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Old 03-17-03   #1
Sybs
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this smacks of self-pity

If you are going to feel sorry for me, then please dont bother reading anymore because I can and do manage to do that exceptionally well all by myself.

For almost 6 years, on and off I have suffered from varying forms of depression. And it seems to be back with a vengeance.
I also have had an eating disorder on and off for a year or so. Its back aswell. Yay for me.

I pretty much think I am the shit on people's shoes. Which im sure you will agree isnt the most healthy attitude to have about yourself.

I hate even glimpsing myself in reflections or having photos done.
Earlier I looked in the mirror and was so physically repulsed I burst into tears. Im still crying now.

I yank at my flesh to make myself feel worse so I will stop eating, anything to make it go away. I know im not pretty but I think if I at least have what I consider to be a beautiful body then I might value myself slightly more.

To me- everything is about how I look, it has been for as long as I can remember. Yes its shallow but its me, I cant change that and if you dont like it well im afraid thats just tough, you dont have to talk to me.

Also at the moment my friend's boyfriend is verbally bullying me. Nothing like kicking a dog when its down eh? It doesnt help. Really.

I cant think of a single friend I have who isnt slim and pretty. And there is only one person I would even consider telling this stuff but I dont want to burden her with it, she's the only one who can cheer me up when I feel like this- but she cant know that, I cant put that pressure on her, its not fair.

Tomorrow I will probably eat little to no food, a black coffee (caffeine kick starts the metabolism) and lots of water, maybe a salad. At the end of the day I want to feel like I have acheived something, im not a total failure, I do have some self-control.
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Old 03-17-03   #2
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To me you do not look bad. I see you as a pretty girl. But maybe what i say to you. You would think that it is bull shit. Believe what you will. Well its nice that you have a journal. Since you have been reading my crap i'll read your stuff know and reply to it for know on. Anyways take care Syb.
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Old 03-17-03   #3
IdleParis
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Sy - I'm not gonna feel sorry for you - just know that I am one of those friends (nearly typed fiend! LOL) you can always talk to.

~hugs~

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Old 03-18-03   #4
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Sy, it seems crazy to me that you feel this way, you are a very attractive woman, and intelligent to boot. I'm guessing something or someone did/said something to you to make you feel like this. If this is the case, it's them that I feel sorry for, not you. You have to realise that even though you may see yourself this way, others don't. I know I don't know you all that well, so maybe I have no right even posting this - I could be completely wrong but it seems that your self-perception has been jaded.

And the eating thing. You are not fat!! And even if you feel fat, starving yourself is not the answer, I know you already know this, I've seen you give others advice on this matter before. Just try to be healthy about what you eat and the guilty feelings linked to food will soon go.

Hope this made some sense *hugs*
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Old 03-18-03   #5
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~hugs all round~

I know im crazy, when im not eating I get split personality, one half of me says 'damn you're a heffalump, eat yourself bitch!' and the other half says 'oh for fucks sake just have some food, you will kill yourself this way'

Mia- for the people who make me feel like this- my father has for years told me not to eat, that i'll get fat etc etc. (yet if I ever go out for dinner with him he whines when I dont finish my plate lol), im surrounded by tiny tiny friends and I want to go shopping and buy the same size clothes dammit!

I have the self esteem of a salted slug at the moment
im thinking of things I like about me. eg my sense of humour cause im just so goddamn funny, three cheers! lol im mad
thankyou all for caring

I have really nice pants (good thing number 2)
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Old 03-18-03   #6
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You know when i was younger i used to get that alot to. When ever i didn't used to eat that much. My moms friend and my moms grandma were the only ones that picked on me with my weight. I was like the fuck. Do you people want me to eat or not? If so make up your fucking minds. But you want to know what i did. I didn't listen to them. I just mainly stayed to my own thing and i was happy with how i was. I am the type that doesn't really fucking care about my weight. Cause i'm build up fine and i like how i am. If people don't like it that i'm that way. Well i got a couple of words to say FUCK YOU ALL! If you could do that then you are fine hunny. But i agree with Mia and she said everything really well to you. I couldn't have said it any better my self. At least people appreaciate how are you are here and love it. To me there is nothing wrong with the you look.
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Old 03-18-03   #7
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Re: this smacks of self-pity

Quote:
Originally posted by Sybelle
I cant think of a single friend I have who isnt slim and pretty.
i am your friend and i am fat so i win!! you lose!!

and baby... you are gorgeous!! no no no no no

gorgeous isn't right...

you are fucking hott!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-19-03   #8
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thankyou

still want to be slim. I have good days and bad days. and mad days.

but hey well I will get there.

2 bombs found in my town today. scary..
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Old 03-20-03   #9
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Got evacuated out of a coffee bar last night - a car in the underground car park was on fire!!
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Old 03-20-03   #10
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its crazy

my new job (hopefully) is in the airport, so im going to die!
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Old 03-20-03   #11
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oh yea?? well i live near NYC and im going to washington in a month!! im going to die!!

no im not. god hates me... therefore he wants me to live.
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Old 03-20-03   #12
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Wow this war stuff really drives people insane doesn't it?
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Old 03-21-03   #13
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I was already insane
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Old 03-21-03   #14
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Re: this smacks of self-pity

Quote:
Originally posted by Sybelle
If you are going to feel sorry for me, then please dont bother reading anymore because I can and do manage to do that exceptionally well all by myself.

For almost 6 years, on and off I have suffered from varying forms of depression. And it seems to be back with a vengeance.
I also have had an eating disorder on and off for a year or so. Its back aswell. Yay for me.

I pretty much think I am the shit on people's shoes. Which im sure you will agree isnt the most healthy attitude to have about yourself.

I hate even glimpsing myself in reflections or having photos done.
Earlier I looked in the mirror and was so physically repulsed I burst into tears. Im still crying now.

I yank at my flesh to make myself feel worse so I will stop eating, anything to make it go away. I know im not pretty but I think if I at least have what I consider to be a beautiful body then I might value myself slightly more.

To me- everything is about how I look, it has been for as long as I can remember. Yes its shallow but its me, I cant change that and if you dont like it well im afraid thats just tough, you dont have to talk to me.

Also at the moment my friend's boyfriend is verbally bullying me. Nothing like kicking a dog when its down eh? It doesnt help. Really.

I cant think of a single friend I have who isnt slim and pretty. And there is only one person I would even consider telling this stuff but I dont want to burden her with it, she's the only one who can cheer me up when I feel like this- but she cant know that, I cant put that pressure on her, its not fair.

Tomorrow I will probably eat little to no food, a black coffee (caffeine kick starts the metabolism) and lots of water, maybe a salad. At the end of the day I want to feel like I have acheived something, im not a total failure, I do have some self-control.
hunny, i'm not sitting here feeling sorry for you, but i am sitting here reading through this and thinking how awfully familiar it all is. i pretty much think i am shit, i don't deserve to be loved, i can't imagine why anyone on earth would want or could even bear to touch me without feeling physically sick, i don't even deserve to have friends, i have no right to inflict my hideousness on anyone at all, i can't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears, and i can't eat anything at all without feeling utterly disgusted with myself afterwards. so i know where you're coming from. that said, as you can tell i probably don't have much in the way of answers, other than that i at least know it is an exaggerated dislike of self-image, i can at least admit to myself that i may not be quite as despicably ugly as i think i am (pretty much see myself as about as ugly as a person can get without being disfigured).

i've seen pictures of you and i think that you have a kind of porcelain prettiness, very very lovely, but i also know that hearing this from an almost complete stranger, or even from someone who was close to you is no help at all. i understand about the body thing, while you can't change your face to your liking without plastic surgery at least you can have some kind of control over your body.

trust me though, starving yourself completely will only bring you health problems, i know because after starving myself for more than six months not long after joining DF most of my hair fell out which is why there are not many pics of me after the earliest ones i posted. forcing yourself to slim but following a good diet is even more of an exercise in self-control, and feeling healthy might at least keep you a tad above rock bottom.

i'd guess like most people you have good days and bad days, but i can recognise that your bad days would be worse than most. it might be when you really don't want people near you or want to talk, but in here you wont be judged or pitied, just listened to. i doubt anyone in here is perfect enough to give you advice from that standpoint, but some of our imperfections make us better equipped to be helpful friends.
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Old 03-21-03   #15
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cheers babe ~snuggles~
im not completely starving myself, I have one meal a day at about 5pm ish- salad with a couple of slices of turkey and a fat free yogurt.
but problems have arisen that friends and family know what im doing, and there are murmurs of doctors and making sure I eat etc. but doing that would force me to chuck up every morsel I ate because I would no longer have the control.

little things upset me, like today at work some of the guys were mucking about and my coat got caught up in one of their games, and even though they were just being prattish I almost cried over it.

ARGH!!
in about 6 weeks, supposedly a big group of us are going for a black tie do on a boat on the Thames. I dont want to go. I spend most of my time trying to keep away from these people, why would I want to pay to spend time with them!?
And what would I wear?
ARGH!!
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Old 03-21-03   #16
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oh lord, the feeding has already started. I have been bought some low fat ready meals. which I have to eat, no way around it.
But they arent very big and they dont have much fat/calories so I suppose no fingers down throat. Only thing is I havent had any carbs for about a week, and they have either pasta or rice and its the carbs that make you fat..
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Old 03-21-03   #17
Kendra
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Well i was never a sea food fan.
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Old 03-21-03   #18
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lol, I love white fish, so light and yummy
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Old 03-21-03   #19
Kendra
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sybelle
lol, I love white fish, so light and yummy
Fish isn't bad! That i will back up on the sea food here.
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Old 03-21-03   #20
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fish fish fish, yummy!

(having eaten said evil ready meal, can honestly say was not great hardship, plus muchos yummies for only 4.4g fat!)

im a lick the spoon kinda girl ~grins~

I agree doe, some days I think I look ok, im not so bad. and when my fringe is straight I feel better.
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