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Old 01-28-08   #1
Quixotic Rose
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I can give this a try

1-28-08

I suppose I can try this out. So yeah. It is getting close to the time that i can go be with my husband Keith. as soon as he gets the apartment i can go there. i am kinda scared about it because we are starting out our new lives together. but i went to the doctor for my colposcopy. apparently i might have hpv. which is just f-ing splendiferis. the doctor is supposed to call me tomorrow to tell me if i have it and what type it is if i do. hopefully it isnt too bad.
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Old 01-29-08   #2
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i write to get out things and even though it isnt amazing.. it still helps me and i guess that is all that really matters. this is something i wrote the other day. i am having some problmes with my husband.


The passion will never die
This feeling won't fade
It is deep in me
Happiness and love
But why are the memories seeming so far away

Try to understand the changes
Try to understand
Cry out
Please get me
Tears pour out
Words are supposed to help
They don't

No more blame
Listen and try to be open minded
For the sake of each other
Dont hold back and tear down the walls
Let yourself be deeply in love

Or
Will I turn black inside
Or will the worries just disappear
Mind cant stop
Keep it all locked up
Throw away the key
No expression
No weakness
Poison your soul

Cant recognize myself
Not anymore
What is the issue

Scared
Wanting to stay true to myself
What happened to this
My fault
It is

Hardest part
Realizing it
What matters though
Is the actions
To make things better
Or worse

In the end
Is there any compromise
Can each side take the negative
and make it positive

Dont give up on it
My walls are down
Wanting
To just be
How it was
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Old 02-04-08   #3
Quixotic Rose
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February 4th
-Well the good news is that I don't have HPV. So, that doesn't need to be bothering me anymore. I will be flying out to see my husband on the 13th. We will be moving into the new apartment on the 16th, but Keith wants me there for Valentine's day. Yay! We have been fighting a lot, but we have been apart for so long that it is starting to wear on us. BUT... we are almost there.
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Old 02-24-08   #4
Quixotic Rose
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Hmm I have been slacking in the journal compartment. So, let's see.

Keith and I are getting divorced. He decided that we are too young and that he doesn't love me anymore. He thought he did, but he didn't. I guess what we are going to try to do (which is pretty fucked up and I don't know what I am even agreeing to this) is be friends again. We were best friends before we got together. We haven't really talked, and the last time we did he told me that he has a girlfriend who is a foreign exchange student from India. Yeah.

So, what I have been trying to do is concentrate on me. I am looking for a good job so I can get things moving. I live in a little tiny town so there really isn't very many places to go to and try. I am going to be going to college hopefully next year if I can get everything straight. I feel like I have to start from square one again since I put my whole plan on hold because I was waiting for the soon to be ex-husband to get outta basic and where he is supposed to so we could live with each other again.

I went out on a date last night. A really good friend of mine and I have been hanging out a lot and he asked me out on a date. We went to Applebee's and went to go see the move The Bucket List. It was good. I enjoyed it. I think it was a little soon for me to go out on a date, but I had a really good time. I am just really confused on how to go about everything.

You know.. when it is all said and done.. I have been putting on a real act for everyone around here (family, friends, Keith) that I am going to be ok. And I am really not sure on whether or not I am going to be. It has been a while since it happened... and it is still a real shock to me. I don't know why but it is. Part of me thinks that I am going to wake up from a real bad dream and it all will be the way it was. I know it's not. It sucks.

I miss him
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Old 02-24-08   #5
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It will take time, but you will get past it.
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Old 03-03-08   #6
Quixotic Rose
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Well now that me and Keith aren't together he is interested in what I am doing and where I am. He calls up the parents and tries to hunt me down. I don't get it. If he really didn't care anymore and he wanted to be just friends then why is he freaking out and wanting to know if I am out with a guy? I don't know what he is trying to get at. Is he just trying to make sure I am not moving on or does he still want to be together but is to chicken shit to admit it? I don't know. He is so confusing.
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Old 03-03-08   #7
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Sounds about right.

It's been a short while and he is realizing he lost you. As with most men, once a relationship as serious as a marriage ends, they will want it back. It's common anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months down the road.
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Old 03-03-08   #8
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I remember my 'Year of Insanity" well.. But then again, it was she who left me..

I think he now knows he lost something good..
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Old 03-04-08   #9
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he is hiding it well...
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Old 03-05-08   #10
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It's part hiding it and part posession.

he had it, doesn't want to loose it, but doesn't want to give up his changes either.

Just remember, at this point he is your ex for a reason. Any attempts at trying to get back together are either going to breed resentment, or cause even more hurt.

It might work out, but it would be a long, painful process if you tried to take him back.
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Old 03-05-08   #11
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Well, I am at the point where I have been coming to reality on how he really treated me. And it wasn't as good. And now that I do think about it.. the good times didn't outweigh the bad times. So, thank you for giving me some guy prospective. It's what I need right now. Seriously. Girls aren't very much help when it comes to guys doing what they do.

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Old 03-07-08   #12
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You're welcome.
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Old 04-02-08   #13
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Well I figured I would give an update. It's not like there are any real readers but this is fun so off I go!

I have been pretty damn busy lately. Keith about two weeks ago decided to tell me that he was coming back... for about a week to get some things taken care of. He told me also that he didn't know if he wanted a divorce. He wanted to see if he was still in love with me. He didn't even think about how the head game would affect me. Well, he ended up changing his mind, and didn't come back yet because he has to get his head on straight. He is now in the substance abuse program and is trying to get his life together. The divorce will cost $3400. He is paying every penny. And ... he admitted to me that he had been cheating on me towards the end before he told me he wanted a divorce. I no longer talk to him.. I have told him to leave me the hell alone and let me get on with my life.

Well, Chris and I are officially together and he is one of the most wonderful men I have ever been with. He spoils me with affection, and he treats me really good. We spend pretty much every moment we can together and he still isn't sick of me (must be at least a little good) and I am honestly happy. I am not taking it too fast... just letting things take their natural course.

I have two jobs now.. one in a nursing home and another in a bar. I waitress for a grill that they have in the back.. and I make pretty good money. So, I am getting enough here pretty soon so I can move out of the in-laws place and get my own place with a friend of mine.

All in all.. I am finally myself again. And I am really happy. Things are finally get accomplished that needed to be. Things are getting a lot better and it is about damn time. lol. woot!
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Old 04-02-08   #14
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I actually DO read these!!

glad to hear things are improving for you!
__________________
Beware the ex's.. They ARE out to get you...

Nice guys finish last
It isn't just a saying.. It's a fact of life!

Those things that produced your ex......you know, the bitchmakers! Metagion

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are

Your more Delusional than you think I am! {Duck Dodgers}
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Old 06-13-08   #15
Quixotic Rose
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hm well here i go.. hello guys. i havent been on in a long time if some of you even noticed.. but i figured i would come in and let you guys know what is going on with the Crystal. well.. i got my own place now. me and keith are getting the divorce. i cant really get online much because i dont have internet at my place yet but im getting there! things with chris are going really good. even know i think his parents hate me. but it doesnt matter because "we" are what matter not "them" haha.. sorry. i have been working two jobs. one chasing turkeys and the other a waitress in a bar. its fun.. the bar one anyways . well when i have more time i will fill more in but right now i gotta go. its time to go party. i honestly miss getting on here. wow. slightly attached.
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Old 06-13-08   #16
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What you mean chasing turkeys? I thought your second job was at a nursing home.

It's good to hear from you again. Keep us updated as you can.
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Old 06-14-08   #17
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i would think the bar job would be considered 'chasing turkeys' as well! LOL
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Beware the ex's.. They ARE out to get you...

Nice guys finish last
It isn't just a saying.. It's a fact of life!

Those things that produced your ex......you know, the bitchmakers! Metagion

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are

Your more Delusional than you think I am! {Duck Dodgers}
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Old 06-14-08   #18
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Hello Rose.
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Old 06-17-08   #19
Quixotic Rose
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Well I was working in a nursing home but I found a better paying job so I took it. There is a turkey plant up here in my town and that is the biggest source of income for my town. sad huh? well, there are turkey farms all over the place up here and when they need to be moved to another barn or onto trucks to go be slaughtered that is what i do. i chase them onto this ramp that goes to a trailor with a conveyor belt and it moves 'em up to the cages on the truck. the "stuffers" put them into the cages. its a shitty job but i pays good. you are breathing in shit dust constantly and they are mean little things.

actually.. haha.. funny story.. i went to go chase toms (male turkeys) for the first time and i had 15 loads (each load takes 45 mins to an hour) and they are huge! like 60-80 pound turkeys. well they are aggressive and they chased after me. then when you get scared they get worse so i ran.. like a girl.. and jumped on my boyfriend and started crying. it was embarressing but they are big and they scare the shit outta me. i never chased toms again. lol. so now i only do hens or babies. much better if you ask me.

my waitressing job is what i work the most though. its more of my full time job. i work at the VFW in town so i get a lot of old drunk guys who come in. pretty much the same people all the time. I get shitty tips most of the time unless i work a night but its a good job and its easy. the only bad part is i work for the boyfriends parents and well lets face it.. me and his mom dont see eye to eye.

As for the rest.. i am trying really hard to get things going for myself but it is all being difficult. trying to get a car.... trying to go to college... but i dont think i am going to make it this next year. i barely make enough to pay the bills where i am now so we will see. but the next step is internet because.. well.. its horrible not having it.

one thing though... keith is coming to we fest here in august and well.. it will be my first time seeing him and the girl he is with (the one he cheated on me with). yeah i have gotten a lot better now and all but it will be my first time seeing him since everything has happend and i just dont know how 1. i am going to react and 2. what trouble he is going to cause with chris 3. how stirred up my emotions are going to get once again. it scares me. really does.

well... okies.. i gotta go but that is the 411. thanks guys for your replies. lets me know i am not talking to myself here.
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Old 06-18-08   #20
Axantha
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We're here for you.

It's better chasing the toms then trying to herd hogs so keep it up and you'll get used to it. Eventually, you might even get promoted to a job that doesn't require playing tag with them.

As for seeing your ex, just keep telling yourself that you're not together anymore. It won't be easy but it will help.
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