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Old 06-03-02   #1
Darling Apathy
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Office Rules

Rules for Work

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an
employee here, you need all your organs. You should
not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same
time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we
require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty
to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the
restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice
of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all
employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8
to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at
your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing
must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now
a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations,
consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week! =)
Management
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My vices are cheaper than therapy.

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