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Old 08-19-01   #1
FullMetalPunk
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Tips For You

1) Gentlemen. Never smoke a cigar larger than your penis as this may invite witticisms from former partners.

2) Internet Chat Users. Save yourself a lot of time and money by simply ringing a public phone box and waiting for some sad bastard to walk by with nothing better to do that answer it.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you've taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

4) Dog Owners. Pretend that your dog is extremely well trained by commanding it to do what it's doing already.

5) Alcoholics. Avoid drink driving by simply freezing beer in an ice maker, then eating it.

6) Eliminate irritating shadows next time you go outside by shining a powerful torch at them.

7) For an extra long christmas kiss, swap your girlfriends Lipsyl with glue.

8) Old People. Keep your house warm in winter by plugging in your iron and using it as a door stop.

9) Claustrophobics. Reduce the risk of panic when entering a lift by looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.

10) Men. Avoid endless arguments with the wife about leaving the toilet seat up by simply pissing in the sink.
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Old 08-19-01   #2
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what's a lift?

if the english slang wasnt on the movie Snatch, i dont know it.
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Old 08-19-01   #3
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Lift = elevator.

For example: To Lift people to another level on a building
or
To Elevate people to another level on a building.

It's science that is.

Or is it English?

I don't know.
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Old 08-19-01   #4
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here in america, we call that:

an elevator

not some eurotrash slang like "ill cut your fucking jacobs off."
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Old 08-19-01   #5
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why would someone be wearing a biscuit in the first place?........
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Old 08-19-01   #6
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I thought "I'll cut your fucking Jacobs off" really spiced up the oh-so-bland "I'll cut your balls off" expression. Just my opinion. However, I still can't get used to the word "blagged."

And thanks for the tips, nephew Pretty good stuff.
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Old 08-19-01   #7
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its not bland when someone has a kinfe to your jacobs though.
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Old 08-19-01   #8
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Those are all wanker cockney terms, up here you'll have to get used to words like: minging, shan, raafee, greebo, ladge and a whole barage of words that I'd never use in my life.

But for your convenience, here are some rare swear words that you can use when you're bored (And politically uncorrect):

1) Various ways of saying masturbation: Wank, Strangling Kojak, Taking Captain Kirk To Warp Speed, Toss

2) Ways of saying "A woman is on her period": She's on the blob, she's got the painters in, I'm snookered behind the red (For instance, "Oh well, I won't be getting a shag tonight, I'm snookered behind the red and the only pot on is a difficult brown").

A woman with a rather spacious vagina: That woman's got a wizards sleeve.

4) Sleeping in a tent - as in, to have a big cock. Someone with a large cock would say to a woman in a club: "Fancy coming to my place tonight? You won't be dissapointed, I sleep in a tent"

and finally... 5) A vibrator - Twat rattler

These dirty swear words were brought to you by the British. Gawd bless her majesty... Guvvna.
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Old 08-19-01   #9
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I`m so proud.
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Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relatively to other such matter; second, telling other people to do so.

Darkness squeezes, Satan`s platypus rises tonight! Bork, bork, bork!
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Old 08-19-01   #10
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Cor blimey, wot wiv all youse Americans araand I can 'ardly breev tha fresh cantry air of laandan. Not that aahm fram laandan.

Neither do I talk like that. Or live in the country.
So that's enough.

Bad boy, dirty boy, in your bed.
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Old 08-19-01   #11
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Hey your avatar? he got a big face

Classic Harry Hill.
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Old 08-19-01   #12
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Indeed

Stoofer is the lord of everything. Respect due.

Where u from RedMeat?
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Old 08-19-01   #13
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Lichfield, in the Midlands.
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Old 08-19-01   #14
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aha, good man. That's odd I didn't expect anyone to recognise my little quote back there. The Tips and Swear words are from Viz by the way, do u read it? It's weeeell funny.
Oh, and do/did u watch Brass Eye? And what do you think about the whole sueing Brass Eye issue? Or don't you give a flying pigs fuck?
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Old 08-19-01   #15
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I got a few Viz mags but I didnt see Brass Eye. I`m too much on here.
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Old 08-19-01   #16
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ahh right. Well it's a lot of explaining about the Brass Eye thing, so I won't bother :p

What sort of stuff you into then? Comedy wise? Cos Harry Hill is well cool.

Other English stuff/comedians I'm into quite a bit:

Bill Bailey
League Of Gentlemen
Big Train
Mark Lamaar
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Old 08-19-01   #17
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Yeah Mark Lamaar, Rowin Atkinson (Blackadder not Bean), Paul Whitehouse, Rik Mayall, Ade Edminson and Harry Enfield.
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Old 08-19-01   #18
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Yeah Rik and Ade are hilarious together, and I forgot Paul Whitehouse off my list :p d'oh. The Fast Show was well cool.

I think Rowan Atkinson got himself in a bit of bother with "Bean", he kinda lost his status somewhat. BlackAdder was hilarious though, especially Black Adder goes to war. That was cool.
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Old 08-19-01   #19
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You mean BlackAdder goes forth? The World War one?
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Old 08-20-01   #20
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lol, that's the one, cudn't remember the name there.
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