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Old 02-20-04   #141
SyntheticMartyr
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Well I wound up going home early last night felt bad about it and felt worse than the morning. I went home tried to stomach some soup as best i could and fell asleep at about 10 woke up at 11:30 in the morning. I'm going to try to take it easy at work today I'm not sure how I feel at this moment. all I know is I am awake. I am off this sunday so I need to plan on doing something. I really need to get out of this house and my wed. day off although it was good it wasn't enough. I drove to allentown and went places but I still feel like it wasn't enough. I have this need for something more right now. I can't quite put my finger on it but I am indeed restless. Something important is missing and I don't know what it is. I hope that whatever I do on my day off it is spectacular.
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Old 02-21-04   #142
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My friend Kim called me last night. She was in an accident but she's ok. She then kept prodding me with her problems with her b/f. I pretty much told her to do what she wants. I'm not affected by any decision she makes. She then was picking on me for not really eating anything yesterday. I had a granola bar and a steak sandwich and that's it. Wasn't hungry. I really have no appetite these days. Couldn't sleep last night... I think from sleeping so much the night before screwed up my sleeping pattern.... I don't know. Day off tomorrow and I have a new schedule I now work 1:30 to 10 again on most days... well it's not what i want but it's better than 10:30. Haven't figured out what I want to do tomorrow.... kind of bored of doing the same old shit.
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Old 02-22-04   #143
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Couldn't sleep last night tossed and turned sometimes my mind doesn't want to quit.... it won't let me sleep. I keep thinking about weird things.... you let your mind wander so you get tired and drift off only the more i try the more I seem to concentrate on these thoughts and they make me more alert more stir crazy. Haven't done much today had lunch with dave first I have eaten since 7 yesterday told you I can't seem to eat anything ..... everything makes me sick ...... I bought new headphones today because someone ran over my old ones and broke them by sucking them up into the vacuum cleaner. Oh well no big loss they sucked anyway. I am not sure what exactly is going on with me right now my head feels numb and tipsy but things are swimming through my head way too fast like I'm on a merry go round and can't focus on one thing my neck hurts right where my thyroid should be.... It's hot in here. Creativeness is stirring within me i'm ready to burst ....I must work on something. Must make something beautiful. Hunger. Desire. I have need.
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Old 02-23-04   #144
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Stll can't sleep. Was up til 6 or 7 I think. Worked on my script a little bit yesterday...went from 9 to 11 pages. Played card games with my sister and mother afterwards. Then got a phone call from Kim who was upset again. Took her out to friendly's for ice cream to cheer her up with my sister. She needed to get out of her house and she tried to say no that's okay but i sometimes don't take no for an answer.
I said to her wallowing around in your own misery for long periods of time will waste you away. Being around people who care about you can help. I think I cheered her up. I'm glad.
Found out some things about my ancestors and my roots last night. Not sure how I am to think on it all, but I now know why I am so fucked up. It's in my blood. And it seems my ancestors name was changed to smith only to escape criminal punishment back in the late 1600's. If you go back far enough into your roots everyone finds a black spot. This was a big one. I'm not going to go deep into it unless someone asks ... because i am not sure how I think about it. My grandmother's ancestor came over about the sametime but she left for her religion meant certain death back then. again I'm not going into it. I'm not sure how I feel about it. At least now I know why my family is so fucked up. I'm no different.
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Old 02-25-04   #145
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Still can't sleep. Lost 17 bucks at poker on monday, cards just didn't fall for me and my head just wasn't into it. Feeling kind of morbid today. Day off today .... at least it's better than work.
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Old 02-26-04   #146
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Saw that movie Big Fish yesterday was a good flick I'd like to see it again..... I love Tim Burton films. Worked on my script somemore about 15 pages done now. That's really about it because other than that I have no life. I crave ..... there has got to be something more than this..... there has to be.....
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Old 02-27-04   #147
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The craving continues.... I have realized how everything is the same.... How my life is always the same. It never changes. Again Kim calls me about how much of an asshole her b/f is, and that everytime she tries to talk to him, he gets mad and ignores her. I was like well if you're so unhappy then why are you with him? Again here I am playing Dear Abby in which I have no authority. Work is slow. Thank god. Bad taste in my mouth tastes like medicine and I didn't have any. Kind of tastes like my old inhaler.... ewww. I'm not tired just reallly bored. I want something to do.....I hunger for something new .....
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Old 02-28-04   #148
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cravings.... my ambition driving me to a psychotic demise of total exhaustion. But I'm not tired just restless. I am a machine that will not shut down. Creativity is bursting, my quest for power just won't stop. Passion for more. I hunger for things that I just can't have,and i have unquenchable thirsts. The only one who can stop me is myself....
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Old 02-29-04   #149
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I feel it. I wish to turn the world on its side again. I want it all. I can't kill my cravings, my ambition and drives have put me to the point of insanity. I feel kind of happy. I hope it continues.
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Old 02-29-04   #150
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The thirst is within me. This hunger. This restlessness .... I feel I can run twelve marathons with this intense energy..... and It's weird I still can't sleep very well..... the less sleep I get the more alive i become.... it's like I'm dancing on the top of a candle's flame..... I'm shaking. I wish i could share it with the world. But alas they don't see the process only an end product. Just like i am someone else's end product.... they created me .... now they are stuck with this end result. Regardless of whether I am man or monster, I am pleased with what i am for the moment. Moments are all I have, and moments are all what life is made of. Regurgitation starts when you chew..... you only choose to spit out what was given or not.



At last I truly understand.
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Old 03-01-04   #151
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ya know ry, anyone reading your journal would assume that you NEVER sleep


and i know you do silly boy
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Old 03-01-04   #152
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Oh I sleep there hun just less than I used to.... my body tosses and turns til about 6 in the morning and then I wake up again at about 10..... sometimes earlier..... I used to sleep about 9 hours..... wonder whatever happened to that.... I think it's my brain going into severe overhaul.
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Old 03-02-04   #153
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Tired and getting sick. Coughing a lot. Poker was not fun.... lost about 13 bucks ...... hitting a real cold streak. Wanting this day to be over. Spring must be coming soon.... always get sick with the changing of seasons. I hate being miserable..... I hope I get better quick. Much to do tomorrow .... must get up early.
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Old 03-02-04   #154
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getting sick definitely losing my voice coughing my head off... yep spring is coming.... I always get sick with the changing of seasons.... *sigh* need to get up early tomorrow. need to clean the car, inside and outside, cut my hair, yes that's right gonna try taking a crack at that.... and I have to go on an adventure to find a music store in allentown. oh yeah this is going to be fun...... gotta be intrigued when a place is called Vyagra music..... heh
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Old 03-03-04   #155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SyntheticMartyr
gotta be intrigued when a place is called Vyagra music..... heh


heheheheheh!


hey ry, feel better soon hun, you need a good long rest...no work, no parents. get out for a while and just have fun.
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Old 03-04-04   #156
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well I'm coughing up a storm here.... and never got to go to that store.... got wrapped up in all the other crap I had to do... got my state tax return yesterday... hurray! and I managed to clean out my car inside and outside, however the whole do your own haircut was not a good idea.... I messed it up bad.... called my friend up to see if he could fix it cuz he's good at cuttin hair and well.... he couldn't..... now i'm completely bald...... funny part is people think I look good this way..... my sister thinks i look like that bassist from system of a down.... lol ..... I'm not sure what i think about it but it's not like I can do anything about it..... but since i'll be off sunday I may try going to that music store then. Saturday will be ok too cuz I'm going out to see Emily's Toy box at croc rock..... should be an ok evening.
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Old 03-05-04   #157
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Well I got a lot of interesting reactions from people from my lack of hair.... lol. But it has been nothing but positive... they say it's a pretty good look for me, and that I have a perfectly shaped head.... no knicks no scratches.... who knows I might keep it. Got my pay check today was good.... and I got my interface today so since i'll be off sunday perhaps I'll install it on my comp and try to use it.... and I still have to go to that music store. I'm still coughing and stuff, and I had the weirdest dream last night, but I think it was from the Nyquil .... but it's like another movie idea in my head...... I always have such vivid dreams never figured out why.... guess I just have a great imagination. Either that or i'm just some kind of lunatic..... either way it's good times!
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Old 03-06-04   #158
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I'm rather tired...... this cold keeps me up at night whether I take the Nyquil or not.... I wish i could get rid of this quickly. I don't want it to ruin my day off tomorrow. That is if I'm off ... I have this feeling my manager may have accidentally scheduled me. I also have to leave him a note about St. Patrick's Day. I'm going to a hockey game that night. Should be fun.... never went to a Hockey game before. I also want to go to Atlantic city real soon.....
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Old 03-08-04   #159
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Still sick and now my sister is sick too. Yesterday was a good day off... it actually started on Saturday night. Went out to Croc Rock cafe to see Emily's toy Box perform. As usual they were great! We met Bruce up there and he brought his sister and his cousin along with him. His g/f was there too but she ran off somewhere.... which Bruce later yelled at her for. Bruce kept trying to hook me up with his sister... it was weird. I don't like being put in that situation, and I don't think she did either.

Anyways, I went to find that music store yesterday, and I found it rather easily. Mike came along and let me tell you .... that is a decent store. The cds are cheap, some are used, some are new, and it's all geared toward metal and underground music.
they have vinyl too. I bought a couple cds that would have cost me 20 each at fye..... and wound up getting them for almost half price.... and they were brand new.
Mike and i decided to go to barnes and Noble then.... which let me tell you, that is not always a good idea....... I got a book which sounded pretty interesting and I think mike would have bought something had he any money. For some reason he wants to buy a satanic bible just to read it. It really doesn't matter to me what he does.
I took him home and then I went home myself, and just kind of hung around the house.
Kim called about her lovely relationship problem. I am really getting tired of hearing it. *sigh*but it is also reminding me that I seem to have lost my sense of compassion for my fellow person. I have shown very little emotion lately, and I think it's a serious problem. Times i should be showing something I don't. I don't especially like this hollow feeling, and I don't like feeling like everything is half assed. Just what really happened to me?
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Old 03-09-04   #160
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I will be glad when this stupid cold is gone. I will dance a jig. Didn't play poker last night, wasn't feeling up to it, and felt I needed some rest. Kim came in the store yesterday to talk to me about her problems again. I told her to dump his ass. I mean if you really love a person you don't put their family down, especially to your g/f's face. It's not right. Anyways, I am off tomorrow and i think i might just go back up to barnes and nobles... I saw some things up there that I am interested in and I do have about 100 in american express gift certificates that my work gives me, so its not like I'm using my own cash here..... I don't know yet. I haven't really had much time to think on what i would like to do for tomorrow, but rest assured it will always be an adventure.
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