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Old 11-08-05   #981
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this place is the only place i can get away from the people i know. i cant say or do anything without hurting someone, even if i dont mean to! i was over jono's last night and zane called me and i got all happy and stuff and then jono got so mad at me. 'you dont get that happy for me' well you know what jono? thats because i'm sure you've got aids and i love zane! damn...
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Old 11-16-05   #982
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Hello all, how are you doing? Things are going pretty good over here. Last night I went over Jono's and was hanging out with Alex and Mike and Jono and Alex started to talk about killing me and places to hide the body. Then Mike started in on it and I freaked out, called my roommate scared out of my mind, and then started watching Super Troopers so all was right in the world. The other night it was me, Jono, Alex, Mike, Harry, one of Jono's friend, Sean, Nadine, Erin, Danielle, and Jeff all hanging out down at Jono's. What a great night. We all got messed up beyond recognition. It was beautiful!

Tonight its going to be Jono, me, Sean, and Nadine. Should be a good time.

I can't wait for this weekend. All my friends from back home are coming in for break and I plan to spend time with all of them. I get to see Mike (and maybe Tiff and Mel) this weekend and I get to see ZANE on Saturday!

Ok, I really should pretend to go do work now.
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Old 11-16-05   #983
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Yes, much much much happier!

tiff is good, she is getting married in september to this great guy dave. he is really good to her.
how are you?
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Old 11-17-05   #984
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sounds good. i'd be glad to tell her you said hi.

I had a pretty good day today. I got all my classes fixed and went over Seans house and watched a movie. Pretty slow day but thats only because I didn't sleep last night and I didn't do much and history was over. I was kinda freaken out last night when I couldn't log on to get my classes so I just kinda stayed up and looked over some material for an exam untill 2. Then at 230 Zane called and I had to get up at 6 to register. Ok, I'm going to bed now.
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Old 11-30-05   #985
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2 weeks from now school is over. Finals are coming up soon so Iím starting to get stressed out. Thatís ok cuz in 2 weeks it wonít matter and I'll be sleeping soundly in Upper st. Clair with my Zane for a month.
How was every ones' turkey day? Mine was ok, I went to Ohio to see the family and it went well for the first time... ever! Then I came back home and pretty much spent the entire trip over at Zaneís house. Ugh, if I ever have to go 86 days without that boy again Iíll go crazy. He is supposed to come see me next week. Grr, he's in Michigan right now without me! We were supposed to go see Depeche together but school got in the way so now he's up there looking for tickets with Jason... humph.... Jono and I got into a fight yesterday; he really can't handle me not being his. Heís being childish and starting to be pathetic.
Anyway, Iím going to go nap.
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Old 12-05-05   #986
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The following rant will lead you all to believe that things are bad, but they are not. I just had without a doubt the greatest weekend of my life and school is almost over and my grades are still great. the rant is just a combination of never sleeping or eating, stress from finals and from friends, and being left alone for too long.

Ok, I’m coming back to finish this one. Please no comments and if you know me please don’t bring this up. Its not all the time, its just sometimes I feel that people keep me around instead of enjoying my company because I tend to make people feel wonderful, almost a reason for life. Needed instead of wanted. That’s a nice feeling, but it’s not a nice need, its a... for lack of better words-needy need. Once they don't need me, I'm pushed aside and put into the past. As mike once told me 'fly with fake wings' wings that I fixed, wings that I molded and made, wings that would be bloody and broken and unable to fly without my work. Other times I feel like an obligation. Like I’m only important when there is time. Not time made but time found, I am a space filler. It truly is a silly fucked up thought process because the person who brought these feelings to my attention in no way makes me feel this way. In fact, when I am with them, is the only time I am in sweet blissful ignorance of that fact that everything around me is slowly starting to crack and bleed. Not forgotten however, just repressed and denied. Sweet blissful unhealthy ignorance. This person puts their life on hold for me, nothing else matters, they go out of their way, they are so nice. Infact, when they compliment me (and they do, often, almost nonstop) I don't know how to react because I don’t know how to feel. So this person is now tied to this silly fucked up though process of mine because I am completely unable to distinguish or understand any though or feeling that I experience and have. False comfort is comfort none the less and only when he is gone do I realize that I was happy and now it’s gone. Making me feel even worse. I can't even enjoy being happy anymore. Only when I’m left alone with my own devices do I hurt myself with them (not literally).
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Old 12-11-05   #987
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So finals are now here, just 10 more hours to go before my first one. I spent all today on it so I think I'll do fine, its Tuesday’s finals I’m scared of. Comp is all conceptual and if you don’t have the same concept at the teacher, you're fucked. I think as long as you can back up your opinions then it’s an A paper. Science I never do well as so I've just more of less given up, but I know I'll spend all day tomorrow on it. Where did my cards go? Oh well. I spent all last week getting ready for them because I knew I wasn't going to get anything done this weekend. I was right. Zane called off so he could spend the weekend with me and that’s exactly what happened. Every morning I woke up next to him in his arms with the very clear feeling that this is where I should wake up every morning and who I should fall asleep next to every night. It was really a great weekend, I went to ceremony and that was the end of physical activity (well, outside the house that is). Ok, I'm going to go eat nachos now, take care.
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Old 12-13-05   #988
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I had a bitter sweet night. In a mere 10 minutes I received two pieces of news from two very close friends. The first piece of news could most likely be the worst news I have ever received in my life. To make it even worse I was not even told the whole story because they didn't think I could handle it. Now my imagination is running wild with the most horrible and twisted, fucked up ideas. Not much longer I received information from another friend that put to rest weeks of pain and anger. What a bittersweet day.
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Old 12-15-05   #989
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Today I woke up and went outside to give myself a little cancer, then a big pile of snow fell off the dorms and landed on some guy.

It made getting up this early oh so worth it.
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Old 12-20-05   #990
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School is over, I passed my classes, I'm home with Zane now. I started work again and although I am making more money now I'm still not sure its worth 12 hour days. Although now we have the same hours so I get to spend pretty much every second of my life with him, which I am MORE than ok with.

Ok darkforum... I've seem to have shared a lot with you over these past few years and now is going to be no exception... almost. A post I made on the 13th talked about news. I got the rest of the news yesterday and although things are not good by any stretch of the imagination they are not AS BAD as I had feared.
I told my love that I would not talk about what is going on and I really can't untill we find out more. Just please darkforum, keep us in your thought.
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Old 12-22-05   #991
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everything is ok! yippie!!
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Old 12-26-05   #992
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My Yule was fantastic! I had to celebrate a day late because I had to work, but what a great day. I went shopping, eating, vandalizing, and then spent the rest of the day laying in bed watching movies with Zane. It was without a doubt the greatest day. We woke up feeling kind of sad so I took us out for happy meals at McD's and we ended up mutilating our toys (Beavers) and he fused his beavers head onto the hand of mine (along silver sharpie blood coming from wounds caused by his knife) and we set it in the bathroom.
I spent the day before Christmas at the police station because of Dark_Duqualle, but I was not going to let that fucker ruin my holidays. He calls and harasses me, his girlfriend and her friends call and harass me, so I went to the cops. If any of those pathetic junkies call me again I'm going to the cops again to get a search of the phone. Because its his mom's phone they both will get charged. Mmm, 2 birds with one stone. How great. I had a pretty good Christmas. I woke up and my brother and I made breakfast for the rest of the family. Then we opened up gifts. I got everything I asked for (Alice through the looking glass DVD, a new skirt, tools {yes tools, I really needed a new tool set}, some jewelry {Zane got me the nicest necklace I've ever seen a purple corset, a NIN poster, a DVD and CD of our favorite bands, and something from Borders but I dont know what it is yet} and the last gift was from myself - Mexican stoner poncho!
That night I celebrated the first night of Hanukkah with Zane and his family. It was so nice, he opened some of his gifts, we sang/prayed and ate with his family (I was really nervous about meeting them but they all loved me ), and then he opened the rest of his gifts. His family even tried to get me this CD I've been looking for but no one has ever even heard of the band. Oh well, I've decided that them letting me live there for free is gift enough and I would have felt really bad if they had gotten me something.
Then it was off to bed early because I needed to be at work at 4 am, which I didn't mind. I spent all day goofing off with Brandon and my manager Tom. Both great guys. I really like my job for the amount of bitching I do about it. After work we went out shopping for clothes and then I had to come back home for diner. I think I'm going out bowling tonight because I dont have work tomorrow.
So how was everyone else's holiday?
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Old 01-02-06   #993
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I had to say goodbye this morning...
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Old 01-02-06   #994
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Zane had to go back to school this morning.
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Old 01-03-06   #995
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Ok Ok Ok, I haven't really had time for an update so here we go,

New years was real interesting. It was however, without a doubt, the best new years I've had. Wen' t over Zane's house and we had some of our friends over. Ok, let me rephrase that, he had his friends over and once you're drunk enough everyone is friends. Kelly was there, and I did know Brett and Narf, so it really wasn't that bad. But the little one ended up naked with beer on him, Narf ended up in my outfit, and I ended up handcuffed upstairs. The night wasn't that bad, although Kelly and I definitely ended up outside once or twice smoking and asking the question 'and we date them?' and then went inside to do shots to make it all better. Then people started passing out and we went upstairs to go to bed.
Yeah, then my boss, at 6 IN THE MORNING, calls to ask if I want to come in. I went to upstairs around 5:45 so I was still up for her call.
I work tomorrow so I'm off to bed.
Take care y'all.
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Old 01-10-06   #996
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I dont have much to update on. I work all day, come home, and pass out. Everyonce and a while I wake up to eat something and talk to Zane. I miss him.


Ugh


I go back to school soon. I can't wait.

Nothing else to say. Take care all.
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Old 01-12-06   #997
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Work has been realling interesting lately. I can't really explain why, well I sort of can. But its been a whole new experience. I've spent the week doing nothing but really getting to know Andrea. Its just so weird.



Anyway, this was supposed to go somewhere... but... I'll try again later.
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Old 01-18-06   #998
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I'm going to ohio this weekend and maybe the weekend of Feb 3rd... Oh great. I really have no idea how I am getting back...
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Old 01-23-06   #999
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So I got back home alive and with most of my pieces still attached.

Friday started off ok, I had to rush to get all my work done and stuff packed. At 3 we all piled into Dana's car and started our seemingly never ending drive to Ohio. The way there was. Fun? Mike thought it would be a good idea to piss of a set of very angry white trash red-neck murderous men who tried several times to run us over, then he thought it would be a good idea to see how fast we could get Dana's car to go before something bad happened. Turns out that at 117 MPH her car makes this ever-so-cute noise and starts to shake. We were attacked by a pre-teen wanna-be-thug gang, and last - even though the car may not seem like its going very fast, it is a good idea to stay in it until it’s stopped. Jumping out while Mike is driving around the parking lot is not a good idea and does not save any time in seeing one's boyfriend. Infact, it will now take longer because said boyfriend and Mike have to make fun of you for being a dumb-ass. We switched cars, I watched my friends get lost, and we started another never-ending drive to Athens.
We got Chinese, went to get a movie, and then lounged in bed until 5 pm the next day. After a full 24 hours of staying in bed we decided it was a good idea to see the outside world again. So we got more food, went to see more movies, saw a few of his friends, at this point I’m so gone I don’t remember anything - everything from getting out of bed and going back to bed is a complete blur to me and is filled in from what other people said we did. At some awful hour we climbed back into bed until noon on Sunday.
I didn’t really have a ride home and I would have been more then content just dropping out of college and laying there until the semester ends. But 100 phone calls later I was very unhappily on my way back to California.
It was a great weekend and I can’t wait to do it again.
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Old 01-30-06   #1000
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Yesterday was a weird day. I spent the most of my day watching Bible Black with Mike and Janette. That in itself was weird, watching something like that with my best guy and this (who I {wrongly} thought was innocent) other girl. Watching it spanned off a conversation of favorite porno stars or movies so that night a bunch of us gathered in Spy's room to watch specially hand selected snips and movies to determine 1)who was the best 2)what was the best and 3.)where was the best.
Around midnight Mike and I left and wandered around looking for signs of life. A few hours later we ended (at this point very intoxicated) up at KwikFill and bought our weight in peach rings and then wandered over the Rugby house. I love those boys. Clark and I just sat and smoked and watched movies until 4 when I decided it was time to try and hobble home because I had class at 11 this morning.
Fun times.
I went home to see Rachel and her family. I got really upset at one point when I was standing outside of Peter's Place and looking into EatnPark I could see a bunch of my friends in there and I wanted to run in and say hi so bad. But I couldn't because there was a slight chance I would have upset someone else who might have been in there. Instead I called a bunch of them and they came over later. It ended up being a very good night.
I'm so excited for the weekend! I know its only Monday so I have a while to go. I'm going to Ohio this weekend again to see Zane and just like last time I don’t have a ride back. But again, like last time, getting there is all I really care about. I’m going to the mall tomorrow to pick something out well two things out really. What I ordered him for Christmas was discontinued so I have to pick up something else.
I have to be off to class now, take care.
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