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Old 05-15-02   #1
Lenina
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Wow! Its me having a rant about my life....

Wow, I stayed up all night again. My damn shoulder hurts and Im just so damn bored. I must have crashed to earth this morning and woke up to the reality that "This is it. This is my life." I just kept thinking of how my life pans out every day and it just goes in one tiny circle. I wouldn't mind if it was a big circle but no, its a tiny circle, almost nonexistent. All it consists of is, Get up, fall asleep on the sofa, wake up panicking, get nagged at, eat then come here, every day is the same routine, the same damn routine. I would break it if I could be bothered. I don't think I can anymore.

Im managing to get about 3 hours sleep now before I start to panic. I think it has something to do with my REM, my brain must know when Im falling into a deeper sleep so it has to remind me that Im still alive. I dunno, ever since Martin died thats all I have been doing, wallowing in self pitty, its pathetic, it really is. Im still feeling sorry for myself, I really should learn to look in the mirror some more and maybe talk to myself or something. Its seriously messed up, its like Im just stuck on a damn loop or something. Everyone has been suggesting that I go see a doctor, are they nuts? I hate doctors, they tend to hate me too. They always tend to think Im a head case, always "Here, have some anti-depressants and get out my face." No way, not a hope in hell.

Im just counting the days till I leave for Canada, if my passport will hurry up and get here! Bloody passport office, I mean, just because I have green hair on my passport picture they have to check up on me, it would be different if it was one of those toffs from..... Wherever getting their passports done. That reminds me, I gotta phone the passport place up today, I hate talking to them over the phone, I bet they all have stroky beard meetings about my photo... Im just starting to sound like a paranoid cow now. But its taking so damn long! I gotta travel! See the world! Or get deported... Oh bugger! I just have to get out of here, its driving me nuts!

Found my Ramones t-shirt I have been looking for over the past four million years! I just don't know where the hell it buggered off to all that time and then just miraculosly turned up in my wardrobe. Im sure my clothes have minds of their own. I was thinking of crimping my hair but I have just this moment given up on the idea as Im to damn lazy and if James comes over today complaining for me to get up off my arse and make him a cupper he can sod off! The scruffy metaler can make his own damn coffee. He still owes me a tenner anyway, he can bollox off! I might put The Sex Pistols on later when he comes through the door, just to piss him off, I dunno how Amy puts up with him, hes like a boy racer with chains. Seriously though, hes a cool guy sometimes, when hes not being a dick.

I had better go tidy up in a moment, I can feel myself getting spun out by how many dishes have piled up in the sink. I might as well be a damn maid.... Well If I wasn't so sodding lazy then I think I would make a good maid. Oh bugger it! Im going to do the dishes!
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Old 05-15-02   #2
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Pissed off again.

Well I managed to fit in an hours sleep before I panicked. Must be the downward spiral Im heading in. Im sick of this, I just wake up gasping for air and shaking. I should really get a grip.

James didn't come over today, his car is not in the driveway so Im thinking that he might have gone to Richards. Amy's car is there though, she must be busy with her college project, its her final two weeks there, I hope she passes.

Nobody seems to have any time for me anymore, I have all these people around me and I feel so very alone. Its like Im banging my head against a brick wall or something. I feel so unloved, its like nobody cares what Im feeling. I just want my friends to understand and help me. I can't exactly ask them to make time for me. All they ever say is "go the the doctors Leanne, I don't have time for you." I tried crying on my own shoulder but it seems pretty damn pointless now because all I do is feel sorry for myself.

Is it me? It must be. I mean I never tell them anything anymore. I just sit in my little world and expect them to come pull me out. I should learn to be more honest with myself really.

I phoned the passport office and they are still processing my damn passport. They are really starting to piss me off now. I just want to leave. I feel like Im slowly slipping away from my sanity the longer I stay here.
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Old 05-15-02   #3
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Re: Wow! Its me having a rant about my life....

Quote:
Originally posted by Lenina
Wow, I stayed up all night again. My damn shoulder hurts and Im just so damn bored. I must have crashed to earth this morning and woke up to the reality that "This is it. This is my life." I just kept thinking of how my life pans out every day and it just goes in one tiny circle. I wouldn't mind if it was a big circle but no, its a tiny circle, almost nonexistent. All it consists of is, Get up, fall asleep on the sofa, wake up panicking, get nagged at, eat then come here, every day is the same routine, the same damn routine. I would break it if I could be bothered. I don't think I can anymore.

Im managing to get about 3 hours sleep now before I start to panic. I think it has something to do with my REM, my brain must know when Im falling into a deeper sleep so it has to remind me that Im still alive. I dunno, ever since Martin died thats all I have been doing, wallowing in self pitty, its pathetic, it really is. Im still feeling sorry for myself, I really should learn to look in the mirror some more and maybe talk to myself or something. Its seriously messed up, its like Im just stuck on a damn loop or something. Everyone has been suggesting that I go see a doctor, are they nuts? I hate doctors, they tend to hate me too. They always tend to think Im a head case, always "Here, have some anti-depressants and get out my face." No way, not a hope in hell.

Im just counting the days till I leave for Canada, if my passport will hurry up and get here! Bloody passport office, I mean, just because I have green hair on my passport picture they have to check up on me, it would be different if it was one of those toffs from..... Wherever getting their passports done. That reminds me, I gotta phone the passport place up today, I hate talking to them over the phone, I bet they all have stroky beard meetings about my photo... Im just starting to sound like a paranoid cow now. But its taking so damn long! I gotta travel! See the world! Or get deported... Oh bugger! I just have to get out of here, its driving me nuts!

Found my Ramones t-shirt I have been looking for over the past four million years! I just don't know where the hell it buggered off to all that time and then just miraculosly turned up in my wardrobe. Im sure my clothes have minds of their own. I was thinking of crimping my hair but I have just this moment given up on the idea as Im to damn lazy and if James comes over today complaining for me to get up off my arse and make him a cupper he can sod off! The scruffy metaler can make his own damn coffee. He still owes me a tenner anyway, he can bollox off! I might put The Sex Pistols on later when he comes through the door, just to piss him off, I dunno how Amy puts up with him, hes like a boy racer with chains. Seriously though, hes a cool guy sometimes, when hes not being a dick.

I had better go tidy up in a moment, I can feel myself getting spun out by how many dishes have piled up in the sink. I might as well be a damn maid.... Well If I wasn't so sodding lazy then I think I would make a good maid. Oh bugger it! Im going to do the dishes!

wow lenina i know how you feel... i think about my life as a tiney little circle... i may think about my life a different way though... i know that my life its not so tiney... if i were to do things that were interesting and fun...

shit i mean yeah i live the same rutien to... it gets to a point to where it drives you completely mad though!! or you just feel like falling apart... can't really get the urdge to move on sometimes... maybe if we didn't do the same shit every day... put something different into are lives and not make it into a rutien... i know easer said then done right...

yeah looking into a mirror and talking to your... i don't think it would help much... cause when you talk to the mirror... it says the exact same things you do...

but like you said you needed to go out and see the world travel!! go and do that... i think everyone needs to take a vacation ever know and then... you need to do all that before one day you want to do that... then you can't... do while you still are young and go with friends to...

i completely understand you... life is a drag... everyday you wake up... you feel beaten up... cause thats all life does... it just beats the shit out of you!!

but you have to quit saying that your not strong... if you keep on saying that... the more weeker in person you would become... i think that is enough about my ranting... i hope that all goes well lenina...
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Old 05-15-02   #4
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Thank you shy, its nice to see someone who can relate.
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Old 05-15-02   #5
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hey no problem lenina
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Old 05-15-02   #6
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Tired and thats it.

Well this is fun. Im sure computers hate me. I had a mouse crash on my damn computer and now Im on the crappy one. I do like this keyboard better though, I like to hear the clicking of each key being pressed.

Well, Im tired, I think I might try to sleep for a couple of hours and see how long it takes for me to panic. Its like Im trying to beat the record of 3 hours so far... Pretty pathetic of me. I suppose its better than sitting around all night.

Well, I have been nagged at again, I suppose it comes as part and package of my tiny circle of my damn stupid life. (Damn I have to stop feeling sorry for myself.) I had a slice of toast today, I guess its the first thing I have ate in four days now... I tend to make myself food and then lose my appitite before I have ate something. I think I have had a few cookies or something but thats it, I just don't feel like eating. Amy came over earier, asking for me to loan her a fiver. Well I did, I will get the money back. James has been up to seans and said I will get the money of him (sean) next week. (I sold my guitar to him.) All I wanted was fifty and those wildhearts CD's I have been after for ages. Like I give shit now. Im just too damn drained to care... Putting on my bubbly front is proving quite a problem now... Im just too tired and mentaly exhusted to give a shit what people think about me at the moment. I have been suffering for far too long now... I just keep thinking "Is this me? Is this who I am?" I used to be so outgoing, now I just feel as if I can't leave the damn house without carrying bricks or something like that, Im like a broken down record player that people kick to stop from jumping, and even then, the record is scratched and will never play the same song without it skipping a little part. I know now I can never be the same person I once was. I used to like that person too. But shes gone. I guess theres nothing else to do but adapt, but how am I supposed to adapt when I can't even stop trying to be the person I was? A stupid contradiction, a stupid, pathetic paradox I can never begin to understand.

Well, I am going to time myself on how accurate and predictable my panic attacks are.
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Last edited by Lenina; 05-15-02 at 21:05.
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Old 05-16-02   #7
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I have to find a cure.

Wow! fifty minutes sleep! It just becomes less and less like sleep now, more of a "pause" in my pattern. Panic wells up and I move again. Is it insomnia? Or is it me just freaking out? There I was induldging in my thoughts, dozing off, thinking of good things yet to happen and then "BOOM!" I can't breathe. I don't even know if I was asleep either. Yeah it has become so bad that when I close my eyes, I don't know if I am alseep or awake. Im just staring into space now, I guess that is all I am good for. I didn't know I could just sit and look at the screen whilst typing, I found myself a talent I thought I never had. It must be the sleep deprivation.

I dunno what I am going to do today, it will probably consist of.. Sleeping on the sofa, wake up in a panic and then back here... Oh hang on... Thats what I do every day, I almost thought I had a life there. Silly me.

I want my tenner back off James, I want the fifty off Sean and I want the fiver back off Amy... Hang on! Amy still owes my a fiver off three weeks ago. Ah ha! Damn I have a bad memory.

I might crimp my hair today as I was too lazy to do so yesterday... Im too lazy today too, bugger it!

Im definately phoning Lyn! She counter signatured my passport papers. Yet again. They send me my passport and It is not valid so I send it back and they want to give me a new one, I have already had it signed once damnit! Why can't the government be stoned? It would be alot better if they were stoned. Then they would sign anything and send my bloody passport out! Jesus! I just want to know what they are doing all day... I bet its all fun and games there. But thats all I can do really, complain. Its not as if I can send my own passport out to myself now is it. Its not as if I can do anything about it. Im just sitting here like a tatey, waiting for it.

Well I need some coffee and I need to crush some feverfew, my knees are killing me again.

Damn stupid life
It sucks to be me.
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Old 05-16-02   #8
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Well I phoned the passport office today and they are sending my passport back out to me. Its a relief because the worry was adding to the extra stress. Now all I have to worry about is the rest of my god forsaken life... Or lack of. Sometimes I wish I could just fall off the face of the planet. I had a "I wanna fall off the planet moment today." It comes to the point where, if your nagged at all day, every day, you can't hear the person nagging anymore. It was like my eyes defocused and my ears just closed. Its all about being depressed, I make people unhappy... Go ME! Well what can I say when nothing I do is right? I might as well have a talking clock, "do you know what time it is? DEPRESSION TIME! Thats it, feel depressed! You know what time it is now? You guessed it, DEPRESSION TIME! Feel worse! Go on, you sure don't want to but hey, Im here to make you!" Or something like that. Im just waltzing around the house like something out of night of the living dead. I eases the pain a little though, because Im not alert and I can't feel anything.

Im even more confused now than what I was before. But thats just me. Why does everything I think of seem so simple but actually doing it is hard?

I managed to crimp my hair today, I needed something to do without dying of bordom. I even had 3 hours sleep without taking a panic attck, which is good but I doubt I will be able to keep that up. I will just be glad to leave. Just get out there and see the world. And probably be too damn depressed and lazy to leave the place where I am staying to see any of the world.

I might as well just fall off the planet, I doubt anyone around here would notice anyway. Damn Im to tired to care, Im to depressed to hear nagging and Im to lazy to make myself some food, not that I would eat it anyway, I just seem to waste food of late, Bugger it! Im just going to sit here and wait for tomorrow because everything seems less complicated on the net... *Sigh*
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Old 05-16-02   #9
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Im off to bed... I hope that I can get a little sleep in without panicking. Nothing much to say really other than nothing has changed. I am waiting for my passport with excitement and thats all I have to look forward to.

Damn stupid life.
It sucks to be me.
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Old 05-17-02   #10
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DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Nightmares about martin woke me up today, fuck! At least I didn't panic huh. I just wish the pain would go away. I miss him so much, but I guess its pointless to cry because I know all the crying in the world is not going to bring him back, I know that all the panicking in the world is not going to change whats happened but theres not a day that goes by when I wish that things were different. I just want someone to blame, all I seem to do is torture myself over it, the panicking, the nightmares, the waking up every morning knowing hes gone. Life has its cruel way of taking the people you care about away. I just wish that it was different.

I recieved my passport today and a letter from the travel agents to inform me that my ticket is here. I just have to go and collect it, I think I might go and collect it this morning so I know I have it, then again, I need that other 100 soo I can exchange all of my money into dollars. I can rest easy about that now, all I have to worry about now is how to get to the airport, Amy said she would take me, but she is so busy with her college work that I don't think she will have time. I could ask James, James the speed demon... Well he acts like one on the roads, I always climb out of his car with white knuckles and shaking but then he is a careful driver also, even though hes a fast one.

Im still depressed but then, I guess it will have to change when I leave, things can only get better from here on up... Damn Im starting to sound like an optimist, I have to quit that, its not in my nature to look on the bright side.

I need coffe and I think that later I might come back online and send Angel an e-mail telling her the news, I am looking forward to this a little but I also have my doubts, but I guess life would not be the same without doubts.

Need my coffee infusion before I colapse with no coffee illness...
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Old 05-18-02   #11
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No nightmares or panic attacks during sleep this time. Thats a damn first, I slept for 12 hours and woke up even more upset and confused as I did when I went to bed.

I should go to bed, theres nothing here to tell today, other than my life sucks and I miss Martin more than ever now. Nothing happened today, I just sat at my computer again, same as always, same as ever. I just feel like giving up totally, just throwing my arms in the air and giving up. I thought about everything, long and hard and realised that either way, wheather I go to Canada or stay here, I will never be that person who had a life and had fun. Leanne is dead. She has been for years now but I didn't want to admit it. Ever since she came back from Mansfield, Leanne slowly died off, until she finally died and left me behind. How nice of her.

Damn stupid life.

Im off to bed now, I might be able to get some more sleep in before i wake up and do something exciting... Like... Oh, I might as well just stay in bed, nothing exciting happens to me.

Im so damn pathetic.
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