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Old 07-18-04   #241
SyntheticMartyr
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I'm not really tired or anything and I've been up since 5 am. not really sure what i should write here. I kind of feel out of it at the moment though. It's raining heavy here and i wish that it wasn't. I seriously feel like doing something today, but alas, I can not, because of the weather. At this point i would usually say that this sucks, but i'm not really upset about anything. My emotions are kind of jumbled up. No not like in a bad way or anything. I'm not some kind of cold unfeeling killing machine. There is no void and I'm not in limbo. I'm just kind of spinning around like a record, i don't know i'm not making much sense, but quite frankly i don't give a damn.
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Old 07-19-04   #242
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And as we walk on down this road of life, I am realizing what huge potential i have and just how far I can go before I can crack. I have not yet begun to bend, as have i not even come close to bending those around me. This is not a game of wits or will or anything, it's like a spiritual growth spurt. It is a creative growth spurt, it is a personal growth spurt. It is everything and nothing at the same time, and i can only explain it in a word. or a sentence at best. One year, this is the time that I am allotting myself. Too many crossroads in front of me at this moment to list, but it is going to be always an exciting moment.
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Old 07-20-04   #243
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Hmmm tiring day, i'm not sure if i like getting up at 5:30 every morning, but at least I have my evenings free for a change. Off tomorrow, but i have much to do. I have to go my eye doctor for my eye contacts thing and discuss my options. I have leagues at 7 and i also have to call and get my car fixed for next week. I have to make a trip to allentown too. That is my fun thing to do and i also will probably wind up having lunch with my sister. it's going to be a busy day and it hasn't even happened yet. I will however make an attempt to watch my spending for I m saving hardcore for about a year so that I can eventually move out. I found out from my shop steward that my union can try to set me up with a job anywhere in the states if I am relocating. And I do plan on relocating in about a year or so. That's an idea not a plan for plans are meant to be changed and broken, an idea is just a general direction.
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Old 07-21-04   #244
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what a day..... gouged my eyes out for an hour putting those contacts in... the eye doctors got worried and sent me away for a while then came back and got it right. I can wear them about 6 hours tomorrow then 8 for the rest of the week. Aslong as everything goes ok.... had pizza hut for lunch and it was good. Burned some music YAY! oh and what is it with everyone loving me all of a sudden??? didn't know i was such a lovable person... always saw myself as some kind of malevolent spawn of pure evil. a monster of cruelty, and a vile specimen. Guess I was way off base, but a low self esteem, a bad attitude at times, and just bad shit happening, made me think i was a disgrace of the human race. Funny how random people come up to you and say endearing things make you think that maybe there is some good worth saving in this blackened heart, and maybe i was just being way too hard on myself. This is the start of something new. I am not going to try so hard, and i'm just going to be me, and if i screw up well who really cares anyway??? It's not about winning a beauty contest, it's not an award or even a race. It's being what you are and just living life as it should be and loving each and every living creature equally and openly. It's about trying to make things better for yourself and your future and hoping they do the same for their futures whatever it may be. I'm not smiling right now but rather in shock, about realizations, actually feeling accepted and knowing that there are those that actually like me for me in this area and that is a warm feeling. I'm smiling now.... from cheek to cheek, and all that read this know that i love you too for who you are and what you wish to become.....
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Old 07-22-04   #245
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what a day what a day, it just keeps going this wheel called time. A flow of a thousand opportunities knocking down my door but which thing will i let in? Makes me wonder... and the interesting part is there is no wrong path to take, they all lead to something that could possibly better myself and enrich my life in so many ways. They were there all the time just didn't see it. It was not so clear to me then as it is now. I was clouded by too much overwhelming dread that i always felt that if i stayed one more second of my life with myself i'd puke. Now It's all different. I see roads upon roads. I may be working myself to death, but i can play too. I am biting this chain link by link until it is completely gone. I have a long way to go, but i hope to enrich many lives along the way and have them enrich mine as well. May I always see I smiling face and find myself amongst friends wherever i may go.... may you do the same.... for if everyone was each others friends there would be no enemies, and no enemies there would be no use to fight. This should be everyone's mission. To make one friendship everyday. You may find that people of all races and cultures generally want the same thing when it comes to happiness.
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Old 07-24-04   #246
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my eyes hurt a lot.... just put my contacts on and i just put them in rather harshly. I have pineapple juice... it is good. I am also tired so I feel rather dopey. Not much sleep this past week.... and I've been running around like an idiot these past few. Very out of it.......
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Old 07-25-04   #247
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I feel rather gloomy today, and just bummed. I feel very down, alone and sad. I want to go away ......i wish i wasn't me.
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Old 07-26-04   #248
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Tomorrow I am going to AC for the day. Perhaps I'll win some money. I don't really car about that too much just because, Money really doesn't matter to me. Nothing matters to me. I still wish I wasn't me, and I wish I could make myself go away. I make myself sick....
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Old 07-28-04   #249
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I hate this .... I really fucking hate this. Let's see broke my contatc lense lost 300 dollars, I'm breaking out in hives, I'm beyond depressed, I'm angry with myself and the luck I been having. I am frustrated and I hate life right now. I have no one to talk to because everyone is way too busy for me to actually talk to me. I wish .... oh fuck it all.... why do i even bother ...
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Old 07-28-04   #250
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and the day went further down hill.....it's times like these i really can't stand to be me. Why? Why? Why is this shit always happening to me? why is it whenever I feel good someone or something has to take it all away? I guess I wasn't meant to smile...
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Old 07-29-04   #251
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rough day today. my eyes hurt... did something stupid put my eye contacts in backwards. actually it was just my right eye. got an eye check up tomorrow so i gotta get up early. don't wanna. nothing good happened today. but i do have an interesting buisiness proposal to deal with and it all falls onto one persons decision. If this works the way i think it can, we can make a lot of money. I'm not quite ready yet but with a little time and a little effort i think it can work well. I'm young so i have a lot of time for this... and it may just do me some good. Other than that I have been just bummed out of my mind and i thoroughly wish things would go good.
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Old 07-31-04   #252
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and the partnership shall be formed and may the gods favor us and bring us good fortune, and all who stand before us quiver with fear before the might that is us! Tonight starts the beginning of the end of all hope for the rest of the world. I can't say what I am doing but let's just say my vacation this month will be filled with buisiness, and will require a huge amount of my mental capacity to pull this off, but if it works, well hey let's just say i can just about double what i got in the bank and at minimal expenses. but enough of my secret project......
ordered apair of chuck taylor's today yay! work was boring. back hurts in several areas. tired as heck. bored out of my skull. people keep blowing me off. Sister leaves for arizona this week. 2 weeks. Dad's birthday this week. Alice cooper this saturday. woo hoo. bowling this week. no day off til saturday. booo. contact lenses feel comfy. Sad i never get to talk to the ones i love. wondering if i'm blowing them off. the world came crashing down and i have a bulldozer.
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Old 08-01-04   #253
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Tired. In pain. Tiger Balm smells but it works. Had class on friday. was ok. Work sucked. Vacation is not coming fast enough. Have so much to do this week. Have to call and make an appointment for my car to be fixed... friggin heat shield. Have to make an apointment to get my car inspected. Wondering why people are always trying to act older than what they are, when you know how old they are. Wondering why people have this obsession with staring at me. Feeling down and out. Feeling angry with myself because I am spread too thin and unable to get anything done. Angry with myself for wanting to buy more crap i don't need. Just sad in general. I don't want to be here.
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Old 08-02-04   #254
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eyes hurt.... very tired. sister leaves for arizona tomorrow. too much to do no time. *sigh* this week is taking forever. not sure what else to say here.
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Old 08-03-04   #255
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This is a new kind of low, and it's really not worth expressing. Seeing people you haven't seen in awhile. Seeing how they look and how well they are doing, never really made myself feel like this before. Looking at myself and making me feel so ugly and worthless, and miserable. What can I do? How do I fix this? I feel like crying.... I really do. wish I had some support.....
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Old 08-04-04   #256
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very tired. very long day. never ends too much to do no time. really not with it today. irritable, andwondering when i lost it but then realized i never had it. wonering if i ever will?
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Old 08-05-04   #257
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bad day today. again too long of a day for moi. getting up early tomorrow and going walking. Then going to work, then playing poker after work, and then going to bed and getting up to do everything else before 5 or6 or whatever to go to the alice cooper show. I'm so run down.......
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Old 08-07-04   #258
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I won 120 bucks last night. Oh the poker gods were on my side..... it was an incredible string of luck and skill. First time i busted everyone out in about 3 or 4 months. Alice cooper concert today. Can't wait. Will be a lot of fun! Over slept today have to leave in about an hour or so. oh well what can ya do?
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Old 08-08-04   #259
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Long live Alice Cooper!!! That was one of the best shows I have ever seen and I urge everyone to see him in concert. I got a T-shirt and an autographed cd. I am also planning on going to Musikfest on wed. to use up the rest of my food tickets. Planning on watching Cast In Bronze again... cuz that guy is amazing! Picture the phantom of the Opera playing a Carillon which is this medieval instrument made of 35 bells on strings which are attached to these wooden bars like a piano but the size of a wagon! Oh and also to check out the irish folk dancers... and to get some really good grub. and the beauty of it is that those are free to watch. I just hope i don't run myself into oblivion... I'm quite tired and have had a headache now for two days straight. and just exhausted.
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Old 08-09-04   #260
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Bad headache again..... really tired, have to get up early for work, and then have to pre bowl so i can go to musikfest. I'm so out of it.... ugh think i'm gonna go to bed....
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