the car fur fly as i petted her. I guess i feel hopeless in a way. The one I love, is so far away and i wish to reach for someone, but i can't allow myself to do that. There isn't a day that goes by that i wish i could just hold his hand and feel his arms around me, but it just doesn't work like that. Sometimes I'll be doing something, then out of the blue, tears will try to fight from me, yet i shove them back, hiding what i think is slowly tearing me down. Man I'm pathetic. Today just went on a downhill slide. I am trying to catch up in school, since i have 4 days left. But i can't find the energy or strength to do it. I can't concentrate on anything, i can't even think. What am I doing wrong? There's something wrong with me here, but i still can't figure it out. There's so many shattered thoughts I can't piece back together so my mind stays in a scrambled mess of emotion. The evening has just begun and I can't figure out what to do. I'm just sitting here staring at the screen, wanting to leave the house. But where would i go? What would I do? These feelings will never leave, maybe I should just go back to sleep. But what's the point of sleep? It's just a pitch black emptiness of mind. No dreams...nothing more than a hollow void.

Have a good evening....sweet dreams of the darkest kind
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Old 05-25-02   #2
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u sound like me when i broke up w/ (name will not me mentioned), you just have to tell yourself that fate has something better in store for you.
i know there is nothing i can say to take the pain away, but keep in mind that before you can rebuild yourself you have to finnish crumbling..you dont want to rebuild on a unstable foundation now do you? good luck w/ getting over.
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Old 05-25-02   #3
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Life throws these things at you. I've kind of been distant from everyone but Nick and Jarod lately. I just don't understand myself, nor anyone for that matter. Ever since Autumn and I broke up, I lost my understanding of people. The way they think, they act. It doesn't make sense to me anymore. This world is slowly destroying itself, and most everyone is totaly oblivious. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. Things just, happen to fast for me to react. Things fly above my head, things that could have changed my life for the better. But, for some reason I pass them up, maybe because I think that it's for the better, but truely it doesn't help either one. Take care insane circus midget. I'll see you soon.

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Old 05-26-02   #4
Demon's Eclipse
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Another sleepless night of thought....


He asked me why I hid from him. He asked me why I lied to him....why? Lieing is the closest thing that's ever come to love. Those I looked up to and trusted with my heart, lied. They lied to save what heart I had left? Filled my heart with lies, filled my heart with false hope and dreams for a happy life, then broke their promises and left me in the dust of their past. Maybe I just need help. *sigh* as everyone else thinks I do besides my friend, who thinks i'm not crazy at all....but he doesn't understand me, he doesn't really care about what goes on inside my mind and heart. Sometimes I wonder if all people are like that. Out for their own good, and not really considerate towards other's feelings. Maybe it's time I go somewhere alone and stay there. Never come back to the world I know so well...just forget everyone and everything. Would that be better for the world? I feel so lost, so hopeless, I feel as if I am letting everyone down. I wish for just one day, one single day, i could be at ease without this pain. Feel someone's arms around me, showing me that there is hope for tomorrow and no need to dwell on it if won't be a good day for the next. I just don't understand myself. Why do these thoughts come? Why do I go out of my way to tell things to someone who thinks of me as a disgrace to family...why do i try to love someone who is so far from reach, why can't someone just see me?
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Old 05-26-02   #5
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Lies...what to say about lies... Everyone does it, and anyone who says they don't, or haven't is lieing. I myself have told a few lies, but I consiter myself a trustworthy person. And I think I am. But, there will always be those one or two lies, that somehow, someway, make things that much shittier. That is one of the worst things a person can do, is lie to someone. It shows that they aren't trustworthy, and they aren't serious about the friendship/relationship. It downright pisses me off. If you're not honest, then why bother even be in the friendship/relationship.

I keep wondering if people are worth the effort...

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Old 05-27-02   #6
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What you just said is what I feel like everyday, exept I dont have that one friend who doesn't think ive gone completely stark raving mad. Everyone thinks I need more help than ive got. trust me, going off somewhere will not help, your just running away from the pain and that never works. Because you will find yourself only hurting alone and worse.
hiding, why did you hide? i hide to protect my already broken and bleeding heart. i pull back from those i love because i know in the end that i will hurt. (this is the ONLY time i think a pop singer has any sort of point, Brittany spears {u guys cnt possibly understand how much this burns to say this because of how much i HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER LITTLE PREPPY ASS} and her one song about running away) we hide out of fear.

Lies, ur right, we all lie. Most of us lie to make ourselves feel better and lying is the only way I can keep myself from falling into the vast emptiness of my emotion. we can also lie to protect ourselves.
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Old 05-28-02   #7
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How did I fail you? Why did you blame it on me? For what reason is it always my fault? Why does this pain bleed inside me. I never asked for this burden...nor to become yours. Why did he have to touch me, why didn't you do something. You're the creator of me, yet you let him hurt me. Now you will not speak to me? Where did I go wrong in life? What made me such a disgrace to you? Why can't you see me? Understand me? What made you run away? Why did you tell me to leave? If you love me so much, why did you say it is my fault? What made you take his side? Why have you always taken his side? I thought you loved me, I thought you cared. I thought you said you'd always be there.....



.....then why did you betray me?


--------------- I guess this is how I feel at the moment. Nothing seems to be fitting right. Puzzle pieces from all different puzzles, trying to make one whole piece fit. Yet nothing works. I sleep only an hour then wake up to choking. Why does it feel like his hands are still around my neck, yet I know he is far from me? Why can I still her his scream and hers long after the war is over? Why do I deserve this? What did I do so wrong? I feel as if I'm drowning in sin, yet I will never be redeemed. Just shut out by her once again. She doesn't see me. Why does she say she cares? Nothing matters to her but herself and her money, her husband has always come first. Now I sit here, sedated with the lack of sleep I have indured. Time just seems to be in slow motion, giving into every dull pain that my body feels. Am I dead? Am I numb? Am I lost? Why do I feel so alone? I have no home now...no one to call family. Why does this hurt so much? Why am I alone.................
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Last edited by Demon's Eclipse; 05-28-02 at 12:29.
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Old 05-28-02   #8
Tainted Soul
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Dalynda, quit blaming this on yourself. It was not you who put his hands around your throat. It was not you that made him scream at you, and I'm sorry it has to be this way. Take care Dalynda, we're here for you.

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Old 05-28-02   #9
Demon's Eclipse
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Why does it feel like i failed you? Why does this guilt eat away at me? Why does this fear of you keep me from seeking justice, when I know it is the right thing to do anyway? I feel as if I failed myself. Failed to be a daughter. Failed to be a person. Why does this have to happen? Why couldn't I just agree and go with them? Why was my work so important that I demand to stay which caused the conflict? Why do I always fuck up? What did I do so wrong to make me take all these wrong steps in life? What is wrong with me?
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Old 05-29-02   #10
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I feel as if part of myself is dying inside...is it wrong?
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Old 05-29-02   #11
Tainted Soul
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No, it is not wrong. In fact, it is quite normal to feel that way. For me at least. I can't imgaine how you feel right now...
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Old 05-29-02   #12
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its not wrong to die inside, ive been dead for sometime now. i feel no emotion....sometimes i feel like my heart is not there at all, ill reach for it (and this is cuz i have problems w/ my heart, sometimes it will beat to softly for even a doc to tell it is) and it wont be beating. i no longer have a soul, its been sold and bought. Parts of me have died, some more recently...but I think in the end when things get better, it will make a stronger person out of me.

We both live in broken homes, you did not fail ur dad, he failed you by not being a father figure...and as for whoever tried to choke you, they were no worth you. They are not worth your time. NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR PAIN.....no one should make you want life to no longer go on. waking up is your subconscious is scared.

nothing is wrong with you, something is wrong with the world...you failed no one, and the only person you should worry about failing is yourself....try to find someone w/ a shoulder to offer and cry b4 its so bottled up inside that you cant take it and when something triggures it, it will kill you inside. there are some good things to life, there have to be. if any of you find them pleez tell me....

i will always have an ear to listen (or in this case eyes to read) so if u want pm me. cuz i think we are going throught almost the same thing.....read my journal, moslty the new entries.....

good luck, find your hope and your reason..and stick with it.
"NEVER GIVE UP ALWAYS THRIVE TO BE FREE"
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Old 05-29-02   #13
Tainted Soul
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Oh, and one last thing, if you need to get your stuff this weekend, I will gladly drive down and pick it up. *hug*

Take care Dalynda.
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Old 05-31-02   #14
Demon's Eclipse
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Ever get that feeling where you feel so tired and barely can do anything? I'm at that point. I'm so worried about school and getting acceptable grades in school, it's driving me nuts. *sigh* I feel as if I will fail. This is the last day of school and I never have to come here again. Right now I just feel lost and empty and have no clue what to feel.
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Old 05-31-02   #15
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yes, the feeling that eveything u do is wrong so in fact u just shoulnt do anything? i get that feelin almost everyday.
right now though a true friend is helping me through it, i just hope u make it through.
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Old 06-01-02   #16
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Today was an okay day. I woke up a bit upset though. I unplugged my phone last night, because people kept calling when all I wanted to do was sleep. I don't understand why people have to be so irritating. Last night I went out with a friend of mine, which I haven't hung out with alone for about a month. We just hung out and walked around. Then we watched the fireworks out on the river. It was neat. I had a good time, till I came home and was bombarted with bullshit questions. What is so bad about wanting to spend some one on one quality friendship time with one friend? Rather than two or three? I don't always like to be around many friends, because I just like to hang out with just one friend, that way it's not as stressful and busy like. This just really sucks. It's like everyone expects me to understand them and what they want, but if they don't tell me, it's like "what the fuck!" I'm just sick of people's bullshit. I am inches away from saying "you know....you can take your negative personality and get the fuck away because i am sick of this shit." I still don't get the big deal from all of this. And they never seemed to care before when I go out and hang with my friends from school. Like Tony, John, or Leah. Shit! What do they want from me? Grrr....they just piss me off. *sigh*
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Old 06-01-02   #17
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That was me calling last night D. Sorry....
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Old 06-02-02   #18
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Have you ever had something that no one else could see, nor understand. They think bad about it, but don't see the good in it? Maybe I still hold onto things that are dead in the past. Why I don't know, it's just hard to let go of something that brought me happiness in a way, that I am numb to now. Friends say it's not worth my time, then why do I go back to it. Why is there still an essense of needing it, even if it's dead. Everyday I get up, no matter what I do, there's always a reminder of something that happened. In the past I've made a shit load of mistakes, but now i wonder if any of them were really mistakes. Maybe they just were lessons i needed to learn, but I still try to force on, and push it all back. It's time to let go? But how do I let go? My mind hurts from thinking. Yet I can't seem to shut it off. I care, but I can't let anyone see that. It just isn't right. I give up. Everyone finds someone better, finds love. Maybe someday the ones who care will realize i'm not anything at all, and leave just like the rest. Everyone says I'm a whore, well fine you all can think that. It doesn't matter to me, for I know I am a bad person, and I know I've made mistakes in my life, but what do I do? Move on with the present? I don't know how to forgive, I don't know how to forget, I don't want to forget. I like things in the past, whenever shit starts to bug me, I just think of something that lies in the past, and it lightens the weight a bit. Why do I feel so hollow? I want the one thing I know now i can't ever have. At times I think dying would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like I am a burden to everyone one no matter what I do, or say. I just feel like they don't need me, but I'm a pest and I stick around. I wish I'd fall into a neverending sleep...maybe that will fix everything.
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Old 06-02-02   #19
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It's understandable that you want to go back to those good memories. But how can you still keep those memories with someone that treats you so badly? You deserve better, even if you don't think you do, I know you do. You're my best friend Dalynda, and you mean the world to me. Life would be shitty without you. I mean it. You've never been a burdon on me. You never will.

Nothing will be fixed if you died. Think about your friend who died, and then think of her family...that's how I would feel... I don't want to have that feeling again. Especailly over you.

I love you Dalynda.

Please feel better. If I have gas, I'll come over this week.
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Old 06-02-02   #20
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Maybe I was to be treated that way. I don't know anymore. I wish I had the answers to my life, but I don't. I feel like I need to get a job, get some money so I have something to do. I still need to get my licence, but that isn't gonna happen. *sigh* there's so many things I need to take care of, but just don't have the energy to. Maybe taking Nyquil and catching up on sleep will help....maybe not though. Right now I feel so worthless and stuck in this place. No where to go, no time to really do anything. *sigh*
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