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Old 12-05-00   #1
jamie, the trendy killer
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has anyone got any half-decent jokes on them? I'm bored...
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Old 12-05-00   #2
jamie, the trendy killer
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ok, then, i will start you off. It is a long one, though...

a man is getting ready for work. He tells his wife "right, you better not be fucking anybody when i am gone, OK?". He leaves. a few minutes later, someone knocked on the door. It was an insurance salesman. So the wife locks the door, takes him upstairs, and fucks him. Someone knocks on the door. the wife reckons "shit. That must be my husband". She hides him under the bed. she answers the door. it is a priest. So the wife locks the door, takes him upstairs, and fucks him. Someone knocks on the door. the wife reckons "shit. That must be my husband". She hides him in the wardrobe. She answers the door. It is God. So the wife locks the door, takes him upstairs, and fucks him. Someone starts slaming on the door. the wife reckons "shit. That has got to be my husband!". She hides god on top of the wardrobe. She answers the door. It is her husband. he storms upstairs, shouting "RIGHT! you have been fucking somebody haven't you!?". he looks under the bed, and sees the salesman. He beats him to an inch of his life. He then looks in the wardrobe, and sees this priest on his knees praying "Please god, please help me god. I know you are up there god...". God then kneels down from the wardrobe and goes "you grassing bastard!"
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Old 12-05-00   #3
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What is worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?




One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
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Old 12-05-00   #4
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Joke

Ok, there was this little boy that lived on a farm. He got up one morning and he had to go around and feed all the animals. He went outside to feed the pigs and saw that they were fucking. He kicked the pigs off each other then moved on to the cows. He saw that the cows were fucking each other so he kicked them off too. Then when he got to the chickens, they were also fucking each other so he kicked them off each other too. When he got back into the house he asked his mom for some eggs. His mom said "I saw you kick the chickens, you arent getting your eggs today." Ok, fine, he thought, so he asked for his bacon. His mom said, "No, i saw you kick the pigs, you arent getting your bacon either." The boy knew what was going to happen but he asked anyway. "Can I have my milk?" he asked. His mom said "No, I saw you kick the cows." Then, his dad came out into the kitchen and saw the cats fucking each other. He kicked the cats off of each other. The boy looked at his mom and said, "So do you want to tell him or should I?
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Grass. Kneel down upon the earth, and gaze ever so closely at the grass. If you were to pluck one, you would notice a change in your view. Step back, and it looks no different than before. You plucked out that blade, ended its life, but as you look at the big picture you realize that single blade didn’t mean a damn, because there is an entire field just like it. Human life… just blades of grass in a field.
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Old 12-05-00   #5
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Another Joke

ok, i got another one...

One day, a roof repair man climbed up on a roof to start fixing some weathered shingles. The man started hammering the nails in but dropped his hammer. He went down to go get it. As he was picking up the hammer, a little boy came around the corner of the house and started laughing. He said, "My dad's got two of those!" The repairman just shrugged and went back on the roof. He decided to put his hammer away and use his drill. The man soon dropped this as well. He went down to go get it and then he heard the boy laughing again. He said "My dad's got two of those!" Rather pissed, the repairman went onto the roof again. A little while passed and the repairman had to pee. He went down, looked around to make sure the little boy wasnt around and started to go. All of a sudden, he heard the little boy laughing and saw him come around from a different corner of the house. The repairman saw him and said "Lemme guess, your dad has two of these?" The little boy kept laughing and said "No, but his is twice as long!!"
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Grass. Kneel down upon the earth, and gaze ever so closely at the grass. If you were to pluck one, you would notice a change in your view. Step back, and it looks no different than before. You plucked out that blade, ended its life, but as you look at the big picture you realize that single blade didn’t mean a damn, because there is an entire field just like it. Human life… just blades of grass in a field.
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Old 12-05-00   #6
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Whats the difference between micheal jackson and a plastic grocery bag?

ones plastic and dangerous for small children to play with, the other holds croceries. *chuckle chuckle*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

once there was this little kid and his name was butt-itches. well on his first day of school the teacher asked him what his name was. "butt-itches mam'" he said politely. "what did you say" the teacher replied. "my name is butt-itches". so the teacher sent him to the principal's office. well the principal was quite understanding "i know your name cant be butt-itches" he said, "its johnny isn't it?". "no sir" said butt-itches, "its butt-itches". so the principal sent him home.
butt-itches was walking home, minding his own buisness when all of a sudden a car swirved and hit him. meanwhile, butt-itches mom was on the way to the school to pick him up. (and have a word with the principal for letting a 6 year old walk home by himself) when she saw her son on the pavement surrounded by paramedics and cops. "oh my poor butt-itches" she screamed. just then one of the cops turned around, gave her one look and said "can i itch it for you?".

the moral of the story: never name a kid after something your husband said during sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

thank you, thank you, i know i'm not funny *bows*
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Old 12-07-00   #7
jamie, the trendy killer
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here's is another joke...

this man is desperate to go to the toilet. going into a shop, the mens toilet is out of order. he asks the manager of the shop if he can use the womens. the manager said "ok, but DON'T press the 4 buttons by the side of the toilet!". So the man goes to the womens toilet. when he is finshed, he notices the 4 buttons, and he couldn't resist. the first button said on it 'W'.he pressed it. a shot of water cleaned his arse. the second button said 'HA'. he pressed it. then hot air dryed his arse. the third button said 'PP'. He pressed it. then a power puff cleaned his arse. he reckoned " wow, these women have it easy!". the fourth button said 'ATR'. he pressed it.......

a few days later, the man wakes up in hospital. the manager of the shop is by his side. the manager goes "you pressed the fourth button, didn't you?". the man goes "yeah. what does it mean?". he replys "automatic tampon remover."
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Old 12-07-00   #8
jamie, the trendy killer
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....and here's another (fuckin' hell, does anybody have any jokes!!!???)

what do you get if you put 10 trendies on the moon?
problem.
what do you get if you put 100 trendies on the moon?
problem.
what do you get if you put 1,000 trendies on the moon?
problem.
what do you get if you put 10,000 trendies on the moon?
problem.
what do you get if you put 100,000 trendies on the moon?
problem.

what do you get if you put every trendy on this planet on the moon?
problem sorted!
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for those darkness members about to rock...................

I SALUTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Old 12-07-00   #9
Ars Moriendi
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I heard this one from a friend and it will probably sound stupid if you are reading it but here goes:
...Alright, so I am getting this chick from behind and I get an urge so I stick it in her butt. She turned around and said, 'Isn't that being just a little presumptuous?' Then I said,'Hey, isn't that a big word for an 8 year-old?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah, I know it is sick.

---What is the worst thing about eating vegetables?
-Getting them back into their wheelchair.
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Old 12-07-00   #10
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Here's a joke

I posted this one somewhere else, but I don't think you saw it, anyway, here are a few of my jokes.

A fat lady was walking around & she was carrying a duck with her. Anyway, her fat ass wanted to get a drink, so she went to a bar. Once inside, she asked the bartender for a drink, so the bartender got her a beer as she had asked. So he then says

"Hey, uh, where'd you get the pig?" & the lady, angry at the bartender's question responds:

"It's not a pig jackass, it's a duck!

So the bartender says:

I know, I know, I was talking to the duck ya fat ass!"

Here's another quick one, it's pretty mean actually, & somewhat sick maybe, but I thought it was hilarious.

Do you know the real reason Hitler killed himself? It wasn't because of defeat, but it was after he saw the humongous gas bill.

I hope you at least found one of these funny.
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Old 12-07-00   #11
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Wait, I got another

one morning, the pope woke up with the biggest morning wood, & well, being a man, he couldn't help the urge to jack off. So he did, he beat his meat, spanked the monkey, choked the chicken, drained the lizard, bopped the bishop, stroked the balogny pony, whatever you wanna call it.

Meanwhile, there had been a fanatic of his (go figure) trying to sneak in the house, & well, he managed to climb up the wall were the popes room was. He wanted to take a picture of him to keep. The fanatic reached the window & snapped a picture. The pope was shocked to see that someone had taken a pic of him the moment he came. The fanatic crawled in the room & said

"Oh shit, the pope... jacking off? I could make a fortune off this pic!!"

So the pope says:

"No, you'll ruin me! You can't sell that picture! Please, I'll buy the camera from you, how much?"

So he negotiated with the fanatic & he ended up paying $3,000 for the camera. The next day he had a bunch of people from diff. nations visit his estate. There was a Japanese man there, & he noticed the camera, so he goes to the pope & asks:

"Hey, is that new camera?"
Uh, yes, it is?" the pope said.
"How much you pay?" asked the Japanese guy.
"$3000" said the pope, slightly sad.

So the Japanese guy looks surprised & then says "Oh, I see! They musta seen you coming!"
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Old 01-10-01   #12
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What's brown and sounds like a bell?


Dunggggggg.


A ha ha, a ha. I'm unbelievably amused.
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Old 01-11-01   #13
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I’ve one ..Lizard Trainer trying to be a mature smart-ass . hold on to something ma

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FRIST OF ALL I AM 25,SECOND THIS IS THE WAY I AM YES I LIKE TO GIVE PEOPLE ON DARKNESS POST TO PLAY AROUND WITH BECASE ITS FUN TO SEE WHAT MOST DICKHOLES WILL SAY,AND THIRD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN TALKING ABOUT ME.
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Old 01-11-01   #14
jamie, the trendy killer
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fucking hell, this is an old one of mine, innit?

well, lets keep it alive. here is a good one...

there are 2 men in the prison showers. the soap is on the floor.

which is the stupid one?
the one who picks it up.

which is the clever one?
the one who nailed the soap to the floor.

hahahahaha... yeah, i know it is shit...

oh yeah, Damian Hell, what are you talking about? this is a joke thread....
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Old 01-11-01   #15
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Whats brown and sticky?

A stick
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-={Th3 0n3 w1ng3d 4ng3l}=-

'I'm just one BIG fucking ray of sunshine arn't I?'

'I may be a bastard but i'm not a FUCKING bastard!'

'I feel angry I feel helpless
Want to change the world
I feel violent I feel alone
Don't try and change my mind.' - Creed - One
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Old 01-11-01   #16
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Here's one I picked up in the schoolyard in seventh grade. It is both distasteful and juvenile, but for some reason makes me laugh:

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

When she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
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Old 01-11-01   #17
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How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?


Someone left a plunger in the toilet.


How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?


They put extra doorknobs on all the doors.



What are the four least likely books you'll read?



Jewish Business Ethics
Italian War Hero's
Polish Wit
Negros I Have Met While Yatching
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Old 01-11-01   #18
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his
lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more
time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and
cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a
burrito and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and
jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have
given to him again! The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could
have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos
so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't
look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."
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Old 01-12-01   #19
Darkchylde
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Whoes Hellen Keller??
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-={Th3 0n3 w1ng3d 4ng3l}=-

'I'm just one BIG fucking ray of sunshine arn't I?'

'I may be a bastard but i'm not a FUCKING bastard!'

'I feel angry I feel helpless
Want to change the world
I feel violent I feel alone
Don't try and change my mind.' - Creed - One
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Old 01-12-01   #20
Dark Messiah
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What's the diffrence between a funeral and a memorial service?

The center-piece.

If on a 25th anniversary you get a silver anniversary, and on a 50th anniversary you get a golden anniversary, what do you get on a 75th anniversary?

A funeral




jes sharing some morbid humor
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