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Old 05-08-03   #1
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Random "goth" Q & A ...some kind of amusing :P

The Scene
Q: How do I find out where to go?
Ask a goth. Go to stores that sell gothic music or clothes and look for flyers. Pick up a goth zine and see who advertises nights. If you have trouble with all that, you might try looking in a listings magazine, but they are usually more oriented towards the mainstream crowd.

Q: I'm not old enough to go to any clubs!
Silly, that's why god invented the Fake ID. Also, you can bribe the bouncers with blow jobs or money. Kids have been doing it for years. This isn't brain surgery, people!

Q: I went to a goth club but all I heard were old bad 80s crap-pop like Flock of Seagulls and Erasure. And that Peter Schillig song, boy I really hate that one, you know, the one that goes "4-3-2-1". What's up with that?
Don't ask us. For some reason, a bunch of DJs like to advertise their 80s new wave nights as goth nights, and nobody really seems to care. We say, fuck 'em.

Q: I went to a club and asked the DJ if he had any songs by Bauhaus, especially Bela Lugosi's Dead, and he refused to take my requests for the rest of the night. What happened?
One of two things happened: either he had just played a Bauhaus song, or he played a Bauhaus song you didn't know. That, or he ignored you because you made a stupid request that everyone makes all the time. It might help to request something that fifteen other people haven't already requested.

Q: I went to a club and there were all these social retards wearing fake fangs. What's up with that?
You accidentally went to a "Vampire" club. Remember those kids in junior high school who spent all of their time playing Dungeons and Dragons and never had any friends? Well, they may have grown up but they haven't moved out of mom's basement. They spend all of the money they save by not paying rent on fake fangs and -- you guessed it -- role playing games. Stay away from "vampire" clubs. Most of these people have actually convinced themselves that they are real vampires. They are uniformly pathetic.

Q: But I thought goths liked vampires!
Who told you that? Okay, well, maybe Dave Vanian used to dress up like a vampire, but really, it was funny. He never believed he was a vampire, and more importantly, he was a cool rock star and not a pathetic nerd. Anyway, there are certainly cool and fun vampire things -- good films, books, cute little toys, etc. There is a difference between liking vampire stuff and living a stupid, escapist "vampire lifestyle". If you want to learn more about how to deal with vampires, watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Q: I went to a club and there were all these social retards who were big and fat and ugly and dressed funny, and some of them smelled. What's up with that?
In the last few years, the goth scene has suffered an influx of nerds because everyone but us goths has the balls to tell them to go away. If you go to a punk rock show, you won't see them, because they know they'll get beat up by the punks. Same goes for a ska show, an oi show, etc. But since so many goths are pussies, the nerds haven't been properly flushed back into their place.

Q: I've noticed that the influx of nerds came at the same time as the rise of the internet. What's up with that?
What an astute observation! We have a theory about this. Let's take, for example, the mailing list in our city which will remain nameless. It was run by a wonderful cool person whose first name is Althea (we won't give you her last name). She went out to clubs and asked cool people to join the mailing list in person, and it was fun and cool and wonderful. Unfortunately, there was a stupid fat nerd who was hosting the list on his computer. His first name is Cliff (we won't give you his last name). Cliff decided that a good thing to do would be to put up a web page that advertised the list to anyone who did a web search on "goth" and the name of the city, and let them subscribe automatically. Soon the list was riddled with people who had never been to a goth club in their lives, and knew nothing about the music. The cool people hadn't quite been scared off yet, so they made the mistake of telling the losers where the clubs were, and the losers started going. That's when the clubs started sucking. Unfortunately, the losers all found each other and started calling themselves "net.goths", and decided that a good thing to do would be to go to any event in the city that had "goth" in the name. That's why all the cool people have left the scene and stopped going out. We believe that this has happened in many cities. We've observed it in at least three. It's pretty sad, but what are you going to do? Goths are just pussies, I guess.

Q: I met someone on the internet and he had a cool name and seemed nice enough, but when we met in person he weighed 300 pounds, smelled like a horse, and had a big booger stuck on the side of his neck. What's up with that?
You made the classic mistake of meeting someone on the internet. This used to work a few years ago, because back then when someone claimed to be a goth that usually meant that you were going to meet someone who liked gothic music and wore gothic clothes and had a gothic look. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case. It seems that a whole bunch of internet nerds have decided that a fun thing to do would be to call themselves gothic and try to make friends -- an especially exciting idea to them because they never really had any before. It's pretty insidious when you think about it, because once you've been "introduced" to this person online, it's much more uncomfortable to snub the little twit like the annoying pimple he is. This is especially bad because most of these people are socially backwards, and don't really know how to interact with others. They'll do things like stand there and stare at you and follow you around and listen to your conversations, but they generally won't say anything.

Q: But he had a really cool online name! How was I supposed to know he was a big nerd?
There is an interesting phenomenon where the cooler someone's online name is, the more likely it is that he's a big fat stinky booger-adorned loser. It's true -- we've observed it over and over. You can prove it to yourself by looking at the net.goth picture gallery. There are literally dozens of people whose names are cool, but whose pictures are pathetic. The reason the the cool name/big dork phenomenon exists is because people who are comfortable with themselves don't feel the need to make up a separate "online identity". It's the people who want to be another, cooler person on the internet who feel the need to name this excellent new personality; they need to make a clean break with their dorky regular personality. Of course, this isn't true all of the time. And it's never true when someone is just posting under a band name/DJ name/business name, etc. But we think it's pretty accurate in general.

Q: What do you think of the "Goth Babe of the Week" page? Those girls in fishnets are HOT!
The last thing we need is another page that lures horny nerds into the scene. In fact, most of those pages are maintained by horny nerds. With pages like these, is it any wonder that clubs are suddenly filled with a bunch of dorks who watered down the meaning of "Gothic" until they fit in? It's too bad that there isn't a "Punk Babe of the Week" page, or maybe a "Country & Western Babe of the Week" page - something that would lure pimply geeks with boners towards some OTHER genre of music.

Q: I made the mistake of going to a net.goth meeting. Now they all know me and whenever they see me out they try to talk to me. What do I do?
This is actually an easy problem to solve. First, when one of them comes up to you and tries to talk to you, do one of two things: either snub them or just smile and nod your head and then turn away and find something better to do. Either way, they will quickly stop talking to you because they are very sensitive and become very uncomfortable very quickly. Remember, if we all do our part and stop being pussies, we can rid the goth scene of stupid nerds forever!!! yeah, like that will ever happen. -ed

Q: Come on, these people just want to have fun. Why are you so hard on them for just showing up at places you like to hang out?
You obviously haven't seen the caliber of people that we're talking about. Think Arvid from "Head of the Class". Think Booger from "Revenge of the Nerds". Think the evil nerdy guy from Jurassic Park. Think all of these people, except less charismatic and a lot less witty. How could you possibly feel cool when you look around and see them? How could you not think to yourself, "I have nothing better to do than hang around with these losers?" I don't begrudge them their existence, I just wish they'd stop calling themselves "goths".


Tips for Teens
Q: I dress all freeky, but my mom says it's just a phase. Why doesn't she get it?
First of all, show your mom a little respect. Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid? Your parents would probably be able to retire by now if they hadn't had you. They gave up an awful lot to have you, and while we think that's a pretty stupid decision on their part, we would at least hope that you could not make them uncomfortable in their own home. A lot of people are going to tell you to wait until you're older, because you'll understand then. This is secret code for "right now your top priority is pissing off your parents. Later on in life, you'll learn that your parents' opinions don't really have much influence on your life, and you'll be less concerned with irritating them and more concerned with making yourself happy." They're assuming that you're doing what you're doing simply because your parents don't like it. Is it true? We can't tell for sure, but we sure wouldn't be surprised.

Q: I sure resent what you say about Marilyn Manson. What do you have against him?
His music is crappy, his propaganda is crappy, but most of all his fans are crappy, and generally embarrassing to goths everywhere. We'd really appreciate it if they'd stop calling themselves "gothic" and stop hanging out at goth clubs so we could stop thinking about them.

Q: Is it cool to dress up like a "normal person" for Halloween?"
Sure it's cool! Well, it is if you're a fourteen-year-old suburban Marilyn Manson fan on Jenny Jones. The rest of us think it's retarded and played out.

Q: Why do you resent Hot Topic so much?
We have a problem with the fact that the mass culture machine has finally figured out how to effectively market the "underground" feeling that people get when they are part of a scene. Hot Topic is the biggest perpetrator of this problem. When you get right down to it, Hot Topic is just the modern version of the rock & roll store in the mall. The same mass-produced clothes are available in identical stores across the country. Various "subcultures" are separated and put into their convenient boxes. There's a goth section, a punk section, a hippie section... it's a pretty sad state of affairs when all it takes to go from being a punk to being a hippie is going to the other side of the store where you bought all of your clothes. A scene is about making an effort. It's about knowing where to go and how to dress and what music to listen to. If it's all available for you in a shrinkwrapped box, there's no more scene. Of course, there's nothing wrong with liking Hot Topic, or shopping there. Just don't try to convince yourself that you're any different than the millions of other kids who shop there.


Miscellaneous Questions
Q: What is Absinthe, and where can I get some?
Absinthe is a liquor that was outlawed in the U.S. in the beginning of the 20th century by the abolitionists because it contained a small amount of wormwood extract. While wormwood contains a psychedelic drug, absinthe has so little of it that you'd die of alcohol poisoning before feeling any of the psychedelic effects. The mere fact that it's been outlawed makes a certain kind of nerdy person feel "bad-ass" when she talks about drinking it. (We've been told that some of these people even sing songs about the stuff. We think that's pretty sad.) When this kind of person is enamored enough with the stuff, she might try to make it herself. What she usually ends up with is a foul-smelling jug of cheap vodka with some wormwood splinters floating in it.

Q: What about Chartreuse? I heard it was really cool.
No, you didn't "hear" it, because you don't have any friends to talk to. You just read about it in a Poppy Z. Brite book.

Q: Okay, then, what is it?
It's a liquor made by some monks in France. It's got about two thousand herbs in it, and they guard the recipe closely and only about three of the monks know how to make it. (Lisa's dad took a tour of the monastery when he was in the area. That's how bad-ass it is.) Oh, yes, and it tastes like Ricola cough drops, except really alcoholic and nasty, in Lisa's opinion. There are some people who like it, but we suspect that they don't really like it, they're just pretending to like it because everybody else likes it and it's so gothic. Which brings us back to that mediocre book by Poppy Z. Brite, which you've clearly read too many times.

Q: So what can I drink?
There are lots of good drinks! Goths always drink lots of vodka and cranberry juice. Also, drink red wine, or beer, or cider. Or you can get fizzy girl drinks, because if you're a real goth you're probably a pussy anyway. We recommend anything with lots of umbrellas in it. Or if you're British you can drink snakebite and black, but don't drink too much because if you're British you can't hold your liquor anyway.

Q: Hey! What do you have against Brits?
Nothing! We like Brits very much. They're much better than Americans and always have excellent hair and fashion sense. They just can't hold their liquor. Seriously, I mean, the pubs all close at 11pm. That, and they only drink beer because you can't actually get a decent mixed drink anywhere on the whole damn isle. But they almost always have cider on tap, so you have to give them points for that. Plus, they invented everything cool, like punk, goth, and snakebite and black.

Q: So what do you have against net.goths, anyway?
It's not that everyone who has e-mail is a nerd. I mean, hell, this FAQ is on the internet, right? The problem is that there is a specific group of people who have championed the cause of the "online community" of people who "gather" in newsgroups and mailing lists and have coopted the name "gothic". This offends us. Many of these people are just lonely and looking for a group of friends. Don't feel bad for them, they're lonely because they're losers. We wouldn't mind it when they joined goth mailing lists and newsgroups if they actually knew something about goth, but they don't, they're just losers who were kicked out of everything else. If your blood pressure has gone up since you started reading this FAQ, you're probably one of these people. I hope you die of head cancer.

Q: You sure use the word "loser" a lot. Do you maybe have some issues?
Who are you, my fucking therapist? If you are, get off the internet and earn your damn $150/hr you leech.

Q: Did you see the episode of South Park with Robert Smith on it?
Yes!!! That was totally awesome, and he kicked Barbara Streisand's ass all over the place. Yay, Robert Smith!

Q: For people who supposedly shun the mainstream, you certainly seem to know a lot about South Park and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Who said we shun the mainstream? We're the ones who told you to go listen to disco! People shouldn't think so much about what's "mainstream" and what's "underground", because it's all a bunch of marketing hype anyway. You're a demographic, get used to it. If you like gothic music, fine. Be a goth. But don't do it because you want to be all cool and underground and subculture-ish.

Q: I am drawn to the darker, morbid side of life. Am I a goth?
No, you are not a goth. You are probably what happens when that kid in fifth grade who would eat bugs for a quarter grows up. The reason you are depressed is probably because you have no friends. You've probably convinced yourself that being drawn to the "darker" or "morbid" side of life is evidence of your depth. Don't be fooled, it's just your sad attempt to find someone to hang out with. Our advice to you is to stop trying to be so dark. Most people are turned off by someone who's depressed. If you are actively trying to come off as depressed, people who might have been your friends will think that you're unpleasant to be with. Think about it: would you rather hang out with someone who is happy or someone who is always complaining about how depressed they are? Do everyone a favor and stop whining. Making friends is not that hard.

Q: So am I allowed to call myself a goth yet?
Not if you still feel the need to ask someone else that question. Grow some balls and decide for yourself.

How do goths cope in rural areas or towns with no goth scene?

Living in a rural area doesn't stop you listening to the music, wearing the clothes or participating with the culture through the Internet or fanzines. Equally, just because you're a goth it doesn't mean you can't wear blue jeans and chat with the locals one day and wear a black dress and bugger off to Birmingham the next. Don't alienate yourself unless you really can deal with it- you don't have to look like Morticia Addams 24 hours a day to be a goth. Try a hairstyle that can be washed out such as crimping, gelling, high bunches or hairspray. Build up a good collection of jewellery and accessories which can dress up monochromatic normal clothes to look goth.

Provincial goths will often "adopt" a non-goth nightclub (even just a pub with a disco), usually one which has an alternative, indie or student night. Try bringing along your own records early on in the evening- the DJ is more likely to take requests since there is no-one dancing anyway. Or you could badger your local pub to put a goth compilation in it's CD jukebox. Alternatively, visit dedicated goth nightclubs whenever transport is available.

Last edited by One; 05-08-03 at 21:46.
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Old 05-11-03   #2
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Old 05-11-03   #3
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Old 05-12-03   #4
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umm yeah... i would be shocked to hear you say that as well haha
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Old 05-13-03   #5
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how did you get that one?

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Old 05-17-03   #6
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how did who get what Jesse hun?
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Old 06-27-03   #7
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hehe net.goths suck vry nice
"what is goth?" get a life, goth isn't something, somthing is goth, its an adjective.
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