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Reload this Page the asylum
View Poll Results: my favourite pastime...
spanking my monkey.....yeaaaaaaaah......niiiiiiiiiiiice 14 26.42%
torturing small, defenceless creatures...'here, newbie, newbie, newbie' 6 11.32%
mocking the afflicted...i.e. people more stupid than myself 15 28.30%
eating strange things...'damn that lemming meringue pie was stringy' 7 13.21%
exploiting child labour...'work harder goddamnit! i want this to be the biggest pyramid in the world! put your backs into it or i'll use you as rollers' CRUNCH...oooops 3 5.66%
all of the above...i live here and can give you a guided tour of the asylum's torture chambers without a map come see solitary confinement...it's a blast...hehe..hehehe..hehe... 19 35.85%
none of the above...i am normal and should fuck off before the asylum's other inhabitants string me up and place my genitalia in a blender with some olive oil and a little grey poupon mustard...aaaaaaahhhh 6 11.32%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 53. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 02-01-02   #21
mightydreamer
Modern Day Tom Sawyer
 
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~kisses U back~......

Quote:
Originally posted by doebathory
man steve wright rules!!!!!


I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."|Steven Wright

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."|Steven Wright

sponges grow at the bottom of the ocean. that just kills me. i wonder how deep it'd be if that didn't happen?|Steven Wright

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.|Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.|Steven Wright





*kisses* baby
Good ones babe, check this out;
Doctor asked me how do U feel, I said well U know when U sit on a chair and lean back on its two legs, and U feel like Ure almost gonna fall and just catch Ureself at the last second, well I feel like that all the time.
I run it to people I know all the time they always ask me why don't U ever call me, U have my #, I tell them, man U know I can't call everybody I want, my phone has no 5s.
For my room I've got a humidifier and a de-humidefier, I just put'em both on and let'em fight it out.
I've got some powdered water but I don't know what to add
I bought some batteries the other day but they weren't included, so I hadto go buy'em again
Anywhere is walking distance if U have the time
U can't have everything, where would U put'em.

OK I've tired myself out, more later,
~kisses angel, retires to his room~
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"...he came out of nowhere, always a friend of the victim at the slaughter of the innocents."
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Old 02-19-02   #22
steppenwolv
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...uuummmm...what if u like gettin' spanked by yr monkey???



...the lunatics are on the grass...


( by the way....which one is Pink???)

Last edited by steppenwolv; 02-19-02 at 16:21.
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Old 02-24-02   #23
Dark_Insanity
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Insanity rules! Sean Hughes and Ardal O'Hanlon rule too!!! *Is already sat in the corner trying to get out of her straight jacket* Will someone give us a hand please? *Looks around innocently*
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Old 02-27-02   #24
doebathory
the poet
 
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father ted's lesson on visual perspective:-

"dougal, this cow (holds up plastic toy cow approx 2 inches long) is very small, the cows out there (points out caravan window) are faaaaaar away."

"no ted, it's no use, i still don't get it."


only dougal (ardal o-hanlon) could make farmyard animals this surreal.


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No...wait...I take that back...I have no problem with the horse you rode in on.
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Old 03-02-02   #25
Rosa_Electa
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Am I safe in here?

It looks like a lot of fun.

Electa
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The Sick Rose.
O Rose, thou art sick!
The invisible worm
That flies in the night,
In the howling storm,

Has found out thy bed
Of crimson joy:
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy.
By William Blake



"Beauty is not something you have. It is something you are." -- Kind words from a friend...


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Old 03-02-02   #26
Dark_Insanity
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DOUGAL- Now, think hard Ted. Where's the last place that you'd think I'd
put the rabbits?
TED- Well, now when I think about, I'd have to say, Bishop Brennans room
DOUGAL- Bingo! I put the rabbits in the last place he'd think of them! His
own room! he'll never find them there!

*****

DOUGAL- Good news Ted! I think he's just pulled up! And the good news is,
that he can only afford a crappy blue Ford Cortina. Ha! Just imagine driving
around in that thing.
TED- That's MY car.

*****

DOUGAL- I know! Well lure them into a
giant bingo game!
TED- And how are we going to do that?
DOUGAL- We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and......oh.
TED- Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Orbingo balls. Or a PA
system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphinalia at all.
DOUGAL- Damn. So near, yet so far.

*****

POLICEMAN- It's a straight choice father. Either they pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in
the cells
TED- Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them,
and under the circumstances, I think a night cells might be a better option
POLICEMAN- (Nods his head)
DOUGAL- Ted....
TED- Shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- No Ted....
TED- I told you to shutup Dougal
DOUGAL- I was just
going to say that....
TED- Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money)
Here's your blood money.But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when
the police of thiscountry were friends of the church! Drink driving charges
quashed, parkingtickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder!
But now!(Turns to Dougal) And you! (Mocking Dougal) Ted Ted why don't you give
him the 200 pounds you won on the bet! Well i did! Are you happy? Once again,
you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank youso
much.
DOUGAL- Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was
just going to say that your that your fly is open.

*****

DOUGAL- Father Stone's been in there a long time. Do you think he's dead?
TED- Dougal! No, they're probably just... keeping him in for tests.
DOUGAL- What kind of tests? General Knowledge?
TED- No, medical tests!
DOUGAL- Sure, what would Father Stone know about that?

*****

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

*****

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

*****

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

*****

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

*****

I LOVE Father Ted!
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Old 03-03-02   #27
doebathory
the poet
 
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SO DO I!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my absolute favourite part is this one though, from the very first episode.


MRS DOYLE (showing Father Jack a cup of tea) "What would you say to a nice cup of tea, Father?"

FATHER JACK (fixing the cup of tea with a beady-eyed glare) FICK OFF CUP!!!"


*falls off chair laughing*

i was still laughing about that bit ten minutes later and my mum came upstairs to see what the hell was going on. i was hurting from laughing so much and had fallen off the bed. i love it when that happens! feels so fucking good!!! laughing rules
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Old 03-08-02   #28
1900Budda
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kool beans!

A guy walks into a bar

and asks the bartender for a dodgy innuendo

so the bartender gave him one.


Did you know Disney employees are not allowed to have beard if they work as a theme park staff member?

Letme get this straight:
Every day folks leave there house
and go to see mickey mouse
a disease infested rodent who lives in walls
and donald duck aint never been seen wearing underwear
so he cant be clean
and plutos a dog so he probably licks his....
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Old 03-24-02   #29
doebathory
the poet
 
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Re: kool beans!

Quote:
Originally posted by 1900Budda

Did you know Disney employees are not allowed to have beard if they work as a theme park staff member?

that's very surreal right now


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Old 06-21-02   #30
(antihero)
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Jack Handey is my favorite funny person:


If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.
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