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Old 06-02-02   #1
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Rude and Crude

Avoiding Doing The Dishes

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

The New Hookers First Trick

The new hooker, had just finished her first trick, When she came back down the street, all the seasoned veterans, gathered around to hear all about it, the new hooker said that he was a big, handsome muscular sailor.

"Well what did he want " They all asked.

She said she told him, "Straight sex was £100, " but he didn't have that much, "So I told him that oral sex was £75", but he didn't have that much either, "Finally I asked him how much he had" He showed me £25.

The new hooker said "I told him for that all I could do was service him by hand, so he got it out and I put one hand on it, then a second above that, then the first above that again"

"Oh my god he must have been huge - what did you do ?" they asked

"I lent him £75" she replied

Curious About Courting

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The next morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
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Old 06-02-02   #2
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The Irish Bank Job

A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it. In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.

The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. "Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."

They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one pound, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding. Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.

The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."

A Dog Called Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him *rover* or *spot* - I called mine *SEX* ..Now SEX has been very embarrassing to me ..when I went to the city hall to renew the dog's license for SEX ..I told the clerk I'd like a license for SEX ..he said.. "I would like to have one too!" ..then I said.. "She is a dog!!" ..he said "He didn't care what she looked like" ..I said.. "You don't understand I've had SEX since I was 9 years old." ..he replied.. "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married ..I told the minister that I would like to have SEX at the wedding ..he told me to wait until after the wedding was over ..I said.. "But SEX has played a big part in my life and my life revolves around SEX." ..he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church ..I told him everybody would like having SEX at the wedding ..the next day ..we were married at the justice of peace ..my family is barred from the church then on..

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon ..I took the dog with me ..when we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for SEX ..he said every room in the motel is a place for SEX.. I said.. "You don't understand ..SEX keeps me awake at night .."..the clerk said.. "Me too!"

One day I entered SEX in a contest ..but before the competition began.. SEX ran away ..another contestant asked me why I was just looking around ..I told him that I was going to have SEX in the contest ..he said that I should have sold my own tickets.. "You don't understand!!" I said .."I hoped to have SEX on TV!!".. he called me a show off..

When my wife and I separated ..we went to court to fight for custody of the dog ..I said.. "Your honor ..I had SEX before I was married.. but SEX left me after I was married..".. the judge said.. "Me too!!"

Last night ..SEX ran off again ..I spent hours looking all over for her.. a cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning ..I said.. "I'm looking for SEX..".. my case comes up next Thursday..

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, had more trouble, with that dog than I ever foresaw, just the other day when I went for my first session with my psychiatrist, she asked me "What seems to be the problem ?" .... I replied "SEX has been my best friend all my life, but now it has left me forever, I don't think I can live anymore without SEX" ........ she said "Mister you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend - get yourself a dog"

"I Blew Chunks"

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, " I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!".

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!".

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
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Old 06-02-02   #3
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The Neighbour's Generosity
John and his wife Mary were having a shower together in their upstairs bathroom when the doorbell rang. Mary got out of the shower, wrapped a towel around her, went downstairs, and opened the door. Their neighbour Charlie looked at her from the doorway, and said, "Oh. I see that I got you out of the shower. Sorry about that."

"That's all right," Mary said, "What do you want?"

"Not too much... my goodness you have beautiful skin. It's so pink from the shower. Mary, if I was to give you a hundred dollars, would you remove the towel from your upper body?"

Mary thought about it for a minute, figured why not, for a hundred bucks, and removed the towel from her breasts.

"Wow," Charlie exclaimed, "they are truly beautiful. Listen, for another hundred bucks would you consider taking the towel all the way off?"

"Why not," Mary thought, "that's a lot of money," and she dropped the towel completely to the floor.

Charlie had a good look, complimented her again on her fine looking body, reached into his pocket, took out two hundred dollars, gave it to her, and left.

As she got back up stairs and was getting back into the shower, John asked her who was at the door.

"Just Charlie," she said, as she started to rub his back.

"Charlie Eh," said John, "Did he give you the two hundred dollars he owed me?"

Noises & A Little Boys Questions
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by surprise and says. " Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

And the boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?".

"Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Diagnosis -
One day, Hank complained to a friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There is a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor, Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it, and it only costs $10.00."

Hank figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer he poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour, It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the ten bucks. The machine again made the usual noise, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard - Get a water softener
Your dog has ringworm - Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine - Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. - They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better
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Old 06-02-02   #4
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The New Rifle Scope
A man got a raise and decided to go out and buy a scope for his hunting rifle. He went to a gun shop outside of town and the clerk fitted a scope to his gun. "This scope is so good, you can read the name on the mailbox of my house way up that hill," the clerk said, pointing out of the window.

The man looked through the scope and a big grin went over his face.

"What's so funny?" asked the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman through the window."
"That can't be!" the clerk exclaimed, taking the rifle. "My wife's at work." Looking through the scope he found the man was right. Furious, he gave back the rifle and said, "The scope is yours free if you take these two bullets. Shoot my wife in the head, and then shoot off that guy's dick."

The man, looking through the scope, said, "I think I can do that in one shot."

A Guy walks into the doctor's office and says, Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears, and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on." So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the downwards weight and pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."

Guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

Guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doc says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!"

The Legless Parrot -
Once there was this couple, they didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work, but the guy was happy with his job and they lived a normal life and had a nice home. One day the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest". The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to pet stores determined to win the contest. "Hi can I help you?" The sales person said.

"Yes were looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.

"Oh I have just the one," said the sales person. "Follow me." They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.

"Why's he so exotic?" asked the husband.

"Well you see," said the sales person," this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."

"Yes, yes I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the branch?"

"Well sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the sales person.

"Wow this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought and bought the bird.

Well the couple ended up winning the contest and a few weeks later the husband came home and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.

"Milkman came to the door...wife took off milkman's clothes, milkman took off wife's clothes.." the parrot said, but then stopped.

"What?" The husband asked and the bird said it again. The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot and he reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted; "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"

"I don't know," the parrot said "I got hard and fell off the branch!"
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Old 06-02-02   #5
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Please Sweetie -
A boy was dropping his girlfriend back at her home after being out on a date. When they reached the front door he casually leaned against the wall and suggested to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she exclaimed.

"Look, don't worry," he said, "it will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbour, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, Sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final."

"Honey, it'll just be a really short blowjob.. I know you like it, too."

"NO! I've said NO!"

Desperately, he coaxed, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Just give him a blow job, but for God's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep!'"

Adult Weight Loss - The Quick Route
A rather hefty man had been trying to lose weight for some time, but never really had any luck with it. He tried the Navy diet, the Mayo clinic diet, Jenny Craig, but none of it had worked for him. One day while sitting at home reading the paper, he reads a small article, "Lose weight, Only a dollar a pound. Call Today!!!"

On a whim, he calls the number and is asked, "How much weight would you like to lose?" Not wanting to go overboard on something he knows so little about, he answers with a modest, "Ten pounds."

"Ok, we'll need your address and your credit card number, and a representative will be over in the morning."

The next morning, at nine, there is a knock on his door. Upon opening it he discovers a gorgeous blonde, wearing nothing but a smile, and holding a sign that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." A chase commences. They run upstairs, downstairs, over the couch, through the kitchen, across the den.

Finally, he catches her, though he's panting like a dog. As soon as he's done having his fun with her, she tells him, "Quick, go in the bathroom and weigh yourself!" And he's lost exactly ten pounds, to the ounce!

That evening, the still slightly over weight man calls up again. "How much weight would you like to lose?" "Twenty pounds," He answers enthusiastically.

"Ok, we'll need your address and credit card number, and a representative will be at your home in the morning."

The next morning at eight, there is a knock on his door. This time it is an even better looking exquisite red head wearing nothing but tennis shoes. And holding a sign that says, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase ensues. Upstairs,

downstairs, over the couch, through the kitchen, across the den.
Finally, he catches her, though he nearly passes out this time. As soon he's had his fun with her, she tells him, "Quickly, run in the bathroom and weigh yourself!" And, he's lost another twenty pounds!

That night the now not-too-bad-looking man, decides that if twenty got him that, this time he'll go all the way. So, he calls up again. "How much weight would you like to lose, sir?" "Fifty pounds!" he answers.

"Are you sure sir?" responds the voice on the phone, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time..."

"I'm sure," he tells her, "Here's my credit card number, now have a representative over here in the morning."

The next day at six, he awakens to shower and shave, before the arrival of the next rep. At seven there is a knock on the door, he opens it to find .......a large gorilla there, with a sign that reads, "IF I CATCH YOU, I CAN FUCK YOU"

The Morning After The Christmas Party
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him!"

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
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Old 06-02-02   #6
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Little Girl -
A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What's that?"

The mom answers, "A vagina."

And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What's that?"

And the dad answers, "A penis."

So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

And the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work.."

A Son Called Fat Head
A husband, wife and son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have chocolate." The wife says "I'll have vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son on the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?"

The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him on the back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my nice big house!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along..."

The Psychiatrist
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
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Old 06-02-02   #7
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Sex Laws - Allegedly True !!!

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you – or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)
However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio -- a man might see the reflection of something he shouldn't.
No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanour and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

It's a Living! -
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: She was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." And thirdly “You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks!"
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Old 06-02-02   #8
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Bob's Apartment -
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment

They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?"

Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears."

"What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?"

"Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

An Itchy Pussy -
A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the attractive bag boy. She couldn't help but admire his youthful and sexy appearance.

On the way out to the car, while the boy was carrying her bags, she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy...."

The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Sacrifices For Love -
Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3, hmmm, well when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well...."

"Oh my goodness!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, , you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number three?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the congregation.... And you were 73 votes short...."
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Old 06-02-02   #9
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Staying Fresh
A couple go to bed for the night. After a couple of minutes the man taps his wife's shoulder, but she rolls over and says "I'm sorry honey but I've got to visit the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband turns over feeling rejected and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he taps his wife gently on the shoulder again and asks "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too!"

Married Fifty Years -
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

The Rent Is Due -
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for £500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment." But on the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for £250 and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."
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Old 06-02-02   #10
Khalani's Avatar
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A Guy's First Day In Hell -
A guy goes to Hell and is met by the devil. The devil says, "The punishments are changed every thousand years. You have three choices."

The first room has a young guy strapped to a pole, being whipped. The next room has a middle-aged guy being burned with road flares. The third room has an old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a pretty blonde.

The guy says, "I'll take the third room."

The devil taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, you can stop. This guy's going to replace you."

The Sperm Count -
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

“Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with- my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and- she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open"

Explaining The Facts Of Life -
A mom is explaining sex to her young daughter. She says: "Sweetie a man has a penis, and a women has a vagina. The man puts his penis in the woman's vagina and they make love, have sex and make babies."

The daughter says, "That's ok and everything mom, but I was walking past your bedroom door the other night and daddy's penis was in your mouth. What does that make?"

"Well !!!!!," the mom says, "that makes jewellery"

A Pharmacists Advice -
This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "Listen, I have 3 girls coming over tonight. I've never had 3 girls at once, I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

So the pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small black cardboard box marked with an "X" and says "Here, if you eat this you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says "gimmee 3 boxes".

The next day the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's dick is black & blue, the skin's hanging off in places. The man says "gimmee a tube of Ralgex."

To which the pharmacist replies "Ralgex.? You're not going to put Ralgex.on that are you?"

Man "No it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up".
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Old 06-02-02   #11
Khalani's Avatar
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My Wife Slept With My Best Friend -
A bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?"

The Guy: "Yeah,... I'm really depressed"

Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?"

The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"

Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?"

The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"

Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?"

The Guy: "I sat him down..... looked him straight in the eye...and said..." "Bad Dog, Bad Dog !!!!!!!!!"

Little Red Riding Hood -
Little Red Riding Hood, was skipping through the forest, and as she neared her Grandma's house a big bad wolf leapt out in front of her.

"Lift you T-shirt so I can suck your titties" the big bad wolf growled at Little Red Riding Hood

Lifting her skirt, the demure Little Red Riding Hood said, "NO you are going to eat me like the fucking book says"

Three Nuns & Saint Peter -
Three nuns go to heaven and find themselves in front of Saint Peter outside the pearly gates, "Hello sisters" said Saint Peter, "before you are welcomed into the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each of you a question, if you answer me correctly, you may enter."

He asked the first nun, "Who were the first man and woman ?"

"Adam & Eve" she replied

"Well done", Saint Peter replies, "welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, you may enter"

To the second nun he posed the following question "Where did Adam and Eve first meet ?"

"In the Garden of Eden", replied the second nun

"Correct", said Saint Peter, "you may enter"

Saint Peter turned to the third nun and said "as you are the Mother Superior your question will be a little more difficult - what did Eve say to Adam when they first met in the Garden of Eden ?"

The Mother Superior looked puzzled and said "hmmm, that is a hard one..........."

"Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven" said Saint Peter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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