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Old 05-24-04   #201
harli
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youve never hurt me in any way...dont be so sorry, we all fuck up sometimes, but that doesnt make you a fuckup.


ill tell you something important.


the meaning of life summed up in one sentance.


"love freely, live freely and die in peace knowing that whoever your heart touched carries on that love spreading like a rose bush over the world to protect those who are in need and bloom in so much beauty."



quoted from a very VERY dear friend of mine. the kind of friend id die protecting.


live by it.....it makes life easier.
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Old 05-25-04   #202
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I shall always try, Michelle, but everything I have done has been like pulling teeth as of late. That is why i am on my 5th life of the nine. For now I have calmed down some, but like I said it is really hard for me to talk about what is in my head and my heart .... there's still that big presense of self hate perfectionist mumbo jumbo rolling around somewhere .... and I make of myself the worst enemy, and i can't defeat it yet... not strong enough... not yet. someday perhaps, but not yet.... it still takes me places I do not wish to go... I sometimes can't stop it if I don't go consciously it gets me in my dreams... I lose sleep and eventually sleep from exhaustion without dreaming... then i wake up miserable because I wake up and it's still there.... and that is why I am on number 5. But knowing I have not hurt you makes me a little less at pain and a little more at ease... you are the last person i would want to hurt. You I love .... I'd even take a bullet for you. There is something I need to do ... but I will wait on it, I'm not going to tell you what it is but it's not bad, but i am asking you to trust me on it.
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Old 05-27-04   #203
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woke up early today...... not sure why. I think I need someone to give me multiple tasks, not really work related per se', but definitely something that will keep my mind and body moving long enough to tire myself out to get a goodnight's sleep.

Went and saw michelle yesterday. I had a lot of fun. There's just something about her.... I can do anything with her at all no matter how menial the task and somehow it would always feel new, exciting, and special. She's very sweet too, she could tell me I was going to die tomorrow, but coming from her I would take it much better than If someone else told me. She makes me feel important and special, when most of the time i don't feel that way, and I hope like I make her feel the same way. That is just one of the many reasons why there will always be a special place in my heart for her.... now enough of me getting all sappy.

I will probably be going out tomorrow.... emily's toy box is performing tomorrow night, and I hope my friends don't blow me off this time. Will I drink? probably, not knowing my friends i'm probably going to have to be the responsible designated driver...... I'll have a water on the rocks..... make it a double....lol...
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Old 05-28-04   #204
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Long day very long day.... a little worn out ... feeling like someone is stalking me..... there was a number on my phone didn't recognize... was definitely a cell phone... messaged it got nothing back. Shane said that girl at the diner is gone... might have scared that one away.... oh well used to it I guess ... there are few people in this world that can stand my humor, insanity, and all the rest of my crap. For those who did and can, you have all my love and respect. For those that picked me up when I was down, I owe you big time and your wish is my every command. For those that believed in me when no one else did, know that I wish you nothing but good things in return, for those that didn't do any of these things... well that's ok too you did what was in your best interests and I don't blame you. I know it sounds weird but I don't feel miserable, my funk is over and I am a little happier. End Transmission.
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Old 05-29-04   #205
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I don't know why I am awake, and i don't know how I can run off of 1 hour of sleep. I went out last night had a few drinks.... yes first time in a month ... I had three in the first hour and that was it I flagged myself. Mike burned a cd for me... it's very system of a downish... they are called Bad Acid Trip. Got to actually talk to the lead singer to Emily's Toy Box... he's a pretty cool guy. Oh and I might be on TV. They had the national release of Krank'd fuel here and shot a comercial.... I'll be in the crowd somewhere.... I was a little overly wild last night. Had bad diner food .... don't feel well.... the prices we pay and the lessons we learn.... let it never end.
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Old 05-30-04   #206
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Man am I tired..... why can't I sleep anymore?? I have too much energy and just a bundle of fun I guess. Didn't do anything special last night, not planning on doing much tonight either. I have to work tomorrow morning, and it's probably going to be boring as hell.... it was today so go figure.
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Old 06-01-04   #207
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Won 20 bucks yesterday, probably going to be in big trouble for the stunt i pulled on friday... or was it sunday? I can't remember.....I'm really not sure what to write here for I am having a hard time concentrating on anything ... oh i was bit by a spider... those bastards. I can't sleep more than 4 hours anymore, I'm feeling a little blue, and i just don't want to deal with myself today. *sigh* This sucks.
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Old 06-04-04   #208
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I had a dream last night, I went to hell, and was in a building with 666 floors, many people were there but i don't remember much about it, however it wasn't pleasant. I am a little edgy today, a little sad, and a little mentally exhausted. I have been working on a project for about three days and it's not that important. Bought some black and white film and plan on taking some pictures when next i have a chance. Not sure what else to write here.... things have been rather quiet. too quiet.
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Old 06-05-04   #209
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well I have two years.... i think. Two years to find a better job or do something to get a better job. There is a super walmart opening in 18 months across the street and it will probably run us out of buisiness. Well perhaps I won't be around when it happens. Perhaps i'll be in another part of the country who knows. I feel like i am being pulled in every direction and I wish I knew which would be best for me, but I don't .... I feel like i'm running with scissors and I'm blind-folded. Perhaps I'm over-reacting, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 06-06-04   #210
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I am so friggin tired. Went to a house party that my friend from work throws every year. I met some really cool people, but I was extrememly bored. I didn't drink anything, and I had some of his homemade chili... that was good chili! We played some poker and yet again I beat the pants off of people. Good thing we didn't play for money, I think I woulda made enemies. It's weird ever since I started playing this back in december I could never read people. Now I think I can match with the best of them.... like a snake ready to strike at any time, but waiting for the exact perfect moment... them i nail it. Damn, wish everything else could be that easy....
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Old 06-07-04   #211
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*sigh* This sucks, everything sucks, i don't want to work today, I don't want to be awake, I try so hard to do things and nothing works..... Tab A slot B .... oh this sucks massively. No one ever seems to have time for me anymore. I guess my purpose has been fulfilled, and i am obsolete.
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Old 06-08-04   #212
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Well let's see went broke last night playing poker, so i'll prolly have a good week. Tomorrow is going to be killer busy.... got leagues, have to go to the mall and make an appointment with the eye doctor.... perhaps I shall get contacts.... hmmm my insurance will cover them ..... not sure what else to do but those two things are important so .... blah...
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Old 06-09-04   #213
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Tournament on Saturday, I need to be kissed by lady luck if I'm going to win. Have an eye doctor appointment next week at 10, and I may be getting contact lenses. It depends if i am able to have them or not.... either way this pair of eye glasses are going to hell.
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Old 06-10-04   #214
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Tired.... very tired. Throat is sore. Not allowed to watch movies before bed time ever again. had a very odd dream, don't want to talk about it. wish i didn't have to work today. Oh well somedays I just don't feel myself. This is one of those days.
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Old 06-11-04   #215
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Yesterday was kind of awful, but not entirely horrible, I did have some interesting things happen. Well one, my credit card company must have been impressed with how I handled my lost bill and increased my credit up to 4000 bucks ... oh hell yeah. Second I'm not too positive but i think a chick at work has a thing for me. I was talkin to a guy i bowl with about how bad I suck sometimes and said I needed to learn how to hook the ball... well she came up to me not even 5 minutes later, seeing how she overheard the convo. and was like I'll teach you! I was ok cool I'd like that. It did get me thinkin though.... why would a person who doesn't even know me want to teach me something new and take time out of their busy schedule to do it???? Well I never get my hopes up or try to read into things too much, but we'll see what happens.
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Old 06-13-04   #216
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Lost the poker tournament... lady luck teased me... just as she always does... but at least I wasn't the first one out.... i was actually the 4th. we got another game going and i tightened my game up big time. I was there until 4 am with no food in my stomach, no water, and very tired.... a 9 hour poker session is rough on the mind.... trying to read 6 other people and calculate the odds of winning a hand based on what you are dealt before the flop is really hard. Long night ... going to be a long day today... very tired, and mentally gone.

I started working on a black Metal piece called Black Widow. The lyrics came together pretty quick but i need to work on the music for it, and I need time to do it, that and I need to have my friend matt and his brother help me big time. this is one project i know i can't do alone. My limitations as a human being prevent me from doing this thing to its full potential, but i hope that it at least comes out halfway decent.
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Old 06-14-04   #217
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working on a second metal piece that blends in with the one above.... I'm not sure where I am drawing this inspiration from, but it has been far too long since I have really done anything musical. I'm hoping to do something with this for once rather than just talk out my ass about it.

I have a doctor appointment on wednesday for my eyes.... I'm nervous a little. Doctors always bug me out regardless of what kind of doctor they are. I just hope everything goes the way it should. it has been about 8 years since my last eye exam... so this is going to be interesting.
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Old 06-15-04   #218
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30 bucks ahead, again I am very good at poker. Eye Doctor appointment is tomorrow at 1pm.... not really tired today but not really a fireball either. Just kind of wanting things to be done and over with, and wanting to get done with this day. Emily's Toy Box performing this friday... that'll be fun at least. I get out at 7pm that day so that'll be good too.
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Old 06-18-04   #219
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Have a serious headache right now, rather tired too. Long day at work, going to see ETB tonight at Croc Rock. Everly has to drive himself, ha ha. Almost finished with the lyrics to the second deathmetal piece. It is meant to follow the first, which in turn will set the pace for the next, basically telling a story from beginning to end. It's a common concept many music artists do it so I'm going to add my own spin on it. it'll be cool if i can actually do something with it this time. Fortunately I will have help in the music part of it. It will be cool.
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Old 06-19-04   #220
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Last night was not very fun. My friends got my sister really drunk. That was not a good idea.... she becomes like a 4 year old when she gets smashed... she practically broke mike's pinky and I hurt my knee really bad trying to follow her becuz she kept wandering off. It was not fun at all. My knee really hurts and I'm limping around.....
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