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Old 09-03-01   #1
Death's Grip
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some other jokes...

ok, here r some other jokes if u guys want them...

if not...

too bad.. u will be stuck with them as long as u live.


"Birds and the bees"

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

"Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
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Old 09-03-01   #2
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The World's Shortest Books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver

18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman

13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
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Old 09-03-01   #3
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LMFAO!!!! God damn funny shit.
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Old 09-03-01   #4
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Things to do at WALMART while your friends/family take their own sweet time

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"
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Old 09-03-01   #5
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Not just for Sex anymore

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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Old 09-03-01   #6
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I laughed so hard, i choked. That was some funny shit. MORE MORE!!!
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Old 09-03-01   #7
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u want more??
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Old 09-03-01   #8
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Still up in bed

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
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Old 09-03-01   #9
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god damn you're funny. awesome shit. hAHa!! super glue. Classic!
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Old 09-03-01   #10
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Wedding Night

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"

John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 30 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so hard there's not enough skin left to close my eyes!"
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Old 09-05-01   #11
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The Little Old Lady and the Vibrator

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
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Old 09-05-01   #12
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Eleven reasons why having e-mail is like having a penis

#11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

#10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

#9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

#8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call E-mail Envy.

#7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

#6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

#5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

#4. If you use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

#3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

#2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE HAVING A PENIS:

#1. If you play with it too much, you can go blind.
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Old 09-05-01   #13
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It's *Let's pick on men instead of blondes* time

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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