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Old 06-05-02   #1
Jordyn
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this deserves it's own thread!

WARNING to the Family and Friends of a Returning Sailor:



You will soon have your loved one home again. He has been living in an
extremely crude environment for quite some time and will require time to
adjust to his former lifestyle. The key to help him through this difficult
time is PATIENCE.

Remain calm if he mixes his mashed potatoes with his
chocolate pudding, stirs his coffee with his finger, or eats as though
someone was going to steal his food. Bear with him if he walks out to the
back patio and throws the trash over the railing into the backyard. Do not
be alarmed when he walks through a door and ducks his head and raises his
feet, because it's not a neurotic condition. It's just the way he has been
walking for the past 6 months .

Show no surprise if he accuses the grocer of being a thief, argues with

the sales clerk about the price of each item, or tries to sell cigarettes to

the newsboy on the sly. His digestive tract will also require some adjustment.

For the first week, all vegetables must be boiled until they are colorless and

falling apart (after they have been sitting out in the hot sun for at least a week

prior to his getting home). Eggs must be tinged with a shade of green and be

runny, bacon nearly raw and all other meats must be extremely well done.

Have beef for the first five or six days, calling it roast beef the first night,

braised beef the second, beef tips the third, beef stew the fourth, etc. If milk

is served, it should be at room temperature and slightly diluted with water. If he
prefers to eat his meals while sitting next to the trash can, don't be concerned.
He's grown so used to the smell that it may take a while for his normal tastes
to return.

In the evenings, turn off all air-conditioning, open all windows
and let in as many bugs as possible. Let him sleep on the floor in the
laundry room with the dirty clothes because he's so used to the smell. For the
first few nights, wake him every three or four hours. Tell him he's late
for the night watch in the backyard. He'll understand because he's been doing
something just as stupid for the past six months. Under no circumstances
should he be allowed to get a complete night sleep during the critical
adjustment time. His daily routine may seem strange to you, especially
when he wakes everyone up at six in the morning screaming "Reveille Reveille,
all hands heave out and trice up!" Just smile and nod and make sure
everyone is up and on the back porch at seven for muster, instruction and inspection.
Then, in the late afternoon, humor him when he walks around the house
closing all the windows and doors and reports to you that yoke is set
throughout the house. After sundown, don't argue with him when he yells at
you for opening up the window blinds while darken house is set.

His language may seem foreign and you may not understand all the terms he
uses. It isn't necessary that you do. Just smile and be pleasant. Some of the terms

you may hear are turn-to, Sweepers-sweepers, Men working aloft, This is a
drill, Wog, Beer-thirty,etc. Do not be surprised when he answers the phone and
instead of saying: "Hello," he says: the room he's in, his rank and name. For
example, Living Room, "Petty Officer Davis" speaking, this is a
non-secured line subject to monitoring, how may I help you Sir or Ma'am? NEVER

make favorable references to the Navy leadership structure. To do so will
almost always elicit an extremely loud and profane outburst, which may continue
for hours.

The bathroom is quite possibly the most dangerous place in the
house for your returnee. Before he arrives, strip the bathroom of all
accessories such, bath mats and any and all toiletry items. Crack the mirror and

run water on the floor. Toilet paper is optional, but if it is furnished, it
must be placed in a puddle on the floor. Turn off the hot water at the
source for the first few days. Waits until he is in the shower, soaped up
and then turn the water off altogether for about 15 minutes. All of these
precautions are imperative because if he walks into a bathroom which is
complete with the above-mentioned items, He may shrink into a corner and
curl up into a fetal position, wide-eyed and shaking. If this happens,
there are only two proven and accepted methods of snapping him out of it,
yell "Mail-Call or Liberty-Call." In either case, stay clear of the doorway.

In closing, always remember that beneath that shell there beats a heart of
gold, it being the only thing the Navy couldn't confiscate or reschedule
at a later date. With kindness, patience and the occasional swift kick, your
loved one will soon return to his former self.
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Old 06-05-02   #2
Jordyn
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Subject: ARMY VS. NAVY

A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Army First Sergeant are at a bar
arguing
about who had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Rangers," the SFC declared proudly, "and fought
in
three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at
Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took
out an
entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed
back
the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border,
always
under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in
Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day,
plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and
mortar
fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our
guns
were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a
deliberately
long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures... all shore duty."
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