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Old 10-21-01   #1
Spikess
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funny shit

heres some jokes i found......

What do 1000 battered women have in common?
None of them will "shut up and listen".

A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him..... Is he still wrong?

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

more to come
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Old 10-21-01   #2
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How are women and tornados alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

What do women and linoleum have in common?
If you lay them right you can walk all over them for 50 years!

How do you make five pounds of fat look great?
Put a nipple on it.

What is 96?
69 for dyslexics

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, i tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couln't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

The Little rascals are in school, and the teacher is giving them words, and they have to use the word that she gives them in a sentence.
So the teacher says "Ok boys and girls, the first word is...Love" so they're all thinking and two minutes later Alfalffa, rasies his hand and says "I love my dog!" "very good Alfalfa" replies the teacher.
"The next word boys and girls is...Apriciate" Thy all think again and two minutes later Spanky rasies his hand and says "I apriciate the fact, that Alfalfa loves his dog!" "oh, that's so thoughtful Spanky!" says the teacher.
Finally the teacher says "Ok, boys and girls, the last word is a hard one, are you ready...Ok, the last word is...Dictate" THEY ARE ALL STUMPED!!!!!!!!!! No one can think of a sentence with the word "Dictate" so finally, Buckwheat rasies his hand and says "Hey Alfalfa, ask Darla how my Dictate last night!!!!!"
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Old 10-21-01   #3
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God is talking to Adam at the Garden of Eden when, looking over Adam's shoulder, God notices Eve stepping into the stream. "No, Eve, do not go into the stream", God yells. But it was too late. Eve had already entered the stream. God moans: "Now I'll never get the fish to smell right".

What do you call a woman police officer with her pussy shaved?
Cuntstubble!

A guy walks into work with a sad look on his face. His friend asks him why he is so down. "My wife doesn't seem to want to have sex with me anymore." was his reply. "That happens to me sometimes too, so you know what I do? I go home after work and strip off all my clothes, climb into bed and eat her out. That does the trick every time." "That' a good idea, maybe I'll try that."
So that night he went home and the lights were all out. He took off all his clothes and climbed under the covers and proceeded to eat her out. He heard moans and she wriggled about so he finished her off. Just having come home from work he was dirty, so he decided to take a shower before he continued. He walked into his bathroom and saw his wife on the toilet. "Shhh-your mother's asleep."

How are men and dirty diapers alike?
Both are full of shit and always on your ass.

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus

Q, How do you give a woman an orgasm ?
A, Who cares !

Three women are sitting at a bar, and the first one says "I'm so loose my husband can stick his hand up me" The second one says "Thats nothing, I'm so loose my husband can stick his head up me." And the third one laughed so hard she slipped down the stool.

This boy says"Daddy what's a pervert?"
The dad replies "shut up and keep suckin".

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and an angel?
The angel says "Hey, you! Get off of my cloud!" The farmer says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

What's the German word for constipated?

Farfrumpoopin.
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Old 10-21-01   #4
doebathory
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hehehe oh hunny that was cool! hurry up and get some more!!!!!



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Old 10-22-01   #5
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By the light, I've not seen that many jokes that were THAT BAD put side by side ever!

I mean, it's not often that a joke makes me gag... but you did it 2 or 3 times.

Hope to see more soon!
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you know what? i still want a girl with a short skirt and a long jacket. (%)
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Old 10-22-01   #6
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lol thanx guys! here's some more!

Here is the world's easiest test. You should be able to get 100% on this one.....
1. How long did the hundred year war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is Camel's hair brush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

Ready for the answers?

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria-Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. In 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.


An exact replica of a letter a daughter wrote to her parents from college:
Dear Mom and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN.

OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any color) in my life.

However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours,
Your Loving Daughter.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up."

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am," he said, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."



Woman's BJ Ettiquette

She says.....

First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it, So if you get one, be grateful.

I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face, No, I DON'T have to swallow.

My ears are NOT handles, do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on your dick?

I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch tv, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.

No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc...

When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".



Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette.....

First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish

You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.

Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterward.

When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.

Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

Play with the balls

No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

Caress the ass, too, we like that.

Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? leave the thinking to us, okay?
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Old 10-22-01   #7
Spikess
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During Sex
101 things not to say during sex

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead.
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!


Sandwiches







There was a teen couple who decided to have sex. So they decided to go to the boyfriend's house. Noone was there except his little brother sleeping on the bottom bunk of their bed which they share together. The couple went on the top bunk and the boyfriend said, "If you want it harder, say lettuce, if you want it softer, say tomato"

They started to do their thing and the girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce! lettuce! lettuce!...(moaning)...Tomato! tomato!...(more moaning)"

Suddenly the little brother of the boyfriend woke up and said, "Hey! stop making sandwiches up there! I'm getting mayonnaise on my face!"










So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat girl...


Pregnancy Q and A







Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorised personnel only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college
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Old 11-08-01   #8
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Q: How do you circumcise a hick?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw
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Old 11-10-01   #9
xXDaRkDrEaMzXx
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Omg! Lmao!! I can't breathe..I'M STILL LAUGHING!! AHHHH :p
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Old 11-11-01   #10
doebathory
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LMAO!!!!! oh my god! i gave up breathing a while ago and am now turning blue. the pain in my sides is only overtaken by the ache in my jaw and i have mascara all down my face from crying so much. damn babe that was good!


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Old 11-26-01   #11
Spikess
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lol im glad u all liked them....ill have somemore as soon as i find a decent site
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