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Old 07-16-03   #1
TheObserver
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Random jokes.

Cars vs. Computers

When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against Detroit. The comparison goes like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Microsoft Built Cars

* A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year.

* Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

* Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

* Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.

* Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

* You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT, and then you would have to buy more seats.

* New seats will force everyone to have the same sized butts.

* You would constantly have to upgrade your car.

* The oil, generator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a "General Car Fault" warning light.

* People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

* We would still be waiting for the "6000 SUX 58" model to come out.

* We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas™, and other fluids, but the packaging would be superb.

* Ford, G.M. and Chrysler would all be complaining because Microsoft was putting a surround sound complete stereo system in all it's models.

* There would be no ignition key, just a 'start' button.

* You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

* For lack of a better idea, and to prevent anybody from developing a unique identity for their car, all models would simply be dubbed "My Car".

* All the useful, previously standard features, such as headlights, accelerator pedal and paint, would come in an optional "Plus" pack.

* People would pay money to test drive a Microsoft Car into a wall so that Microsoft could assess their pre-release cars.

* Car '95 would go down in history as the "Edsel for the 90's".

* The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before going off.

* If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened or why.

* They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

* There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

* Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use exciting stuff.

* Microsoft would do very well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

* If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

* If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

* Whenever you bought a car, you would have to rewire the ignition for a few days before it worked.

* You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on motorways next to each other.

* Some people would trade their 95's back in for their previous cars.

* Microsoft Rapid Transit would be offered as an alternative, but would be really slow.

* Every car dealership owner would look like Bill Gates.

* Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill Gate's chauffeur.

* Apple Motors would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive and much more comfortable - but it would only run on five percent of the roads, and no one would stock parts for it.

* The Apple Motors car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower and crash for no apparent reason.

* Steve Jobs would ride a bike.

* The U.S. Government would be getting subsidies FROM an automaker, instead of giving them.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What if people bought cars like they buy computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...
**************************************************************************
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
**************************************************************************
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, then it started sputtering and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER: "Followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy - Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $18,000 fo r this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components and stuff? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
**************************************************************************
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed - and now it won't even start up!"
HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did - now the damn thing's crashed."
HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"
C USTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"
CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
***************************************************************************
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks. How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If Operating Systems Were Cars

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
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