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Old 10-31-01   #1
Duddy
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Halloween Safety

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules
to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these
helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see
if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to
kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with
somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find
out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact
that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's
still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws
are sold, Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that
it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a
tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most
likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from
deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had
previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old
house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight,
not a candle.

20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can
flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.

21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
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