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Old 06-06-02   #1
Clearwitch
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Courtesy of Azhrei

I keep getting jokes in the mail, from a friend named Azhrei. So instead of starting two dozen threads here, I'll just scramble them in to one.



Blonde Jokes #798

ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 20 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened
a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I
don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and
puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,
that's easy: W."

FIVE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIX
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a
scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper
arrived. "My God!" the trooper exclaimed "Your car looks like an
accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the
world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked
car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was
driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the
right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there
was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't
a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener
swinging back and forth."

SEVEN
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and
his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call
the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND
policeman!"
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Old 06-06-02   #2
Clearwitch
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for
the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a
3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets
his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep
in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement
from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea
you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no
idea your father was a pharmacist."
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Old 06-06-02   #3
Clearwitch
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A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally
got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price
tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom
and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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Old 06-06-02   #4
Clearwitch
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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well, how was the
honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh mamma!" she exclaimed. "The
honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!" No sooner had she spoken the
words than she burst out crying. "But mamma... as soon as we
returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been
saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter
words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!"
"Now Sarah . . ." her mother answered. "Calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? What! 4-letter words has he been using?" "Please
don't make me tell you, mamma." wept the daughter. "I'm so
embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and
take me home... please mamma!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what
has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mamma... words like dust,
wash, iron, and cook!"
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Old 06-06-02   #5
Clearwitch
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Words of Wisdom


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so
good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. Light travels faster than sound. "That's why some people appear
very bright until they speak".
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Old 06-08-02   #6
Clearwitch
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*TENDJEWBERRYMUD*

It's amazing; you will understand the above word by the end of the
conversation. Read aloud for best results. "Tendjewberrymud." Be
warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while
after reading this.

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

G: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. As ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"
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Old 06-24-02   #7
Clearwitch
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Police Stories

Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head
in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry
Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a
price sticker on the forehead.

Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph
Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had
been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a
traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the
drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when
I bought it."

Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly
woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet
when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead
cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department,
food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The
following investigation revealed that a factory worker had lost two
fingers in a machine with rotating blades. One finger had been found.
The other had made its way into the custard packet the woman had
bought.

Pochatello, Idaho - In February, 1997 a 46-year-old female elementary
school principal was charged with misdemeanor trespass, based on
photographs taken by former police dispatcher Richard Clothier.
Clothier had taken the pictures in order to find out who had been
running onto his property since September, defecating in his front
yard on Sundays. In a pre-trial conference the woman admitted in
front of several witnesses that she had indeed defecated 21 times on
Clothier's lawn, as well as about 5 times on the lawns of his
neighbors.

Edmonton, Alberta - The driver of an armored truck appeared to be
signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. Six police
cruisers chased and stopped the truck, which had been swerving left
and right. As it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh
air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

Sacramento, California - An elderly gentleman walked into a police
station and reported that he thought he had robbed a Wells Fargo Bank
a few days earlier. The police officers didn't take his confession
too seriously because he was very old, suffered from obvious physical
ailments, carried a white hospital bag, and admitted that he wanted
to go back into Kaiser Hospital's psychiatric ward. He also couldn't
remember the exact day, time, location of the bank, or the nearest
cross street. However, after an intensive interrogation, FBI agents
found out that the senior citizen had indeed robbed the bank and was
responsible for three other bank robberies.

Antioch, California - A 22-year-old man was arrested after allegedly
ordering a stranger to fix his truck at gunpoint. San Francisco,
California - Dan White, a city supervisor, killed Mayor George
Moscone and Harvey Milk, another supervisor. White's lawyers said
that eating a Twinkie had made his blood sugar level rise so high, it
caused his psychotic episode. this resulted in the charges against
White being dropped from murder one to involuntary manslaughter.

Mount Shasta, California - Joy Glassman, the 60-year-old mother of a
firefighter, was charged with five counts of arson. She allegedly set
the fires to help her son's career. Boynton, Florida - For their
attempt to raise money to attend the police academy, Michael Harrison
and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and
murder.

Woburn, Massachusetts - In August 1996, police investigated
complaints about the Anchor Baptist Church. The church allegedly
lured kids from a nearby housing project by promising them pizza and
then baptized them without their parents' permission.

Sanger, Texas - Four teenagers, including the police chief's son,
broke into a funeral home. They had planned to steal embalming fluid,
dip cigarettes in it and smoke them. But when they couldn't find any
fluid, they decided to cut off the finger of a corpse and took turns
trying to smoke it.

Pennsylvania - A bank robber was sentenced to 24 years in prison.
Instead of wearing masks, he and his accomplice had thought that
rubbing citric acid on their faces would somehow blur their images on
the security cameras.

Pikeville, Kentucky - After a fight with his girlfriend's 16-year-old
son over rent money, Jesse James Taylor drove himself to the
emergency room of the Methodist Hospital with part of a butcher knife
in his back and a meat cleaver stuck in his head. After successful
surgery, he was released the very next day.

Ogden, Utah - A man wearing a clown costume, make-up, a purple wig,
and bedroom slippers assaulted a mechanic living in a trailer. The
Ogden Standard-Examiner reported that the clown had knocked on the
mechanic's door and had demanded to see "Kathy." When the mechanic
had explained that he didn't know anyone named Kathy, the clown had
accused him of having an affair with her, grabbed the lamp, hit him
over the head and ran away.

Wandsworth, England - In 1993, Karl Watkin was sentenced to 18 months
in prison for pretending to have sex with a sidewalk. In April, 1996,
he was convicted of gross indecency and sentenced to 6 years in
prison for simulating sexual intercourse with garbage bags. In
September, he committed suicide in his cell.

Appleton, Wisconsin - Darrell Voeks was arrested for stealing
$100,000 worth of farm pigs to pay for breast implants for his
favorite stripper at a local club. He was sentenced to ten years in
prison.

Key West, Florida - A restaurant worker killed another as the result
of a heated argument over how to put silverware into a dishwasher.

Ypsilanti, Michigan - The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed
to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn't open the
cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings,
but the clerk informed him that they weren't available for breakfast.
The frustrated robber left.

St. Peters, Missouri - A gunman robbed a 7-11 store, but returned the
money minutes later because his car wouldn't start. Amazingly, the
store clerks came out to the parking lot and gave the robber's car a
jump start. Police Officer David Kuppler commented: "We have a very
friendly town out here."

Niagara Falls, Ontario - The operators of Casino Niagara told a local
newspaper that customers urinating around slot machines had become a
serious problem. Customers who believed a slot machine would soon pay
off were afraid to leave the machines and either wore adult diapers,
urinated into the plastic coin cups or simply on the floor next to
the machines.

Grande Ronde, Oregon - Sixty-seven-year-old Arthur Mooney died of a
heart attack in the Spirit Mountain Casino. While his body lay right
there on the floor for an hour, the other customers continued to play
the slot machines.

Vanuatu, South Pacific - The entire 300-men-strong police force of
the island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician
from Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a
dispute with the government concerning overtime pay.

Stockholm, Sweden - Customs officers arrested a woman who had tried
to smuggle 75 live snakes in her bra. The officers became suspicious
when they noticed how the woman kept scratching her chest.

Tegucigalpa, Honduras - To combat the spread of HIV, prison officials
at the Central Penitentiary decided to encourage male inmates to
marry each other, thus vowing to be faithful to just one sexual
partner. The same-sex marriages are valid only in the prison. Eight
couples have already tied the knot.

Scarborough, England - On June 22, 1996, a totally wrecked Ford was
found at the bottom of a 100-foot cliff. Police found no sign of the
driver but discovered a pile of human feces on the driver's seat.

Cameroon - Lynch mobs from several towns hanged three men who had
been accused of evil witchcraft. The men supposedly had the ability
to make other men's genitalia shrink or even disappear. Similar penis
panics have been reported in China, where it is called "shook yang"
and in Malaysia, where natives call the superstition "koro".
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Old 06-24-02   #8
Clearwitch
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lipstick

According to a news report, a certain private school recently was
faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 8 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would
put it on in the school bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would
remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally
the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls
how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee,
dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then,
there been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
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