Darkforum.com - Dark Stories, Dark Art, Poetry, Photography, Debates and Discussions
Home Register FAQ
Go Back   Darkforum.com - Dark Stories, Dark Art, Poetry, Photography, Debates and Discussions > Welcome > Socialize
Reload this Page going crazy
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-29-03   #1
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
going crazy

well im not sure how im going to do this... i think im loosing the plot, infact last week i actually thought maybe im schizophrenic(spelling?)... i just have so many thoughts in my head, they condradict each other and argh... its like theres a huge massy fight going on in my head... i wouldnt be suprised if no one understood what i type in here!
anyways im sposed to be sorting it out so i can figure out what to do... i moved to Perth (austrailia) from new zealand 6months ago, my first time moving away from home(my parents), ive learnt a whole lot of stuff about myself, heaps of which i dont like and need to change, and ive realised how moving away was also me running away from some shit yet again... so now im trying to decide whether to move home to sort myself out or stick it out here... sucks coz every time i make my mind up i talk to someone else and end up second guessing myself... or just over analyzing

its kinda funny usually when i get all messed up i write poetry sorta stuff and it helps ease things but that doesnt seem to be working like it used to, maybe thats why im writing here... i need to find some way to vent... i had a full on panic attack the other day, out of no where while i was folding the washing(hehe that sounds funny)

ill have to stick with this, figure it'll be easier than a hand written journal, they always seem to fizzle out with me... and i seem to be here alot lately...too much time on my hands... too much time to think...

wish there was some way to turn my brain off... then maybe id sleep better
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.

Last edited by PROFANITY; 05-29-03 at 03:46.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-29-03   #2
Edge
Soi.
 
Edge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Greece.
Posts: 10,000
Edge is on a distinguished road
Credits: 100,146
Sleep, music, walking in the rain...meditating...having fun, watching a movie, finding someone to share your thoughts with...
__________________
I want to live in a world of peace
Without conflict, like the one I’ve seen in my dreams.
I just can’t keep it inside
I’ve gotta say what I wanna say
Your face doesn’t show your fighting pose.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-03   #3
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
thanks egde
i walked in the rain a week or so ago... first time in ages, had forgotten how much i liked it... its been shitty weather today maybe thats what i need a walk in the rain the thing with sleeping and meditating is ive been finding them both difficult to do lately but i can only keep trying i guess...
ive taken some pretty big steps in sharing my thoughts with people close to me.. ive always been one to bottle things up, had issues with feeling vunerable in sharing that stuff but im at this point where it just takes too much outa me to keep hiding it away... its cool though because ive been confiding alot with one of my best friends lately and not only has it taught me alot and given me insight into myself but into her too. its nice when you can learn more and become closer to someone you already felt you knew alot about and felt really close too. just makes our friendship stronger whichs means so much to me...

anyway..
friday todayyay! not sure what the plan is, probably end up drinking... either that or ill be babysitting my niece which is cool cos i love her to pieces, just feel a little taken for granted sometimes... im sure my brothers dont do it intentionally....

hmmm....

wizl wozl..... bozl?

__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-30-03   #4
Edge
Soi.
 
Edge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Greece.
Posts: 10,000
Edge is on a distinguished road
Credits: 100,146
__________________
I want to live in a world of peace
Without conflict, like the one I’ve seen in my dreams.
I just can’t keep it inside
I’ve gotta say what I wanna say
Your face doesn’t show your fighting pose.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-03   #5
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
Around 7am I awoke, I couldn’t get out of the room, I couldn’t find the door, any way out, vomit found its way to my hands, found the door, the toilet, I sat there crying. My brother was up he asked if I was ok, I said I was sorry, he stood, then went back to bed… I got my shoes and I left, fell asleep kind of at the park… 3hours later I found my way home.
This isn’t normal, people shouldn’t live this way yet here I am… I shouldn’t drink but I do… ick I hate this feeling…
Im scared of what Im doing to myself, I know im the only one that can change it… guess im just hopeless… I cant believe he went back to bed!? This is a person I always considered one of my best friends… have I done this to us? God I hope not, hate to think fucked that up to, itd kill me…

Why is it that guys I like don’t like me or if they do they never show it and guys I don’t like, guys I only ever want as friends like me… when this happens something in me goes ick and I start really disliking them… I was talking to my friend who has a similar problem, she thinks its to do with the fact that she feels, I spose betrayed. She too has problems with feeling vulnerable in opening up especially with guys she likes. So when she opens up to a friend and they end up liking her…. I duno….

On, I spose, a ‘brighter’ note, ive made up my mind. If I want to save whats left of my relationships with my bros and get myself out of this rut I seem to be stuck in im going to need to move home. If it’s the wrong choice, fuck it! If im wimping out running away from dealing with being here, fuck it! I don’t care that’s fine by me, I don’t like it here, I don’t like who I am, whats become of me so fuck it… I don’t care if this makes me pathetic I just don’t care… at least ill have someone to give me a hug, not that reihanas(my nieces) hugs aren’t wonderful, ill def. miss them!
Theres a comfort only home brings… good old aotearoa… land of the long white cloud… hehe

Well this has been a rather depressing kinda journal so far hopefully things will start looking up from here… I really should stop drinking… it never lasts when I say that.. oh well


Meeggle weegle….
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.

Last edited by PROFANITY; 06-01-03 at 05:46.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-03   #6
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
argh! the guy i was refering to that likes me just turned up... felt so uncomfortable especially seeing he brought me flowers... thought maybe he had upset me last night... fuck maybe he didnt i dont remember.... ok im def. not drinking anymore... everytime i do i cant remember or i always feel bad the next day..and no its not just being hungover i really feel like ive done something bad... even when i havent!
wish he hadnt come here, flowers! oh no what am i to do? will i just be a bitch like i normally am... its always worked in the past? oh no hehe what a mess....
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-03   #7
masochist
Still Hungry
 
masochist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Auckland, Aotearoa
Posts: 8,825
masochist is on a distinguished road
Credits: 195,580
when i saw this thread i was, should i? should i not?

i clicked.

i love you saf, you're not the only fucked up one out there ok? *huggles* and about the boys, don't worry about it, it could be worse.

hope things are ok today.
__________________
have you seen my marbles?
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-03   #8
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
you know bean i thought you might see this and i was a little scared of you looking but now.... its all good... i love you to bean *huggles* im hoping to day will be better too think i might just stay in bed
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-03   #9
masochist
Still Hungry
 
masochist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Auckland, Aotearoa
Posts: 8,825
masochist is on a distinguished road
Credits: 195,580
yeah i know what you mean. i'm constantly scared of people looking at stuff that i've written. especially stuff i carry on me - when i had a book i was writting in for example. i found it so hard to write stuff that i was really thinking as a result. everything i write nowdays is censored the moment it leaves my head. i can't help it. but i feel like i have to write stuff down uncensored one day, just so people know that they're not alone in their thoughts if they just so happen to think like me.

*shrugs*
you can read mine if you ever feel the need. it's not particularly interesting though.

*huggles*
__________________
have you seen my marbles?
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-03   #10
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
you know bean i might just do that... get some more insight into what makes a genie beanie hehe
well its really cold today... my toes are cold had a lazy day watching pink floyd with my bro... i love pink floyd... been doing lots of writing...hmmm nothing interesting...

schmoop moop...doop coop..... boing!




hehe yeah im in one of those moods...
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-03   #11
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
argh! i just typed this whole big 'philisophical' bleat thing and i duno coz it took awhile to type when i hit post i was logged off and i lost it all! thats the third time thats happend to me this week!
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-03   #12
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
fuck trying to type it again..... one day maybe.....


im rather disgusted with myself im seem to be in this wallowy self pity sate and it makes me pathetic... i hate it, i dont like being pathetic so i try and give myself a 'kick up the ass' so to speak and do something about it but in doing that the only way i know how to is to bottle all that emotion away and eventually i end up back where i was.. a mess! a vicious cycle i spose...

i just did the 'dirty deed' and read beanies journal... i know shes always been real private but well i feel like i know nothing... i feel awful because shes someone i care about so much, i do with all my friends. it gets me thinking you know, my close group of friends are all very private so do i really know any of them? i dont expect to know everything and i know i can only know what they want to share but have i been there enough, have i given them the opportunity, at least just let them know if they want im here, im not gona judge them... guess ive always felt its like an unspoken thing, something that didnt need saying theyd just know... but maybe even if its felt you should say it anyway. it can only be good to reassure our friends...
not really sure where im going with this just rambling... i do feel bad tho...
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-03   #13
masochist
Still Hungry
 
masochist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Auckland, Aotearoa
Posts: 8,825
masochist is on a distinguished road
Credits: 195,580
heh. i'm still getting over how you read the whole thing. i guess you need to remember things have change since. and i guess for the first time i'm figuring stuff out about myself and sayin it or telling people before I get the chance to hide it away or forget about it.

i think the longer i don't put it out there, the harder it is to extract later. i need to think less before i speak or write...hehe

i need to think less! i think you could do with the same too babe

*hugs!
__________________
have you seen my marbles?
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-04-03   #14
masochist
Still Hungry
 
masochist's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Auckland, Aotearoa
Posts: 8,825
masochist is on a distinguished road
Credits: 195,580
just thinking, i think one reason why we don't share stuff is because we feel like everyone has their own problems y'know? and i guess we do. but you have permission to read on if you so wish

love ya
__________________
have you seen my marbles?
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-03   #15
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
*hugz back*
same goes for you read as much as you want i cant be believe i read the whole thing too sure i skimed a few parts but at least it gave me time to stopthinking about things here...
i completely understand the whole change thing but to look back on i spose my perceptions of things at the time its all kinda strange...
oh i know i need to think less... seems like all i do excpet when im sleeping although ive had lots of strange dreams lately...
you know bean even tho i may have lote of my own problems think id rather listen to someone elses so never hesitate...
arohanui
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-05-03   #16
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
its cold again... my feets are cold....
hehe but seriously

i had a dream about going back home last night i can only remember a small part of it... i was with my friend courtney eating pies we were walking through a court yard i think it was sposed to be the uni but that didnt feel relevant to me. as we talked she said how i looked heaps hapier and i thought to myself how i really did. as we turned ther corner i saw aimee and instantly walked towrd her, it was a complete surprise like up till then courtney was the only one to know i was back. she gave me a huge hug and said how happy i looked... the only other thing i can remember is it was dark, everyone was doing there day to day things at night....
not sure if that has any relevance but yeah i found it funny how i was much happy kept coming up....
am i just trying to convince myself or is my sub conscious letting me know that this is the right thing i will be happier... or is that one in the same?

been feeling really old lately... whenever i sit down for a little while when i go to get about my whole body sort of aches... i duno feel like a real grandma
been hanging out to read a ggod book but all my brothers have are books on communism and che guevara which dont get me wrong are very interesting and ive read a few but i think enough as it is!
oh wait there are some trashing romance novels in the cupboard, my brothers ex left behind... dont think i want to stoop that lo


moogle moogle....
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-06-03   #17
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
oh its still cold or maybe its just me? everyone else seems fine while im trying to wrap myelf in as much as possiable... i never used to feel the cold... what has perth done to me???
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-03   #18
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
was my cousins thirteenth birthday yesterday,o to be 13... hehe dont think id want to be 13 again... but anyway happy birthday adam! not that hee'll read this
not sure what im doing this weekend, the rugbys on so im probably babysitting... oh well spose...
found out yesterday my mums coming over in a few weeks, i sould be happy and excited. my mum and i are real closeand ive missed her heaps but im more scared ive kinda opened up alot more with her the last few weeks about things not completely but yeah im scared...
had more starnge dreams still trying to figure them out
doopy doo..... im gona go play outside with bubs, the suns shining, maybe i can warm my feets
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-03   #19
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
well i didnt end up baby sitting, bubs stayed at a friends house, so i kinda watched the rugby... more daydreamed but yeah we got on the piss n stuff, was all good. had a lazy day of ps2 and dvds yesterday... everyone hungover as hell hehe
i keep getting this feeling lately that my oldest bro is really pissed at me or sumin... kinda waiting for him to snap at me or sumin but he doesnt... its not a nice feeling seeing a live with him
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-10-03   #20
PROFANITY
fuckety fuck fuck
 
PROFANITY's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: AOTEAROA
Posts: 2,652
PROFANITY is on a distinguished road
Credits: 39,609
Sometimes you get that feeling…
The sun was shining the sky was blue…it was one of those moments, where you can let go of the past, not think &worry of the future… just be in a moment
Just feel ok

Its all something I haven’t felt in ages
But it doesn’t last…

Sometimes you get that feeling...
Don’t notice the sky, to overwhelmed; by the past, the present and the future… sometimes it’s the present, the here and now that flips me out the most…

Argh! Sometimes I just feel so trapped, so suffocated by my life, by the present
They say im the only one that can change it this, I have to make changes, choices to make things better… but how does that work when the choices available to me… offer no comfort?
Neither option seems the right choice, nothing eases my mind or my heart, so where does that leave me?

Fucked?
__________________
KIA ATA HANGATA TAKU NEI TITIRO

crazy as a monkey-fish-cow

.
is Offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


Recent Threads
Much love
4 Days Ago 15:08
Last post by Sic Simon
4 Days Ago 15:39
what surprised you today?
04-11-13 17:55
Last post by Sic Simon
4 Days Ago 13:53
What Are you Listening...
03-21-05 06:40
By Cucking Funt
Last post by Sic Simon
4 Days Ago 12:55
I'm not 15.
08-13-18 12:39
Last post by Sic Simon
4 Days Ago 12:27
MiaOw and Lenina
07-19-18 03:05
by Kendra
Last post by Crypt
1 Week Ago 16:11
fucking mutant children
11-14-07 22:55
by ArSiNiK
Last post by DarkWind
1 Week Ago 22:28
Rainy days
2 Weeks Ago 16:27
Last post by Sic Simon
2 Weeks Ago 17:57
I'm gonna be the one...
2 Weeks Ago 16:14
Last post by Sic Simon
2 Weeks Ago 16:14
Online Users: 64
0 members and 64 guests
No Members online
Most users ever online was 1928, 06-09-15 at 18:20.
Powered by vBadvanced CMPS v3.0 RC2


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com

© 2006 - 2016 Dark Forum | About Dark Forum | Advertisers | Investors | Legal | A member of the Crowdgather Forum Community