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Old 05-23-02   #1
VampireDust
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Ack...why not...

well, its not like all you guys will want to read about my life anyways. but damn does it ever feel good to get it all down and out of my head.
i dont know how often im going to be posting on here, and i dont even care if anyone bothers reading this.
why is it there are so many questions in life? dont the questions that just cant seem to be answered, bug the shit out of you?
why doesnt my family accept me? why cant people look past my make up, my hair, my out person and realize that my inner person needs help? maybe its because i dont want the help. maybe im afraid of anyone knowing what goes on inside my head. do you think im a bad person? oh thats right, you dont know all that much about me. to you all i am is a bunch of words, with a signature, a nick, and an avatar. well i dont really think i am a bad person. i think everyone has their bad times and high times. there are a lot of things in life that i regret, but most of them i would never change. thats the thing, people dont realize that everything you do makes you who/what you are. if i went back and changed what ive done or who i have communicated with, i wouldnt be the me who i am right now. but on another hand, maybe i dont want to be the me that is me right now. maybe i want to be someone else? doesnt everyone want to be someone else. i mean truly, is there even anyone out there who is completely and totaly secure and happy with themselves? im not sure how much im allowed to write so im just going to keep on writing. today was a weird day. at school i kept having flashbacks of what has happened to me and my family over the past three years. i mean its not like our family was better before three years ago, but everything for a while there seemed to go downhill. when i was in grade nine my brother(who had OCD, ADHA, and took medication for it...and completely hated it and was tortured with it for years) killed himself by hanging himself in his closet. my dad was the one who found him. and i talked to the psychologist about a weird thing that happened that night, in fact ive talked to a lot of people about it, and noone knows whats up with it. its that that day, when my dad found ryan, he screamed out for someone to get a knife, and me in the living room watching a movie had no idea what was going on, ran to the kitchen and got a very large knife, somehow knowing deep down what had happened. it was extremely weird, and i only just realized that last year sometime. last year we moved twice. and all last year we built our own house. so over the past little while we have been dealing with a lot. not to mention i have four little brothers(3 of whom are still alive) all younger than me. and ryan(who died) was 11 at the time and has a twin named matthew. matthew is turning 13 on the 31st of this month(may). well now that most of my history is over i think ill end it here and see how much room i took up!
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Old 05-25-02   #2
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continued....

i thought i would continue it on today.....work this weekend has been shit! ive worked last night from 4-12:30am. then today from 11am until 9pm. i am soooo tired. and on top of all of that i have tonns of homework to do. plus an isu. plus two projects. all of which are due next week. omg i got a phone call today from a friend from elementary school whom i havent seen for a long time, she called to invite me to her birthday party next weekend, and informed me that the third girl in our trio is pregnant! shes only 15....*shakes her head and knew something like that would happen to her*....shes 4 1/2 months. goddamn....and when she turns 16 in september shes going to move in with her 18 year old bf. i cant believe she has thrown her life down the drain already. im in such a weird mood tonight. i feel like writing for hours about nothing in particular(not like i dont do that on almost every post i write anyways! :p) but tonight i want to write and write and write, and i dont know what it is i am writing about yet. this is going to be one of those pointless journals that you write just to get what it was that you were thinking about out of your mind and system so your mind can move on to think about something else. damn i need to get some new music, its all getting so old. anyone got any good ideas? im lost for ideas at the moment. i listen to almost everything but country. im a silly goth, i like rap. :p goddamn im a moody person. i realized this the other day. i was told i was such a girly girl at the start of the day by someone, then later in the day by someone else, iw as told i was a deep dark depressive person. weird. anyways, im off to bed (maybe)
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Old 05-26-02   #3
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Wow it feel so good to have a place just to write and not care what you are writing about. i had to work again today, and right now im working on my isu thats due. goddamn i hate this, ill be glad when summertime comes along and i have a little more time to relax in between work and life. i love this place so much, i am so happy to have found it. it has even introduced me to some new friends! vampiro_13 and Shatteredream and then theres indisrepair whom i know from school who is the one who told me about you lovely guys! well i dont have much to write about today, other than im in a good mood even though im uder such stress.....! *blows kisses to everyone*
~*~Dust~*~
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Old 06-03-02   #4
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i feel so much better always after writing in here.
i wrote my first story today, my first complete short story and posted it on the adult section.
i think it turned out alright, not too bad!
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Old 06-05-02   #5
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i don't think that i have much time to say something to you... wow that sounds like me... how you have mainly 4 brothers... but having one dead brother... know only having 3... i never meet that brother of mine... nore do i care... i think having 3 brothers is more then enough... but you are lucky to be older then they are... i'm the baby in the family... there is one brother that i don't really care about right know... the other two are fine...

i'm sorry to hear about your brother... it must of been really bad... to see him like that...



its good to write down some of the stuff that you have inside your head... it helps you release all the emotions that you have felt... while writing... its sucks how everyone has tunes of questions and yet they never do get an answer out of it... but i guess if you go back and read what you wrote... you could kind of pick up the pieces little by little...

on the other thing like school and work... well can't you ask for a couple of days off... so that you could do your other school work and rest... i think that would be a good idea... i know its easier said then done...

right know i have to go to work... i don't like going... i only have 20 working days then i'm out of wal-mart!! word of WISDOM!! never work at wal-mart... what pissed me off was... how the dam caca roaches invaded my nachoes!!!! BASTERDS!!!

well i have to go... i hope you have a nice day... i don't know if i helped in a way... thank you for kiss *turns red*

*speaks like jim carry* ALL RIGHTY THEN!!

peace and love... later chick take care...
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Old 06-05-02   #6
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Quote:
Originally posted by shy girl
i don't think that i have much time to say something to you... wow that sounds like me... how you have mainly 4 brothers... but having one dead brother... know only having 3... i never meet that brother of mine... nore do i care... i think having 3 brothers is more then enough... but you are lucky to be older then they are... i'm the baby in the family... there is one brother that i don't really care about right know... the other two are fine...

i'm sorry to hear about your brother... it must of been really bad... to see him like that...



its good to write down some of the stuff that you have inside your head... it helps you release all the emotions that you have felt... while writing... its sucks how everyone has tunes of questions and yet they never do get an answer out of it... but i guess if you go back and read what you wrote... you could kind of pick up the pieces little by little...

on the other thing like school and work... well can't you ask for a couple of days off... so that you could do your other school work and rest... i think that would be a good idea... i know its easier said then done...

right know i have to go to work... i don't like going... i only have 20 working days then i'm out of wal-mart!! word of WISDOM!! never work at wal-mart... what pissed me off was... how the dam caca roaches invaded my nachoes!!!! BASTERDS!!!

well i have to go... i hope you have a nice day... i don't know if i helped in a way... thank you for kiss *turns red*

*speaks like jim carry* ALL RIGHTY THEN!!

peace and love... later chick take care...
your welcome, my pleasure!
yea, i did take a bunch of time off at school, and i am always missing days. sometimes its really hard to just get up in the morning. but its mostly because i amso depressed. i love writing, your right, it does let out my emotions and feelings much much better. it makes me feel better about ma self too. not letting others see my writing, but getting it out usualy puts me in a good mood. maybe it gives me modivation, i dunno.... ah well....ill take your advice and never work at wal-mart cause i hate it anyways. we protest against it so much. cause the clothing is made in sweatshops, ah well once again :p....so much for not being able to write a long reply silly! lol i think its long enough for not having much time...hehe. and thanks for the reply by the way, i apprechiate(sp bad today) it. thats something they need on here, a blush face.....something to tell the moderators about! lol....well ttyl and see ya round the good 'ol forum that i love so much !!

~*~Dust~*~
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Old 06-05-02   #7
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don't worry about it... everyone is depressed... at some point... but that is way of us getting through the day... after are depression is over... we live through the next day stronger and happier... i know how you feel... on waking up in the morning... i feel the same way... today right know as i'm typing to you... i feel so week... i feel like i have been in a fight for three days... with alot of people... also feeling like i have been run over by a truck... i hope later on i'll do ok... i wish i could get all this weight off of me!!
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Old 06-05-02   #8
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ya depression runs in our family its aweful.....my mom has been suffering from depression since she was 12.....shes now turning 40.....its crazy too....cause we have had a suicide on our family allready, and we didnt even think he was depressed...not really anyways.....but i dont think it will ever be over...whats funny is right now im in a good mood.....but they dont last for too long....so when im in good moods i usualy go on msn and talk with my friends....so ill see ya round girly!
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Old 06-05-02   #9
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sure take care dusty!!:p you know good days could last... if you really wanted them to... just don't think about the shit that bothers you... always keep your self and mind busy... talk to your friends... then you should be all right... i'll let you go... so take care and have a good night...
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