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Old 02-09-05   #881
Barely Breathing
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he wont even talk to me. I know somehow that's a good thing. what isn't dead inside misses him. 4 years of my life now gone. just gone. yes most of them were spent fighting and screaming and crying. the past few months have been the worst. its like he didn't even care. I was dying inside and he was hung up on dinner. I wanted to kill myself and would call out to him and he would slap me away and then wonder why I went to other people to help mend me back together. I would tell him my every secret, my every thought, all truth. ruined by two pre teen ass wholes who just wanted to get a raise out of him. he ruined everything and now he is gone. you figure I would be happier about it. but like I said, something that was in my life every waking moment for the past 4 years is gone....
I've started talking to this rob kid, I'm not sure where we stand or what our titles are or even in we have any. the lines of relationships are so blurred today you don't know what to think. its going to take a wile. its going to take a lot of work... I just don't want someone to promise me tomorrow and deny me today... so much second guessing and to much thinking.
it doesn't matter. I'm going to Florida. I'm going to get away from all of this. I'm going to spend a week with Jake, who can take me away from anything. its ashamed Jake doesn't love me back. he means the world to me...
I'm going to go finish packing now. see you all on Monday.
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Old 02-10-05   #882
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Take care...
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Old 02-13-05   #883
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thanks edge. im still down in florida.i comebacktomorrow. myspace bar sucks.. hate disney. things are not going so hot. everyone is fighting. im going to stab people inthe face. also, double meaning there. its cold down here. not much else to say. rob were are yourpictures? wish i as having more fun. chris and sarah r makimg it better. i love u guys.
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Old 02-15-05   #884
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disney computer sucks. i'm sick. jake isnt here. ryan wont shut the fuck up about his god damn scarf. grrrr. *sings* oh yeah. teacher has my phone. must get. grrrr. im glad to be home.
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Old 02-17-05   #885
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Ok now time for my Iím glad to be home but I fucking hate all of you rant'
I'm so mad at this friend of mine but I donít know how to tell him. I donít think he even realizes he did anything wrong. Thatís why itís so hard. Heís so nice and innocent (lets face it) he just doesnít understand. Naive is more like it. Stupid pathetic little runt. Damnit. And I hate being mad at him because we were such good friends. Iím trying to act like nothing is wrong but it is tearing me up inside. I wish I could just turn and scream at him. Just break down and cry and freak out. But I canít. I canít do that to him. *sigh* Iím fucked. Ill just have to learn to get over it.
Fran. Oh my Fran. I would believe you if you told me to look outside because the sky was black and the ground purple. I would believe you if you told me the oceans had all dried up and the mountains crumbled. I believed his lies and his half truths and his truths. I would listen and not judge. And now this? What the fuck?
And he sits off in his own little world not knowing anything is wrong. Oh to be so... so out of it. I almost feel sorry for him. God I hope he doesnít read this.
And rob. I need my sleep dear. Thatís all I have to say. I have school in the mornings and work in the evenings. this entire ; sleep at 9 so I can be awake at 1 so I can talk till2 or even 3 and then sleep till 645 isnít working! But I know if we donít talk then we'll fall apart.
What if I donít want to go to college? if I go out to Ohio Iíll never see anyone I love as often as I might but I know if I stay close Iíll see them all way to often. DAMNIT!
Oh well. Class is over in 2 minutes so I guess Iím off for the day. Take care darkorum.
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Old 02-21-05   #886
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oops, 'forum*

anyway. things are better. i'm still mad at my friend for being a niave unintentional flirt but its ok. i can get over it.
i was supposed to go to the movies again today but it doenst look like its going to happen.
i need to work on my project.
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Old 02-22-05   #887
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Project...nice.
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Old 03-02-05   #888
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its this gosh awful senior thing when you have to do something big! my first idea flopped so i had to pick something small. well, i thought it was going to be small and now i really have to work my little butt off to make sure it doesn't looked rushed.

~bashes head off wall~ things are not so well. i'm fighting with a very good friend but he doesn't even care and that hurts even worse. this project is tearing me apart, between my regular school work and work work i'm not going to be able to get it done. speaking of work i need to get a new job, i hate mine. if my dad and my brother start fighting one more time i don't think there is going to be a door in the house that isn't broken. cable = necklaces??? NO, FUCK YOUR STONER ASS, GROW UP AND BE A DAD! i'm borderline failing all my classes, well i guess getting B's and C's isn't borderline failing but i'm use to being an all A student. none of my pants fit right anymore. shit.
i'm done complaining now and i'm going to go work on my damn book some more. stupid book. nelson has my binder so i can't put any of my drafts in it so they are starting to build up and cluster and i can't believe he would scream that on the bus! eeeeeep.
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Old 03-03-05   #889
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Woa there. One step at a time.
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I want to live in a world of peace
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I just canít keep it inside
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Your face doesnít show your fighting pose.
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Old 03-03-05   #890
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Iím just glad nothing big is wrong. Just 10000 little things.
One thing that still gets me above it all is how hurt I feel. My friend and I resolved... well are getting better. We use to see each other after every class, he would wait for me and I would wait for him, he would carry my book and I would... well, i opened his locker and would grab his books if he needed them. We would sit after school everyday and talk for hours or go to giant eagle and get caramel and talk about everything. We at one time loved each other, would never date, but loved each other. And now itís gone. It can't be fixed. He did something unforgivable and I am not a big enough to even try to get over it. Heíll try and talk to me; Iíll listen, throw out an insult and then storm off to cry on Seans shoulder. It hurts to loose such a dear friend but knowing what I know now it would hurt even more to continue.
So what can I do to make it hurt less?
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Old 03-03-05   #891
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Learn to forgive if he sais he is sorry. There is no easy way to do it.
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I just canít keep it inside
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Old 03-03-05   #892
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he wont say it. he does things, he reaches out and tries, but he'll never phrase i'm sorry.
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Old 03-04-05   #893
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Shit, everything I typed the first time was erased because I donít know the different between c and v! Eep.
Anyway, things are better. Senior project is coming along nicely and Iím about to be fired so I donít have to worry about hating my job. Fish is good. Things are better with my friend. They are not the same, but do they really need to be? He asked me to do something and wile I was getting there all I could wonder if this was everything I was crusading against. I decided to stop thinking.
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Old 03-04-05   #894
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Sometimes sorry can be told differently...you know.
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Old 03-04-05   #895
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i know. i guess if he means it it doesnt matter if he says it or not. STOP LOOKING AT THIS JAKE I'M TRYING TO TALK ABOUT YOU!
im sitting in the tech lab with him.
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Old 03-04-05   #896
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Hehe.
It's true, most guys have problem saying sorry. It's the whole male ego system. But, we do make the point taken, using more actions than words.
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Old 03-05-05   #897
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nothing new happened today. i was supposed to go out after work with some friends but i was to tired, so now i'm here. its a good thing.
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Old 03-08-05   #898
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my dad left us today.
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Old 03-09-05   #899
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that is sad. hugs. i hope you feel better and such.
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Old 03-10-05   #900
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Donít be. He was an ass. He was horrible to us. All of us. But he also our source of income. Iím staying with a friend right now because I figure thatís one less person my mom has to worry about and we can all worry about saving out money until all the court dates are set.
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