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Old 06-20-02   #1
GemsaMay
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The wonderful world of me

6/20/02
well what the heck, online journal sounds like a plan. My poetry has been going down the shitter lately so while I have writers block in that department I might as well just vent a bunch.

For some reason I have been really depressed lately. I used to be taking zoloft every day but I stopped about 3 months ago. But I think I need it agian. I know I shoudl have just stayed on it but I hate taking pills and I was being stupid and didn't think I needed it. But my family doesn't have insurance anymore and idk if we can afford it.idk why I am depressed.

I am dating an extremely great guy, but for some reason I question it a lot. Just over stupid thing, and I hate it when I do that because he is one of the coolest people I know and I can barely stand being away from him for a day. But its a shitty situation because he is 22 and I don't turn 18 till December, and my dad found out that we are sexually active so he said he will press charges if he finds out I sleep with him again, and I am not allowed at his house. So we have to be kind of Romeo and Juliet-ish and sneak our time together. every time I leave it gets harder to drive home. I can't wait till I turn 18 and I can see him more.

To top that off, he is a manager at the place I work (McDonalds) and therefore he is kind of my superior at work. And its against the rules for managers to date crew members, and our boss saw us holding hands in the mall.. so that wasnt cool.. but there are two McDonalds stores in town so they will probably move me to the other store. But I hate that store and everyong that works there.

ok.. I am done babbling now..
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Old 06-20-02   #2
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Re: The wonderful world of me

Quote:
Originally posted by GemsaMay
6/20/02
well what the heck, online journal sounds like a plan. My poetry has been going down the shitter lately so while I have writers block in that department I might as well just vent a bunch.

For some reason I have been really depressed lately. I used to be taking zoloft every day but I stopped about 3 months ago. But I think I need it agian. I know I shoudl have just stayed on it but I hate taking pills and I was being stupid and didn't think I needed it. But my family doesn't have insurance anymore and idk if we can afford it.idk why I am depressed.

I am dating an extremely great guy, but for some reason I question it a lot. Just over stupid thing, and I hate it when I do that because he is one of the coolest people I know and I can barely stand being away from him for a day. But its a shitty situation because he is 22 and I don't turn 18 till December, and my dad found out that we are sexually active so he said he will press charges if he finds out I sleep with him again, and I am not allowed at his house. So we have to be kind of Romeo and Juliet-ish and sneak our time together. every time I leave it gets harder to drive home. I can't wait till I turn 18 and I can see him more.

To top that off, he is a manager at the place I work (McDonalds) and therefore he is kind of my superior at work. And its against the rules for managers to date crew members, and our boss saw us holding hands in the mall.. so that wasnt cool.. but there are two McDonalds stores in town so they will probably move me to the other store. But I hate that store and everyong that works there.

ok.. I am done babbling now..

i think the reason why you might be depressed.... is because you love this so much.... right know you are just going crazy about it... because your parents won't let you seem... also cause he is older then you and is a manager at mc donalds...

i don't know what to tell you... i see everyones point of view with this relationship... i guess all you just have to do... is wait till you turn 18 to move out... but all and all i hope that everything works out ok...


heh you sound just like me at my works place... hates everybody that goes there... you don't them to ever fuck with you... heh i know the feeling and i feel the same was as you do... sometimes i just feel like telling them to fuck off...

i hope i was some kind of a help... i don't think that i was really...
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Old 06-20-02   #3
GemsaMay
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5/20/02
yeah.. I see everyones point of view with it... but I wish they would just leave us alone and let me be happy. Time goes by too slowly..

I went over there and had a lot of fun today, he threw on eof his roomates in the shower, it was hilarious. then we all just sat around talking and then me and my guy went into his room and just layed around talking about nothing. I love him so much.. I feel like a huge dork going off about this but hey its my journal so I can do whatever I want.. if it sickens you then don't read it! haha.. I get to see him in like 12 hours.. woo hoo! haha
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Old 06-20-02   #4
mistressbitch
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GEMSAMAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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*QUOTE TO PONDER: The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. *
Hush little baby dont say a word
Death is knocking at your door
If you try to run and hide,
Death will bust his way inside
If you jump out the window
Death is smart he will know
You try to run but he's faster then you
He'll get u and there's nothing you can do
Just maybe if you get away
Death WILL come another day

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Old 06-22-02   #5
GemsaMay
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6-22-02

well.. I had to close at work last night.. it sucked hard. I got there and there were still dishes in the sink from Breakfast, and I just called to talk to my BF today and he says they are really behind in everything so something tells me I will have another shitty close tonight. I will probably close dishes again and I HATE closing dishes... you get a smelly and wet and cold and it is just really not cool.

I have decided that I am really starting to get chubby. All I eat is junk food now because I am always out and fast food is cheap so its all I eat. I want to go on a diet but I am so bad at dieting. I am gonna go rollerblading before work today for some exercise. but then I am gonna be tired for my shift.. I hope to god we're not busy and my boss isn't there.

ok.. I could use some input from ppl on this subject. My BF and I wanna go on a trip during winter break, I turn 18 Dec 3rd and we both just want to go spend like a week together somewhere cool and not have to deal with everyone. I live in WA, we are flying, and in needs to be cheap but fun.. if anyone has cool ideas let me know.

k well I am gonna go do my moms hair and paint my nails or something. I can't wait to break in my new blades
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Old 06-25-02   #6
GemsaMay
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hmm.. lets see.. I am sitting in my room at the moment.. it was payday today and Ed (mr boyfriend) and I went on a splurge and I bought 3 new DVDs. Harry Potter, Bless The Child, and The Dark Crystal.. I am watching the DC right now.. its fucked up.

Well, I stayed at Ed's last night.. I told my parents I was staying with Amber.. so I went and got him and we went to the mall at like 9 and I realized I left my birth control pills at home, so Ed told me to drop him off at Wal Mart and go home to get them.. well I live out in the country so I thought it would take me like 20-40 minutes.. it ended up taking an hour. SO I get back to Wal Mart and he proceeds to yell at me and make me feel like shit for taking so long (I was speeding the whole way.. it wasn't my fault) and I started crying like a little wuss so he apologized, but it ruined the whole weekend.. if I have any complaint about him its things like that. He overreacts all the time and snaps at me out of the blue for the littlest things. But he is useually quick to apologize.. but it still leaves me feeling horrible and I never know whats going to set him off next.. its weird how I love so much about him and then there is this one little part of him I can't handle sometimes...

crap.. to be continued.. gotta eat dinner
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Old 06-27-02   #7
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ok.. so I took a while with my to be continued.... Ed and I went to the beach and he got really sunburned.. so hes gonna be cranky for a while.. I hate walking on eggshells for him so much.. I mean don't get me wrong.. its kind of fun to baby him when he feels bad and everything.. but not when I am always worrying about if hes going to get mad at me because I dropped the soap regularlyt then I have to make sure I don't touch his burn wrong. ok.. hes not that bad.. I love him to death, and I actually really enjoyed being with him today. I have serious PMS issues right now and I am venting.. you know how people say that girls are attracted to guys that are like their dads?? well everyone I have dated has had only one quality like my dad, none of them really act like him.. but Sam had his quality of always having to be right, Devin had his quality of always wanting to fix everything... I think Ed shares his snappy temper... this could get ugly because I share his snappy temper too.. ok.. I am just babbling now.. I wanna write a poem.. maybe I'll go try and break my writers block..
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Old 07-02-02   #8
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7-2-02
I am bored.. I just left Ed's.. I hate going to my parents house every night.. I don't even call it home anymore.. home is Ed's house.. Yes I am really retarded over him.. its kinda crazy

anyway.. I switched to the other McDonalds.. my boss found out about Ed and I and he moved me to the other McDonalds across town to separate us.. and I HATE IT THERE!!! its all confusing and I don't like the ppl and ugh.. its horrible.. and they are putting me back on mornings which TOTALLY fucks with me because I used to be a closer and my sleep schedual is on stay up late and sleep in and now I have t go to bed early and wake up early and ugh.. this sucks ass..
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Old 07-11-02   #9
GemsaMay
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les miserable

7/10/02
I don't know whats wrong with me.. I am really miserable right now and I have no idea why. I have a constant paranoia that my BF doesn't love me anymore, I hate my job.. and I am just miserable. I spent an hour crying yesterday about NOTHING... not like "oh well this happened and it made me cry but it was stupid so it was really nothing" I mean I was crying over literally NOTHING!!

ok.. it all started when Ed got a letter from his ex (stupid cunt that I want to burn alive.. I have hated her all my life.. ) and she WENT OFF about how she misses him and blah blah and shes like "I miss the way you kiss me and how you looked at me before we kissed" and me being the freak I am I dwell on it and I am like "I wonder if thats how he looks at me now.. I wonder if I am on her level.. I wonder if he is getting sick of me like he did with her.. what if we break up and he starts resenting me like he does with her.." and all sorts of shit like that. so then the past two days I just overanalize everything he does and keep getting all depressed over stupid things and convince myself that he doesn't love me anymore and idk.. one side of me says I am being rediculous and the other part of me wants to curl up in a ball and bury myself in the ground because the world shouldn't have to bear the unfortunate occurance that is my life. and I am really just completely miserable right now and I want to cry but I can't and I will feel like an idiot if I do because I have been for 2 days and I think I am gonna try and write a poem.. depression helps my poetry.. farewell
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Old 07-11-02   #10
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i know you probably absolutely love him. but at least tell him where you stand. relationships shoul be equal, equal input and equal rights. if he continues to snap at you, just lay down some ground rules... bleh i think i'm tlking crap again..
i'll go away now
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Old 07-11-02   #11
GemsaMay
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more reasons I am a loser

ok... heres a thought.. Ed is always telling me to tell him everything and how I feel and why I feel it and I never do.. WHY!? I trust him completely, I love him.. I want him to know.. but when he asks me whats wrong I shrug and he keeps prying and I still don't talk and I just say "idk whats wrong.." whats up my ass??? I was just thinking how bad it would be if he read this journal since he is somewhat of a DF user but not really.. and then I am like well wtf.. maybe he should know.. I am just a moron and never tell him this stuff..

I am having an OK day.. my mom told me to come home after work so she can see me when she gets home so I am getting some alone time which is actually kinda nice.. my parents are leaving for the weekend so I am gonna have a lot of time with my Ed so maybe I can figure out whats up my ass and fix this.

I still can't decide whether I like my online journal.. I should start one of those tape recorder journals because I can express myself better that way.. that could be pretty cool and original of me..

I looked up Ed's ex in my yearbook just to remind myself how much hotter I am than her.. I feel a bit better.. I like being superior.. haha

on a lighter note I downloaded "papa don't preach" by Kelly Ossbourne (sp?) and I like it.. and I bought a fan to save me from the 90 degree weather, and I am wearing pink underwear.. that is all for today.. OH!! and here is the poem I wrote last night.. its actually kinda ok..

please say you still love me
the way you always will
please don't ever stop
because I need you still

I don't know whats going on
inside of my head
I feel like your slave at times
sometimes I feel dead

I'm not allowed to be happy
I'll never find bliss
when I find my happy place
I'll be kicked off my tower
and always feel like this

its like there's a curse
coursing through my veins
I tried to bleed it out
but it came back again

I don't know what makes me
feel like I do
I wish I could tell you
believe it or not I want to

but I guess I am doomed
I suppose I'm still cursed
sometimes I feel happy
so happy it hurts
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