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Old 09-08-01   #1
RedMeat
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Sexist Jokes

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Female Interviewer: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Female Interviewer: "Shooting!!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-08-01   #2
RedMeat
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Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight.

What's the difference between Love, True Love, and Insanity?
Spit, Swallow, and Gargle.

What do you get when you cross a nun with IBM?
A computer that won't go down on you!

Why did God create Adam before Eve?
To give him a chance to speak.

How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-08-01   #3
RedMeat
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Woman talk:

1. "Fine"
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that they feel
they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe
how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the rubbish, so
they feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside
out, upside down, backwards, or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You
will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

6. (Loud Sigh)
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. (Soft Sigh)
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet
is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. "Oh !"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me
get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night".
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN (do not walk) to the nearest
exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your
clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2
days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught
in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised
eyebrows, "Go ahead", followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself
to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow and "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when
she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever
it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be
careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".

12. "Thanks A Lot !!"
This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot !!"
when she is REALLY p****d off at you. It signifies that you have hurt
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful
not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you
"Nothing"............................
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Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-08-01   #4
Spikess
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lmao!! that womens talk thing is so true!
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Old 09-08-01   #5
RedMeat
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Glad ya like it.
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Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-08-01   #6
Evil Cheese fry
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why did god make man before woman?
because u always make a rough draft before a masterpeice..
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"Thou hast bred hate where there dwelt none
And for this grave mistake
How thou art fallen Morning Sun
The proud will be abased"

He would not heel nor fake a bow
Murmur curses to the wind
And lo, the wrath of god swept down...

"Thou art no more an angel filled
With light, but a leech to be abhorred
And thou shalt suffer My burning will"...
Quoth this raven: "Nevermore"

Nevermore
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Old 09-08-01   #7
Evil Cheese fry
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men are like.....

parking spaces
the good ones are always taken and the only ones that are left are too small or handicapped

coffee
the good ones are rich and keep u up all night

chocolate
they go straight for your thighs


if men had their periods they would brag about their tampon size(u know its true)
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"Thou hast bred hate where there dwelt none
And for this grave mistake
How thou art fallen Morning Sun
The proud will be abased"

He would not heel nor fake a bow
Murmur curses to the wind
And lo, the wrath of god swept down...

"Thou art no more an angel filled
With light, but a leech to be abhorred
And thou shalt suffer My burning will"...
Quoth this raven: "Nevermore"

Nevermore
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Old 09-08-01   #8
bambam=o(
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Nice thread Red. Nice contributions Evil!
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Old 09-09-01   #9
Evil Cheese fry
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mmmmmm thank u, yes very nice thread redy
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"Thou hast bred hate where there dwelt none
And for this grave mistake
How thou art fallen Morning Sun
The proud will be abased"

He would not heel nor fake a bow
Murmur curses to the wind
And lo, the wrath of god swept down...

"Thou art no more an angel filled
With light, but a leech to be abhorred
And thou shalt suffer My burning will"...
Quoth this raven: "Nevermore"

Nevermore
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Old 09-09-01   #10
miztressblack
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LMAO!!! Please keep them coming...I couldn't stop laughing...hehehe
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Your mouth is like a suicide Talkin like you never died Automatic charisma For your chemical mind I'll suffer for you I'll suffer for you You're kissing me like benzocaine w/your Sleeping pill eyes Melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain I'm gonna hate you tomorrow Because you make me hate you today...Marilyn Manson "Suck 4 Your Solution"
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Old 09-09-01   #11
RedMeat
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Q: How come men don't trust women?
A: How can you trust someone who bleeds for a week and doesn't die.

Reasons Why Women Should Not Have Freedom Of Speech
1)She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2)I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
4)The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
5)If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-09-01   #12
RedMeat
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The Men's Guide To Female English

Do what you want. = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. = I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead. = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly. = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
I feel I've known you my whole life. = I'm drunk.
Will you respect me in the morning? = You won't tell your friends, will you?
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at the bar Friday night? = I've been waiting by the phone for three days.
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's just see what happens. = I'm not taking any birth control pills.
I can't believe you're here. It must be fate. = I've been following you all day.
I'm particular who I have sex with. = I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I hope you're not disappointed. = I'm flat chested.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? = Want to come upstairs and have sex?
Just come upstairs for a drink. = Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge. = You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
I want new curtains. = .... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes. = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there. = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Did you come? = Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
Trust me. = Let's just keep this between you and me, pumpkin.
I love you. = God, what have I gotten myself into?
I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.
We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. = Next!
I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.
We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.
I still think about you. = I miss the sex.
The trash is full. = Take it out.
The dog is barking. = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong.
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead.
Please walk me home. = Let's go make out.
It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!

Last edited by RedMeat; 09-09-01 at 19:45.
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Old 09-09-01   #13
RedMeat
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Definition Of Relationship Terms:
ATTRACTION- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and; energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EYE CONTACT- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

SOBER- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 09-11-01   #14
Evil Cheese fry
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amuzing
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"Thou hast bred hate where there dwelt none
And for this grave mistake
How thou art fallen Morning Sun
The proud will be abased"

He would not heel nor fake a bow
Murmur curses to the wind
And lo, the wrath of god swept down...

"Thou art no more an angel filled
With light, but a leech to be abhorred
And thou shalt suffer My burning will"...
Quoth this raven: "Nevermore"

Nevermore
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Old 09-12-01   #15
DeeeeShevil
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haha that's funny.
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Old 09-12-01   #16
monkey_man
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Sum nice jokes! - appart from the male ones!

I can only think of 1 sexist joke & it's shit, but here goes:

"How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they just sit in the dark & moan!"

I know, I can hear the yawns already!

I've thought of another! Theres little improvement and its 1 the women will approve of but heregoes:

"the average man isproof enough that women CAN take a joke"

K that was shit an 'all! Sorry!
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Old 09-12-01   #17
crystal_tears
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Stupid male jokes....
What you r about to hear is evidence that God made women before men............................


God first of all made the earth then all of the animals then God decided to make a more intelligent breed=the human race.
So he made Eve and on her first day walking through the garden of eden God approched her and said"Eve is everything okay r u happy with what i've prepared for u" and she said "well..yeah but do i really need three of these" and she pointed down to her three boobs.So God said"good point" and throw away into the bushes the useless tit.
God ask Eve if she was alright a couple of days later and she replied"I'm a bit lonely after the all the animals don't give very simulating conversation".
So God said"yeah your right" and he took the useless tit from out of the bushes and made it into man.

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Old 09-12-01   #18
Evil Cheese fry
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lol usless tit men ahahaha u guys are usless tits hahaha
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"Thou hast bred hate where there dwelt none
And for this grave mistake
How thou art fallen Morning Sun
The proud will be abased"

He would not heel nor fake a bow
Murmur curses to the wind
And lo, the wrath of god swept down...

"Thou art no more an angel filled
With light, but a leech to be abhorred
And thou shalt suffer My burning will"...
Quoth this raven: "Nevermore"

Nevermore
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Old 09-15-01   #19
The Spectre
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Q. What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down?


A. Kick the bitch!
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Actually, I think I'm sinking...
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Old 09-15-01   #20
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Why can't men have sex and think at the same time?






They don't have enough blood to use two heads.
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